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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

is there any hope? can men change?

29 replies

thisisyesterday · 02/09/2009 21:23

so, background, dp is a twat.

is it even remotely possible that he might change? i am sat here feeling really rather unhappy. staring at a shithole of a house, with an unhappy 4.5 yr old up in bed who tells me he hates daddies because they have blackberries and never play. dp has gone to bed after taking an hour-long bath, leavin me to clear up the entire kitchen that he said he'd sort.

OP posts:

Original poster

thisisyesterday · 02/09/2009 21:33

no?

OP posts:

thesouthsbelle · 02/09/2009 21:34

what's the rest of it? is this an isolated incident?

allaboutme · 02/09/2009 21:35

not unless THEY want to.
he wont change because YOU want him to, unless either he wants to make you happy (unlikely if he's always been like this and knows you dont like it!) or if you threaten to do something drastic like chuck him out and it gives him the kick up the bum he needs.

Original poster

thisisyesterday · 02/09/2009 21:39

no, it isn't isolated. it's like this all the time,
he seems happiest when he doesn't have to spend any time with me and the children. the house is a tip because the kids make a mess as soon as I tidy it, and dp always has better things to do than help me out.

god i feel like such a twat. i don't know why this has come over me all of a sudden

OP posts:

MyCatIsAFleaBagNoMore · 02/09/2009 21:40

I think he's the twat.

Hr long bath indeed! He'd have a bucket of cold water thrown over him in my house.

Original poster

thisisyesterday · 02/09/2009 21:41

i have told him to leave on several occassions. but he refused point blank each time.

i went and stayed in a hotel for a few days when ds2 was a few weeks old too because i wanted it to be over and that made no difference either.

i guess he knows i'll always come back, and there is nothing i can do to make him leave.

i feel so guilty because i think ds1 is really unhappy and it's all my fault for not providing him with a happy stable home

OP posts:

MyCatIsAFleaBagNoMore · 02/09/2009 21:45

Why did you go back?

Original poster

thisisyesterday · 02/09/2009 21:46

and he knows i have nothing. no job, no qualifications, no family with a big enough house to take in me and 3 children.
nothing.

if i left then i would have nothing for the children at all

OP posts:

Original poster

thisisyesterday · 02/09/2009 21:46

i went back because he said he loved us, and because i was scared of being by myself with 2 children and i hoped things could change

OP posts:

Original poster

thisisyesterday · 02/09/2009 21:47

and then we had ds3. which was stupid. why did i have another baby in that situation??

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MyCatIsAFleaBagNoMore · 02/09/2009 21:50

It does seem that nothing is changing though. And I think his definition of love isn't what most peoples is. Do you really have noone? Also, he would have to provide for the children so you wouldn't be totally without.

Have you considered relate or anything?

Original poster

thisisyesterday · 02/09/2009 21:52

my mum and dad live nearby, but they don't have room for all of us, they sitll have my brother living at home. i guess they would take us in if it was an emergency but it would be pretty hard for all of us

i feel bad even thinking of taking the children away from a nice house with all their stuff.
but that's not the important thing is it?

OP posts:

sorky · 02/09/2009 21:54

He won't change.

If you could stay in your house, with support, would you separate?

Original poster

thisisyesterday · 02/09/2009 21:55

yes, i would

OP posts:

ginnny · 02/09/2009 21:56

He's not going to change.
You either have to live with that fact or do something about it.
Sorry to sound harsh, I don't mean to, but can you see yourself living like this for the rest of your life, or at least till your dc leave home?
You will get support if you split, staying isn't the only option.

sorky · 02/09/2009 22:00

then you need to look at how much you would receive in benefits to be single, coupled with maintenance from him for the 3 children.

You can get mortgage interest relief up to £200,000 added to the fact that he cannot ask you to sell the house until the youngest reaches 16 (18 if in F-time education)

When Dh is reeeeeally pissing me off I tell him exactly how much better off I'd be if I were single, it doesn't happen very often at all, but it makes me feel better ;)

sorky · 02/09/2009 22:01

children have a way of making things clearer to us don't they

MyCatIsAFleaBagNoMore · 02/09/2009 22:01

I have to agree with ginny. He's not going to change so you either accept that or do something about it. I know what I would do if my DC were being made sad (for a start there would be no more long baths!).

Original poster

thisisyesterday · 02/09/2009 22:03

but he won't leave.and the house is entirely his, not even a bit mine

OP posts:

aRLcat · 02/09/2009 22:14

Try to access your community social work team? Via GP possibly. In some situations they can provide help with rehousing and can be very supportive.

mrsboogie · 02/09/2009 22:15

why do women do this? why do you have a man's children and spend your life at home looking after them and him and skivvying around while he goes out and earns money to keep for himself and buy a house for himself while you get NOTHING? why does any woman ever think this is a good idea?

OP get some money together, take it from his bank account if you have to (there will be no come back I can almost guarantee it) get enough to rent a nice 3 bedroom house for yourself and your kids, take enough to buy what you need and to hire a van to move Every Bloody Thing out of that house and leave him a note with no forwarding address saying that you hope he and his Blackberry will live happily ever after.

You will get benefits to live on and he will have to support his children.

Its probably only a matter of time before he leaves you for some bit of stuff anyway - he clearly doesn't want to be in a family.

You should do this for your own self respect and dignity but more importantly you should do it before the damage that is being done to your son is irreversible.

ginnny · 02/09/2009 22:16

But he has to support you and the dc wherever you live and I don't know how long you have lived together but I'm sure you would have some sort of claim on the house.
Go to your CAB and find out your options. It might be enough to shake him up into making more of an effort if nothing else!

sorky · 02/09/2009 22:17

Are you married? If so, then the assets of the marriage are to be split regardless of who owned what beforehand, unless there's a pre-nup insitu

Original poster

thisisyesterday · 02/09/2009 22:30

no, we aren't married. we bought the house when we were together, but i wasn't working because i'd just had ds1 so i put nothing into it.

it's easy for you to say take some money to rent a house"
we don't HAVE any money to take. what we get in goes out. there is no spare money for me to just take

OP posts:

sorky · 02/09/2009 23:34

it's half yours then

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