Woke up to dh wanking again and don't know really how I feel :-(

[MamaAlly]

For the past few of weeks I've not been sleeping very well and keep waking around 1.30 - 2am 'ish. Each time I've done this dh is awake and flicking through the sky channels from one porn style / mens movie channel to another and lay there pleasuring himself. Tonight he was doing it again and I feel really unsettled almost quite sick about it.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm in no way opposed to porn or pleasuring yourself but it's the way in which he's doing it thats bothering me.

Over the 15+ years we've been together I've suggested watching something prn'ish / erotic together a few times but each time dh has scrunched up his nose and said he's not into it. No problem and each to their own. I have and always have had quite a high sex drive and would happily partake in sex every night of the week if dh wanted but he's got and always had a low sex drive and 2 - 4 times a month is usually all he wants. If I suggest it or try to instigate it he says I'm a nymph and tells me I put too much emphasis on sex in a relationship !!!!

Like alot of longterm relationships / marriages we've had our low points and I've always tried to put a more effort in and spice things up and add a bit of fun into the relationship. I've bought over the years a selection of various adult toys etc but he just doesn't seem interested in them. He won't under any circumstances let me cuff him to the bed or blindfold him and thinks that if I want to bring any toys into the bed it makes him feel that I'm not happy with what he has to offer. No matter how many times I've tried over and over again to reasure him that I'm very happy and just wanted to add a little bit of spice and something different we could both enjoy he's not impressed with it.

I've accepted the way he feels without any complaints and although he knows where they all are and if he ever decides he would like to try anything out I'm more than happy but I've said no more about the matter.

This is really whats pissing me off tbh, I feel like I don't know him at all, he is well aware that I enjoy to watch him touching / stroking himself and it turns me on and am more than willing to watch or get involved. All the years he's been telling me he's not into porn but I've woken up to him watching it several times now :-(

I just don't know what the hell to think. We had sex on Monday night so it's not like he's gone without for ages and I'd have been more than accommodating had he woke me up as he well knows. I was really quite upset and pissed off about it this time though and just as he climaxed I got up and went to the loo so he knew I was awake. When I came back he'd obviously cleaned it up and rolled over pretending to be asleep.

Now I'm up, going over it all in my head wondering what if anything to say to him and can't get back to fecking sleep

Quite often those who are very vocal in their disgust of homosexuality and in denial.

I think you need to decide if you want to carry on with things as they are.

He sounds like a selfish man with real intimacy issues, wanking to porn but having no appetite for sex with you isn't normal or healthy in any way. He obviously has little respect for you or your feelings, he's blaming your love of sex for his inadequacies .
Porn isn't "harmless fun" to all those women having their relationships destroyed by a partner who is a habitual user, usually denying using it at the same time.

Emotionally healthy and mature men do not favour masturbating to porn over real interaction with a loving partner, he's effectively excluding you from "his" sex life, not nice.

Fabulous and romantic holiday thank you.
Came back with a stinking cold though, damn germy kids on planes!
Helping DD pack for Uni at the moment, 10 days and counting!

he sounds scared of intimacy.

He sounds scared of anything requiring any effort, a proper job, a proper relationship. I couldn't live with a guy with no work ethic, especially one who didn't seem to fancy me. Not sure what you're getting out of this relationship.

Sorry you have been through this. I had a relationship where sex went wrong and even though I didn't want it I was upset when I woke to partner wanking for reasons that were hard to understand for myself. Had it been partner who didn't want it and I woke to him wanking to porn I'd have been really upset and hurt.

What I'm wondering about here is why you didn't ask your DP why he was wanking to porn, especially when he has told you many times that he doesn't like porn and he doesn't understand the need to masturbate. You seem scared to broach the subject with him and seem to be torturing yourself about what his reasons might be. Surely better to bring it out in the open and talk about it, you can't second guess him. Are you scared as to what you might hear?

what kind of porn was it ?

silly question, but is the TV etc in your bedrooom or is he up , downstairs at 2am- and if so, why?

When he's watching the porn is he looking at the men or the women, if you catch my drift...

Porn enhances some people's relationships. The problem here is not about porn. It's about a man who doesn't think women are human but are either service appliances and fuckholes, and has put the OP in the former category which means she's not allowed to have or express a sexual side. Now these are not ideas the you only - or often - get from porn, which is not big on emphasising the importance of women servicing men domestically. He is lazy, selfish and sexist, and he won't change. Men like this never do.

