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Original poster

My hubby went for a vasectomy :(

91 replies

Nicky79 · 14/09/2009 14:20

My husband recently went for a vasectomy, which I didn't want him to have. He doesn't want anymore (we have 2 kids) but I'd really like 1 or even 2 more.
One of us had to be unhappy, I don't want to force him into having more kids if he really doesn't want to, but feel a vasectomy was a little hard?
I now HATE him! I love him but really hate what he's done, I can't look at him without wanting to stab him!
Will the pain of having no more ever go away? Will I love him again? All I can think about is finding another man! I mean whats going on! I've been married 9 lovely perfect years! I've never been tempted away form my hubby, but can't help thinking about starting over!
It's doing my head in!
Please help!

OP posts:
Malificence · 14/09/2009 15:50

North Staffs NHS trust if people don't bloody believe me! We were sent the forms when we chose which doctor would do the procedure - I think it's very sensible.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 14/09/2009 15:53

How can it be a good thing? Would you want to have to get DH's permission to have a medical procedure done on yourself?

Malificence · 14/09/2009 15:55

Our GP asked to see us both and it was a condition of the consultant that we attend the initial consultation together to discuss things.
Shall I post the Doctor and clinic name if people STILL don't believe me?????

MmeLindt · 14/09/2009 15:55

Malificence
Not that I do not believe you, but I think it is not good practice. Why should you be able to withhold consent for a medical procedure that your DH wants?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 14/09/2009 15:57

I believe you, but I think it's totally unethical, outrageous and I'm quite horrified.

Malificence · 14/09/2009 15:59

You decide as a couple if you don't want any more children, so why is it wrong to get consent from that couple for sterilisation?
It would prevent occurences like the OP has had.
There's nothing to stop people lying I know but then you wouldn't be able to get it done on the NHS if you said you were single, presumably?

Original poster
Nicky79 · 14/09/2009 16:00

Thanks for your input, (I think) Your right, leaving him over this is not an option! I am being selfish, as I guess he is a little too. Only one of was was going to come out happy. But your right it is his decision, and I have suported his decisionby going with him, it is his right to choose. I was asked to sign forms(which I didn't) but it is his decision not mine. Ultimately he has also made my decision for me not to have more. I find it hard to accept its ok for him to decide not to have anymore, but with that I also can't have anymore, I didn't make his decision, but he made mine! If that makes sense?
What I was hoping for from this was some advise on how to cope with this awful feeling of wanting more.
This will be the hardest thing our marriage has had to deal with, but by getting these comments I can see that maybe I have thrown my toys out of the pram. Maybe in time it will become easier. I had no intentions of leaving tomorrow! Maybe I worded the post wrong.
Thank you ladies for your time. I will cry into my tea alone!

OP posts:
Malificence · 14/09/2009 16:03

It's a procedure of choice ( not surgical neccesity) which should be done with the agreement of both parties surely?
tbh, I'm more horrified that a person would choose to have something that affects two people done without either the knowledge or consent of their partner - now that IS outrageous.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 14/09/2009 16:05

You decide as a couple if you don't want any more children, so why is it wrong to get consent from that couple for sterilisation?

because one's fertility is a matter for a person to decide themself. Nobody has rights over another person's body and choices, whether they are married to that person or not.

And there is no reason why a single man should not be entitled to a vasectomy on the NHS. They are not there to legislate over a person's reproductive choices.

expatinscotland · 14/09/2009 16:07

Yes, please post their names. Because I'd like to report them to the GMC for professional misconduct.

Getting a Mirena coil, the pill or Depo injection is also not medically necessary and prevents a person from conceiving.

Shall we make it so that a woman's partner has to give his consent to what she does with her body regarding reproduction as well?

It is a person's inaliable human right to control their own reproduction how they see fit, regardless of the agreement of whatever party they are involved with at the time.

AnyFucker · 14/09/2009 16:07

I didn't sign anything, nor give over my "consent" for my DH's snip

I find it hard to understand why, if you had alreay discussed it, you didn't know about his actual appointment for the procedure

It isn't, as far as I know, done in a "walk-in centre"

so there must be a reason he concealed the date from you

you need to think long and hard about that

however, give it some time, you are in a bit of shock and a few months from now you will see that the outcome is the same

no more children

that can be a big thing to get your head around

SolidGoldBrass · 14/09/2009 16:08

I thik what this man has done is far, far more ethical than what a lot of men do in this situation, which is tell the wife they don't want any (more) DC but leave contraception up to her and then if she does get PG either fuck off for the territories or bully her into an abortion she doesn't want.

expatinscotland · 14/09/2009 16:09

'but then you wouldn't be able to get it done on the NHS if you said you were single, presumably?'

