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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anyone who has been cheated on - Advice Please

37 replies

startingovernow · 08/08/2009 18:22

Am trying to come to terms with the fact dh has been unfaithfull. The evidence seems to be pretty deffinate but he has come up with an explanation for everything & I really feel he is being honest. When I look at the facts I think he deffinately must have been unfaithful (even though his explanation could add up) but when I listen to him I feel he's telling the truth. Can anyone who's been through this help me to get my head straight. Do we always automatically believe someone we love? Can people who are being unfaithfull lie & at the same time appear to be sincere?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 08/08/2009 18:25

'Can people who are being unfaithfull lie & at the same time appear to be sincere?'

Of course they can. How do you think some people get away with for years and years or even forever?

Someone who's unfaithful doesn't even need to speak to lie to you, but they do anyway. They lie about where they were, they lie about what they've done, some even lie to the spouse who's taken them back and they're still sleeping with another person.

Happens all the time.

Original poster

startingovernow · 08/08/2009 18:46

Thanks,I'm really heartbroken. I've spent so much of my life with this person that I really thought I would know automatically if he was lying. The hardest part is trying to stop myself from believing him. He sounds so sincere & I find I'm thinking maybe he is telling the truth. How could I not know the difference when someone I have lived with so long is lying or telling the truth?

OP posts:

NorthernLurker · 08/08/2009 18:47

Lying or not - how do you feel about your relationship now?

ninah · 08/08/2009 18:52

I agree lying is almost more of a shock than cheating and as hurtful

Original poster

startingovernow · 08/08/2009 18:53

Thanks NL,my relationship is over anyway due to multiple probs but I really thought he might sort himself out & that we might have a future. This has just been the nail on the coffin. I'm so sad for me & dc's

OP posts:

Hassled · 08/08/2009 18:57

I know my ex-DH, who I knew inside out and backwards, looked me in the eye and told me he wasn't seeing anyone else. He was lying. The guilt got to him and he came clean a week a so after that conversation - and I was amazed, because I had truly accepted the reasons he was coming home at 4am etc.

And yes, it was the lies more than the infidelity that put the nail in the coffin. I could forgive (and understand) the fling - things were pretty bad between us, we were young and stressed etc - but I couldn't forget the lies.

NorthernLurker · 08/08/2009 18:58

OK - so you need to put all you energy in to thinking about you and your lovely babies and your future. Don't give this man the luxury of your thoughts - liar or not, doesn't sound worth the energy.

BeauticianNotMagician · 08/08/2009 19:04

I have been cheated on and i think it is hard to come to terms with until you have actual proof(in my case that proof came in a disgusting text message on his phone from the Ow).Of course anyone can tell a lie convincingly.I found with ex that he over explained situations that i probably wouldnt have questioned him on.

You and your dcs will be fine.Its better to be single and happy than in a relationship and miserable.I also believe once a cheat always a cheat.

tiredoftherain · 08/08/2009 23:10

startingover, in exactly the same position. Have evidence of 2 texts which suggest that H told OW that he loved her, and she then spent that night in his hotel room (he works away). He had to admit that much as I had actual transcripts of the texts, but has put all sorts of spin on it to suggest that it was innocent, they are just close friends and that she stayed with him because she was upset about issues with her H. Apparently nothing physical happened.

It makes me feel sick to my stomach. I would love to believe him, even though it's too late for us anyway, but can't see past what seems to be the glaring truth. I'm now wondering what the hell else has been going on. It's so hard to be this suspicious.

aRLcat · 08/08/2009 23:30

startingovernow and tiredoftherain please trust your instincts!

Following my then Xp's affair, the most difficult thing for me to come to terms with has actually been that I placed my faith in him, rather than my instincts and therefore myself.

It is difficult to accept what feels like an uneasy whisper now, I know. In the future and with hindsight you may well realise it as a suppressed scream and a voice that deserved to be heard.

k850plus · 09/08/2009 00:20

Been there (DECADE ago),got the Tshirt - trouble is I am still wearing it!!!! Have posted myself before so won't bore you - but put simply I really wish i had sorted it years ago by separating at the time. He repeated it again about 2 yrs ago, different circumstances - debatable it was a full on affair (who am I kidding!!) but still i haven't got the balls to up and leave - cause he sure as hell isn't going to. Kids are now teens and I have been miserable for years. I have let is fester and wrankle all this time to the point where I don;t want to go anywhere with him, have had separate weeks off work this year as we would probably kill each other if we spent more than a weekend under the same roof!!! I find I despise him soo much.

