Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being a housewife

28 replies

esc8 · 03/09/2009 13:19

Hello there
Is there anyone else like me?
Of all my mum friends I dont know anyone else who is at home with kids kind of through choice.
I didnt earn enough money to pay for nursery and then have any income at the end of the month. My husband earns an ok wage but he is no high flyer. We get by, and just dont spend on things we dont need...
Anyway, I am finding it quite hard that people are quite dismissive and dont get why i am not working.
Is it so wierd that I choose this? should I be busting a gut to run kids to school, nursery etc? I do need time-off which is hard to negotiate. But why am I feeling like an outcast?

OP posts:
SecretSlattern · 03/09/2009 13:21

Each to their own. Don't be upset by what others choose to do or their reactions to your choice. Your family, your choice. You do not have to justify yourself to others.

TheDMshouldbeRivened · 03/09/2009 13:21

me. Been at home 18 years now.
Never felt like an outcast though.

GypsyMoth · 03/09/2009 13:24

like an outcast to whom though??

are those who wear themselves out with work,work,work,any better?

HappyWoman · 03/09/2009 13:26

loads of us around here too. no outcasts though. I do work part-time but not for the money as we survived a long time without it.

I suppose i would not like it if someone whinged on about not having enough if they 'choose' to stay at home and expect others to support them.

But all the ones who are full time mums keep very busy doing other things to contirbute to the family anyway

PlumpRumpSoggyBaps · 03/09/2009 13:28

Me too. I'm lucky, DH earns a good wage, so it's an easy choice, I suppose.

Plus I've never had a career that I'd love to get back to, or that earned decent money, only a succession of 'desperation' jobs designed to bring in cash as fast as possible when xh walked out of a job.

I suppose, in the future, when ds2 is old enough, I'll have to train to do something. I just don't know what. I like running a house.

Mousey84 · 03/09/2009 13:28

I would love to be a SAHM. I made a compromise and now childmind so I can be here with DD and earn enough money to keep bills paid. If I had the opportunity to be a SAHM(with exception of being on benefits) I would jump at it.

If you are feeling down, write a pro / con list and it will help you feel more confident with your decision, plus, you will be able to rhyme off all the great benefits there is to being there for your kids should anyone try to put you down.

TheDMshouldbeRivened · 03/09/2009 13:31

I wouldn't mind going back to work myself after 18 years but its not really possible. DH earns a very low wage and we struggle but dd needs us at home.
But apart from MN I don't think I've ever come across anyone who might treat a SAH as an 'outcast'.

mariemarie · 03/09/2009 13:33

I understand where your coming from. Ive been a SAHM for 7 years now, but its nobody elses business but yours.

I used to get fed up with people asking if I was going to return to work. It wasnt really feasable for me to return and would have meant relying terribly on my parents who dont drive.

It doesnt suit everyone, and everyones circumstances are different. Given the chance though I would love to work part-time, just for a bit of sanity really.

Also, could it be that your other mum friends are secretly a little bit envious that you can afford not to work. Maybe they would love to spend more time with their children but are unable to.

moomaa · 03/09/2009 13:47

I like being a SAHM. There are lots of us around, if you start hanging out with them then they won't be dismissive!

I really recommend helping to run a playgroup or joining the local community association or some other volunteering to feel part of the not at work community.

p.s I don't generally find people dismissive of being a SAHM. I find some envious and some who say 'well done, it would drive me mad' and some who say 'you're doing the right thing' (normally older blokes) but none so far dismissive.

PlumpRumpSoggyBaps · 03/09/2009 13:54

Actually the ones I found to be the most dismissive were the women who were pregnant, still working. Lots of 'Oh I won't be staying at home, I love my job, I'll definitely be returning to work.'

Interestingly very few of them did.

I have felt a little bit out of it on occasion- usually at a dinner out or wedding or something when there'd be lots of 'job talk' and a strange silence when asked what I do, but I don't care, tbh.

lilacclaire · 03/09/2009 13:59

I work one day a week and love staying at home.
DP doesn't earn that much and we need to be careful as well, but it suits us and the kids for me to run the house.

