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Relationships

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Original poster

Should I continue to date this guy?

41 replies

StupidCupid · 21/09/2009 20:41

Sorry, namechanged for this post, as I am fairly regular and don't want this to affect my regular postings.

Anyways, I have been a single mum for a while now, with a 20 month old DD. I don't date very often, and only have been out once or twice in the last six months. I work in a university which has very close links to a major football club.

Anyway to cut a long story short, a footballer asked me out to dinner a couple weeks ago, and I went. Had fun, but the guy was not the sharpest tool in the box. He was nice, but not really my type, and my usual type tends to be quite intellectual. Asked me out again last week, and I said yes, but now feeling like I shouldn't have said yes, as I feel like I am leading him on. Also, I am quite passionate about my football, but support a different team to what he plays for.

Anyway, family and friends think I am nuts to not want to date him (cute, bags of money, quite nice generally). So in a bind really. Should I continue to date him or politely say I am not interested?

OP posts:

cocolepew · 21/09/2009 20:43

I say carry on, you're not leading him on. One date is too quick to get a proper impression of somone. You might hit it off or you might not, that's what dating is about.

BitOfFun · 21/09/2009 20:45

Agree with cocolepew.

Original poster

StupidCupid · 21/09/2009 20:48

Yeah, I suppose. I just don't want to feel like I am just dating him for who he is, IYSWIM? Like I said, I don't date very much, so out of touch with proper dating etiquette.

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SolidGoldBrass · 21/09/2009 20:48

Do you enjoy yourself when you are out with him? If so, keep dating him (you're not 'leading him on' by going on dates with him, no one is entitled to a continuing relationship or a shag just because they have been on a few dates with someone).
If he bores you, annoys you or in some indefinable way creeps you out, don't date him.

Original poster

StupidCupid · 21/09/2009 20:54

SolidGoldBrass, yes I did enjoy the dinner with him (lovely restaurant), and no he doesn't creep me out (not yet, anyway). He's a just a teeny bit full of himself, but I just put that down to being who he is, and getting all that attention.

OP posts:

purplepeony · 21/09/2009 20:54

You seem to have made up your mind that he is just a pretty face- though maybe rich with it!

IMO those who seem not really my type, turn out to be NRMT.

Gut feelings!

Don't let the glamour or other people egg you on to continue- they are possibly after some weird kind of reflected glory !

dittany · 21/09/2009 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MinkyBorage · 21/09/2009 21:02

go whilst you can enjoy yourself, if he starts to bore you or spikes your drinkm, then don't go again

mmmwine · 21/09/2009 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

StupidCupid · 21/09/2009 21:09

PurplePeony, Dittany, you are sort of right. I am in two minds whether he's my type or not. Its just that I haven't dated very much, so I am not sure what my gut is telling me... we do have some things in common (footie, parts of my work etc).

What puts me off is the attention (people comng up for autographs at dinner) and the fact that he didn't even know who I was referring to when I said something about Oliver Twist. I probably came across as a real snob... and I don't want to be that either.

I have very reluctantly gotten back into the dating scene as I don't want to be alone all my life (am 30) but this is confusing the heck out of me. Which is why I've posted here, to see if I can get some honest advice.

OP posts:

Jumente · 21/09/2009 21:10

I do wonder about this.

There's only been a couple of times when I just 'knew' someone was something very special, above the norm as it were...anyone else I've dated has been a disaster!

When I met ds1's father, I'd seen him in the street loads of times, and got annoyed with him for making a racket (noisy bike) but never really noticed him properly apart from that.

I only spoke to him one day because I felt guilty for the dirty looks...suddenly I was more comfortable than I had ever felt in my life...the first sentence he spoke to me as we sat around on the drive, while he tried to fix that bloody bike...something in me just sank to the floor and settled there...I suddenly started to breathe in a different way, I was sort of 'alive'.

It is difficult to explain but when something like that happens, it is very weird and you can't control it.
From that moment I couldn't stand to be apart from him. We broke up 5 years ago and I still can't stand it, if i am honest...though of course I have learned not to think about him, or miss him.

Sorry for the ramble, you reminded me of why falling in love isn't as simple as a dating agency or a pub. It's actually quite rare imo.

I think you should just keep it very casual - it sounds like you already know really.