Don;t let it get to that stage and drag on for years - as others have said trust your instincts, I am afraid I beleive that once a cheater always a cheater.

Good luck

elastamum · 09/08/2009 04:21

My ex looked me in the eye and lied all the time and got really offended if i questioned him. when I finally found out the truth it was the lying that did it for me. I felt a huge amount of comtempt for him (still do) for telling so many lies. I dont hate him any more but I dont respect him at all which is difficult as he is still the father of my children

Original poster

startingovernow · 09/08/2009 11:46

Thanks for all the replies. I'm still v confused & not sure what to believe. My instincts are really really sharp in other areas but I can't seem to see the truth in this one. I would normally know straight away if he lied. As a poster said below, I just find it v hard to get peace around this when I don't know what the truth is. I've gone to a lot of lenghts to try & catch him out but I've been unable to find proof that would be indisputable. Anything I've come up with could have another explanation & of course that is what he comes up with whenever I've confronted him. I know he is not having an affair so therefore if this is true it means that it was casual sex with several women over years (prostitutes/foreign women). Is it possible that he could have been doing this & that I was unaware? How could I not know if he was lying on such a huge issue? To the people who have been cheated on & then confronted dh, did you know he was lying immediately or was it a case of him lying convincingly but you had the proof that said different. Everything in his personality would tell me that he would not be capable or interested in doing this but yet there are quiet a lot of things that on their own could be innocent but putting everything together I don't know. Help!! I want to try & find peace in this

OP posts:

ladylush · 09/08/2009 13:34

I agree with other advice given to trust your instincts. I had no reason to distrust dh (not such a dh then)but something suddenly made me suspicious so I started checking the pc and gradually suspicions were confirmed. He lied until I had absolute proof - an email. He'd been unfaitful for a year. I had no idea. I really don't think he'd have ever told me.

HappyWoman · 09/08/2009 17:17

Without absolute proof he will continue to lie.
For him you see why would he tell you the complete truth and risk everything?
He knows you cannot prove it and so will continue with his story forever if need be.

I know this because after i found out about my h affair i asked about some other times that i had not felt at ease. Not affairs but other times when things just did not add up They were mostly silly things but at the time made me feel uneasy. It turned out that i was spot on with all my gut feelings. That scared me but also gave me the confidence to trust my own instincts.
I would always listen to in the future. But then my h has a lot to make up for and i would not feel a fool for going on gut instinct.

I believe your h would lie and lie and lie and you will never know for sure.

Having no trust is the worst thing and although ours is shaky my h is very good at answering all my questions.

Original poster

startingovernow · 10/08/2009 18:04

Thanks for replies. That's the thing, my instincts are telling me that he wasn't unfaithful (I don't think he has it in him / doesn't fit with his personality) but my head is telling me he must have been. I feel v confused as it's like I've lost confidence in my ability to trust my own instincts. Am I confusing my instincts & my desire that he wasn't unfaithful. I'm afraid that iv got this terribly wrong. Am I accusing him wrongly & is this driving him mad or do I really not know this man at all & is he conning me? I don't know how to find peace without knowing for certain.

OP posts:

