I've been following this thread for a while now and just wanted to add my tuppenceworth.
Original poster, your post could have been written by me 2 years ago. I was in a relationship with a man who I loved very much. He was very shy,(unless drunk) and I was very outgoing, confident sexually etc, and I think he was attracted to this. After the initial flush sex died away to almost nothing, and when we did have sex, it was all about him. In some areas of his life he was very under-confident, especially socially, and in others he was over confident, almost arrogant. Long story short - He'd do the secret porn watching, wanking in bed beside me thing too. I tried everything. Ignoring it, confronting it, talking to him about that and other areas of our relationship, and he made me feel stupid. I felt like I wasn't good enough for him and that my needs were disgusting and depraved. I was so lonely. It wasn't all about the sexual rejection,but rather the rejection of my needs, thoughts in general, and the basic lack of someone who considered me AT ALL. I used to sob myself to sleep at night, whilst he was up at the PC not coming to bed till the small hours. It wasn't me hassling or putting him off or making him insecure at all. It was him, the way he was. I lost all my confidence, self belief, I felt I was unshaggable and unworthy, and unattractive (I'm not and I wasn't)
Even longer story short. I eventually left. I still loved him but couldn't cope. Me walking away shocked him badly, and to all intents and purposes woke him the fuck up (his words, not mine). I am in a wonderful relationship now, with a man who adores me and we have an amazing relationship, in and out of the bedroom, and yeh we watch porn together on occasion but as part of a loving relationship, not as a sex substitute.
I have spoken to my ex since and we've talked about what happened. He told me he knew how his behaviour was affecting me but he was too selfish to care. The wanking and porn was all about him as he was too immature to deal with the needs and feelings of another person, sexual, emotional, day to day, whatever. He's much less selfish now, and even comes to me occasionally with his "i've met this girl, how do I not be a retarded emotionless fuckwit with her" dilemmas. Haha.
I just wanted to tell you that it isn't you. I think men like this can't, and don't want to deal with other people's emotions. My ex had a "repressed" childhood and a difficult relationship with his parents, and to all intents, didn't grow up until he was forced to by loosing something through his own behaviour and getting badly hurt.
I wish you luck, and send you love. There is life after relationships like these, and there doesn't have to be violence in a relationship to make them abusive. If you get nothing back from the man you love, and he's belittling your needs, it's emotional abuse. I'm living proof you can move on, and I'm so glad I had the courage to see that leaving was the only option (for me).
I know how much it hurts and how confusing it is. Don't waste your life with that sad rejected knotted feeling sitting in your chest. You are worth more than that.