Do you more forward from here or not - chappy not sure about his feelings re my DS.

[thesouthsbelle]

ok things now unsettled again with my new guy. Just spent about 45 mins on the blower to him. next weekend is off as apparently he has 'a presentation' again on friday (we were meant to be having a w.e away) am rather upset about it tbh. Hes said to meet on thurs poss b4. But is aware that he's letting me down and also doesn't like disappointing me.

Jist of it is he's not yet sure if he can reconcile his feeling's towards DS/ that I have a child - and when I said that after he tried explaining to me for 5 mins I got the 'here we go' speach. DS is my world (as all our kids are) and while I said to him I hope he reconciles his feelings re me having a child, i'm not fully sure he can. Apparently not even his siblings have dated anyone with a child b4. I asked if this was the reason he's been a bit distant and he said possibly. We carried on talking but now I feel like i'm waiting around to see if he can/can't reconcile with DS. (not that i'm forcing DS on him or ever would)

He also says he's aware of my saying I don't like to be messed about- think that's how he's seen it - but what I actually said was don't like people saying one thing & actually doing another.

I proper like him (as u all know) and apparently he feels the same and say's we're still early days which is right we are but I just don't know anymore. is there a way to help someone reconcile their feelings towards your child?

we've been seeing each other since mid aug, he's stopped at mine i've his etc etc, dates at least twice a week, daily calls/texts etc. (oh and my dogs - who usually HATE everyone ie jump up etc or growl, absolutely love him right from the off)

My head is spinning and I don't know how/where to move forward. Walk away or not.

Should also point out that the nature of ihs job means he goes where the work is and is currently applying for jobs which are about 1.5 hrs drive.

Help!

I do that a lot yes lol.

I ahve told him that as well but yes hte pressure is coming from his side - why he feels the need to do that I don't know. still been at the gym for an hour & half tonight working out my frustrations & he's text once & rang once - so 3 and 2 since last night & so far i've not returned anything.

ho hum. think I might well wait until tomorrow now to talk to him - i'm tired & he's got a long drive back here tonight.

Oh well at least its not doing any harm for your waistline!!!

Sounds like a plan, still dont think you need to blank him, might make the situation even more complicated. If I were you I'd just text him saying your having an early one and you'll talk tommorrow, then wait till he calls you then.

You need to have a proper chat about why he's reacting so strongly about this, when your still supposed to be in fun mode.

Good luck, keep us posted

I know allc.

well he did ring again last night, said I'd been quiet all day and asked if it was cos of our convo, I said no - had left phone at home. prob should have said yes as was giving him space to think about things thou?!?

Gonna be leaving my phone at home again all week - gonna be having a hell of a shocker in work this week so don't need any distractions.

I think men need things spelled out, and they might not be that much on the ball with female game play. If you are avoiding the issue an withdraw from him, rather than telling him that you both need space to think about this, he will just find you annoying and back off.

And problem solved, but maybe not in the way you prefer?

very true QS - I still don't see why everything has to be so bloody complicated - I ahve enough stress like all of us mums (esp in work right now) so don't need extra stress from him- he's suppost to be my light entertainment & relief!

Lol, it does not always work that way, not when real emotions are involved!

Just tell him, he sounds like a good guy! And good luck!

true enough and he is a good guy - also just checked and he is telling the truth re the presentation thing as well. knew he was really tbh.

Don't make excuses like leaving phone at home.

Let him know that you understand that you having a child is a big deal he needs to get his head around. But make it clear that you come with your DS as a package. So if he wants you he needs to get used to the idea fairly quickly.

Good luck.

Do relationships always have to go somewhere? Going out with someone doesn't have to follow the live together, marry, divorce pattern (with my cynical hat on). What would be so awful about going out with this bloke to have a nice time and because you enjoy his company. I think sometimes for people with kids keeping your own space and house with your kids and having a man for "fun and friendship" as the ads go can work well, even long term. You need to have someone to look after your kids when seeing him but usually the other parent is there for that on alternate weekends.

tell him that becca!

tell him that becca!

Cuntwhacker - Are you deliberately trying to shock?