Original poster

StupidCupid · 21/09/2009 21:10

Mmmwine, when I have made up my mind, sure you can

OP posts:

Original poster

StupidCupid · 21/09/2009 21:14

Jumente, yes, you're right about love. I was very young when I met DD's dad, and we loved each other very much, but we had fundamental lifestyle differences that drove us apart. He eventually ended up moving to a different country, and I thought I will never date or fall in love again. Strange what true love can do to you!

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overmydeadbody · 21/09/2009 21:14

Don't date him just because you don;t want to be alone in your life,

but if you get on well and enjoyed your date then by all means go out with him again, get to know him, properly.

People are intelligent in different ways, don;t judge him as not intelligent just because he is not academically that sharp or not very well read. If he;s a footballer he is obviously very kinesthetically intelligent, whci isn;t a bad thing in a boyfriend

As SGB said, you;re not leading him on by dating him.

mmmwine · 21/09/2009 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

overmydeadbody · 21/09/2009 21:16

true love schmoo love

love doesn't have to mean falling in love romantic bollox love. Real love is what remains when the flames have died down.

sometimes you need to get to know someone to discover who they really are.

boudoiricca · 21/09/2009 21:17

No. Absolutely not. Don't waste any more of your or his time.

Cut all ties and move on.

dittany · 21/09/2009 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

StupidCupid · 21/09/2009 21:22

True, I suppose that's whats been bothering me. The fact that I will never know if I don't go, and I will always ask myself 'what if'... so I will, and I will darn well enjoy myself (he does like Thai food, like I do, that's a start right? )

Overmydeadbody, 'kinestetically intelligent' lol

Oh, and I am a brunette, so if you see pics of so and so with a mystery brunette in a green dress, that's me

And I'll keep you updated

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boudoiricca · 21/09/2009 21:22

So, how did that make you feel?

Because if you're suffering even a bit of disappointment or sinking stomach at the idea of not seeing him again, then maybe you're more interested that you think..?

Regardless of his intelligence levels / cultural background / your different lifestyles there was a connection so just relax and enjoy it and see where it leads...

On the other hand, if you were bowled over in a wave of relief at having the decision to end this made for you then feel free to say thanks, but no thanks...

RubysReturn · 21/09/2009 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

queenofdenial2009 · 21/09/2009 21:26

As a single parent, our opportunities to go out are far and few between so I'd go for another date or so. If nothing else, you can have a nice meal out and hopefully have a nice chat.

If the conversation is drying up or he starts irritating you, then stay in and watch the X-Factor with the rest of us. See it as fun - nothing more, nothing less.

And 30 is not old! She says pushing 40.

rookiemater · 21/09/2009 21:27

I'd give him another chance. i read a dating book ( oh and I didn't meet DH until the advanced age of 33 ) that said you should give someone 3 dates before you make your mind up.

3 dates is maybe one too many, but I think its perfectly reasonable to go for another to make your mind up without you feeling that you are leading him down the garden path.

Oh and I wasn't that sure at all about DH on the first date. I knew he was a nice guy but didn't know if there was a spark until he gave me a peck on our second date and I swear there was electricity.

Hope it all goes well, I'm sure there is someone just right for you out there and perhaps it is this chap.

OrangeFish · 21/09/2009 21:28

"he didn't even know who I was referring to when I said something about Oliver Twist"

That would do it for me and I'm just a humble intellectual in recess with a slightly rusted brain.

Having said that, I always got attracted to sharp ambitious men with a well furnished brain, and thought I would never go for anything different. Well well, I would never said that new BF shares the ambition of the previous one, and I would probably never see him talking in TV about a discovery that could potentially change the perspective of humanity but... he loves the same things that I do, and it is such a pleasure to share those things with him, apart of having other characteristics that I never considered important that are now the base of my relationship.

Now after all my babble, don't date him if you feel a resounding "no' in your head, but if you are having a good time... perhaps when he is no longer trying to impress you and you get used to the attention he gets, you will be in a position to see who he really is and decide whether you like it or not.

Original poster

StupidCupid · 21/09/2009 21:29

Well, it was also to do with 'can I handle this?' as well. So in a way, I am glad I got the advice from you all, so I can, in a way justify my decision.

I will now depend on how I feel when I see him this week...! Part of me is liking the glamour and the attention, the other, more sensible uni lecturer part of me is dreading it and worryign about any fallout from it.

So I am just going to go out with him this time, and keep an open mind. I don't want to regret not giving it a chance later on in my life.

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