EyeballsintheSky · 03/09/2009 14:10

I work three days but only because I have just enough over at the end of the month to make a difference to us. I wish I didn't have to, I'd love to stay at home full time. Maybe the ones who are making you feel like this are jealous?

wheniwishuponastar · 03/09/2009 14:17

i would quite like to be a stay at home mum. I can't believe people are so rude about other people's choices. it really makes me angry!
i have taken an easier job than i did before and find people are pretty rude. its quite surprising how unsupportive people can be. so you aren't the only one getting a bad reaction!! (even if to something different)
some people say if i take offence then i must not be happy with it. not quite sure what i make of that. i think its still no excuse for people not being very nice. obviously the main thing is to do what i (or you) think is the best decision.
when someone is rude, what about challenging them in some way?
i think i might start doing this in future.

Original poster
esc8 · 03/09/2009 14:30

thank you all so much!
I feel very reassured! I am just need to stand up for myself a bit more and have pride in my role!
Outcast was a bit strong, I'm just feeling a bit different from my friends..
YOu have definatley made me smile!!
xx

OP posts:
dippymummyto2boys · 03/09/2009 14:44

I would love to be a stay at home mum. Maybe they are a bit jealous - I know I am. I will be full time again from next week and i'm just dreading it tbh.

waitingforbedtime · 03/09/2009 14:47

I am a SAHM too. Through choice, but not because we-re rolling in it if you see what I mean?!

Dont think anyone looks down on me because of it. Having said that, none of my friends from uni have kids and do get the impression they pity my life a wee bit but Im happy so I dont really care tbh!

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 03/09/2009 14:50

I stay at home with the boys, it took ME a while to feel like this was ok. I needed to gain in confidence about how our choices. Financially we are ok with me staying at home, so it is a no brainer.

Your own confidence will shine through and it is noones business but your own.

Lemonylemon · 03/09/2009 14:58

I would LOVE to be a SAHM. I treasure my time with my babies (2 & 12) - but I'm a widow and don't have any choice.

Don't feel an outcast, esc8, it's your life, your choice and one that you've been lucky to be able to make

yomellamoHelly · 03/09/2009 15:12

I'm a SAHM. Never thought I would be. When ds1 arrived though I couldn't find anywhere/anyone who would look after him to the point where I'd have felt happy to leave him. Finances didn't come into the thought process and we had a few very rough years. I'm quite proud that we did it - in a self-sacrificing way! Ds1 has grown into a lovely boy now and others have come along too so may have been influenced by cost further down the line. Can't wait to return to work when they're older.

suiledonn · 03/09/2009 15:19

I am a SAHM. I love it most of the time but it does bug me when people say 'You are so lucky to be able to afford to not work'

It is not luck, it is sacrifice. My Dh is self employed and works all hours and we have put off buying a house for now as I really want to be with my girls. My mom was a SAHM too and I just wouldn't be happy another other way til the girls are older.

I am LUCKY that I have a DH who supports me in this decision.

Each to their own I say.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/09/2009 15:24

If you are happy with the choices you and your family have made, then good luck to you. My only note of caution would be: don't let your H or P start thinking that because he earns a monetary income and your contribution is doing the childcare which allows him to work the necessary hours, he is your boss/owner and you should obey him. The most straightforward way to avoid this trap is to make sure that both you and he have the same amount of child-free, chore-free time each week to indulge your own tastes and hobbies.

TheDMshouldbeRivened · 03/09/2009 15:29

I hate the myth that we must be supe rich to stay at home. errr, no. hubby on a very low wage.

Original poster
esc8 · 03/09/2009 16:37

I agree, when I say that I am at home I feel that an asumption is made that we are well off. We are living a strange time - where it is quite unusual to SAH - but I will not let others opinion get me down.
As you have said, I am lucky to do this and enjoy while I can.
xx

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 03/09/2009 16:44

See if you can make some new friends who are also SAHMs if your old ones don't seem to understand your choice. It can be lonely in the early days, and there is a definite period of getting used to the role, but getting out and chatting with others helped me a lot. Have you considered trying to get into a book group or starting a babysitting group or regular playdate circle? PITA sometimes, but you meet people in the same boat.

ABetaDad · 03/09/2009 16:47

Been a SAHD/WAHD for 8 years and yes we can afford it and yes I certainly felt the 'being looked down on' a fair bit and often by women.

But what the heck? I like it and it my/our life - not anyone elses.

Swipe left for the next trending thread