Do you more forward from here or not - chappy not sure about his feelings re my DS.

[thesouthsbelle]

ok things now unsettled again with my new guy. Just spent about 45 mins on the blower to him. next weekend is off as apparently he has 'a presentation' again on friday (we were meant to be having a w.e away) am rather upset about it tbh. Hes said to meet on thurs poss b4. But is aware that he's letting me down and also doesn't like disappointing me.

Jist of it is he's not yet sure if he can reconcile his feeling's towards DS/ that I have a child - and when I said that after he tried explaining to me for 5 mins I got the 'here we go' speach. DS is my world (as all our kids are) and while I said to him I hope he reconciles his feelings re me having a child, i'm not fully sure he can. Apparently not even his siblings have dated anyone with a child b4. I asked if this was the reason he's been a bit distant and he said possibly. We carried on talking but now I feel like i'm waiting around to see if he can/can't reconcile with DS. (not that i'm forcing DS on him or ever would)

He also says he's aware of my saying I don't like to be messed about- think that's how he's seen it - but what I actually said was don't like people saying one thing & actually doing another.

I proper like him (as u all know) and apparently he feels the same and say's we're still early days which is right we are but I just don't know anymore. is there a way to help someone reconcile their feelings towards your child?

we've been seeing each other since mid aug, he's stopped at mine i've his etc etc, dates at least twice a week, daily calls/texts etc. (oh and my dogs - who usually HATE everyone ie jump up etc or growl, absolutely love him right from the off)

My head is spinning and I don't know how/where to move forward. Walk away or not.

Should also point out that the nature of ihs job means he goes where the work is and is currently applying for jobs which are about 1.5 hrs drive.

Help!

i'm 27 he's 31 in 2 weeks.

He is getting to an age where it is more and more likely that the women he dates have children, I think its more about him and his fears about settling down tbh.

He was making noises last night about not even having his own home/this didn't say he never wanted kids cos that's not the case, in a lot of ways I don't think he's ever actually thought about the whole concept of a mortgage/kids etc etc.

He can be quite conservative/old fashioned in his outlook at times but then not others. who knows. wasn't going to talk to him today - but knowing what he's like he'll text once today ring once today & leave it for me to contact him - might be wrong but that's what i'm thinking.

Apparently I know in my heart what to do etc, but it's hard when you're brain is saying summat else!

Hi sounds like you both are doing the right thing and seriously thinking through the whole thing.
So I would let him know that You know he is doing some serious thinking and when he has made up his mind either way to contact you then.
Be lovely about it in the way you know you can with him but just say WHEN he has done his thinking you will be there to listen to what he has decided.

You have got a lot of good advice here. But dont just turn your phone off and become unreachable. Let him KNOW you are stepping back a little so he can do some thinking.

I have a DD and have come across this only once before while dating a new man.

It was one of a string of excuses. IME if a man really likes you, he won't be worried about you having a child.

Of course it's a big consideration, but I think you either accept someone or not.

Don't chase him. Don't ring him. Tell him to get back to you when he's thought about it, then sit on your hands, do whatever it takes, but don't call him. So much easier said than done, but you'll be thankful about keeping your dignity intact later on and if anything, men need the chase and given space.

You shouldn't need to chase him and 'ask' him to accept your child. It will be a waste of time, if it really is a problem for him. And if it IS a problem for him, then you are better off without- really.

When I was about 25 I dated a man who had a child. At the time he rarely if ever saw his DS because he had fallen out with the DS' mother. but I remember feeling uneasy about it myself, wondering at what point I might be expected to look after this child (at that age I had little or no experience of young children and didn't like them). So being uneasy around dating a parent doesn't make a person into a monster, and he is being honest about his discomfort. As others have said, give him time to think it over. However, don't let him fanny around for months 'getting his head together' or whatever: after a poitn it will have to be agreed that he either accepts your DS, or you continue your relationship as a fun bit of escapism ie you go and spend childfree hedonistic time with him and then return home to your DS and there is no need for DS and man to meet... or he decides he can;t cope with you being a parent and the two of you call it quits.

SGB with great advice as usual.

