Anyone who has been cheated on - Advice Please

[startingovernow]

Am trying to come to terms with the fact dh has been unfaithfull. The evidence seems to be pretty deffinate but he has come up with an explanation for everything & I really feel he is being honest. When I look at the facts I think he deffinately must have been unfaithful (even though his explanation could add up) but when I listen to him I feel he's telling the truth. Can anyone who's been through this help me to get my head straight. Do we always automatically believe someone we love? Can people who are being unfaithfull lie & at the same time appear to be sincere?

Thanks. You are right, I've got to let this go & trust that I will get the truth in the end. It won't matter if he doesn't sort out addiction problem anyway. I understand totally the urge to check up on your dh, I've done so many things to check up on mine. Getting up in middle of night to check car, going to great trouble to access mobile & email & on & on. Then anytime I decided to just let it go I would be triggered again by something & the whole cycle would start again!! I've wasted so much time on this & tormented myself so much.

Hi startingovernow, I'm in a similar position to you at the moment, Caught P out lying about 2 months ago, we split, but he made a load of effort and wormed his way back in, things were getting good again when I found out the lies 2 months ago were a lot worse than I originally thought. It turns out he had 3 women on the go... One of which was one of my best friends

I'm just wondering how you managed to get text transcripts, I'm going through a stage where I need to know all the gory details, and want to read his texts, I'm the accountholder for the mobile phones so should I just call them and ask?

Good luck, I'll second what others say about trusting your instincts, and believe yourself when you say you'll never trust him again you'll always be suspicious of him.

Hi Jennieflower, sorry only ever managed to access texts if his phone was on. Maybe someone else can help you with this. If he's with 02 I know you can access them on line but if he's not registered they send access code to mobile so this might be a prob (was for me)

Hi Jennieflower, I had text transcripts but only because OW was daft enough to forward texts on to her mother, and by chance her H got hold of the mother's phone, found a few messages and sent them on to his phone to store.

He downloaded her records by getting her phone, removing the SIM (there's a number you need on there) and then contacting the phone provider and asking for details of calls made and texts sent. I don't think there is any way of accessing content of texts sent after they have been deleted, you have to be on the spot with it.

I would have known none of this if it weren't for those texts, it has left me with more questions with answers though unfortunately.

it is a matter of trusting yourself though - I really dont think there is a way of knowing for sure of what he is telling you - if he admits to something then you will be left wondering if there is anything else he has not told you. You will just have more and more questions.

However once you decide to listen to your insticts rather than what he is saying then you only have yourself to answer to.

You do have the choice to believe him or not - and only you can do this - either you make a leap of faith and believe him and then leave it alone or you let it fester away and run the risk of it always being brought up.

If you decide to let it go it does not mean you have been a fool you have chosen to move on - but also know yourself that you will not tollerate these feelings of doubt and if they arise again you can call it a day.

Good luck.

Sorry but my situation shows a man can lie. My dh has confessed to having an affair, over 6 months after i confronted him about it, constant denials all that time. He has been making a big effort for our marriage to work and all along shagging a work colleague.

So sorry but yes, trust your instinct. If i hhad then i would have left him months ago rather than put up with the blatant lies.

I hope you are ok, you can move on, but you need closure first.

Thanks Happywoman that makes a lot of sense. I'm not going to torture myself with this anymore. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt but only because I've ended the marriage over his other problems anyway. I know the only way we have a future is if he sorts himself out, if he does the truth will come out then & if he doesn't it won't matter if he was or not. The more I stay with my gut instincts on this though the more I feel he wasn't unfaithful but was hiding addiction problems. As long as I kept my focus on worrying about if he had cheated or not the more his addiction problems were being ignored. Anyway, as someone said below the truth will out in the end. He's going to be moving out now so I am just going to keep my focus on myself & dc's. I really want to thank everyone for their replies, it has really helped me to move on from the self torture (even though I know it'll probably come back again but I'll handle it). Can't seem to stop myself from checking his messages though, will have to wean myself off!!

Megamums, I have been following your other posts & I am truely sorry for what you've discovered. I hope you find the strength & courage to do whatever you feel is right for you & your dd.

Oh My God, I just got such a shock. I checked his pockets about a half an hr ago when he was in the shower & there was a pink ribbon from crescent row benefit perfume (he used to buy me perfume often). I left the ribbon on the hall table to see his reaction. My dd walked into the kitchen to me & dh awhile later with the ribbon in her hand. I asked her where she got it, expecting her to say hall table & she said from daddys friend y'day. She was out shopping with dh y'day in a shop where a friend of his (that I know) works on the perfume counter & she gave it to her. This is the type of stuff that is driving me insane. I keep saying I'm going to let it go & than I get triggered unexpectedly & jump straight to the conclusion that he's being unfaithful. I immediately thought he was as guilty as sin the minute I found the ribbon. I can't wait for him to be gone because I can't continue to live like this & as long as he's in addiction I'll never be able to trust him.

concentrate on you now and make sure you give yourself some new rules to live by - know what you are prepared to put up with and if you respect that then others will too.

good luck

Thanks again for your support HW. That's why I'm making him move out, the dc's & I need peace.