With my advice, QS?

no, your advice is sensible enough.

But you know what I mean.

sorry thesouthbelle highjack over.

nope, not trying to shock or be controversial QS. 'Twas meant to be amusing.

You might want to explain yourself on the thread devoted for you. Lets leave this out from southsbelles thread so she can get the support and advice she needs without us squibbling.

I had no intention of hijacking thread. You were the one who brought it up on here QS.

Apologies to OP

lol. you two carry on. don't worry no offense was taken.

yes it makes sense, I think what doesn't help is I said I would only introduce DS to soeone I was serious, about- as in I let him meet XP and dearly wish I hadn't as XP wanted to meet him v v early on.

ho hum. I'd consider it but then again i'm not really wanting to use my DS like that as a pawn type thing. think we'll need to talk about that bit.

oh and DS is 3.5 btw.

I would not introduce your DS yet, just because that might make your DP feel even more pressured. If you are happy with 'taking things slowly' (and that is the phrasing I'd use to your DP) then I would say that to him, and tell him you don't want to have heavy conversations yet as it is to early to assess where the relationship might go - you want to just relax and get to know each other better as 2 individuals (while making it clear that with anything long-term you and your DS are an inseparable package).

Maybe say you will definitely put discussions on hold for another month (2 months?) and then if he is still getting fretful about it and wanting to talk heavy stuff, you can remind him that you're not going to do that until the month(s) is up.

I do think it's worth allowing some thinking room at this early stage in the relationship before writing it off. If he is a good guy he will come to the right conclusion. I also think that when he meets your DS he will be won over, but in your position I would want my DP to have decided to be positive and meet my son in that frame of mind, not to meet him still in the midst of major doubts and confusion. While your little DS will no doubt be very appealing, it is your DP that has to make the choice not have it made for him by your DS, iyswim.

Good luck with it all

OK, so if he comes back and says, "OK, then. I can handle you having a child," are you really going to feel any better about it? Like he's tolerating him under sufferance?
I understand that you're reluctant to kick him into touch if you feel that you've finally found someone who isn't abusive (although it's early days to know that too), but I would be proceeding with extreme caution if I were you.
And what's the relevance of his siblings not ever having dated people with kids?
I'm reminded of a thread a year or so back from a woman whose fiance asked her if her kids could go to their father's on their wedding day, rather than attend, as his family had never envisaged him marrying someone with "baggage." They had a DD together too, who could attend. He also objected to 'her' kids coming on holiday with them, as they'd then get 2 holidays (one with their dad as well) compared with only the one that their DD would get. Which wasn't fair on her, apparently. I wonder sometimes if she went ahead with the wedding. The resounding opinion on here was for her to get rid.

I will be clam.

tbh that would be a no brainer for me, DS would be treated as an equal or not at all. in a nut shell.

Wise words thou from eightys chick. I don't want to talk about the stresses etc tbh.

he's made contact today./

Your situation has a lot of similarities to when I first started seeing my DH. I'd been married twice, divorced then widowed, and had one surviving child, DD2. DD1 had died some years before. I was 34 and I'd felt like I'd already lived a dozen lives.

DH by contrast had not had any serious relationships and had lived at home until he was in his late twenties. He'd also got no experience of children, no cousins, no nephews and nieces and no younger siblings. He admitted to me years later that he was frightened of children.

In the begining of our relationship he would act similarly to your NG, questioning things, doubting whether we had a future or not and could he cope with children. It didn't happen very often, just every now and then. I think I wanted similar things to you at the begining, a nice time with someone I liked without things getting to heavy. I felt when he behaved like this he was looking to far ahead too soon.

I took him quite a bit of time to get used to the fact I had DD2. He didn't meet her for a good six months which I felt was about the right time. By then we were both a bit more sure of each other and he was a bit less scared. It took them some time but they now have a very good relationship with each other.

I think being cautious and admitting it to you is a good thing. He sounds a sensible man. As long as he is being honest and straight with you in all areas then things look optimistic.

Role on 7 years and we are married with another DD and he can't remember why he thought children were scary.