Woke up to dh wanking again and don't know really how I feel :-(

[MamaAlly]

For the past few of weeks I've not been sleeping very well and keep waking around 1.30 - 2am 'ish. Each time I've done this dh is awake and flicking through the sky channels from one porn style / mens movie channel to another and lay there pleasuring himself. Tonight he was doing it again and I feel really unsettled almost quite sick about it.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm in no way opposed to porn or pleasuring yourself but it's the way in which he's doing it thats bothering me.

Over the 15+ years we've been together I've suggested watching something prn'ish / erotic together a few times but each time dh has scrunched up his nose and said he's not into it. No problem and each to their own. I have and always have had quite a high sex drive and would happily partake in sex every night of the week if dh wanted but he's got and always had a low sex drive and 2 - 4 times a month is usually all he wants. If I suggest it or try to instigate it he says I'm a nymph and tells me I put too much emphasis on sex in a relationship !!!!

Like alot of longterm relationships / marriages we've had our low points and I've always tried to put a more effort in and spice things up and add a bit of fun into the relationship. I've bought over the years a selection of various adult toys etc but he just doesn't seem interested in them. He won't under any circumstances let me cuff him to the bed or blindfold him and thinks that if I want to bring any toys into the bed it makes him feel that I'm not happy with what he has to offer. No matter how many times I've tried over and over again to reasure him that I'm very happy and just wanted to add a little bit of spice and something different we could both enjoy he's not impressed with it.

I've accepted the way he feels without any complaints and although he knows where they all are and if he ever decides he would like to try anything out I'm more than happy but I've said no more about the matter.

This is really whats pissing me off tbh, I feel like I don't know him at all, he is well aware that I enjoy to watch him touching / stroking himself and it turns me on and am more than willing to watch or get involved. All the years he's been telling me he's not into porn but I've woken up to him watching it several times now :-(

I just don't know what the hell to think. We had sex on Monday night so it's not like he's gone without for ages and I'd have been more than accommodating had he woke me up as he well knows. I was really quite upset and pissed off about it this time though and just as he climaxed I got up and went to the loo so he knew I was awake. When I came back he'd obviously cleaned it up and rolled over pretending to be asleep.

Now I'm up, going over it all in my head wondering what if anything to say to him and can't get back to fecking sleep

So basically he is saying to you 'You are just here to cook and clean and bring up the children (and, by the sound of it, bring in the money). Your feelings are totally irrelevant, you're just a woman, this is all you deserve, get on with it.'
You haven't failed. I can imagine that at some point before you met him someone planted the idea in your head that women are not as important as men and that you shouldn't expect too much, but he has spent the past few years deliberately reinforcing that, because he is an inadequate loser who needs to feel that he's 'better' than someone else, despite not being able to hold down a job or maintain any friendships.

SGB - I was previously in a very controlling and violent relationship in the past, I put up with it for almost 4 years and got the strength to leave when my ex took a knife to my throat and threatened to kill me and then kill himself. I don't really think at the time I actually beleived he would but it shook me up enough to walk away and never look back. I think not having dc made the parting easier I could just walk and it was just me to consider.

It took me a long time to get over that and learn to trust again and when dh came along he was so sweet and loving it was like something I'd never known. I was still wary that he might change and the early months where a little rocky till I felt confident enough to give all of me and drop the wall I'd built around myself. He has changed a great deal over the years but I just assumed that was normal and that it's not always going to be a bed of roses. I just don't think I realised how much he'd changed.

He's not a very social person but does have a few friends through his hobby, but he doesn't contact them although he will happily chat on the phone to them for ages if they call him up. He won't even talk to anyone but his dad on the phone in the room I'm in he goes out the room and says it's cos it's quieter even if theres only me here?

Oh love. Unfortunately it's so common for people to come out of obviously shitty relationships with violent/addicted to drugs/severely mentally ill partners and then find themselves in relationships with other losers who, well, don't hit them. Or steal from them, or drink or take too many drugs - but these rebound partners are often STILL HORRIBLE. Nice partners do not isolate you, belittle you, make you feel lousy about your sexuality.

have you posted about him before... your relationship sounds very familiar.

from what you've said so far it sounds soul destroying.

it sounds like he's banking on you feeling too scared to confront him about his behaviour. i'm hoping you find the strength to stand up to him and cut through all his obvious defensive bullshit.

surprise the bugger with some new found strength. that'll take the wind out of his sails.

