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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Oh God - am I making the same mistake again?

28 replies

tippytap · 18/09/2009 20:31

Hiya,

I've posted on here before. I was in a relationship with a man who abused me emotionally and who I now beleive was a narcissist. Among other problems, he also suffered, on and off, with depression (Apparently, I was the cause of this, but that's a whole nother can of worms).

Anyway, after two years of being on my own, I have recently dipped my toe into the world of internet dating and have been chatting with a very nice man, who works in the medical profession. We're meeting up for lunch on Sunday, for the first time.

So, while we were chatting on the phone last night, he mentioned that he has suffered from depression in the past and is currently receiving psychotherapy.

I don't want to make the same mistakes as before. I can't go through that again. Should I pull out now, go through with the meeting, but then not push it any further or give the man a chance.

I just can't trust my own judgement anymore..........Help!

OP posts:

tattycoram · 18/09/2009 20:40

I would give him a chance. A pretty huge proportion of the population suffer from depression at some point in their lives and I think it affects people in almost as many different ways as there are people suffering from it. He's open about it and dealing with it, which is all very positive I think. It's really hard when you feel you can't trust your instinct, because all you can really go on is your gut feeling when dating isn't it, but I would go and see what he's like. He might be a self obsessed nightmare, but he might be lovely.

ohforaman · 18/09/2009 20:48

Sorry, but I would be a little dubious of a man that volunteered this information so early on, unless you've got to know each other incredibly well before meeting?

Original poster

tippytap · 18/09/2009 20:53

OFM,

We've chatted a few times and he works in a hospital, so that's how it came up.

I know lots of people have depression, but honestly, I've been there before. I don't want to have to deal with that again.

OP posts:

ohforaman · 18/09/2009 21:09

But psychotherapy's pretty in-depth, there's obviously some pressing issues here, which is why he's receiving therapy, and if you're ok with that, then it's fine and I'm all for being open and upfront about depression. But, you've been through a lot in your previous relationship, are you sure you really want to take this on..?

Original poster

tippytap · 18/09/2009 21:14

No. I absolutely do not want to be with anyone who has or has suffered from depression.

I know that my previous partner had lots of other issues and, to be honest, I don't know how "real" his depression was, but I do know that I just don't want to be worrying about it, constantly.

I have a DD, she is only 3. I have to put her welfare first as well.

It's pants, because I really liked talking to him on the phone. D'you think I should cancel our meeting or wait til Sunday, see how it goes and tell him to his face? This'll sound so pathetic, but I hate the idea of upsetting him (well, anyone really.).

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 18/09/2009 21:18

I'd say, if you liked what you knew of him before he mentioned this, give him at least one date's worth of a chance. If he is receiving treatment, he's hopefully on the way to getting over whatever his problems are. But if your date consists of him whining about how no one has ever given him enough understanding, or hours of therapy-speak tedious monologue, you can walk away with a clear conscience.

Original poster

tippytap · 18/09/2009 21:21

SGB,

I think pretty much everyone is worthy of at least one date. I guess that I'm just scared because I can't trust my own judgement anymore and donot want to get sucked in.

OP posts:

aseriouslyblondemoment · 18/09/2009 21:37

hmm imho i'd think twice
having done the whole internet dating thing it has to be said that whilst it's a great way for us singles and esp.lone mums to meet men it also has its'downfalls
the major factor i think is the sense of intimacy and of 'knowing' someone and everything about them before you have actually met in RL
ok this man has been honest with you which is great but this is because he thinks he already knows you and feels at ease with you
you seem decent enough to want to give him one date but don't allow your sense of decency to over rule you here,you can change your mind you don't have to see him.
the fact that you have posted speaks volumes,maybe take a breather and consider what you actually want from any future relationship/s you don't have to settle for a date with a man just because he seems nice esp.after what you experienced with your ex

purplepeony · 18/09/2009 21:40

I have friend who have had psychotherapy and I work with psychotherapist- all kind of "normal" people have psychotherapy- it's not like leprosy!
Depending on his issues, give the guy a chance.

At least he is trying to sort himself out which is what the other 99% of the male population could try!

ohforaman · 18/09/2009 21:40

I know you really like him, but I think there lies your problem " D'you think I should cancel our meeting or wait til Sunday, see how it goes and tell him to his face? This'll sound so pathetic, but I hate the idea of upsetting him (well, anyone really.)..."

You need to look after you! Put you, your needs and your dd's first and be very cautious of being somewhat conditioned to possibly attracting a similar type of man.

Meet him but remain sure and strong in your own mind that you'll walk away if all doesn't seem right, and don't let it continue just because you're worried about upsetting his feelings.

Original poster

tippytap · 18/09/2009 21:44

Aseriously.....

I liked chatting to him, I really did. Right up until the point he mentioned his depression.

