new man - do I just wait for him to contact me, or...?

[ednaturnblatt]

At the weekend I went to a party with some friends. Also there was a man I've known for a while through work, who I'd been told had a 'soft spot' for me.

We spent some time talking, more than we had previously, and got on (I thought) quite well. Very well in fact - so much so that the evening ended with much kissing!

Anyway, it ended up I had to leave a bit abruptly so we didn't get to exchange numbers. However, he has my work email & vice versa, so he emailed me today, general chit chat stuff. And didnt mention the party at all

So I asked him about it, making clear that on my part it wasn't just a drunken kiss I'd prefer to forget. In reply, he said he's been on his own for 5 years and finds the thought of a relationship terrifying.

I said I didnt want to rush into anything which is true. so we've exchanged numbers now, but nothing else has been said, & it all seems a bit unresolved

Should I just be waiting now for him to call me - is he even going to? Haven't dated in SO long I feel like I have no idea about all this stuff. I expected that when I heard from him today we'd arrange something, like going for a coffee - have I got this all wrong? Does it not work like that anymore?!

Or is he just not that interested?

It all sounds very exciting!

My advice is to sloooooooow down.

You kissed on Friday and you want to be his girlfriend on a Monday? Wooooah!

He emailed you on Monday -the first day he could have. That is GOOD NEWS.

Just be friendly and a little tiny bit flirty. Have a chat and find out a bit more about each other. The rest of it will come over time.

I'd say that if you chat most days this week he might even ask you what you are up to this weekend and it could go from there.

Just relax and ENJOY!

It's monday evening, girly, stop worrying!!!

If you met him this weekend and exchanged emails today, and then phone numbers, then that is a good sign.

Just leave it now, if you don't hear form him in a week then send him and email or call him.

I'm being over-demanding aren't I?!

I suppose part of me was concerned when he said he was terrified of a relationship & I thought maybe he wasn't interested.....or maybe he was just being honest?

He's also quite shy & quiet which I suppose is maybe why he hasnt said more already...and yes I know it has only been 48 hours or so

I just really enjoyed the kissing bit

YES, YOU NOW WAIT FOR HIM TO CALL YOU. Definitely. Don't start second-guessing him, justifying any lameness, and calling him "shy", etc. He wasn't too shy to snog your face off at a party. He wasn't too shy to email you on Monday. He wasn't too shy to say he's "terrified of relationships" (which, btw, is not something men would say to a woman they really, really, really wanted).

You now do NOTHING, unless you want any future relationship with this bloke to be completely on his terms with you making all the running.

In the meantime, do loads of beauty treatments, exercise, online-dating and socialising so you start meeting lots and lots of other men.

Sorry for my harshness, it's just that I am only now extricating myself from a 7-year marriage that was horrible because I chased my DH at the start. DON'T YOU DO IT!!

WAIT WAIT WAIT

If you ring him and push the coffee, he may agree cos he can't turn you down. On the other hand if you wait until he contacts you, you KNOW he's interested.

wait.

ok

so flirty replies to emails etc = good

initiating emails, suggesting coffe etc = bad

am I getting the hang of this?!

Yep - that sounds good to me. ;0)

And remember flirting by email is a minefield - read it to yourself before you click send. Oh and don't put anything so suggestive that you would be mortified if someone else read it - remember its a WORK email.

Anyway, you should be aiming to find out more about him and have cheeky fun - not be sexy or dirty- although I know its tempting!

am back again - have been trying SO hard to be patient & play it cool all week & tbh its driving me mad!

we have exchanged a few emails, mostly work stuff & chit chat, have spoken a couple of times face to face (once when he came to chat to me when I was with my team which was slightly awkward as they are all dreadfully nosy....)BUT THATS IT.

He hasn't suggested going for coffee, or a drink, or anything.

I mentioned to him a work related outing at the end of Oct which he said he would go to -but he seems to have no plans to see me socially before then

Would it really be bad to ask him to come for a drink next week?.......

Yes- if he hasn't the balls to ask you, leave it.

It's not about him not having the balls... In my experience if I man is bothered, he WILL make the effort. Date other people, don't waste time thinking about him. Pursuing people who care less about you than you do about them is soul destroying, and crushing. You reach out, the reaction isn't as you had hoped, you feel like a plonker, wish you hadn't made the effort. They are confused, have done nothing wrong except not like you enough. It's all very 'Argh'.

Look, you sound lovely - you deserve someone who at least likes you the same as you like them

DONT CALL / TEXT / EMAIL / MAKE ANY KIND OF CONTACT!!!!!!!!

SIT ON THOSE HANDS!!!

IF HE LIKES YOU - HE WILL CALL /TEXT EMAIL / WHATEVER. END OF!!!

IF HE DOESN'T CONTACT YOU, HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU. SORRY.

sorry to sound harsh but its a FACT!! read "he's just not that into you" its is my dating bible!! or google it, i'm sure you will find some tips from it around the internet!

the man i made chase me for 3 months solid is now my fiancee (HE proposed, naturally!) and we have a 4 month old daughter.

