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Original poster

Woke up to dh wanking again and don't know really how I feel :-(

113 replies

MamaAlly · 09/09/2009 05:56

For the past few of weeks I've not been sleeping very well and keep waking around 1.30 - 2am 'ish. Each time I've done this dh is awake and flicking through the sky channels from one porn style / mens movie channel to another and lay there pleasuring himself. Tonight he was doing it again and I feel really unsettled almost quite sick about it.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm in no way opposed to porn or pleasuring yourself but it's the way in which he's doing it thats bothering me.

Over the 15+ years we've been together I've suggested watching something prn'ish / erotic together a few times but each time dh has scrunched up his nose and said he's not into it. No problem and each to their own. I have and always have had quite a high sex drive and would happily partake in sex every night of the week if dh wanted but he's got and always had a low sex drive and 2 - 4 times a month is usually all he wants. If I suggest it or try to instigate it he says I'm a nymph and tells me I put too much emphasis on sex in a relationship !!!!

Like alot of longterm relationships / marriages we've had our low points and I've always tried to put a more effort in and spice things up and add a bit of fun into the relationship. I've bought over the years a selection of various adult toys etc but he just doesn't seem interested in them. He won't under any circumstances let me cuff him to the bed or blindfold him and thinks that if I want to bring any toys into the bed it makes him feel that I'm not happy with what he has to offer. No matter how many times I've tried over and over again to reasure him that I'm very happy and just wanted to add a little bit of spice and something different we could both enjoy he's not impressed with it.

I've accepted the way he feels without any complaints and although he knows where they all are and if he ever decides he would like to try anything out I'm more than happy but I've said no more about the matter.

This is really whats pissing me off tbh, I feel like I don't know him at all, he is well aware that I enjoy to watch him touching / stroking himself and it turns me on and am more than willing to watch or get involved. All the years he's been telling me he's not into porn but I've woken up to him watching it several times now :-(

I just don't know what the hell to think. We had sex on Monday night so it's not like he's gone without for ages and I'd have been more than accommodating had he woke me up as he well knows. I was really quite upset and pissed off about it this time though and just as he climaxed I got up and went to the loo so he knew I was awake. When I came back he'd obviously cleaned it up and rolled over pretending to be asleep.

Now I'm up, going over it all in my head wondering what if anything to say to him and can't get back to fecking sleep

OP posts:
RealityIsNOTDetoxing · 09/09/2009 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GypsyMoth · 09/09/2009 11:03

op....you say it upsets you that he's doing this 'secretly',but he isn't is he? its in the same bed/room and no secret!1 maybe he is trying to initiate a conversation? waiting for you to say something/notice perhaps?

if it were in secret,he'd take himself downstairs and be more careful

LittleWhiteWolf · 09/09/2009 11:03

It doesnt sound right to me. Firstly I would remove sky from the bedroom. Statiscally couples who have a tv in their room have much less sex than those who dont, and in your case it merely enables him to have it off with himself, which is upsetting you. Maybe if he has to go and buy mags it might discourage him!
Secondly, you mention he isnt responsive to your suggestions of having an early night. Why dont you start from scratch with him: the two of you go out on a date, have a meal, see a film, even just go out for a drink. Then let the night progress, gently directing it into the bedroom as a natural end to the evening.

If everything fails and talking doesnt help, you need to address your relationship to see if he's unhappy, I guess.

Original poster
MamaAlly · 09/09/2009 11:06

I'm the same Rebecca, spend ages when I used to go, I could spend 10 mins just looking which marg was the best value for money and don't even get me started on fat content lol. I'd take around 2 hours when I went but I'd be looking on all the sale rails to for kids clothes which can take up extra time. I'd hardly known he'd gone before he was back at first but now I've noticed I'm actually looking at the clock now thinking 'hell he's been ages whats he buying' lol

OP posts:
sorky · 09/09/2009 11:07

So he controls the finances which you bring in, he controls the sex, he does as he pleases when he pleases including pleasing himself

I'm sorry but the more you write the more of a Loser he appears to be. This is not a balanced or healthy relationship from the sounds of it.

There's a link on MN to an article on men to avoid, I'll see if I can find it, it makes very interesting reading.

Original poster
MamaAlly · 09/09/2009 11:11

R.I.N.D - he as asked for bum sex on occassion but I don't think he's gay lol. Although I guess no-one can be 100% sure but if theres ever been anything on tv showing gay sex he makes out the very idea of it disgusts him?

OP posts:
sorky · 09/09/2009 11:11

here

there's a thread in this topic further down entitled "the shit list" where this was linked to.

victoriascrumptious · 09/09/2009 11:11

You could follow him to the supermarket. At least that would put your mind at rest on one level.

RealityIsNOTDetoxing · 09/09/2009 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
MamaAlly · 09/09/2009 11:15

I've not looked at it like that sorky but I see where you're coming from. I guess I don't see it as controlling as such, more taking charge. Since he's not the main breadwinner I just figured it made him feel as if he had a purpose if that makes sense and I've never challenged it as I don't want him to think he's unimportant or doesn't have a role.

OP posts:
sorky · 09/09/2009 11:18

If he wants a purpose he should get a job, paid or voluntary.

Does he claim JSA?

Original poster
MamaAlly · 09/09/2009 11:21

We'd never had a tv in the bedroom untill I'd been in hospital for an op. DH suggested having an extra box added and put in the bedroom for me cos I was having to rest in bed most of the time and I get so frustrated when I'm ill and get upset that things need doing and I can't do them. He said it might help take my mind off things if I could at least a bit of tv in bed.