Well said SGB - the porn is a bit of a non-issue. What is disturbing is that fact that he denies the OP the sexual satisfaction she has said she needs, and not only that he makes her feel and about herself for having completely natural desires, then is happy to sit beside her selfishly pleasing himself.

This is all about controlling her and him making sure he is in charge. The more she tries, the more he witholds - that's obvious. Run.

Thankyou all for your replies, well I've had all day to think over all this and try to make sense of it all. I was very upset when I first posted and was desperately trying to cover over just how worthless it had made me feel.

Tbh, as people have said, it's not about the porn or wanking per se, it's more about the combination of the two and excluding me from it if that makes sense. I have no problem if he choses to watch porn with or without my presence or if he self satisfies while having some 'me' time in the shower/bath etc, again, no problem at all.

I'm just so upset that I'm aware that this has been going on for at least 2 weeks as I've woken to it and found him at it. Last week I awoke at least twice to find him porn channel surfing while masterbating and then again last night. How many other times I can not say for certain as I've not been awake or witnessed.

I haven't said anything earlier about it and tbh hoped it may be that his sex drive was increasing and I would soon see the benefit of that. But last night just really pissed me off, when I got up to go to the bathroom I was physically shaking but I'm not sure if that was through anger as I did actually feel quite sick about it. We've still not spoken at all today and not really sure what to say now. I think I'm afraid that if I open my mouth to say anything my whole feelings will come pouring out and my thoughts of there being another women, the past, etc etc and I just won't be able to stop and I'll end up a crying, snotting, emotional wreck iyswim and won't actually make any sense.

Purplepeony - The tv is in the bedroom, he was lay next to me in bed while it was happening.

I'm not 100% sure what channels it was, I think one of them may have been bravo? and it was some kind of porn making thing, like filming it I think, the other channels where movies 4 men I think? not sure if thats the correct name never watched them myself as tend to flick to the channels I know and watch. The porn was more like a film, he was flicking to & forth and stopping at the parts where they where actually shagging, giving oral. The sound was completely down so he was just watching and wanking along, I think it must be the motion on the mattress when he's wriggling around getting aroused that wakes me but didn't realise that before.

I still have this kind of sickly feeling in the pit of my stomach now and I'm finding it hard to even look at him atm. This as all really opened up a larger issue to me now and just don't know what the feck to do :-(

Crass comment- but get the TVout of the bedroom for a start.

I honestly don't know how you can avoid talking about it- so what if you end up crying and a snotty wreck? Maybe seeing you upset is the wake up call he needs.

If you can think about going to couple counselling it mighthelp- the issue is do you want to save your marriage- and does he? if so, try Relate and get the whole thing out in the open, and TALK TO EACH OTHER with help from a counsellor too.

avoidance will be easy for dh he's not a talker generally about anything like that. He tends to dismiss much of what I say as being silly or stupid or that I'm making it up or seeing things as I want to see them and not as they really are?

When I got upset about the discovery of the O/W years ago I was a complete mess, everything came out mumbled and made no sense at all tbh. I just seemed to open my mouth and everything just came rolling out, I'm not very good at putting things into words and getting him to actually listen to me although it all makes complete sense when I'm working out what to say in my head!

DH will be happy just to let it pass with nothing said and like nothing as happened in a few days time, thats what he's like about anything and everything that bothers me, his lazyness, lack of willingness to help around the house etc etc. And I know that any attempt to actually sit and talk things over is a waste of time and wont change anything, he's said time & time again over the years he'll try more and never does and I guess I've just got used to his ways now.

We did try counselling once but dh is not a willing participant, he doesn't think they know what those type of people are doing or talking about, he was the same with the health visitor when the dc where born. He thinks they read books and try to teach people to suck eggs and don't really have a clue!!

Having gone over it in my head and reading back what I've said I'm actually wondering what there is to save :-(

Can you and the dcs leave for a bit? Give him a taste of the fact that you actually mean what you say? TBH without this extra selfish teenager to look after you will probably feel an extreme sense of relief and never go back... He has no respect for you, has doubtless been unfaithful in the past and couldn't give a stuff about your needs - he doesn't even listen to you. What is the point of having him about - you can't even get a decent night's sleep.

Oh - and despite what you say, you seem very articulate to me. Could you just put it all in a letter to him and hand it over as you depart?

