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Original poster

My hubby went for a vasectomy :(

91 replies

Nicky79 · 14/09/2009 14:20

My husband recently went for a vasectomy, which I didn't want him to have. He doesn't want anymore (we have 2 kids) but I'd really like 1 or even 2 more.
One of us had to be unhappy, I don't want to force him into having more kids if he really doesn't want to, but feel a vasectomy was a little hard?
I now HATE him! I love him but really hate what he's done, I can't look at him without wanting to stab him!
Will the pain of having no more ever go away? Will I love him again? All I can think about is finding another man! I mean whats going on! I've been married 9 lovely perfect years! I've never been tempted away form my hubby, but can't help thinking about starting over!
It's doing my head in!
Please help!

OP posts:
lockets · 14/09/2009 16:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SlartyBartFast · 14/09/2009 16:26

perhaps that's the Target Driven NHS for you.
no time to think

perhaps it depends on your age as well.

did you discuss it and you made it clear you didnt want to or don't you feel you disucssed it enough.

you will have to get it off your chest and speak about this before it eats away at you and your marriage.

Original poster
Nicky79 · 14/09/2009 16:27

MmeLindt I think it has been a bit more hard work than he had first thought! And your right I should have worded it another way.
All I feel now Is a whole lot worse! I do understand why he wanted to get it done, but finding it so hard to move on. I guess I can't help how I feel/or how I'm dealing with it (or not as the case my be).

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 14/09/2009 16:27

Whether a person should discuss something like this with their partner and whether they should get their partner's permission are two totally different things.

Yes, they should discuss. No they should not have to get permission.

If a woman decided she wanted to terminate a pregnancy, she should (in the context of a relationship) discuss it with her partner. However he should never have the right to veto her decision. This is the same.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 14/09/2009 16:30

I am to see you feel worse and I apologise right now if what I said upset you. I was gutted when DH said no more children but I guess it was easier for me as his reasons were cast iron sensible.

Tale to your DH. Tell him how upset you are that he has done this without proper discussion and ask him to help you. My hubby knew I wanted more animals and I now have 2 gorgeous guinea pigs. I know they don't make up for no more human babies but they do help my need to have something else to love .

MmeLindt · 14/09/2009 16:38

I can see that this might make you question your relationship, your role in the relationship but if your DH is a good man and a good father then that is more important.

You will have to speak to him, discuss your feelings of disappointment. Of course you are disappointed, it is such a big part of your future life that is now closed for good. Maybe even think about counselling, if you think that could help.

BitOfFun · 14/09/2009 16:39

This from a British doctors' site:

"It is not a legal requirement to involve both partners in the decision-making and consent process. There is a widespread misconception that a wife must consent to her husband undergoing vasectomy. If, against a man's wishes, his wife is informed of and asked to consent to her husband's vasectomy, this can be regarded as a breach of medical confidentiality and an infringement of an individual's right to self-determination (i.e. autonomy).
Nevertheless, it is good practice to involve both partners if the male agrees."

ILYM · 14/09/2009 16:40

Malificence -
I also went to an NHS vasectomy clinic with my husband and had to sign the forms as well - I didnt know why but it was a formality that had to be adhered to or they would not go ahead with the procedure. ( We live in the South East )
Glad not to be pumping my body full of hormones after all these years TBH

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 14/09/2009 16:40

When my DH went the GP didn't ask him why he wanted the snip or anything about me. He just how many kids we had and their ages and then referred him.

Malificence · 14/09/2009 16:42

Fimbo, I am shocked at that, I know as surgical procedures go it's fairly minor but he really shouldn't have come home on the bus!
Swelling and bleeding are nasty complications and can prolong the healing prcedure for weeks, sometimes months.
I think vasectomy is done too readily and without that much information being given out.
It can have devastating side effects on some unlucky men - I see there is a support thread for women who've been damaged giving birth but no such thing exists on here for the men who've endured similarly horrific things after vasectomy. It's just not talked about, as PND wasn't taken seriously until relatively recently.
I made sure we did all the relevant research and made sure it was ultimately my hubby's decision to go ahead, I would have been happy either way.
Most men are living in blissful ignorance about the potential severity of the simple "snip" - my hubby knew the ( albeit small) risks and decided to go ahead.

jomalone · 14/09/2009 16:43

kat2907 no they shouldn't have to get permission. but if you do somehting expressly against your partners wishes then you have to expect it to impact on the relationship

just like getting a mortgage/ taking out a big loan/ making an expensive purchase. If dh took out a bit loan which impacted on our finances when he knew I was against it I would be entitled to ask some searching questions about our relationship.

equally, if I was to go and get sterilised when I knew dh wanted more children, I would be doing so knowing that he was entitled to question our relationship and the value I put on his happiness. This isn't to stay he should have hte power to stop me doing this, but surely such massive decisions should be made jointly, after a lot of discussion, if we value our relationship?

Nettee · 14/09/2009 16:46

Nicky, I would be mad too if my DH did this. I don't know if the pain of not having more children ever goes away but I comfort myself by thinking that even if I had 3 or 4 I would probably still feel the same. I totally agree that he has made a unilateral irreversable decision for both of you. I hope you can move on from this though and enjoy the four of you.

