Boyfriend of 4 months is sulking and not answering my calls - am devastated - irrationally so.

[FloodsOfTears]

I have a long distance relationship. I love him deeply - he says he loves me (nd he said it first).

Tonight, I rang him at 9.15, for our usual chat. But 10 minutes later a friend of mine poped in and I told him I had to go - at which point he got really abrupt and said, ok, go. Bye then. Everything I said after that got met with "Bye then". Rang him back ten minutes later, told him I'd ring him when she had left, he told me not to bother as he was going to bed, stop being antisocial and go and talk to my friend.

Tried to ring him to say goodnight at 11 - he put the phone down on me without speaking to me. Tried a few times, in case he lost signal - has been known to happen - phone repeatedly switched off. SO I haven;'t bothered again.

What if this is it? What if he never wants to see me again, or speak to me - what if he won't answer his phone tomorrow or the next day or the next day? What if this is me being dumped?

I'm utterly miserable. I absolutely adore this man and he's being so so mean and I don't know why. PLEASE help me put some perspective on this.

Maybe you are panicking because in a previous relationship this scenario would have lead to something much worse.

After being in that sort of relationship, I couldn't relate normally to another man for a long long time, every small incident sent me into a big panic attack.

Everytime I felt like this, I gave myself 24 hours to calm down and gain some perspective.

so floodsoftears, let's assume this isn't a wind-up then

do you consider this immature, selfish, jealous reaction of his to be normal ??

don't question yourself, he has behaved like a twat

ignore him, if he doesn't ring tomorrow with a very good explanation, consider relationship over

even if he does, and you are back "deep in love" again, consider this a warning to you and do not tolerate this attempt to engineer your emotions from afar ever again

"This is the first time"? that's one time too many!! that should have your low level shitness radar engaged good and proper.

if there is one time there will be another time.and another. and it will be your fault.

he is a tosser because he got the hump and instead of apologising and acting like an adult he carried it on all night and ignored your repeated (foolish) attempts to contact him. He was enjoying seeing that phone ring and knowing you were being punished.

get it now?

tomorrow when you speak to him he will blame it on you - you said something the wrong way or made him feel bad or some pathetic shit.

This is him punishing you for daring to give him less than 100% of your attention.

Take note and step away.

At four months there shouldn't BE any minor squabbles.

DH and I started as an LDR, after 2 months he proposed and I said yes, he got a transfer with his job so that he could move in with me and 5 years later here we are. No games, no strange hanging up of the phone. No drama, no wringing of hands and gnashing of teeth.

Does that help with perspective?

ok thanks mrsjammi

oh and stop trying to convince yourself he was asleep - he hung up on you - he didn't do that in his sleep did he?

BIN!

That's the word - panic, yes, I'm panicking. Because I don't KNOW what's going to happen next, I don't know what to do next. What shall I do if he rings me tomorrow and all is ignored, having not even registered on his radar as important? Is it important? You think it's a bit of a red flag - but what is it a red flag for? What shall I do if he never rings me again? (I will ball my fucking eyes out for months, is what I'll do).

I'm not going to pander to him, I'm not a panderer, but I have ^panicked. I don't know quite what just happened.

people who are "deeply in love" do not make each other feel this bad

fact

think on that

It is a red flag for that fact that he is a selfish, controlling twat. Surely that should answer your question about what you should do if he phones you tomorrow - you ignore it.
And if he doesn't, thank your stars for a lucky escape before you wasted years of your life with him.

I'm not binning him, end of. I do love him. I'm 35 years old, ffs, I know what love feels like. And in case some of you hadn't noticed, this has been posted, seriously, in relationships, not AIBU. I KNOW my reaction is unreasonable. I just don't know whether his is too.

ohhh, have just heard a great quote on telly

"Lake Placid", fairly rubbish film

but some woman just said "if I had a dick, this is where I would tell you to suck it..."

brilliant

I suggest you use that one, floods

What happened is that he very effectively pulled the rug out from under you in a calculated and nasty manner. Your reaction would be very pleasing to him and is exactly what he was aiming for,

he is a controlling prick.

what happens next is up to you - be controlled or take control and FUCK. HIM. OFF.

Sorry but you are being pathetic.

You decide!

How is he supposed to know he's made me feel like this? You said yourself I've reacted like a 14 year old girl.

You've only seen the negative her. He is, almost always, a sweet, gentle, considerate, uncontrolling and very very kind man. So this is out of the fucking blue.

Ok, don't bin him. But you're signing up for a controlling headfuck in that case. Sincere advice there- up to you what to do with it.

yes OP, you are the red flag

get some help with your self-esteem, honestly, some people have really done a number on you

did you get any help after your previous relationships turned so bad ?

don't bin him then.

prepare for more of the same.

Oh I haven't rung him since I started posting. I'm not going to either. He's either ignoring me or he's asleep (and he does switch his phone off in his sleep, and so do I)

But everyone here is telling you that his reaction is unreasonable - but you're ignoring us all because it isn't what you want to hear.

If he's treating you badly, why wouldn't you 'bin him'? Being treated like shit doesn't go hand in hand with being in a relationship, whatever you may have experienced in the past that runs contrary to that.

No I didn't get any help. . My ex was NOTHING like this. He used to lie to me and hit me. This man is almost the polar opposite.

I thought my self esteem was ok. It';s certainly BEEN ok over the past four months, what with being told daily how beautiful, gorgeous, loved and missed I am.

floods, have you taken any of the comments on board at all ?

you are getting a bit of a pasting here, and someone will be along soon to say we are jumping on you and treating you cruelly

I will hold my hands up to that

but really, you appear to have a sign on your head that says abuse me

how is he supposed to know you would react like this? if you give him even the tiniest hint of the vulnerability that is writ so large in your posts it would be very obvious to him that you are prey to being manipulated like this.

he has been building up to this - being so so nice so that when he chooses to manipulate you you will be totally wrongfooted. Well done him. bullseye.

you are putty in his hands. sort yourself out love.