It only really goes on now if the dc & I are watching a movie and he wants to watch a match or I decide to go and get in bed and watch a movie / bones or something similar that he's not interested in. I didn't even know we had the channels he's been veiwing !!

OP posts:
Original poster
MamaAlly · 09/09/2009 11:24

No he doesn't claim benefits at all sorky, I claim child & working tax credit. I don't think he's be entitled to anything because he works for his brother / friend occassionally and I don't want to get into any trouble for claiming and not declaring something. I'd be a bloody nervous wreck lol

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 09/09/2009 11:28

Fuckinghell, who did what to your self esteem that you are willing to settle for this? Here is a man with a major madonna/whore complex who doesn't actually like women at all. So he does a number on your sexuality and makes you feel that everything you would like is dirty, disgusting and inappropriate, he isn't remotely interested in your sexual pleasure, only his own. Now he has you cooped up in the house (like a pigeon!), short of money, while he farts around doing odd jobs for cash in hand here and there, and he has managed to make you scared of the outside world as well.
He's a shitbag and this relationship is not worth working on, you need to start plotting your way out of it right now.

Kally · 09/09/2009 11:34

Oh Solid exactly what I was thinking only in a more 'delicate way'...

cheerfulvicky · 09/09/2009 11:41

OP, here is a pdf about aspergers in relatonships that I found helpful.
Is my DP bothered about routine in general? No, not all the time. When it comes to things that affect him, or things where he has been doing stuff a certain way for years, then challenging that can be a nightmare. He just gets very anxious, agitated and fusses around like a hen In other ways he can be maddeningly unstructured to the point of never getting anything done, never completing projects. Yet he'll eat cheese sandwiches every day for lunch for 30 years, and ain't nobody going to persuade him to try changing. "I like cheese, what's wrong with that?" It's a paradox. Anyway, sorry, getting off topic

No idea if your bloke is anything like the leaflet above. he could have aspergers, he could be just a typical bloke who feels insecure about his bits, he could have a bit on the side, he could have a porn addiction, he could be a controlling nutcase. You'll get lots of opinions on here pointing to all of the above and more! I just hope you find some answers that help you. Sounds like the situation can't go on as it is, anyway. Take care.
x

Original poster
MamaAlly · 09/09/2009 11:51

Thankyou for taking the time to find that link sorky, I'm typing now through snot and tears becausr a lot of whats written there as struck a chord. Theres bit's of him in much of whats described as a loser and can't beleive i've not seen any of this. I've spent so long trying to make him happy that I didn't realise how unhappy it was making me :-(

He does albiet very rarely say he loves me, but it's more induced than spontanious, usually when I ask him if he still loves me. But his actions constanstly show me he doesn't, or at least doesn't care about my feelings. I was pissed off about him wanking and wondering what was wrong with me, then wondered if there was another woman because we have sex infrequently he obviously ejectulates very quickly so it never lasts long after penetration and was worried that the wanking was to prolong it with someone else. Now I'm starting to wonder just what the feck to do about it all now I've realised just how really upset and crappy I feel now

OP posts:
sorky · 09/09/2009 12:00

I'm sorry for you MA, I really am
you've been hoodwinked for sure.

He doesn't have ASD ffs, he's a Wanker!

I knew SGB would comment eventually, she is bloody good at these things.

You have the upper hand, seen the light so to speak. Start thinking about whether you want out & planning whilst he has no clue.
He will beg for you to stay, but stay firm if you want out, letting him try to make things better imho will only increase the hold over you.
There are better men out there I guarantee it & a helluva lot of 'em love sex.

GypsyMoth · 09/09/2009 12:05

aspergers??

why the need to 'label' every problem that occurs? 'depression' is the usual one,but how about he is what he is? how common is aspergers anyway?

Original poster
MamaAlly · 09/09/2009 12:10

Thanks sorky, going to go and make a cuppa and have a good think, try to get my head around all this and try to work out where I go from here.

I never said anything earlier because I didn't want anyone to judge straightaway but dh has had a female 'friend' in the past that he kept secret from me, quite a few years ago. He always swore to me it was never about sex or that he fancied her in any way shape or form but she was just good to talk to and listened and had the same interests as him. I beleived him 99.9% because of his low sex drive I just couldn't imagine why he would need to look for that elsewhere.

I did say at the time that I was leaving because I was destraught and felt he'd betrayed my trust and he begged me not to leave said he would stop seeing here and I asked him to leave for a few days while I thought it all over. We decided to make things work and put it behind us and I've never mentioned the subject since but I did find out that while he was staying at his brothers for a few nights and telling me it was all over and it was me he wanted he was still texting her and went to meet with her again.

OP posts:
sorky · 09/09/2009 12:11

Oh fuck MA that should be , so sorry. I'm on my phone, my apologies

dittany · 09/09/2009 12:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GypsyMoth · 09/09/2009 12:25

a femal friend who shares his interests.....what,pigeons and porn??

dropinthe · 09/09/2009 12:27

S G B-she needs to start plotting her way out now???

Is that a positive, helpful thing to say?

(M.A-Have been quietly watching this thread and didn't want to label/phsycho-analyze your partner as anything-some of these MNs comments are outrageous. Take things back into context before you make any decisions. Good Luck and kind wishes!)

cheerfulvicky · 09/09/2009 12:33

It's possible to have aspergers and ALSO be a wanker
I'm not saying he has AS just mentioned it because the OP asked more about this.

Love, I hope you get things sorted out. It sounds like a really distressing time for you