Of course you can!

It's a method of contraception; contraception is available to all on the NHS regardless of their gender, sexual orientation, marital status, etc.

expatinscotland · 14/09/2009 16:10

I signed nothing, I saw no one and he'll be going with a mate to the op as I have to look after our three children.

jomalone · 14/09/2009 16:11

I am with Nicky79 a bit on this one. I think she is allowed to be a little upset. As they are married then effectively by choosing to have a vasectomy, which is so final, he has left her with only two options. accept there will be no more children in this marriage, or leave. How many children should be a decision made as a couple, if one half of the couple makes a unilateral decision without allowing a bit more time for discussion and reflection then the other person in that couple is entitled to question the marriage.

If dh went and had this procedure without discussing with me then I would be thinking very hard about whether or not to stay with him. Yes its his body and his decision but it has an enormous impact on Nicky79 too.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 14/09/2009 16:13

Did you know he was going for the vasectomy?

I think you need to have a serious think about how you are going to handle this as it is quite possible he will leave you if you can't accept this is how things are and especially if he knew you were thinking of finding another man because you want more kids more than you want your marriage.

I didn't want my hubby to have the snip but I knew it was the right thing really though I will always wish I could have had more children. I want him and the kids we have. Not a new man and potentially more kids.

Seriously, grow up.

MmeLindt · 14/09/2009 16:15

Why should a single person not be able to have a vasectomy or a sterilisation?

Every individual is responisble for their own reproductive organs, and whether they want more DC.

Nicky
I think that you should perhaps start a new thread, along the lines of "My DH does not want any more DC, I do. Help me come to terms with this"

I can see that it must be extremely difficult for you to accept that you will not have any more children, especially when you had planned on having 3 or 4 DC and your DH was originally happy with that.

Did something happen to make him change his mind?

Rindercella · 14/09/2009 16:17

About 18 months ago DH went to the doctor and asked about the snip. He brought home some forms which apparently we both had to sign...yes, I was shocked. Anyway, I never got around to signing it, then we discussed it some more and decided we wanted to try for DC2. I am now pregnant again So, it would seem that at least some HAs request the wife's consent.

OP, I think you need to rationalise what has gone on. It seems you feel that your DH cut you out of the decision making and took the choice of having further children away from you. Your DH doing this, and your reaction to it (don't know if your relationship can carry on, etc.) speaks volumes about the health of your relationship and perhaps you look at what the fundamental issues are.

SlartyBartFast · 14/09/2009 16:18

i thought it joint be a joitn decision.
a couple i know had to go together to the intitial consutlation.
and it took ages.

seems bizarre.

jomalone · 14/09/2009 16:18

I agree that ultimately it is his decision, and his right to make that decision. but if you are in a couple, and some one makes a decision that impacts on you, you are entitled to be upset/ question the relationship.

if I went out tomorrow and took out an enourmous loan that would impact on our finances for a long time in the future, dh would be entitled to be upset if I hadnt discussed it with him first.

if I decided to come off the contraceptive pill tomorrow without discussing it with dh first, dh would be entitled to be upset with me.

etc etc

SlartyBartFast · 14/09/2009 16:19

bizarre that the same didnt applyy in op's case i should point out.

i would be gutted in the same situation.

would any woman here go and have a sterilisation without her partner's full agreement?

Fimbo · 14/09/2009 16:20

My dh went to our Dr and was then referred on to a special snip surgery. He went by himself and came home on the bus. He even went to collect dd from school.

Original poster
Nicky79 · 14/09/2009 16:20

I was told he wanted a vasectomy. So yes I did know after he had made the appointment. This is something we will have to work at. I'm just finding it hard to accept that he decided that WE wonn't be having more. Which I did try so hard to support him in. I agree a child has to be wanted on both parts.
I don't think I really do want a new man, I'm hoping that I'm just feeling pretty bad about the whole thing, and I will work out how we can move on having had my decision made for me.

OP posts:
Rindercella · 14/09/2009 16:22

No, I wouldn't Slarty. Something as major as that needs to be discussed, as the OP's DH should have discussed having the snip with her.

It is of course his body, etc., but I am quite surprised there hasn't been a little more sympathy for the OP on this thread.

belgo · 14/09/2009 16:23

I agree with jomalone, I understand completely why Nicky79 is upset. I would also have been upset.

But I do think that if you love your dh, then this is something you can work through and come to terms with, maybe with relationship counselling.

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