"DH will be happy just to let it pass"

..but you aren't and won't be. It makes you physically upset - and with good reason. If you don't talk about it won't you just hold it inside yourself and continue to believe that you are not worth anything more than this? Personally, reading your posts takes me back to the awful times I was woken by partner wanking - and as I said - this was after I had refused sex so I couldn't really complain - however it was a blatant symbol of all that was wrong in our relationship. Your DH next to you wanking to porn, while generally refusing sex and denigrating your sexual desires is dreadful dreadful behaviour, as is telling you that you can't shop and the other ways of relating you described - this sounds like it's the final straw and crushing what, if any, of your self esteem you have left.

"He tends to dismiss much of what I say as being silly or stupid or that I'm making it up or seeing things as I want to see them and not as they really are."

For me this is a big red flag. He should not be dismissing your concerns, opinions and so on. That is wrong.

I second the idea of putting it in a letter. Then again, you may decide making him understand is less important than moving on from the situation. Do you really think he can change, even if he understands clearly what it is that you want from him?
I'm sorry you're going through this, it doesn't sound easy. Have some unmumsnetty hugs from me.

abedelia - I can usually get things across without problem with my work / job having to deal with lots of different people but it does seem harder with dh has he constantly tries to interupt me and not allow me to get out what I need to say so it tends to just come out quickly and rambled in an effort to let it all out whenever I feel I can't take anymore. It's rare I even bother to try anymore and just do my best to let it go over my head each time things get me down.

He's very defensive and won't accept any kind of responsibility for anything and tries to turn it all back on me which makes me feel worse so I tend to keep my mouth shut to avoid it. I really don't even know if I want to discuss it now or what it will achieve? the more I think about it it just makes me feel sicker and sicker at the thought of it :-(

I do have quite low self esteem, thats really why I like to work from home most of the time. I'm fine chatting and discussing things regarding work or even general chit chat with someone on the phone or through email but get a little anxious when face to face with someone in person :-|

I do have a few aquaintances, a handful of friends, a couple of very close ones that I can tell anything to but I don't really go out. I phone, text, email, IM them the majority of the time.

ATM, I'm honestly feeling like I want out but just don't know how to go about it. I don't have anyone I an stay with not with the dc anyway (4 of them) although eldest would probably want to stay here with all her friends nearby. I feel so crappy and can bearly stand to look at him. He's just come down to get the phone and gone into the kitchen. He's been upstairs watching tv since he came in this afternoon so I'm sure he knows I'm aware of last nights events :-(

Vicky - no, I really don't think he will ever change, thats just the way he is and I've got used to that now (or so I thought) before last night nothing was perfect but I generally was happy with my lot and just got on with things without much question but now I just don't feel I can do that anymore :-(

What you said is just what I was thinking, I really don't think making him understand now is that important to me and don't think even if he did it would actually change anything longterm

If you can manage it, go to counsellng by yourself. it should help, just to hear yourself talk this through with a stranger.

Lots of men use avoidance techniques when it comes to emotions, but it is a kind of manipulation/control.

And it takes 2 to allow it to carry on.

Maybe you should move out of the bed into another rooom, or ask him to, or at least get rid of the TV? He might still wank but at least you would be making it clear that you are not happy.

None of his behaviour is loving- and you have to ask if you really want to be with someone who seems to have so little regard for you and how you feel. Over time, it will just make you feel crap and screw your head up.

Maybe you could list the reasons why the marriage is worth saving- and then why it isn't?

But even if you aren't good with words, it doesn't take much to say "I am not happy with you watching porn and wanking in bed alongside me..we need to t lk all this over."

Sorry to hear that you feel so trapped. Does your DH encourage you to see your friends or do you feel that plays a part in you staying isolated?

Does he generally blame others when things go wrong (such as colleagues at work)?

Have you had a look at the threads on people dealing with narcissistic partners? Some of it might be helpful.

TBH, he can wank all he wants now, I'll be sleeping on the sofa in the living room from now on. I can't bare the thought of being woken by that again.

He's not very loving generally but he says thats because thats how he was brought up. He says that everyone knew they where loved and didn't need to be told or anyone do anything special to show it. I was brought up in a totally different enviroment where I felt unloved by my mum. My mum and dad seperated when I was very young and my mum being a young mum herself went out alot and had lots of different boyfriends which all came ahead of me.

I spent years having counselling in my late teens / early 20's to come to terms with that and accepted her for the way she was and we get on fine now. I no longer feel the need to vie for her love or attention and just accept that she did the best she knew how to.

The only two reasons I can come up with to save the marriage is the dc and I don't want to feel like I've failed. I honestly can't think of any other reason :-(

If you are the one who works and you will look after the kids then you could ask him to leave. If he won't go it's then going to family law solicitors etc. I'd try talking to him first though and tell him you aren't happy with your marriage.