I googled some vasectomy consent forms and loads of them have the wife's signature on - quite an interesting ethical issue - I can't see them turning down a really determined man because he couldn't get permission from his wife though.

MorrisZapp · 14/09/2009 16:47

Surely in this case, expecting the DH to hold off his decision/ discuss it more fully etc is code for 'change his mind' or 'fall 'accidentally' pg'. There's no question here of the OP waiting until she can cope with his decsion - she obviously hoped he either wouldn't do it at all or that she could change his mind.

My DB has a son he didn't plan - his ex went ahead and made the decision on her own. Had he known what she would 'forget' her pills, he could have course taken action and had a vasectomy.

If women want more kids than their partners then that is a shame, but I just think it's wrong to put emotional pressure on. I speak from ignorance of course, I don't have kids and don't understand why people want to have more when they have limited space/ income/ time etc already, which would be most men's objection.

warthog · 14/09/2009 16:50

i think it would have been nice to have a discussion about it. but presumably you already talked a lot about more children and he thought you understood his position.

btw, i think you can syringe sperm directly out of his balls in order to conceive another child. or this is what the doc told my brother at his vasectomy. so it's not all totally lost.

as to how you get over this, i honestly don't know the answer. throw yourself into enjoying your two that you already have.

purplepeony · 14/09/2009 16:50

Do you want him as just a sperm donor, or do you love HIM?

It seems odd that on the one hadn youwant his babies, yet on the other you are ready to trash your marriage because you can't have what you want.

Ideally, family-size should be a mutual decision, but often itisn't. I know many women who have "forgotten" to take their pill, just to have one more baby "by accident". He's done the same to you but in reverse.

I can see how you feel furious and betrayed, but you have to ask if you have a sound marriage and if this is something you can get over, once the shock and disappointment have worn off.

Fimbo · 14/09/2009 16:50

Malificence - that is my dh though, he felt fine and decided he could manage on the bus rather than get a taxi (he can be tightfisted!). I did tell him not to be so stupid but did he listen - no. He had it done on a Friday, sat with a bag of peas on his bits over the weekend and was back at work on the Monday.

Meglet · 14/09/2009 16:53

When my dp (now xp) had it done I went with him to the consultation apt, but as we were not married it wasn't essential. Other local friends have told me that most local gp's insist on married couples attending together just to make sure they are both ok with the man going ahead. AFAIK the woman doesn't have to sign anything though.

I expect the nhs are trying to cover their backsides with wanting the woman to see the gp too. I wouldn't be suprised if some men have a mad panic about not wanting more dc's (too expensive, stress, relationship problems) and would consider the snip, but within a year or two they might be in a much better postion to have one. At which point they might be going back to the gp's wanting a reversal, which isn't a guaranteed success and the nhs probably isn't that keen to spend more money on.

BitOfFun · 14/09/2009 17:00

Syringe em out of his balls, you say, Warthog?

Surely he'd notice?

warthog · 14/09/2009 19:31

depends what he's into...

idobelieveinfairies · 14/09/2009 19:39

A friends husband had a vasectomy and she had to sign the forms for it to be done. She didn't really want him to get it done at first, but talking to their GP and friends helped her come to a decision. It's all about communication .

idobelieveinfairies · 14/09/2009 19:42

I do sympathize nicky79..it is so final. It's never something that should be rushed into.

I have been sterilized and felt very sad afterwards and still i do now sometimes.

I am sure with time you will both be fine. Enjoy the children you have.

ChocHobNob · 14/09/2009 20:30

I can understand you feel the way you do OP but your DH has final say over his own body. The same way that if a woman were to fall pregnant and did not want the child, whereas the partner did ... the woman could end the pregnancy and in effect, stop her partner from having any more children with her.

It has to be equal both ways.

Asking someone to have a child they do not want is a LOT of responsibility.

I hope your feelings change a little in time and you can be happy again. x

bruces · 14/09/2009 20:51

My DH had vasectomy which we had both decided after falling pregnant for the 3rd time(unplanned)even though we talked it through and there's no way we could possibly fit/afford another one it was still a heart breaking decision,but it does get easier,if your partner is a good dad and caring to you i think you need to understand his view,just imagine if you did have another child and he felt resentful to you and the child?

honie · 15/09/2009 10:11

You cannot really compare the Mirena/coil/pill with the snip can you? All the womens ones are non permanent/ temporary and the snip is (meant to be) forever. Totally differant imo.

OP I can see where your coming from, my dh really doesn't want any more, I've come round to that now (was never desperate for more, PND twice over) and will probably be having a proceedure to remove my womb lining soon to 'cure' (hahaha) my endo. Even though neither of us wants more rugrats we have been discussing this for a few months and won,t make a full decision for ages - it's a huge thing to deal with. You had the choice taken away very abruptly with no time to adjust.

jellybeans · 15/09/2009 10:20

I am sorry that must be really hard. Yes it is his body and his choice but in this case it affects you too. I would hate it. I know a little of how it may feel as after a stillbirth I was desperate to try again and DH wanted to wait or not have any more. I was heartbroken as longed so bad for it and to have some happiness from all the pain. After a lot of talking and abit of waiting we had another and if that choice had been taken off me I would have been angry too. No idea what to suggest but it is in your childs best interests to make the best of your marriage that is possible. I can see you are angry and hopefully he will too.