Not sure if I´d get my hopes up too much if you´ve already known him a while and he hasn´t asked you out.

just to play devil's advocate and for a different perspective I read an interesting article in Company magazine this month (presumably aimed at quite young women) turning alot of these 'rules' on their head and more about taking control of the situation.

I am not overkeen on he's just not that into you (although have read it) because it's all about the men choosing you IYKWIM. Personally am not that good at being passive.

Ultimately I would do what seems authentic and real for you however this can be of course quite high risk.

With current guy (it's quite casual) I asked him out at the beginning but it didn't happen straightaway and I went about my usual business.

We have been seeing each other for a few months now and it sort of ebbs and flows in terms of who's pursuing who.

However with another man I did sit on my hands for months and he did come back. Which meant alot to me.

Very hard this dating stuff

I guess you are impatient because it's the weekend and you would have liked to have made plans.

I agree with the others, if he's interested, he will ask you out.

Sorry SCL, it's all well and good taking the initiative but it might be that they are just accepting until they meet someone they really like. That's what I've found anyway.

It seems as though we women are just waiting for that man to carry us off but I don't see it that way. If they are not interested so what, a man isn't the be all and end all and better let them make the moves than be an available stop gap.

Can you tell I'm currently dateless.

yes but that might happen anyway Eve. They might see you as a stopgap.

I do agree though that having a man is not the be all and end all.

I def don't want to live with/marry one again for the forseeable future.

But am enjoying their company in a lighthearted way.

Say she asked him and he said no she would know where she stood and if he said yes then accept it for what it is whilst still pursuing other avenues.

Didn't mean you personally of course.

I don't know, it's 2009 not the 1950s. Personally (and this is probably why I too am dateless) I would ask him out. But I would also ask a few other people out and practice the kissing thing you so enjoyed (I think I remember kissing).

However, I think you might now understand why he has been single for five years. At the end of the day, I can't be that attracted to men who can't convert IYKWIM. Just had lunch with an internet date who is now a friend and we talked about some of this stuff. The unfeminist part of me still wants a man to take charge, especially as I am in charge of so much stuff in my life (work, child, finance etc.).

I think it would be OK for you to ask him out from a standing start so to speak, but not after you've snogged.

Sorry, but he was there too. He won't have forgotten it.

If I could make one wish come true it would be to invent a time machine, go back to my dating years, hit myself in the face with a wet fish and say STOP CHASING MEN. God the horrors I put myself through.

He knows how to contact you. Now leave it. If he doesn't get in touch, move on.

I'm a raging, hardcore feminist btw. I hate that this is the way it is.

But this is the way it is.

In my experience, you will get a much bigger kick out of waiting....not texting/emailing etc, no matter how your body tells you to do it because "what's the harm in a small text...email, etc?"

I've tried both ways. And I much prefer when I manage to restrain myself despite an almost uncontrolable urge to get in touch, and then he gets in touch with me...that is when you feel really good.

I agree...diversify. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. This guy will see you're busy and he's not the centre of your world (you never want him to think this) and he'll wonder what you're up to, who you're with, etc. Try not to obsess...I know it's hard. But try and keep busy, busy, busy. Make yourself interesting with an interesting life and interesting people will come to you!!

well we have been emailing again today, work stuff, etc. i havent mentioned meeting outside of work, and nor has he.....

He does contact me by email, he has spoken to me - having no contact with him at all is not the problem, it's that the whole other side of things has sort of been put to one side, whilst I assume he decides if he wants a relationship with me.

The whole thing just seems so weird because I was told months ago he had a thing for me - I wasn't keen at first, but the longer we have known each other he has slowly grown on me, and a lot since last weekend!

I think QOD has hit the nail on the head - this is EXACTLY why he has been single for so long!

In fact from doing some digging this week via mutual friends, it sounds as though he has only ever had a couple of girlfriends - one he was with for a long time, the other he married. Am not making excuses for him (well, not much...)BUT I think he really has no idea about casual dating etc - on reflection me snogging his face off last week whilst enjoyable I suspect probably was a bit frightening for him

So for now am going to keep up the emails etc - although I am out on a course for most of next week, and he is on hols the week after (hence why I thought I might try and get things moving now...) then it will be the end of the month, and we'll see if anything organically happens then...and if not I will cease trying to flog a dead horse!

"IF HE DOESN'T CONTACT YOU, HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU. SORRY."

Disclaimer: I have virtually no experience of this being a boringly married person for ever, but..... does the above go for men too? If so isn't there a chance that both parties would be saying it

Anyway... you just said you weren't that interested; please remember that. You're only getting drawn in now because he is holding back! And if you're allowing yourself to get all frustrated, contact him and get him to go on a date, chances are you'll lose interest after that!
Try asking someone else out for this weekend.

edna, relax he's only a man, keep yourself focussed and all that, move on to the next one, (as if they come along everyday/week/year/decade). I know they don't .

I hope he does make a move but if he doesn't so what you are doing OK anyway.