'how fucking dare you wank to porn next to me..............' might be an apt opener.

I hope you got some peace last night.

Goodmorning all and thankyou again to everyone for their replies, it really has been a breathe of fresh air just being able to unbottle all this and speak openly.

I had a great nights sleep last night, well great for me. I finally lay down and drifted off sometime after 2.30am. He didn't even wake me up this morning and kept the dc out of the living room getting them ready for school. Well, I'm assuming he did because I didn't hear a dicky bird!!. I woke at 8.30am just as they where about to leave so managed to tell them all to have a good day at school & kiss them goodbye.

He came back from dropping them off, went straight to the bathroom, came down mumbled something about going out and went off, so no real idea where he's gone but really don't care atm.

I went on a 12 week counselling course a few years ago to help me understand a bit more about things when my eldest was going through a rough time and giving us hell. I think I just needed to try to find new ways of dealing & coping with it and learning new strategies on how to try to talk to her and hopefully see things from others points of view a little more and it was a great help to me personally at helped me to build my strength and confidence more. I did want to continue and do the next course and eventually go for a degree but it was very expensive and dh was concerned about how we would cope financially while I was training so I didn't persue it. It's always been a bit like that tbh, when I had my 3rd child I decided I'd like to train to become a midwife and again dh was concerned with money so I gave that idea up too. I guess I'm just to weak willed now, whereas when we first met I was more fiesty and would have no problem standing up for what I wanted but I think previous relationships had made me a bit like that ontop of my real character. I do feel like I've just accepted things and let things happen for an easy life over the years with dh.

I do feel alot stronger today than I have for a long time for some reason and really do believe that I need to leave this relationship if I want to be happy. I feel like I'm just existing and not living if that makes sense? I'm really not sure I'd ever feel confident or comfortable with another man in my life but that doesn't bother me and I'm more than happy to remain single if that's what happens. I just can't bare to think of being like this for the next 20 - 30 yrs (I'm 43 btw, dont think I've mentioned previously) I need more in my life than this. I love my dc with every inch of my heart & soul but they will eventually all leave home and then there would just be me & him :-(

Good for you! Well, 43 is a good age - no biological clock bothering you as you have been there and done that.

If I were you I would take this as a cue to move on and do some things for yourself (and your kids) for a change, without some miserable git putting the dampers on everything you want to do because of how this might impact on his ability to sustain a workshy lifestyle. Seriously, look into tax credits, get his name taken off any joint account so he can't nick YOUR money and then lay down the law - if he can't or isn't willing to change then you will be seriously free of this millstone of a man. Good luck.

I started off reading this topic and wanting to tell you find out what gets him going, dressing up or something (never fails to get me fired up!) - because it sounds like the middle-of-the-night wanking is him perhaps trying to stimulate himself and that he may be struggling to get aroused.

But reading through this thread in its entirity, it sounds like the bloke is a no-hoper.

One thing that really annoys me about other blokes is that they just don't make an effort in relationships. I resent my dad for being such a hopeless dick in his marriage to my mum. He is now a bitter, single man now and honestly can't see that HE is to blame for the divorce to blame for being a shit husband. 10 years have passed and every single conversation we ever have is him droning on about what a bitch she was for leaving him - yet he never tried to change his selfish/drinking ways.

I don't think there's any excuse for not trying to change (ie. show you more love, pay you compliments, make an effort to be passionate with you, take you on dates again, etc)

I say give him an ultimatum. Don't beat around the bush, let it all out. Make sure he realises that you will leave him unless he bucks his ideas up.

You don't want to be with him, so don't mess about hoping he will change because they won't. But you should give him a chance.

Write down everything you want to change and all the things that bother you and tell him.

I can't believe you never pursued the courses you were interested in because 'he' was concerned about the finances! More concerned he would have to get a job more like!
He's got you right where he wants you, tied to the house.

Thankyou so much for your post 2010Dad, it's so nice to get a man's perspective on all this. I'm assuming you're a man due to your user name, my sincere apologies if your not :-|

My dh is or rather was into me dressing up too, I have a selection of sexy lingerie etc and even a pair of thigh high boots lmao in the bottom of the wardrobe somewhere. I was and probably still would be but for all whats happened happy to dress up if ever he suggested. I've even tried to get a little more action in the past by putting on something a little sexy but not over the top on other occassions and trying to set the mood a little thinking that just a little bit of encouragement may work wonders but he just doesn't seem to notice, gets into bed, rolls over and goes to sleep :-( That really hurts and makes me feel upset so I stopped doing that because I felt so rejected.

