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Relationships

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Original poster

My hubby went for a vasectomy :(

91 replies

Nicky79 · 14/09/2009 14:20

My husband recently went for a vasectomy, which I didn't want him to have. He doesn't want anymore (we have 2 kids) but I'd really like 1 or even 2 more.
One of us had to be unhappy, I don't want to force him into having more kids if he really doesn't want to, but feel a vasectomy was a little hard?
I now HATE him! I love him but really hate what he's done, I can't look at him without wanting to stab him!
Will the pain of having no more ever go away? Will I love him again? All I can think about is finding another man! I mean whats going on! I've been married 9 lovely perfect years! I've never been tempted away form my hubby, but can't help thinking about starting over!
It's doing my head in!
Please help!

OP posts:

diddl · 14/09/2009 14:34

But if he doesn´t want any more, it was never going to happen anyway, so what difference does the vasectomy make?

thesecondcoming · 14/09/2009 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Nicky79 · 14/09/2009 14:39

I guess. Just seems so final. When we got married we had talked about 4 kids. I just assumed we'd have 4, But I guess he's allowed to change his mind.
Do I stay a hope it gets better? Or go?

OP posts:

bumpybecky · 14/09/2009 14:43

unless you're really old to be ttc (42+ ?) I'd say to leave it a set amount of time ( 6 months perhaps) and see how you feel then

it's too soon to be making a decision to leave imho

diddl · 14/09/2009 14:44

You´d really leave him for this?

Is he a good father to the children you have?

If so, get over yourself and count your blessings.

Be grateful for what you have.

Is it possible he did this because he didn´t trust you not to "accidentally" fall pregnant?

pagwatch · 14/09/2009 14:46

Good grief
Are you really contemplating walking out on your marriage because of this?

expatinscotland · 14/09/2009 14:46

I agree with secondcoming.

Original poster

Nicky79 · 14/09/2009 14:51

I'd never joop him into having more. If I was going to do that I'd be pregnant by now! He does what a father should do.
I hope I never leave. I was just a little shocked when he told me he was going to have one, then 3 weeks later it was done. I thought we'd discuss it before he went.
Maybe I am just being selfish. I am so lucky to have what I've got, only so upset coz I always thought we'd have more.

OP posts:

aRLcat · 14/09/2009 14:54

You come across as a control freak and selfish in that. His body, his choice!

Were you hoping to trick or coerce him into more children against his intentions? If not then I don't understand what difference his choice makes.

Be glad of all you do have, the grass is rarely ever greener.

diddl · 14/09/2009 14:55

Hopefully for both of your sakes you will get over this.

It really isn´t worth losing a marriage over, IMO.

Unfortunately, once the decision is made, what is there discuss?
By discuss you mean try to get him to change his mind?

thesockmonsterofdoom · 14/09/2009 14:57

I am with you, it should be a decision you should have made together. I would have been gutted. Hpefully you will feel better about it soon but allow yourself time to come round to this.

aRLcat · 14/09/2009 15:00

X posts.

If you weren't supportive when he discussed it with you then he had to go ahead without your support.

It would have been wrong to dissuade him and maybe this is what he feared you would try to do in further discussion.

I do believe men and women have equal rights to freedom of choice when it comes to procreation. Although it is a shame your opinions differed, you will have to find away to acceptance before it destroys you and your family.

Northernlurker · 14/09/2009 15:00

Grow up please - do you want to be explaining to your kids in years to come that you left their dad so you could go and get pregnant with someone else? Just cut all the 'stay or go' crap out - this is a situation you need to work through - this is not an excuse to walk out on your marriage.
It is a very hard situation but he clearly doesn't want any more children and has taken responsibility for that.

MmeLindt · 14/09/2009 15:00

It is not a very good sign of how your marriage is if he went off and had a vasectomy without your consent.

However, he does have the right to decide that he does not want more DC.

He should have talked it over with you properly beforehand.

"he does what a father should do" does not sound like you think he does enough.

TheCrackFox · 14/09/2009 15:11

I think the OP has a right to be angry with him. Shouldn't this be a joint decision? I don't want anymore DCs but I would be pissed of with Dh if he had a vasectomy without consulting me. It would feel far to final for me.

NinthWave · 14/09/2009 15:12

He must feel very strongly about not having any more, to take such a step. And if his feelings are that strong, then I think you need to respect them.

This topic is interesting to me ATM as am in a similar situation:

I recently found out I was pregnant - an unplanned pregnancy, my DH didn't want any more (we have 1). Before I got pregnant we had agreed he would go for the snip. Although not happy about the pregnancy, he'd accepted it.

Last week I had a miscarriage. DH is still going for the vasectomy though - and I know I have to support his decision as we'd talked about it a lot before I lost the pregnancy.

Yes it means I won't have any more children, and yes that is quite had to deal with, but if he feels this strongly then I have to respect that.

I hope you can come to terms with it and work things out - hopefully your angry feelings are just an initial 'shock' reaction, and will pass with time.

pagwatch · 14/09/2009 15:15

I think people accept that OP may well be upset and angry.
I think though that imediately concluding that you should leave and start again - especially after 9 apparently 'perfect' years - seems totally over the top and more like a hissy fit rather than a reaction to a major challenge in a relationship.

Yes it is a difficult and upsetting situation. But instantly being filled with hate and wanting to stab him seems - well ridiculous.

Malificence · 14/09/2009 15:18

You must have signed the consent forms when you went for the intial appointment with him?

My hubby had his 7 weeks ago and I had to go with him and sign the forms, if I'd have had reservations the consultant wouldn't have done it.

If you are saying that he went off and did it alone with no discussion then that is unjustifiable on his part and you have much more serious problems within your marriage than him having a vasectomy!

midnightexpress · 14/09/2009 15:20

I would be upset if DP went for a vasectomy without discussing it with me too, but I think that threatening to leave the marriage is an OTT reaction.

expatinscotland · 14/09/2009 15:24

'My hubby had his 7 weeks ago and I had to go with him and sign the forms, if I'd have had reservations the consultant wouldn't have done it.'

A wife does not have to give her consent to a man having a surgical sterilisation procedure on his own body any more than he has to give consent for her to have the same on her body if she desires.

My husband is having one next month.

I was not asked for any consent nor should I have been.

It's not my body.

MmeLindt · 14/09/2009 15:44

Just as the man is not asked to give permission for his wife/partner to have a termination, the OP would not be asked to agree to his vasectomy.

Leaving him is a massive overreaction.

If there is nothing else wrong with your marriage.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 14/09/2009 15:45

do they really get the wife to give 'consent' to a man having a surgical procedure on his body? What the fucking fuck? That's impossible. Nobody has autonomy over any other adult's body, how can someone have to ask another adult for consent to a medical procedure on themself? That's as bad as denying a woman an abortion unless the 'father' agrees. Bullcrap.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 14/09/2009 15:47

Oh - but in this case I think YANBU to be upset. I'd be very upset if my DH did something like this against my wishes. I think assuming she planned the 'trick' him into having more children is very harsh, probably the OP was hoping he would change his mind, quite reasonably.

Malificence · 14/09/2009 15:48

Well I did have to sign the forms, I'm not making it up you know! - they wouldn't see him alone and insisted he attend with me.
I did find it odd, but I do think it's a good thing.
He had it done on the NHS, don't know if it's different for private treatment?

busybeingmum · 14/09/2009 15:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

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