I don't want to upset him, but equal,y, I think that in my head, I've already decided that I don't want to do that again.

In case people think that sounds really shallow, my Dad died when I was in my very early twenties, after a long illness and I helped my Mum nurse him. Three years later, I was involved with my Ex (with all of his issues) and we were together just over seven years.

I just want someone who I can rely on, I suppose and who p'raps, will look after me occasionally.

OP posts:

BitOfFundango · 18/09/2009 21:45

Already you "don't want to upset him"...hmm, I'd be inventing an old boyfriend who's got back in touch and blow him off (not in a good way )

You've said you would prefer not to date someone with depression, so don't.

Mumfun · 18/09/2009 21:48

But there is depression and depression.

Ive a relative who went through major depression, got treatment and has been fine for years now.

You would never know there had ever been an issue.

I would go on the date - but respect you have different background etc

movingnow · 18/09/2009 21:50

Pull out now, do not do lunch on Sunday

MsHighwater · 18/09/2009 21:51

You said this man disclosed his depression to you before you have met. Perhaps he has let you know early on to give you the opportunity to back out, if that's what you are going to do, before either of you gets to the point where ending it will hurt (much). If he has volunteered this information, perhaps you should be straightforward with him and let him know (some of) your history and your feelings so that he knows it isn't going to go further.

That said, one date isn't shouldn't cause a problem. Why not go ahead but have that conversation with him when you see him?

aRLcat · 18/09/2009 21:55

TBH I think in this case your issues will likely cause him harm!

The last thing anyone with depression needs is close involvement with someone who has issues with emotional illness. You will find progression of this relationship hard due to your issues and this is bound to affect his recovery.

Bare in mind, in a few months, it could be you with an emotional illness, by which time he could be perfectly well again!

I'm concerned that you may need help to address your fears because it really could happen to anyone within your life at any time and it might help you (and them) for you to be in a positive place if and when it does occur.

Gently make your excuses and bail.

AnAuntieNotAMum · 18/09/2009 22:01

tippytap - if you think that you were involved with a narcissist do you think that you might be a codependent type? I've recently realised that I am, having read this list www.coda-uk.org/index.cfm?pageid=40 not when it comes to people with addictions, but definitely when it comes to people with problems - maybe that's even why I'm here posting now . If you think that might be your type, then I think you're really wise to walk away until you feel sure that you won't fall into the role.

aseriouslyblondemoment · 18/09/2009 22:04

fwiw i don't think you sound shallow at all you have both yourself and your dd to think of here
it's not a case of upsetting him but what is right for you and from what you've said you don't sound 100%
sadly i think alot of us feel that we mustn't be mean or apparently hurt people
please remember this is a man you have met on line you don't actually know him
you enjoyed the chat til he mentioned his illness which was an immediate red flag
trust your gut here
believe me there are other men out there tho you might not find them instantly it can take time,what matters now is that you're getting your life back on track
please don't be hard on yourself about this

Original poster

tippytap · 18/09/2009 22:07

Auntie -

Really interesting. D'you have to tick all of them? The only ones I identify with are about half each in the low self esteem and compliance patterns.

OP posts:

purplepeony · 18/09/2009 22:17

I can only add that psychotherapy might benefit lots of people and this man is brave to be trying it, to see if it helps.

You seem a bit unrealistic about what you are looking for- most people have some sort of baggage and whilst you don't want to end up with a head case, you also need to accept that it is you that has the issue as much as them!

Original poster

tippytap · 18/09/2009 22:23

PP,

That's why I like Mumsnet, it helps to give another perspective to things.

OP posts:

Original poster

tippytap · 18/09/2009 22:27

PP - also, this is the second time he's had therapy. Clearly, whatever is causing his depression, isn't easily sorted.

OP posts:

AnAuntieNotAMum · 19/09/2009 00:32

I'm not sure if you have to tick them all I'm afraid, it's all brand new to me. For a lot of them, for me, they are tendencies rather than the way I always act.

mathanxiety · 19/09/2009 07:04

He's doing internet dating. He surely knows it's a hit or miss world out there. Don't worry about hurting his feelings. He's got a therapist to help him get over it if you don't want to pursue it . If he wasn't willing to take the chance of being rejected for any one of 2000 different reasons, he wouldn't have posted on a site. Glad you're not willing to be a caretaker any more; it might be good for you to go, get a lunch out of it, and than say thanks but no thanks, and see that his life and yours just carry on.

Anniegetyourgun · 19/09/2009 08:06

Agree you're not obliged to meet anyone if you're not completely happy about it. You're also completely within your rights to meet someone you get on well with, have a pleasant date then draw a line under it (and you don't even have to give reasons, just politely let him know you don't wish to take it any further).

Just wanted to say, though: I'm on my way back from a major depressive episode, and I'm lovely

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