Do you more forward from here or not - chappy not sure about his feelings re my DS.

[thesouthsbelle]

ok things now unsettled again with my new guy. Just spent about 45 mins on the blower to him. next weekend is off as apparently he has 'a presentation' again on friday (we were meant to be having a w.e away) am rather upset about it tbh. Hes said to meet on thurs poss b4. But is aware that he's letting me down and also doesn't like disappointing me.

Jist of it is he's not yet sure if he can reconcile his feeling's towards DS/ that I have a child - and when I said that after he tried explaining to me for 5 mins I got the 'here we go' speach. DS is my world (as all our kids are) and while I said to him I hope he reconciles his feelings re me having a child, i'm not fully sure he can. Apparently not even his siblings have dated anyone with a child b4. I asked if this was the reason he's been a bit distant and he said possibly. We carried on talking but now I feel like i'm waiting around to see if he can/can't reconcile with DS. (not that i'm forcing DS on him or ever would)

He also says he's aware of my saying I don't like to be messed about- think that's how he's seen it - but what I actually said was don't like people saying one thing & actually doing another.

I proper like him (as u all know) and apparently he feels the same and say's we're still early days which is right we are but I just don't know anymore. is there a way to help someone reconcile their feelings towards your child?

we've been seeing each other since mid aug, he's stopped at mine i've his etc etc, dates at least twice a week, daily calls/texts etc. (oh and my dogs - who usually HATE everyone ie jump up etc or growl, absolutely love him right from the off)

My head is spinning and I don't know how/where to move forward. Walk away or not.

Should also point out that the nature of ihs job means he goes where the work is and is currently applying for jobs which are about 1.5 hrs drive.

Help!

whedonzgal - I didn't think at all you were advocating using TSB's son as a 'pawn'. I could see what you were thinking about showing a vote of confidence. An abstract relationship with a child you've never met is one thing, but the real child is something much more inspiring and will show a man like this the joys of having a child as well as all the pressures. BTW, your ex sounds very immature in the way he kept you away from his kids - I can see how this would be very hurtful in a year-long relationship.

I am that anyone would consider marrying someone who didn't want the person's kids at the wedding! Clearly a big screaming neon sign of wrongness. This is some way on from TSB's situation though so she has plenty of time to assess things. Personally I would rather someone honestly voiced doubts if they have them rather than fake enthusiasm and then have the DS hurt if it all goes wrong, or maybe throw it in the poster's face later 'Well, I never wanted to be a stepdad but I didn't feel I could say anything...'

TSB Glad he is still making contact. As others have said, I would be friendly while maintaining a degree of distance. Happy but busy - very busy - is the face to put on I think.

eighties how does one go about that!

(it was I btw who said about ds being a pawn, you are right thou I would like NG to come to his decision of his own accord)

so far if i'm normal with him this rears it's head if i'm a bit distant he doens't like that either, how am I suppost to win - what does he want from me?

dutch - how often did he have these episodes.

a part of me is actually thinking that he's saying that he's got stuff to do cos he wants to show that he's he's the one with the options iycwim, and that I shouldn't be expecting/wanting him to be home & being wifey etc etc. (as it were) but i'm not sure.

tbh if that's his thinking then well I don't play games.

He had a wobble about a month in, then one about a month after that and a big one about 8 months in. Years later we call them his twat moments. I found them really difficult to deal with especially as the rest of the time life with him was very good. Friends at the time did tell me to get rid of him whenever he pulled one of his twat moments but I did stick with him. In retrospect I'm glad I did because we are now very good together. I honestly believe he did a lot of growing up in the early days.

I'm not one for playing games either and I felt at the time there was a of touch game playing on his part. I don't think that now, he was just out of his depth and had a tendency to panic.

The twat moments also happened after a particulary good time when we seemed to grow closer together ie after a really lovely weekend away. I think that getting closer would make him think what he would have to take on (in his head) and panic him.

He did tell me, years later, that a good friend had said to him that they wouldn't date a single mum as there would be too much baggage. I think that comment did carry some influence. As I said earlier though he has grown up alot since then.

dutch you have pretty much summed it all up there in your last post for me that's how it is here. I don't want to walk away but right now it's getting harder to stick around. I think what doesn't help is he has the potential to mean as much to me as XH did - and for me that's big time scary as he was the love of my life & right arm.

He's apologised for being a twat, i've apologised for being a mardy bum as well. (I was ill thou v ill!) lol. but yes big event was suppost to be us going away for the weekend.

his first one was about 5 weeks in yes. (out of interest did they last long?)

to be fair thou when XP met DS I went strange for about a week on him.

I wouldn't even consider getting close to someone who hadn't yet met DS, I mean, there is no point investing emotions and energy in someone if it turns out they don't get on with your child or your child doesn't like them is there?

I would suggest you, your DS and this man spend a day together. For some people the idea of dating someone with a child is worse than the reality once they actually know the specific child in question.

What if you don't like how he interacts with your DS though? better to find out before investing anythgin in the relationship I think.

that's an interesting take on it omdb - but I don't want DS to have a string of 'mummy's friends or uncles'

well apparently he's 'cleaning his car tonight' (can well believe it lol) keeps saying he's goin away tomorrow, but it's only a concert in brighton - not sure if they're stopping up?! apparently now it's his friend, her partner & one of their friends.

So we're on for thursday apparently, but i'll not hold my breath.

What's wrong with mummy having friends?

Don't even go down the 'uncle' route, just introduce him as a friend like you would introduce a female friend. Your DS, at 3.5, won;t think it any different to any female friend you have.