My experience was that dp and i were friends (living a great distance apart too) first and when we realised there we had feelings for each other i made it clear my DS came first. We had long conversations about it and had very clear boundaries set. When my ds met dp and then dp was staying at weekends we let their relationship develop at ds pace. I woke one morning and dp had got up with ds to let me have a lie in and when i came downstairs to see them playing trains together i knew it was all going to be fine. My dp has embraced being part of my ds's life.

I think it's good that he's being honest about how he feels.......but you have to decide how long you can wait for him to make his mind up. Put your happiness and that of your son first, and that certainly won't include living with uncertainty about this.

Personally i couldn't have a man in my life who didn't fully embrace the role of being a 'parent' to an existing child.

My 'dad' met mum when i was three, and he definitely parented me differently to my younger sister. I could never put a child of mine through that.

taking on someone else's child is a big deal, and tbh I think it's a igger deal for a man than for a woman because generally the child is resident with the mother, so the man has to move in with the child as well as the mother, and take on an immediate stepparent role, whereas a woman moving in with the man generally only gets to see the children at weekends/perhaps for a night during the week and holidays, so is not expected to immediately take on the role as full-time stepparent.

At least he's being honest with you before you've got to a point where he's met your ds.

before I had Ds I would never have gone out with someone who had children, and even now I would think twice. It doesn't make him a monster or selfish or anything bad, if children aren't yet on your agenda it can be hard having one suddenly thrust on you, especially one that isn't biologically yours.

I would give him chance to think it over, but I wouldn't avoid his calls or texts, he shouldn't be being punished for having these thoughts.

granted he shouldn't but then again is it fair on me to keep me thinking everything is fine and as normal etc but knowing this. he's wanting to come over this week/spend sat together, Am I expected to act normally/mess about etc with him??

I'm so tempted to walk away. guys in work are saying make or break in essance/hes' using it as an excuse.

I don't think you should see him this weekend. He should spend his free time thinking about his situation. Seeing you will only detract from time spent actually contemplating what he wants to do with his life.

I think 2 weeks is time enough away from you for him to realise what he might be letting go of, but equally, enough time for him to seriously think about the relationship.

I'm not saying avoid ALL his calls, just don't always be picking up every call and responding to every text. Let his curiosity work for you a little. Be a bit more aloof - doesn't hurt to have them wondering what YOU are doing, and WHO you might be doing it with!

TSB I think you are right. I would cut your losses and just leave him to it.

One bloke I dated did the same thing, telling me: 'I need to protect myself' in regards to my child.

Turns out he'd met someone else anyway !!! Glad I didn't go down the road of trying to persuade him otherwise.

I don't think you should see him this weekend, because that's sending him the message that it is OK for the two of you just to meet for fun and sex. Unless you think that's the decision you are going to come to (and it's a prefectly good one - you know yourself well enough to know whether or not you would be happy with this), tell him you would both be better off spending time apart to think things over.
FWIW a number of men seem to think that they can tell a woman something upsetting ie that they are 'not sure' for whatever reason, that they want to remain in, or progress with, the relationship they are having with her but having said this, expect her to carry on cooking dinner and sucking dick while she waits for the man to make his mind up. DOn't let yourself be put in this powerless position, it's appallingly bad for your mental health and self-esteem.

I know SGB, he's texted again today sayin 'hiya hunny, how r u 2day. x'

I want to say shit.
I want to say fuck off
I want to say I think we possibly have something special but I can't keep doing this.
I want him to make a god damn choice before I do.

(and he says there's been no one else- keeps saying that)

Just text back 'Fine thanx' and switch the phone off . DOn't instigate another conversation about Where The Relationship IS Going, it's his turn to do that...

well he's just caught me on the hop & rang, was usual self, asked why I'd put my status on FB and the deleted it (had said that I couldn't want till combat tonight to kick ass cos the other bloke's gonna get a real pasting ). asked if it was written in anger I said about 80%. then said he'd call back later on tonight when he could hewar as his brother was playig guitar - tbh I think he'll leave me alone now as the last thing he said was 'well hope your day gets better'

thing is he's not a bad bloke, he can be nice - then again XH could be nice, and other times he couldn't - but deep down I know this bloke isn't abusive & like my ex. ho hum.

and sods law my parcel arrived today which is full of toys goodies which was meant for the w.e

(oh and I don't do just sex relationships - well I do, with one person only, we both know where we stand and that's that wouldn't entertain anyone else)

exactly mrsj - i've said from the start i'm 3 people, well obviously one but in work i'm the accountant at home with DS i'm a mum and with him i'm well.. hmm lol. but in no way does my having a child define who I am because it doesn't.

