My hubby went for a vasectomy :(

[Nicky79]

My husband recently went for a vasectomy, which I didn't want him to have. He doesn't want anymore (we have 2 kids) but I'd really like 1 or even 2 more.
One of us had to be unhappy, I don't want to force him into having more kids if he really doesn't want to, but feel a vasectomy was a little hard?
I now HATE him! I love him but really hate what he's done, I can't look at him without wanting to stab him!
Will the pain of having no more ever go away? Will I love him again? All I can think about is finding another man! I mean whats going on! I've been married 9 lovely perfect years! I've never been tempted away form my hubby, but can't help thinking about starting over!
It's doing my head in!
Please help!

Message withdrawn

I am quite shocked by how blunt a lot of people have been.

At no point has she said she would want to trick him - perhaps hope he changes his mind, yes but nothing wrong with that.

I would be deeply hurt if DH did this to me. I wouldnt leave him because of the vasectomy but the issues of trust, hurt, lack of open conversation etc etc would really get to me.

A vasectomy is so final. We will probably never have more children but I like to think we could some day - it helps to deal with the sadness that we may have no more.

If the situation was the otherway around and she had been to be sterilised without discussing it properly with him I would also be shocked. I agere that it is his body to do what he wants with - but this also impacts on her.

OP - I really hope you can work this out and find some comfort. I would be deeply hurt if my DH did that to me.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Just as getting preganant without getting his permission is a betrayal of trust, so is having a vasectomy without thoroughly discussing it without your wife imo.

My DH would like one too, whereas I want more children. I have had a 5 year copper coild fitted instead for the time being whilst we discuss it etc.

How is your dh reacting to your sadness? What's he doing to help you cope with this?

If you do want another child then this is for you to choose and a risk that your dh took in having this op. Why couldn't he have just used condoms?

Of course it is ok to question your relationship with a man who would make a unilateral and permanent decision about your fertility.

His legal entitlement to a vasectomy is irrelevant. They are married. This affects her too. If he doesn't care and does it anyway then there are serious questions raised about his respect for her.

The misogynist crap I'm reading about how men have to have secret vasectomies to protect themselves from being "tricked" into fatherhood by scheming women is hurting my eyes.

Can't belive how hard people are being towards the op.She's obviously grieving and finding it difficult.

I don't want anymore children but if that decison was taken from me id be upset. The amount of times i have said definitely not and then possibly in the future. I mean who knows what will happen in the future people do change their mind.Its a big decision to make and perhaps the op needed more time to be sure her dh would definitely not reconsider it. I very much doubt she is about to jump into bed with another man to have his babies- we all say things in haste when we are feeling hurt and upset.

Theres not much i can say to help as theres o changin it except that its ok to be upset and grieve. You need time to get used to the idea and maybe focus on the children you have and the future you have with your dh.How old are you and your children if you dont mind me asking?

My dh wont have the snip until he is over 35 years if we dont have another before then-then i doubt we ever will. So we will then focus on all the stuff dh and i want to do when the kids are grown up.

"I now HATE him! I love him but really hate what he's done, I can't look at him without wanting to stab him! '

That's nice to know.

I predict another single mother.

Go on holiday to india and see people that are in need or visit the critically ill kids in hospital.

When you are married, you are supposed to make major decisions together. In ending his fertility, he has also ended hers. I think the OP has a right to feel hurt and upset that this was done without proper discussion.

Future babies aside, there are now issues regarding trust and communication within this relationship.

I'd be tamping if my DH went off and did this, knowing that I wasn't totally okay with it. He should have taken more time and used alternative contraception for now. In fact if my DH did this, I wouldn't want to sleep with him anyway.

OP - don't think that this is a completely done deal. My dad got his reversed and my mum went on to have twins.

You are, of course, being unreasonable and irrational - but you know that - you're going through some very big emotional stuff, and it's only natural for you to feel anger and grief.

Lots of women feel a desperate emotional need for additional babies although they know it would be a mistake - and for most of them it passes. Good luck - and try very hard not to say anything disastrous to your DH - venting on MN may well be the safest option.

Incredibly harsh responses to the OP on here. karmabeliever said it very well just above - this is a decision that impacts on her too in a big way. If she didn't want it, he should at least have given her more time to get used to the idea. He could always have insisted on using condoms in the meantime until the permanent decision was made. OP, I totally understand your feeling like this.

Am very cross with people who told the OP to "grow up". Is it really childish to want more than two children, or for that matter to question whether you want to stay with a life partner who wants something quite different from their future than you do?

Yes, she did express some extreme feelings, but those are her feelings and she has a right to have them, even though I'm sure she'd rather not. Not a right to stab the man, obviously! But if that's how she feels, it shouldn't be denied or belittled. She's asking for help in dealing with it and advice on what to do next. That is surely a lot more sensible than bottling it up, perhaps later exploding in an inappropriate manner. Isn't that what a forum like this is for?

Btw my mother used to say that there is a big distinction between having the right to do a thing, and being right to do it. I don't disagree for one minute that a man should have the right to control his own fertility. But whether he was right to do so unilaterally in this situation is a different question. Likewise the wife has a right to leave him over such a matter (as she would have the right to leave him over a lot less), but whether it is the right thing to do is something else entirely.

I admit to sympathising greatly with the OP, as I would never have been content with just two DCs. DS3 and 4 are so fabulous, yet they wouldn't have existed if their father had had a different attitude (to be honest, if we'd both been more sensible).

Why has this 1 year old thread been resurrected by Thunderballs? Bizarre.

to whoever said vasectomies aren't done at "walk-in centres"
my mum's GP surgery does them as they have a minor surgery bit there! so it's not like the op's husband necessarily has to go into hospital

that's by the by tho.

i think OP has a right to be very, very upset

having/not having children should be a joint decision
if the OP had come on and said she had deliberately not taken her pill to get pregnant people would have given her hell (and justifiably)

so why is it wrong to get pregnant when your partner doesn't want more, but it's ok to get sterilised when your partner DOES want more?

i think it was incredibly selfish of him. there are other less final forms of contraception they could have used whilst continuing to discuss the subject of any future children.
it isn't like this was his only choice is it?

he deliberately went and did something that directly affects his wife and her future. against her wishes.
he has basically said "yes, i know your feelings on this but i don't give a shit" hasn't he?

Oh oops, didn't notice it was old

Two is plenty the world is overpopulated as it is.

would any woman here go and have a sterilisation without her partner's full agreement?

Yup and I am doing so in about 8 days. When I have our next baby.

Hubby would keep going forever if I let him, he wants more, I don't. My body has been through enough, finances, house etc. I want to stick with what we have got.

He'd just keep having them if it were his choice. I think he is half hoping I will give birth naturally, as I am getting sterilised on the table whilst they are in there.

I don't want anymore kids at all, he knows the reasons why deep down, dosen't mean he is not sad. Dosen't mean I won't do it, it saves me unecessary hormonal contraception and any accidents in the future. As we do get carried away

But he hasn't had a chance to consent, he knows I am doing it and why.