I don't know about you, but for me far more female friends/acquaintances have come through our lives than any male ones.

they have, but I think the prob is DS has only ever seen me with XH or XP. any males have either been family members or XH was there as well, or friends partners when they're there. iycwim.

Each wobble lasted about 2 weeks but they got more serious. We split up for a short time after the last one although he seemed to have got it out of his system by then. They were pretty hard to take at the time and I nearly walked away after each one. I'd have to describe them as being really hurtful.

I had to decide if the wobbles were because he was a twat and this was who he really was or whether he was a good guy having panic attacks.

It's only with hindsight that I can see I made the right decision because at the time I really did take a gamble.

Once all the twattery was out of the way though I had a fantastic time with him and continue to do so. He's a great step-dad and went on to be a great dad.

I feel for you because it is tough. I wouldn't know how to advise you, it's a diificult situation.

that's pretty much how I feel now totally. it's been a week.

on one hand experience is telling me well screaming get the hell out of here he's gonna hurt you big time, but deep down in my heart it's saying take a risk on this one.

thing is usually by this point after being with someone I can usually tell what they're gonna be like - even deep down but choose to ignore it, this time thou I have the reverse thing (it's my head usually saying benefit of the doubt not my heart).

I am very hurt, well more offended with the DS issue, offended he thinks he can't talk to me - as he said well I don't need to tell you every little thing - no you don't but a little bit would be nice, rather than just thinking and blowing up and us having this fall out. (thou I have no room to talk on that front!)

can I ask you guys. what did you do during these periods? i'm basically getting on with things answering him if he gets in touch (not every time thou and certainly not right away).

whed - glad to see there's another one who's managed to get thru it - when you say extreme what do you mean?

right now thou I don't really want to talk to him, am that upset about it all, but likewise know that it could be something special and long term.

WOuld it help to remember that sometimes relationships just don't work out ie don't last a long time, whether one partner has children or not? As others have said, it is quite early days with this man. It would be very early to be stressing about commitment even if you were both childfree.
ANd you don't have to introduce him to your DS as 'uncle', just introduce him by his name. Your DS is only 3 and doesn;t have to have a label for every person he meets.

I got on with my life. Job, daughter, friends. I tried to keep myself busy and not focus on him too much.

I recommend getting drunk with an old friend and having a laugh. Always made me feel so much better.

Work on making yourself feel good without him. It's hard to do but effective.

Don't mean to throw a spanner in the works, but is the other 'friend' thats going to the concert a female?

no idea haven't asked. was tempted but well chose not to (on account of the whole space thing?!) it did cross my mind, but on the other hand so far he's always been honest with me.

sgb - yep that's also crossed my mind as wlel.

dutch - ah all over htat tomorrow is girlie night tonight was study & malibu (not a good mix I might add!)

if he decides on thrus to show then we'll see from there if nto then well more study & mroe malibu, and him out the door.

I agreewith overmydeadbody. I wouldn't have an early boyfriend meeting my kids if I was single but I can't imagine feeling that I had a serious relationship with someone who had never met them. I don't get women who don't introduce new boyfriends to their kids for 6 months or so. If the kids are older and there is a major personality clash or younger kid and bloke finds reality of kids too stressful what then? I would probably have him tag along occasionally when going to the park, or meet him at the park if young kid. No lovey dovey stuff, just treat him as you would a female friend spend an hour or so together and then boyfriend goes away. Boyfriend and kid get to meet each other, if mum and boyfriend split up it's not traumatic to kid.
I think it's only if he comes round the house alot/ stays over/ is never away from the place that a kid would be upset if you split up. That and mummy weeping for hours on end and being mopey.

well I want to try & protect DS from it all tbh, I think after 6 months you should really know which way the land lays iycwim.

whez - thanks for your insight again. tbh I would be and have said I don't want to discuss it until either he's ready or we're deciding if there's going to b something more.

he keeps saying thou he doesn't want to be messing me about

he rang last night as well, the thing tonight it's another bloke, and also they're not stopping over night - didn't think they were tbh. have no reason to think he's lying.

also said last night that he didn't want to talk about it everyday, but did on sunday - which I said was fine as I don't, and that i'd been giving him some space, he said why, I said so he could work it out for himself, and cos he was putting enough pressure on himself without me putting more on. He said ok, and would try to ring today but would text - said i understood tbh if we didn't talk as we've both got loads on, and I don't always feel the urge to speak to him everyday anyhow. (with XH we would go for a week and only talk once) but this one seems to like ringing me every few hours.

tbh, I think if he's having problems now with the idea of you having a DS, that he should very carefully think through the future (and it sounds like you're really trying to give him the space to do this)

From my own experience, and that I've gathered from others, one really has no idea how hard it is to take on he role of step-parent. I know I for one was hopelessly naive and I really wish I had thought it through more. So I guess I'm saying it's important for you to be totally sure that he's totally comfortable with it before going forward, especially for your DS's sake (easier said than done I know, from the difficulties you've been having)

thanks for your input guys, Have been thinking about this long & hard today, and it's not fair on either of us. whilst I might think he's lovely, sexy, smart etc etc, and we could have a future. I can't put up with the games any longer.

Last night we were ok this am was ok as well but i've had about enough. So will wait to see if he bothers coming over tomorrow if he does will tell him then.

he's texted today after all. says has been really busy. do I ignore his text, and not bother now, or be normal then wait until tomorrow.

now feeling guilty as I honestly do thing deep down he's worth it etc. i'm just fed up of the games. so it's easier to walk away I guess.