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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to leave

52 replies

lonelyprincess · 26/05/2005 16:00

I don't love dh anyomre, I have virtually told him this. He said if it's the case I have to leave. I want to leave but I'm scared of the being on my own. What will happen to my dd? My sister says I can go and stay there. dd staying at her nan's tonight. I'm not looking forward to a night in with him. He isn't a bad person, I just don't love him anymore.

Not sure why I'm posting just needed to tell someone.

OP posts:
Original poster
lonelyprincess · 26/05/2005 16:51

I will. I best go now, need to compose myself before he gets home. Thank you for helping me.

OP posts:
mytwopenceworth · 26/05/2005 16:51

sorry missed your last post while typing! no, you cant take it back - but would you want to? and it sounds like it is pretty much in the open already - he cant be unaware of how you are feeling? and, i think you own it to him to be honest.

mytwopenceworth · 26/05/2005 16:52

meant owe it to him.
hope your talking about it has helped you feel clearer. bye

Original poster
lonelyprincess · 27/05/2005 07:34

I stayed another night. I told him how I felt but couldn't leave. I think it's because it's so final and I'm scared. Don't wantto regret anything.

I'll post more later.

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charlie72 · 27/05/2005 21:19

Hi LP

Just picked up your thread. You sound very unhappy

We were married for 7 years and had a 5 yr old when we split up - we'd never argued (maybe part of the problem) or anything. We met, married and had kiddie no 1 within 18 mths - I was only 18 at the beginning and I think I simply grew out of him, if that makes sense??

It took me a good 2 yrs to pluck up the courage to say how unhappy I was and within a few weeks, we'd separated and that was that. We thought about getting back together but knew deep down it just wasn't right.

8 yrs later, we've both got new families and our daughter is about as happy as a teenager can be!!

You seem clear that you think your marriage has ended but confused as to what to do next.

I have no suggestions as to what you should do because that clearly can only be decided between the two of you - your man sounds like he's trying hard to put things right - whatever happens, I wish the three of you the best of luck.

x

Original poster
lonelyprincess · 28/05/2005 07:22

Thank you Charlie72

The longer I stay and the harder he tries the more suffocated I feel. I think we will be seperated in the next few weeks too. He knows I am struggling with the idea of staying. He says he doesn't want to be married to someone who doesn't love him. I told him I care but I don't think I'm in love with him. He said he wants to grow old with me.

My heart is constantly racing and I feel queasy all the time.

It's half term now so we are both off work for a week which might sound like the chance to work it out. But it's filling me with dread. I just want to run away from it all.

OP posts:
fostermum · 28/05/2005 08:00

i ttotally understand where your all coming from, its the same in my house, the marraige is over but niether of us want to say it out loud, so we avoid each other all the time not rowing just not having any thing to do with each other but i feel sick with nervous tension when he at home

Original poster
lonelyprincess · 28/05/2005 17:34

I think I'm going to have to leave even if it's just for a few days to clear my head. I feel claustrophobic. I think I have made my decision, I know need to see if I have the courage to do it. I'm going out of my mind.

OP posts:
beckymumof3 · 28/05/2005 17:45

Lonely Princess, I really feel for you. This was exactly the situation I was in 8.5 years ago. We were married, and had a 1.5 yo DD. I stayed with him a year longer than I should. He was (and is) a lovely bloke - but I didn't love him - I felt very guilty for hurting him so much for a long time.

BUT it had to be done, I was suffering from depression because of the situation and was very unhappy which wasn't fair on any of us.

It wasn't easy at all, it was a very difficult couple of years but as soon as I walked out that door a massive weight lifted from my shoulders and I felt like a new woman: I could cope with anything.

I now am married again and have 2 other children (and no.4 on the way!), so has it been worth it?> A 100 times over, but don't underestimate the times ahead - he will be devestated, and you will feel guilty for a long time. I wish you the best of luck and hope it works out.

Original poster
lonelyprincess · 28/05/2005 17:50

Thank you beckysoontobemumof4

Where do I go though? How do I start?

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Original poster
lonelyprincess · 28/05/2005 19:53

anyone there?

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charlie72 · 29/05/2005 09:07

Hi LP

I was lucky - my ex asked if I wanted him to move out which made it so much easier on dd, you know, consistency. When my sister & her partner split, she came to stay with me for a couple of months which was nice (hard with 5 people in a 3bed house but nice).

Would your husband agree to look for somewhere else whilst things were sorted out???

Your sister's place might be a good start if you decide to leave.

I was really sad for a while after we separated but I think this was more guilt - I never wanted my daughter to grow up without her dad nearby (approx 60 mile round trip to where he is) but in the end it was healthier for us all to move forwards rather than risk things turning bitter.

The hardest thing is actually making that decision - you've not only got to accept that for you, your marriage is all but over, but also that you'll be hurting the one person you never thought you would. I'm sorry for bringing up all the bad things - you're probably feeling guilty for even thinking this without some stranger wittering on about it but the guilt was one thing I wasn't expecting or prepared for.

I'm keeping tabs on your thread & will be back later tonight when ds is in bed.

beckymumof3 · 29/05/2005 18:05

Sorry I didn't reply sooner Lonely. I think you have already started by telling him. Where do you go? That is up to you.

I left with DD but it was very turbulant for us for a couple of years - we were even homeless for a while (kipping on people's floors etc). Reflecting back I wish I had got my ex-h to move out and let us stay but I felt soo guilty. Now, I would do what was in the best interests of my child and ask him to leave.