Kally · 10/08/2009 19:18

Of course they can lie. I was married for 26 years, 15 years into that ex DH had an affair. I was sure of it but couldn't 'nail' him and he swore he wasn't. For another 11 years we battled on, another baby, you name it, we did all the typical things shakey marriages do. We finally split up because the trust was demolished and even then - when he was begging to come back - he still denied it all. But friends told me he WAS definately in an affair back then and even stupidly bragged about my not knowing. This was a man I had grown up with and knew inside and out, 3 DC's and a whole lifetime of ups and downs. You know what? When he finally asked me all teary eyed why I was being so stubborn about not trying again, I said that I couldn't because I knew he had lied to me all those years. He still denied it. Then after he left I saw the other side of him. He completely turned and showed how 'capable' of living a lie he was. He neglected us, did a moonlite flit, did all the ungallant things a lieing cheating lowlife does. Then I knew he was capable of it.
Since the break and divorce I have never been happier because I got rid of that horrible insecure disbelieving feeling that was hanging over my head for 11 years. He lied barefaced and was smug about getting away with it. But not forever, it eventually turned around and bit him right on the rump because he lost everything. I am just a bit regretfull about not having fought harder at the time and perhaps I should have left him years earlier - but then I wouldn't have DC nr. 3 and she's worth all the suffering.

aRLcat · 10/08/2009 19:21

Startingover, my Xp wasn't the 'sort of person' whom anyone thought 'had it in him' to do what he did!

I think I can say with confidence that none of us who have been cheated on foresaw this trait in our partners. I know if I had I wouldn't have entered a relationship with Xp and I would imagine the same goes for each of us.

Trust your instincts!

NewLeaseofLife · 10/08/2009 19:34

I never, ever imagined that my ex H would lie to me, have an affair and cheat the way he did. Never thought he would, my Family and friends didnt think he would. Everyone was so shocked when it came out that he had.
I have said on here before that people will wear themselves out, drive themselves mad trying to get hard evidence. Its so difficult to try and trust your gut instincts as at times you try to override them but usually they are right. Try thinking what you would think if a friend was telling you all this, try writing a list of reasons why you think he may have been unfaithful.

Good luck and I hope it turns out for the best for you

ilikeshoes · 10/08/2009 20:01

My partner cheated on me twice and i believed him, but we had just had baby so i wanted to believe him, believe your gut instinct, and yes in my experience certain men can pretty much lie about anything, we were together 10 years i would of put a million pounds that he would never of cheated but i was wrong, its sad and crushing to have your trust broken like that, but you will mend, it just takes time, really feel for you.

Original poster

startingovernow · 10/08/2009 20:53

Thanks so much for the replies. I know everyone is saying trust my instincts but that is the thing that's making this worse as they are telling me he wasn't but my logical head thinks he was. NewLease, I already did write out why i thought he was & looking at everything on paper it would seem like he had to have been (he's come up with an explanation but I am unable to trust him as his behaviour is just not making sense). I'm just v confused about the whole thing.

OP posts:

NewLeaseofLife · 10/08/2009 21:08

Startingovernow - Is there anything else it could be? Could he be hiding something else, it may explain his strange behaviour?

It may just be a case of bideing your time, hard as that will be to do! You could do the email, checking texts, bugging phones, following him, getting him to meet you for lunch thing but it will eat you up.

I am sorry I cant be of more help. I know how terrible this must feel for you and wish you luck

Daisypops · 10/08/2009 21:13

My DP cheated on me more than once. I didnt want to believe it and gave him the benefit of the doubt everytime, his explanations were so convincing. In the end there was too much evidence and he admitted taking a work colleague out twice(there was more to it than that Im sure) . I found texts on his phone, he went out all day saying he was at work but wasnt dressed for work, he hid his phone, wouldnt let me see the computer etc. I had a feeling something was going on for months, but busied myself with DD and didnt want to face up to it. Turns out he was living a lie and more of less had a double life. So trust your instinct and deal with it now. xxx

Original poster

startingovernow · 10/08/2009 21:45

Thanks again for replies. NewLease, he was hiding an addiction problem, this is why I said below that my marriage is over for now anyway. The thing is I would deffinately take him back if he sorts that out as I really still love him but if he was also unfaithfull there is not a chance I would ever go back. I've tried everything to get proof, but he comes up with an excuse for anything suspicious.

OP posts:

tiredoftherain · 10/08/2009 21:51

Maybe just take your time startingover, the truth might come out unexpectedly, it did for me in the form of a phone call from OW's H. I still don't know exactly what to believe, and what not to, but am taking my time to decide, and it will be on my terms if the relationship resumes.

Am also in the situation of not being able to get proof, was on the verge of begging a nearby MNetter to go and snoop at his hotel last week! Thankfully that urge has passed.

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