Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to leave

52 replies

lonelyprincess · 26/05/2005 16:00

I don't love dh anyomre, I have virtually told him this. He said if it's the case I have to leave. I want to leave but I'm scared of the being on my own. What will happen to my dd? My sister says I can go and stay there. dd staying at her nan's tonight. I'm not looking forward to a night in with him. He isn't a bad person, I just don't love him anymore.

Not sure why I'm posting just needed to tell someone.

OP posts:
compo · 26/05/2005 16:05

have you tried counselling? Might be worth a try

charleepeters · 26/05/2005 16:05

If your that unhappy surley you and your dd shuld leave??? if your not in love with him anymore then theres no need to be with him. has he done anything to make you stop loving him?

mytwopenceworth · 26/05/2005 16:08

sorry to hear this. have you truly have made up your mind, and dont feel counselling would help? sometimes you can think you have 'fallen out of love', but it is possible to rediscover each other - assuming you loved him once - has he or you changed beyond recognition, or maybe day to day stuff has made you forget about each other a little? guess what i am saying is, marriage is so important and i hope you will be able to look back and say you gave it every shot, and tried everything, and leaving was not your first option.
as to practicalities, if house is jointly owned, or your name is on rent book, you can make him leave as you would have right to stay in home of you remain primary carer of dd. - can even apply to court for this if house not in your name. im sure it would be scary being on your own, but is it enough if you cant think of any other reason for staying? if you REALLY dont love him, let him go and you can both find real love. i wish you the very best in whatever you decide to do.

Original poster
lonelyprincess · 26/05/2005 16:09

We talked about going for counselling but agreed it probably wouldn't help. It hasn't been right between us for 2 years. I have felt neglected by him and we have got into a vicious circle. It all came to a head on Monday when I felt I couldn't go on like this anymore and walked out of work. We talked and said more truths to each other than have been said for a long time and I agreed to try again. But I just feel hollow. He has made all the changes I asked of him, been really affectionate and we have had more sex in two nights than in 2 years. But I just don't feel the passion anymore. And I feel I'm being dishonest by staying. But how can I take his little girl away? She has done nothing wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
lonelyprincess · 26/05/2005 16:12

I think we have both changed. I think I have changed too much thoough. I don't think whatever he does will be enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
lonelyprincess · 26/05/2005 16:14

He has assumed it was a hormonal thing after birth of dd and has been waiting for me to come back. I think things went wrong before dd and that her arrival gave me a reason to stay. I'm not sure that is the right reason to stay. I have had butterflies for 4 days, I can't eat. i have reached the point where I need to do something.

OP posts:
Original poster
lonelyprincess · 26/05/2005 16:15

How can I ask him to leave if I'm the one who doesn't love him anymore?

OP posts:
huggybear · 26/05/2005 16:20

do you feel more like friends than husband and wife. i sometimes feel that me and dh are like that, i love him but im not in love with him. i havent got any reason at all to leave him - he is a wonderful father and a wonderful man but i hope i dont wake up on day and realise that ive 'settled' because i was to scared to do the right thing.

i know its hard

mytwopenceworth · 26/05/2005 16:21

what are your expectations of feelings towards dh? - i ask cos you should know it is quite normal to not continue to feel passion - tends to be replaced after time with comfort, stabitily etc, do you mean you no longer feel butterflies etc? normal progression imo. im only saying this in case you are looking to recapture that feeling when you first meet someone, in which case you may find your relationships follow the same pattern - leaving when that first flush wears off. if you both feel counselling wouldnt help, sounds like you have both given up on the marriage, but yet he has made all the changes you asked him to make?? is there anything he could do, or any way he could behave that would make you WANT to stay?

bamik · 26/05/2005 16:22

Hi LP,

I think that you BOTH need to give it a chance. There must be a reason why you got married in the first place. Never forget that it takes 2 to make it work. It sounds to me that you want it to work or you would have never made the cray for help! But he has to want it to work too.

