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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Don't know if this is the best place, but how do I start to deal with an (I thought) good friend sexually assaulting me?

42 replies

laylajane · 31/07/2009 18:49

Am a regular, but namechanged for this.
A friend of mine helped me move house a month ago. We had a drink to celebrate after a long day. Basically I was then raped. My dd was away for the weekend, with her father (thank goodness). I was bruised and sore for a good couple of weeks. Told no-one. Thought I had dealt with it in my mind.
Had to have a minor op this week - and woke up from the anaesthetic with terrible flashbacks. Can't sleep without flashbacks, can't seem to eat, don't know where this has come from.
I told someone at work yesterday but they seemed to freak. I haven't really dealt with it - are there people out there who can help? Is it the anaesthetic that's got me re-living it now?- when I thought I was ok...

OP posts:

Overmydeadbody · 31/07/2009 18:52

did you start a very similar thread a few weeks ago on this? I seem to remember it, you told a colleague and they didn't know how to react?

So sorry you are going through this.

Have you pressed charges?

Overmydeadbody · 31/07/2009 18:52

I think you should go to the police, actually.

StealthPolarBear · 31/07/2009 18:54

I think the police, definitely
I assume you were drinking at home?

scoutandjem · 31/07/2009 18:56

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. You have to tell the police as far as I know they will put you in touch with relevant people. Are you still with your dd's father, if so can you tell him? You need someone who you trust with you right now - mum or best friend?
S x

Original poster

laylajane · 31/07/2009 18:57

No - was not me (am v sorry it happened to someone else). I never mentioned it to anyone til yesterday.

I don't think I want to press charges. I just want to sort my head out.

OP posts:

scoutandjem · 31/07/2009 19:01

I think to sort your head out you need to talk to someone - not just here on mn but in RL. I can understand what you are going through as BF went through this some years ago.

She got through it with counselling and support from family and friends, plus seeing the bastard thrown in jail. She knew he deserved it and would probably do it to another girl otherwise. Surely there is someone you trust nearby?

Overmydeadbody · 31/07/2009 19:04

I can understand you may not want to press charges but you really should, at least if nothing else then to hopefully prevent this man raping any other women.

Don't let him get away with it.

Go to the police and also get specialist therapy. Otherwise it will haunt you for the rest of your life.

The other poster had an almost identical thing happen to her. I can't remember what came of the thread though.

Original poster

laylajane · 31/07/2009 19:06

I know MN is not ideal.
I do have good friends, but they already feel sorry for me for having dd "too young" (I was midtwenties!) and being a single mum so making career compromises that are well worth it for me but they perhaps can't see that.
Would the police find me someone to talk to without having to name names or go into details, does anyone know?
I went to GUM but they just did the physical stuff, swabs, etc, so at least I know that is ok.

OP posts:

FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 31/07/2009 19:07

www.rapecrisis.org.uk/

I also think that you need to talk to someone who knows what they are doing and can offer you real life support and help. Please contact rape crisis, they are not there to judge or tell you what to do but they can support you through this. Have a look at the link, if you feel like it's the right thing for you to do then email them or give them a call if you feel able to. You can move on from this, it doesn't define who you are or the rest of your life but you do need face to face support.

I really do wish you well and I hope you decide to do whatever it is that will help you get through this.

Original poster

laylajane · 31/07/2009 19:09

I think he will say, I had a drink, I wanted it? I was bleeding from everywhere for days afterwards. I should have gone then perhaps. I also had bite marks. Sorry if TMI.

Can't imagine telling the police now the evidence has gone. Two glasses of wine - if that - doesn't make it ok though? does it?

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 31/07/2009 19:10

thank you - rape crisis, what I was trying to think of
Glad the GUM stuff is OK. Did you also have a pg test?
Have you got family you can talk to? Is there a particular reason you don't want to go to the police?

scoutandjem · 31/07/2009 19:11

If you have good friends get the best of them round to your house now. You need support from someone you trust. They won't judge you, they will give you a hug and be there for you. What has happened has been a nightmare you can't deal with it alone.

Call 08451 221 331 got number from Yellow pages, rape and sexual abuse helpline.

