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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Another control freak?

29 replies

onedayonly · 14/09/2009 18:57

I went out with this man for about 18 months, and then we split up. We got back together recently, about 3 weeks ago, and things seemed ok. But I can't help but feel that his behaviour is becoming controlling again (one of the main reasons we split up before, although his defence is that he is merely passionate, not controlling!). The thing that has set off alarm bells again is that recently I said to him that I wanted to get a vibrator, and he said that if I did I must keep it at his house!!! That way I would only be able to use it in his presence! Basically I would have to ask his permission to use my own vibrator! It's not just this, obviously,there are other things but this one really set off the alarms. Am I over reacting?

OP posts:

mumblechum · 14/09/2009 18:58

Nope. Alarm bells would be ringing for me too

GypsyMoth · 14/09/2009 18:59

no,you're not over reacting!!

mamas12 · 14/09/2009 22:22

o oh I think you knew what was going to be said here didn't you.

Original poster

onedayonly · 14/09/2009 22:48

Hi, yes I knew what was going to be said! I've been in controlling relationships before, and just wanted to make sure I wasn't being over sensitive.

OP posts:

aRLcat · 14/09/2009 22:57

Nope, not over sensitive!

Buy an absolutuely enormous one, better still, buy two (one for him!) to keep at his house, that should have him running for the hills, with luck

Original poster

onedayonly · 14/09/2009 23:13

I just wrote a reply and the computer ate it! But I was saying that today he text to ask where I was an I told him I was in a coffee shop studying and that he was welcome to join me. We had had a row over the weekend...he was questioning my parenting method (I'm a damn good mother) and also won't get past the fact that I dated someone else 3 or 4 times while were apart. Incidentally he dated a woman while we were apart but that seems to be ok . I had had a tuna sandwich and the wrapper was on the table and he asked me what I'd had. I told him a sandwich. He picked up the inner cardboard bit and said 'I see you've had a cake as well' in a really accusatory voice and wouldn't believe me that it was also from the sandwich! Not that I am answerable to him, I'm 40 years of age FFS.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 14/09/2009 23:18

he sounds ghastly

and if he's irritating you after 3 weeks what's the point in carrying on?

mamas12 · 14/09/2009 23:19

oh my god onedayonly come on. Give him the elbow.

Original poster

onedayonly · 14/09/2009 23:26

Laurie...I was with him for 18 months previously, so it's not a 'new' relationship as such, but he promised he'd changed blah blah...he said when we got back together that I had to give him the benefit of the doubt if he got it wrong occasionally...however, how many times do you give someone the benefit of the doubt before you admit defeat?
He is very good to me in many ways but has a knack of making me feel beholden to him, and almost as if I'm his property. For instance, he keeps telling me I should join a gym but that he will pay for it...I would hate that though as I know I will then be answerable to him if I don't go x amount of times a week.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 15/09/2009 03:11

OMG. This man is not for you. Dump him fast. Things will never, ever, ever get better. Getting rid of him is not admitting defeat. It is proclaiming to the world that you are a smart woman who deserves better than this jerk. No more benefit of the doubt. Sometimes the truth is not somewhere in the middle.

thumbwitch · 15/09/2009 03:29

Give it up. Seriously. He hasn't changed, and if this is better than what he was like before, then he must have been dreadful before.

Walk away before you waste any more of your life on him (and think of your DC as well - you don't want him controlling them too, do you?)

And what mathanxiety said it is NOT admitting defeat, it is accepting that he is a control freak and that you want and deserve something better from life.

ClaudiaSchiffer · 15/09/2009 03:50

Agree agree agree, he is a control nut. Get away from him. Loon. (Him not you).

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/09/2009 07:03

Such controlling men do not change, they are often angry men as well. They almost always say that they'll change - NO they do not. Walking away here is the only thing to do with such men, he will just grind you and your children down even more otherwise.

Think you need to read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft (particularly as you have been in controlling relationships before). He writes about how such men operate and target their victims. It is yet another form of abusive behaviour, controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour.

diddl · 15/09/2009 07:03

And this is after just 3wks back together?

How long will it be before you can´t do something without asking him first because he has made you incapable of decision making?

And in effect he thinks you lied about a cake?

So you can only eat cake with permission?

You know what you have to do!!

StewieGriffinsMom · 15/09/2009 07:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Portofino · 15/09/2009 07:36

Run for the hills!

Kally · 15/09/2009 08:10

and 'vibrate' with his permission only... I don't think yu should have even told him you intend getting one, that is your business entirely!

AnyFucker · 15/09/2009 08:18

run, run, run

stressed2007 · 15/09/2009 08:23

No way. I am all for giving people the benefit of the doubt and I think it sounds wong. You are your own woman - get rid and go and find someone better - you will!

Original poster

onedayonly · 15/09/2009 12:00

Thanks so much, was concerned I was becoming a cynical bitter woman who only saw the bad. But the good news is that I am now seeing the signs early on, which has got to be good. I had a sleepless night last night as my little one was ill, which gave me alot of time to reflect, and I have made my mind up that this is not for me. My oldest daughter is furious with him as she heard the comments he made about my parenting, and my little one says she is not his friend now as he upset Mummy again. He is jealous of my relationship with the kids, we are incredibly close as a family, and he took my son for a walk the other day and had a 'talk' with him, saying he had to let go of the apron strings ( my son is only 12!), and when my son told him that I had always told the kids that I will always love them more than anyone else, he got really offended .
Anyway, this is not the sort of life I want, always walking on eggshells, asking permission or having to justify myself, so that's that.
Kally...we were walking past the Ann Summers shop when I said it was time I got myself another 'toy'...and he obviously thought about it for ma while because it was later on that day that he said I had to keep it at his house. In fact if I remember rightly he said that being able to use it would be my 'reward' for going to his more often! He wants me and the kids to move into his house, and said that that's the only way I'd be able to have MY vibe on tap!

OP posts:

Original poster

onedayonly · 15/09/2009 12:04

Diddl...that comment about inability to make decisions for myself...how true that is. Not now, but before when I was in an abusive marriage, I got to the stage where I really believed I couldn't even fill in a simple form, or choose what to have for dinner. No way am I doing that to myself or the kids again.

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 15/09/2009 13:21

Hooray! Well done onedayonly - I hope you have kicked him into touch by now - you sound good and strong enough to give him the heave-ho.
What an awful thing to say to your DS - and well done him for standing up to the man. Your DC sound lovely

Original poster

onedayonly · 15/09/2009 13:30

Haven't told him yet as I haven't heard anything since yesterday and I know he's at work today. But once I make up my mind that's it.
Thumbwitch, thanks . The DC really are lovely kids, I'm very proud of them and anyone who gets to have them in their lives is very lucky IMO!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 15/09/2009 17:18

ODO, well done you !!

Now stick with it this time !!

junglist1 · 15/09/2009 18:12

He's grooming you for abuse. Tosser

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