At least give it a chance. Do you think that it's changed because of little one! Do you think you might have pushed him away a little in the early stages of when bubba was younger and as a result he has just lost interest?

If I sound like I am blaming you PLEASE forgive me.

My advice to you also is not always to rely on family advice when it comes to your marriage. I've have done it many a time and have really regret it. It doesn't matter how good or bad your DH is, as soon as you stay I'm Leaving, they're not going to suggest that you work it out. They'll have you moved into their place before your next blink! There must be something good about him - try and think about the positives!

I really hope that everything works out for you.

Love, Bami x

Original poster
lonelyprincess · 26/05/2005 16:22

I don't want to hurt him, I care about him but the thought that this is it for the rest of my life is terrifying me. He is a good father but not the loving caring partner that I want or need anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
lonelyprincess · 26/05/2005 16:25

Thank you, this is helping me to get things straight in my head. No-one could offend or upset me as it's all just opinions.

OP posts:
mytwopenceworth · 26/05/2005 16:27

could this be pnd, plus 'ohmygod we have a baby together im tied to this man forever', could you be scared at the seriousness and responsibility of it all? you say you felt like this before you had dd - before you got pregnant you mean? or could getting pregnant have made you get a bit scared?

mytwopenceworth · 26/05/2005 16:28

i hope you make the right choice for you and yuor family and that you are happy (at least happier than you seem at the moment) x

Original poster
lonelyprincess · 26/05/2005 16:30

Upto this week for the last 2 years we have lived seperate lives really. As soon as dd goes to bed he goes on his pc and I watch tv or I'm on my pc until we go to bed. we always used to go togther, now we don't and for 15 nights he was in the spare room. I suppose I did shut him out at the beginning but I also felt he didn't give me the support I expected to get. Dd took a long time to be concieved and I wouldn't be without her but she came just I had decided that I couldn't take much more of him being selfish. There are lots of things that happened all at once and I have waited 2 years for it to all cone flooding back but it hasn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
lonelyprincess · 26/05/2005 16:31

We have been married 9 years, together for 12 and dd took 7 years to happen. I think the stress of dd's conception was what put us under strain as well as his dad having terminal cancer.

OP posts:
mytwopenceworth · 26/05/2005 16:33

do you think dh would be happier if you guys split up as well?

mytwopenceworth · 26/05/2005 16:34

you could always have a trial seperation? decide to have x months apart and to come together at the end of that time to discuss how you feel and what you want?

Original poster
lonelyprincess · 26/05/2005 16:36

I have thought about going to sisters for a while to get some space and perspective on it. I think he will be upset if I leave but not surprised.

OP posts:
mytwopenceworth · 26/05/2005 16:41

perhaps that is the best thing? time apart to reflect (even see if you miss each other would be something!).

Original poster
lonelyprincess · 26/05/2005 16:43

Twopence you seem like a very wise person and have given me just the right kind of advice. Thank you.

I'm going to talk to him again tonight about things, I feel like such a cow though.

OP posts:
mytwopenceworth · 26/05/2005 16:45

you are not a cow - you seem genuinly upset about this. i wish you well

i also wish i was wise! but thanks!! xx

Original poster
lonelyprincess · 26/05/2005 16:46

I'm scared. Leaving is what other people do. And yet I know I'm going to regret staying. oh shit oh shit oh shit

OP posts:
Original poster
lonelyprincess · 26/05/2005 16:47

I think I'm scared of saying it cos once it's out in the open you can't take it back can you. I have said it to other people about him so i should be honest to his face shouldn't I.

OP posts:
mytwopenceworth · 26/05/2005 16:50

then dont 'go'. go to visit your sister, have a little holiday! have fun, talk, think. then when its time to go home - you decide. it will probably seem clearer then. but this is all only my opinion.

do let me know how youre getting on, wont you?