StealthPolarBear · 31/07/2009 19:11

sorry x post but that was what I wondered.
I think that most rape victims have these mixed feelings and wonder if they are to blame in some way. If you explore this further it will help - he is the rapist!

Dior · 31/07/2009 19:13

What a dispicable man. How long had you known him and how did he try to justify it?

Def. go to the police, he needs to be away from society.

FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 31/07/2009 19:14

There is possible still scars so there may still be signs. Give rape crisis a call, they can really help. It doesn't matter if you had 2 glasses of wine or not, no means no. It sounds like it was traumatic, you really should be looked at. You can pop to your GP if you feel able to, they are great.

lou031205 · 31/07/2009 19:22

laylajane I don't normally post on these threads (no helpful experience), but please, please don't let what he may say prevent you from getting help.

Original poster

laylajane · 31/07/2009 19:24

Still have a bit of bruising on legs and arms. I think I will try the rape crisis people, thank you.

I have had terrible diarrhoea since, I don't know if that might have a reason, maybe just because I am stressed.

Am not pg, thankfully, can't imagine what people go through if they are. Still having unreasonable pain from minor op, I think that's all just emotional overlay though. Thank you all so much.

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 31/07/2009 19:25

can I just clarify that when I asked if you were drinking at home, I meant it was definitely him wasn't it? Just wanted to check it wasn't that you were out and maybe got split up??
Anyway, I am way out of my depth here, OP I really hope you go to the police or get the help you need but I am worried that my 'advice' is maybe making things worse

StealthPolarBear · 31/07/2009 19:26

hope you're over your OP soon too and the pain goes down

Rindercella · 31/07/2009 19:31

laylajane, what an awful, terrible thing to happen. I am so sorry and hope that you get the support and advice you need. MN will be a great place for you to vent if and when you need to, but yes, you need to get RL support too.

FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 31/07/2009 19:31

Sweetie, as it's Friday night, I suggest you go to the Police now if you can. It doesn't matter if it happened a month ago, they need to photograph your bruises and let their doctor have a look at you. Even if you don't want to take it any further, they will still have this evidence incase you change your mind in the future. They won't judge you, they will listen and give you some support. The bruises you have may not be there on Monday.
I can only imagine the pain that you went through if you are still bruised a month later, he shouldn't get away with this. I really do advise that you do something now, just so your bruises/injuries are recorded. You can go to the police at any time, you don't have to say his name if you don't want to, you don't even have to proceed with this but it is important that you are checked over (given an internal to check for any damage) and your bruises are photographed. They can offer you support straight away. Please think about this.

Original poster

laylajane · 31/07/2009 19:35

My 2 year old is fast asleep now. I am hearing what you are saying - I can imagine me saying it if roles were reversed. I just don't think I can handle anything where I have to describe what happened. Somehow I imagine some sort of counselling where I can work out my feelings without reliving things in the way that happens whenever I fall asleep - or it has done, since my general anaesthetic two days ago.

OP posts:

FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 31/07/2009 19:42

I'm really sorry to say that they are trained in this, they will take as long as you need but you do need to contact them so that they can record what injuries you have. I do feel heartless saying that but it will really help you should you wish to take this further in the future. Alot of assaults which are left are his word against hers, evidence can make such a difference and should you wish to see this tosser prosectued then it really will help. You don't need to decide to prosecute him now but you may feel differently in months time. If you call the police out they can arrange for someone to stay at home to care for your little one so she/he isn't disturbed.
Think about your options and what you would like to do. You can decide where to go, I'm just trying to make sure this avenue is availiable to you in the future.

lambanana · 31/07/2009 20:11

You physically sound as if you are in a bad way. Why not start by talking to the rape crisis team whilst your dd is in bed? After you have off loaded to them and they have advised you, you may feel in a different frame of mind and going to the police may be the next step.

Do not feel guilt in all of this. If you have bruises and other injuries then a level of force must have been used.

You are the victim here.

aleene · 01/08/2009 02:48

I am so sorry this has happened to you and you are having to deal with it .
You have had good advice here.
Has this man been in touch with you in the last month? Does he realise he has committed a crime?

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