If you have somewhere to stay while you sort out a new home that is great but if not I would seriously consider the above. It may seem really harsh considering you are the one ending it but your child will need some kind of stability at this time.

Good luck

kronyapola · 29/05/2005 18:51

dh and i seriously got to a point where i thought we would never work it out, felt sick and nervous at home,flirtations with othre people, i moved out etc.... we had conselling and now have ds.... you can come back from awful times, i nearly gave up many times and am glad i didnt , sol it is possible, really feel for you, remember how terrible it was when i felt like this

kronyapola · 29/05/2005 18:53

counselling helped because no matter how much advice i got from other people i couldnt make up my mind what 2 do and it drove me mad... but counselling clarified it... one way or the other it is easier if you can come to a decision

Original poster
lonelyprincess · 31/05/2005 12:14

Thank you everyone.

I left on Sunday and felt so calm since. Back to talk to him but one small step at a time.

I'll keep posting. How do I go about getting counselling?

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Loobie · 31/05/2005 14:10

the feeling calm since you left is just the start of it,yes there are hard times and real s**y times but for me the good definately outweighs the bad we had at the end,life is so wonderful on my own now.Yes there are times when its hard and chaotic but we get through it,we are just back from a weeks holiday,me my three kids and a friend and her 3 kids,the eldest being nearly 10 and severely autistic and the youngest being 2 1/2 weeks.It was fab!!!!Then the day after we got home dd ended up in hospital having fish bone removed from her throat but school is back and all is calm again.
What im saying is look at what i managed in a week and there was no stress,bad moods,worrying about him we just lived for the hour and had fun something we were never able to do while ex was around.
You have done the biggest bit by leaving please dont turn back and undo the work you have done,just look forward no matter how hard it may look.xx

mytwopenceworth · 31/05/2005 15:17

you can get counselling via gp, or thru cmht - referral needed (dont think you are talking about that type of counselling though, are you?) or relate, or private ads - get recommended and accredited thru professional body.

charlie72 · 31/05/2005 18:26

You've taken an enormous step which is so brave - many people I know stay where they are because they're scared to change things.... sounds really daft doesn't it???

How's ds?????

Well done to you. Time apart will do the two of you the world of good. You'll know for definate whether the split should be permanent or not (I don't think this can be decided when you're both at the family home)

Lots of luck if you go ahead with counselling - even if you go on your own, it can help to put things straight in your own mind.

Original poster
lonelyprincess · 01/06/2005 09:07

I'm so scared. Today hit has all hit home. I feel lost and lonely and have no idea what to do next. I have arranged to see dh each day so he can see dd and so we can perhaps go back to dating rather than a full on relationship. Not sure its what I want but its a start.

Yesterday I went and did 2 loads of washing and taught him how to use the dishwasher. I felt awful but just couldn't handle anymore talking about it. he bought me a huge bouquet of flowers. I felt terrible leaving and taking dd away from him again, worse than when we left on sunday but I couldn't have stayed.

I have an appointment at docs this morning, I hope they are sympathetic.

Thank you for all your support. I have lurked on mumsnet for 2 years but never needed it as much as I do now.

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charlie72 · 01/06/2005 09:24

Hi LP

We're all here for you - there's god knows how many of us who have either been there or are there at the moment so no matter how lonely you feel, there will always be someone to bounce things off!!

You know, after re-reading your thread, I think that counselling would do so much good - I truly hope your GP is sympathetic and gives the advice you really need.

Lots of luck & hugs to you both

x

Original poster
lonelyprincess · 01/06/2005 15:34

The GP was lovely. She gave me a tissue and the relate phone number. She said to make another appointment with her once I'd been and if they didn't match what I needed there were plenty of other options. She mentioned anti depressants but said it was too early to say whether they would help or not. I've rung relate and have an appointment on my own with them on Friday afternoon.

We all went out for lunch today and it was really hard work if dd hadn't been there we would have had nothing to talk about. we couldn't even make eye contact. It was horrible leaving again just because I know how much i'm hurting him.

I feel so sad today, don't know why but having to resist crying. DD caught me once and gave me hugs and kisses which for a 16 month old is very astute!

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Bugsy2 · 01/06/2005 16:35

lonelyprincess, as someone who has just spent the last two years getting divorced, I would just like to suggest you proceed very slowly.
It is hard being a single parent & financially you will all be worse off.
If you can find any of the attraction that used to be there, if you can learn to love him again - please give it your best shot.
Big hugs to you - it is a very difficult time.

Original poster
lonelyprincess · 03/06/2005 08:38

Well I finally managed to get him to see how I feel yesterday. I was very strong and assertive and it made me feel great. I feel like a huge weight has lifted and that I can now move on with my life. I'm still not sure which directions it will go in, whether we try to fix it or we split but we were both singing from the same hymn sheet by the end of yesterday. He still wants us to stay together and wants me to move back home. But he understands how strongly I feel about going back. I can't go back to how it was, it will just drift back to this point again as it has in the past. Things need to change between us.

I'm crapping myself about going to Relate but I'm just going to be as honest as I can and take it from there.

I'm going to take it slow Bugsy2 and double check my feelings at all times. But I'm also going to be true to myself and make sure that I do what makes me happiest.

Thanks for all being here

xxx

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Munchkinola · 19/08/2005 15:25

Just to let you know I am no longer a lonely princess. I did leave and I haven't looked back. I am renting my own place for 6 months to take time out to think. Haven't ruled out going back but it will be on my terms and when I'm ready if it happens. I went to relate on my own and it really helped. The counsellor was fantastic, I would recommend it to anyone.