I think I could possibly strip & dance naked in front of him and he wouldn't notice if he wasn't in the mood. I honestly think I would have been happy to accept this and more than likely continue as things where for the foreseeable future. He genuinely doesn't see that there is any problems in our marriage and is happy with the way things are so doesn't feel there is anything about him that needs to change.

He's never really been one to make any extra effort since the early days of our relationship. Even after the O/W situation and we had a long chat, or rather I did most of the chatting and he just nodded or shook his head at me, he didn't do anything to change his ways although he did promise to make an effort to make me feel that I could trust him again.

I don't trust him but I've not let that bother me as I thought to myself even when I trusted him with every inch of my heart he still betrayed me so trusting him or not would not really make a difference to whether he did it again or not, if that makes sense?

If I really thought that talking to him or getting him to listen & understand my feelings would make a difference I might have tried it but I think I know in my heart he'll never change and I'm really not sure if too much damage has been done now and I've just been trying to ignore it or not admit to it for years. I don't think he's ever believed I'd leave and he's probably right until now but I just feel so differently now for some reason? I'm gutted it's come to this and really did think that we would be together forever. I didn't go into marriage thinking I'd ever not be with him and thats a hard thing to take on board right now even after everything thats happened :-(

you're right lilacclaire, he does have me where he wants me, he says I'm great company and to be around and likes me to be with him or at least around him as much as possible. It did bother me for a little while that I hadn't persued the careers I wanted but I'm happy with my job now and can't look back and think 'I wish' because I feel that's now been & gone

MamaAlly, we thought you should see this thread to give you a breather and something to laugh at

Has he been looking after the kids whilst you were working and being a house husband? I'm trying to see some good points in this bloke. Him getting the kids off to school sounds as though he's not totally hopeless. My brother is a house husband and although he doesn't bring money in does do all the kid stuff during the day, most of the cooking, all the gardening and house improvements. Is your bloke like this?
Suspect my SIL will have him out to work when the kids start school though.

OMG!! thanks BitofFun, I'm crying with laughter now, although I did choke on my cuppa at one of the links posted by someguy. Oral with teddy!!!

hi Rebecca,

I can't really say he's a house husband as I work from home anyway so do what I can around the house between my paid job iyswim. He did used to get the dc up and ready and out to school etc when I went out to work but he started to constantly complain about it being hard work getting them up and out and they kept being late for school so I had to change my hours to go in a bit later so I could help in the mornings before work.

I know getting 4 dc up & ready is not easy when one needs the loo just as you're leaving or someone's forgot their pe kit/homework etc but it got me down with him keep moaning about it so in the end I asked if it was possible to work from home and my employer was very understanding and it's really not a problem where I work from tbh.

I used to take the dc to & from school but dh would ring me to see where I was because I'd get chatting to other mums and be late back lol. In the end he said he'd take them so I could get cracking on work in the morning earlier.

MamaAlly, I am male - yes!

I think the most important thing you need to do is be more vocal about your feelings. In most of your posts you talk about how he makes you feel rejected/unhappy/upset, but you don't seem to tell him how you're feeling.

You shouldn't really need to, but he doesn't sound very sensitive at all - so it's important you tell him how you are feeling to have any hope of getting anywhere in this relationship.

It doesn't sound like there is much worth saving in this bloke though. Think about moving on if he doesn't start making you happy and consider your feelings. Everyone deserves to feel loved, desired and cherished.

loved, desired and cherished, hell I can't remember what that feels like anymore. Infact I'm not honestly sure I've ever felt desired and cherished :-| how sad is that!!

I really have tried to tell him so many times I've lost count but whenever I try he just says things like 'oh give over' or 'don't talk rubbish'. He has said to me in the past that he doesn't do things purposely to hurt or upset me but he thinks most if not all of my feelings are down to me and thinks I have some wild idea of fantasy life that really doesn't exist and my expectations are too high. I guess I just stopped bothering trying to tell him in the end as it felt like a waste of time and too much effort for nothing and thought 'sod it, just get on with it'

Well you aren't living in a fantasy land and your expectations aren't too high.