While I do accept that it's hard for him and it's good he's thinking things out, it's also hard for me being in a no man's type place. as it were.

Whilst I can totally see where your coming from as far as kind of being left in limbo, I must say I'd be more worried about a guy who didn't care that you have a child then one who needs to seriously consider that fact. Warning bells would be going off very loudly if I met someone who didnt at least acknowledge that starting a relationship with someone who has children is a serious thing.

I agree with a couple of people on here, maybe he's realsied that he's starting to get deep feelings for you, and now has forced himself to think about his ability to handle the fact you have a child, and the shift in your relationship when he meets your DS (think its fab you havent rushed into that btw).

Has there been a particular conversation that started all this off or has he been wary of ds all along?

If you have been in an abusive relationship before, your eyes should be wide open to whether this guy is playing games, and using this as a way of making his feelings towards your ds clear, so you accept it and he can use it as a way of abusing you, or just being genuine and thoughtful....only you know him and can gague the situation better then any of us.

If your heart and head tell you he's for real, give him some time to think without cutting him off completley. If you have even a hint of a warning bell - run like the wind. Good luck xx

You've only been seeing him since mid-august. This is way too early for all this angst.
Barely six weeks.

I think you are asking too much of him at this stage and he is backing off. Wanting commitment after a matter of weeks is scary for a lot of people.

Relax a bit. If he was saying he is unsure after six months then yes I would be questioning whether to carry on. After six weeks I would stick to dating, enjoying his company seeing how things develop naturally.

thanks challenging. I think deep down he's one of hte good guys, who's genuinely confused - then again i've been fooled by so many men in the past (well about 6) that it's like I can't trust to trust my own judgement.

either way there is going to come a point when I can't do this anymore. it's not fair on me at the mo, but then again not fair on him for me to not lef thim have some space. He seems to think he can have space whilst still talking to me normally.

It's been ongoing for about a week now - basically he came over to mine and DS woke up as the dogs were barking, I went in settled him & he re woke went back in again and NG left about 30 seconds after. I asked if he was OK with me and he said yeah just needed to get his head around the fact I have a child - we talked at it at length on the Tuesday (well at half 1) then again on the weds night and again last night. I've always said the same thing to him which is what i'm saying here - It's also odd for me to get used to this situation as well so it's a learning curve for us both. Also until last tues he always refered to DS as 'your son' or we didn't really talk about him, however I think last week really brought it home and he now refers to him as J (DS's name) and I have spoken about him more - ie things he/we've done etc.

Last night thou when I came off the phone I felt like everything would be ok if for DS (and that's awful for me to think I know - but that's not just with issues around this guy, there's other things as well going on aside from him - XH, Work etc etc the usual grind) I love my son and can't believe I even thought that.

i'm fine witht hat lord - infact totally, am also totally fine with no pressure - I don't want any at all, I want to enjoy his company & go out & do stuff etc. he's the one who's raised all of the DS stuff - likewise he's the one who's openly admittred he doens't feel pressure from me but from his self re the DS situation.

(also mid aug is when we first met- were talking for a few weeks b4 this)

Dont beat yourself up about feeling like that, we all get those moments, even when there isn't a new person involved!!

It is really early days, and while I agree maybe you should both chill out a bit, its too important a situation to ignore if he really does have an issue about it.

I dont know you at all as I'm quite new, but from some of your comments on this thread you sound like you have a rough trot....

Maybe your pushing yourself a little, I know you really like this guy, but maybe you should just enjoy it for what it is at the moment. Have you told the NG that your happy to just have fun, and he really doesn't have to consider ds in that way right now? From what you've posted it seems he's putting more pressure on himself than you are on him. It seems to me that you need to learn to trust your own judgement when it comes to men before you worry about anything else, as you seem to be questioning yourself alot. xx