Ultimatum time!

So what does he do?
Agree with 2010dad, your expectations are far too low, you sound really downtrodden.

Oh shit this just gets worse and worse. He is deliberately isolating you from people who might actually point out that he is not entitled to treat you like this, that you are not his domestic servant. Honestly, get onto Women's Aid as soon as possible and get shot of this loser.

He doesn't really work as such lilacclaire, odd days here and there for family / friend thats all. I guess I didn't really mind too much at first as it was easier having him around too when dc where younger so I'm as much to blame as he is for not working. Although, now I could cope a lot easier now they're older and he could easily get a full time job but he doesn't want it to affect our tax credits as we know atm how much is coming in etc etc.

Things have been getting tighter recently with increases in fuel / food cost etc but even though I've said numerous times we're struggling alittle now and could really do with thinking about ways to bring more money in to help he's not phased by it and still makes no effort to get a job or even look for one.

He does talk consistently about doing things to make money, i.e. buying things in cheaply and selling on at a profit, he's gone from talking about buying cars at auction, hatching eggs, wholesale pet food to name a few. He makes all the calls to to enquire about prices etc and sits working things out for weeks on end but then thats as far as it goes. I do my best to encourage him but I'm realistic and explain that the cash outlay for the things he talks about just isn't there and we need to address that first but he treats me like I'm simple and can't do basic maths and he knows better than me :-|

many years ago he decided he wanted to start his own business and we had some extra cash so he gave up his job and we spent alot of money buying all the stuff he'd need, paid for ad's in local papers / yellow pages / thompson local. I made flyers and posted them through doors, pinned up in supermarkets etc and the jobs came rolling in. Sadly it didn't last and he got bored and picky about the jobs he wanted to do and started to let people down and it went downhill till he eventually stopped bothering at all. I was really pissed off about it at the time but thats basically what he's like. He really does need a push to do anything and gets easily bored with stuff and I guess at some point I just stopped pushing and left him to his own devices.

what a fucking baby.

time he got a reality check.

SGB - tbh all this has made me start thinking about lots of things that have troubled me over the years that I've tried to ignore and work through. But I've remembered a time where he did have a major hand in me & a friend falling out. I met her when I was in labour in hospital and we gave birth a few hours apart and each had a son. She was rushed down to theatre moments before I could be seen and after the births we where put together in the same room and where together for the next few days as we'd both had to have emergancy sections.

We became good friends and remained so for a couple of years but she wasn't behind the door or slow at coming forward and could obviously see things that I was willing to hide or ignore and would tell me I deserved better and didn't really have much time for dh and I think he could tell and hated her. He would constantly put her down / slag her off behind her back and tell me she was a trouble causer. Like a fool I guess I sided with dh and we saw less and less of each other till eventually we stopped all contact. I think I had my niggles looking back but didn't act on anything but now I can see what was happening and why he didn't like her. She was a strong and elequent woman and wouldn't have taken shit from anyone and I think she scared him.

It's strange but I actually feel much better just thinking about it all in a new light and deciding enough's enough. I can't believe I've put up with everything all this time and not had the balls to walk before now.

I've rung women's aid today and left a message on their answer phone. There was an emergency number for anyone needing immediate help but I didn't feel ringing that was appropriate as there will be more deserving cases than me. I've spoken to the housing dept but they really wern't much help tbh. They told me I'm on record and just to keep applying each week for anything suitable and if I meet their criteria I will be offered something but it could take years even though I've been registered since 2005 with them :-(

I suppose I just want to get things moving now I've had this lightbulb moment and feel a bit frustrated that I still might have to put up with it for a while yet

Good for you mama. It takes real courage to make the moves that will get you out of this situation and you know you can gets lots of advice and support on here. So many women have been where you are now so you can take heart that things can work out better for you without this man.

I was going to also say that your DH doesn't really care much about getting proper, regular work because you are the one who seems to be taking everything on your shoulders. Why should he worry about the practicalities of everyday life, finances, work - when you are there doing it for him - all he basically has to do is wake up everyday. His family life is there for him and he can pick and choose if and when he fancies participating, which is so unfair on you.

I really wish you all the strength you need to leave this man and to find yourself a nice and settled future. I think you will come out of this a much stronger person and you will see that there is so much more to be had from life.

Wishing you lots and lots of luck