Don't know if this is the best place, but how do I start to deal with an (I thought) good friend sexually assaulting me?

[laylajane]

Am a regular, but namechanged for this.
A friend of mine helped me move house a month ago. We had a drink to celebrate after a long day. Basically I was then raped. My dd was away for the weekend, with her father (thank goodness). I was bruised and sore for a good couple of weeks. Told no-one. Thought I had dealt with it in my mind.
Had to have a minor op this week - and woke up from the anaesthetic with terrible flashbacks. Can't sleep without flashbacks, can't seem to eat, don't know where this has come from.
I told someone at work yesterday but they seemed to freak. I haven't really dealt with it - are there people out there who can help? Is it the anaesthetic that's got me re-living it now?- when I thought I was ok...

Definitely get professional help. It took me almost 30 years to 'sort it out in my own head' before it finally(I hope)stopped haunting me.
Ask for help, accept help and don't try to shift the blame to yourself. It wasn't your fault.

I don't know where you are but if you are anywhere near a 'haven' centre ( rape centre, funded by police and nhs) ring them. The ones I know of are in south and east london, but the staff there are great and they do everything, away from the police station.

Check out homeoffice.co.uk/sexual assault referral centres and it gives you the location of all clinics all over the uk.

I hope you get to talk to someone who can help you soon and that you find the strength to report it. I'm sure some of the emotional healing will come when you start the reporting and counselling process.

op - this Is such a terrible abuse of your trust. I realy understand what you say about not wanting to go to the police about this.

Something similar happened to me about 3 years ago and I couldnt either. Somehow telling them and reliving it with them would have made it too real. I had also had a little to drink (only 2) but I was confused in my mind for weeks after thinking that he could twist things if he wanted to.

I think it is a realy hard thing to talk to with friends or family as I know they dont meen to but I felt it would make make them treat me differently. I didnt tell anyone for a year and it ate me up inside. I told my dp after we had been together a while and I knew I could trust him and that helped. He encoraged me to go to the police and they got me some counceling.

I dont think I regret not telling friends and family as I think for me I cannot stand to be thought of as a victim. What he did to me will always be with me but I dont want it to difine me. (sorry for the cheese!)
This way I found it an easyer thing to try to get over. I know in my mind that if im ever watching a film or tv program and theres a scene in it I am not comfortable watching I can leave the room without everyone knowing why I dont want to see it.

I would encorage you to go to the police tho, as one of the other posts said there may still be evidence and they can keep it on file for the future for you. They will also put you in touch with a rape councelor. I did this way too late but when I did I found it very helpfull to talk to someone who didnt know me and would never have to see again.

Sending you lots of support and hugs at this hard time, you will get through it and come out the other side.

I just wanted to say thank you for all the support. DD and I went to a friend's for the night last night, and though I didn't manage to talk about I am getting there in my mind. Thank you for sharing your stories. I have had some lovely MN times over the years, but this has even made me cry. Thank you.

Layla, you must report this. If only so that you can regain some sort of control over the situation. He's stripped you of that by violating you so horrifically.
Don't let him get away with this.

I can't even talk to my friends about it.
I don't know how to report it to a stranger.
I keep thinking of all the good things he did for me in the past and the fact that I have liked sex on the rougher side in the past. Not with him, not this rough, honestly, the pain and the bruises and the bleeding were terrible.
It was a gynae minor op and I think that's why I'm in such a state now.

unsurprisingly it sounds like you have a degree of post traumatic stress disorder. You've buried the ordeal and its coming to the fore now. Please try and talk to someone even if its over the phone. You've done really well writing it down and posting.

I think it is very common for women to blame themselves and to feel a lot of self-hatred in these situations.

To some extent, it might actually seem more bearable to imagine you did something wrong, than to think things like this can just happen to us in this world, and we have no control over them.

There is no excuse for what he did to you. You did nothing to provoke him or to cause him to do this to you.

It sounds like it was a very violent attack.

You feel powerless and terrified now because this man has exerted his will over you and hurt you terribly, and there was no way you could stop him.

If you report this - and it may actually be easier to talk to someone you don't know about it - it will help you to reclaim some of that power.

Having an op - even a minor one - involves putting yourself in someone else's hands and trusting them completely. It's no wonder it has brought on flashbacks and panic attacks, because it reminded you of what it is to feel powerless.

Telling someone what happened to you will help make this more bearable for you.

And yes, you have done really well to post about it here - just another step to telling someone in RL.

You might find these people helpful if you are in London, they are a specialist organisation set up to help victims of sexual assaults and rape.
SO sorry this has hapened to you. What an absolute shit this man must be to abuse your friendship like this.

You must report this, have you seen him since?

laylajane - I have only just read your post, and just wanted to add my support if possible. I also wanted to say - even if you don't report the rape (which you do not have to do), please try and find someone to talk to about it. I went for 6 years without telling anyone after my then-boyfriend raped me (also quite violent, lots of blood, some bruising etc), and ended up suicidal and very depressed, with frequent flashbacks, a few years ago. Luckily I have a very supportive partner now, and he persuaded me to go to the GP and be referred for counselling. It doesn't work for everyone, I know, but I found those 10 sessions (plus antidepressants) turned me around, to the point where I was able to almost forget what had happened to me. It's now 10 years since the rape (actually, think it's exactly 10 years next weekend, what a lovely thought), and I'm much, much better mentally than I ever was before. I can even call it 'rape' now, and accept that it WAS NOT MY FAULT, which is a big improvement!

I slightly regret not reporting my experience to the police, but know there was no way I could have done at the time - however, I do really regret not talking to someone about it sooner. If you want some annonymous support, there are some rape support groups on yahoo groups, which I also found extremely useful - I don't want to search for them and link just now as my colleagues have a nasty tendency to read what I'm doing over my shoulder - but rapevictims and rapesurvivors recovery were both useful for me. A bit too religious and American at times, but still useful.

Hope you're not feeling too awful just now, and you find the support you need soon.

There is a blog post here which you might find helpful. People who are sensitive and uncomfortabl about the issue of rape might find it upsetting to read (words only, no pictures, no graphic descriptions but still, if you find the subject distressing then avoid).

Powerful stuff, solid. Glad I read that.

Thank you SGB.
A lot of that rang true.

I am planning to ring the local helpline I found through rapecrisis and tell a couple of friends. Meanwhile, we are back in the place (our new house, but rented thankfully) where I was when it happened and the flashbacks are worse. I can't sleep. I am so tired. I might have to e-mail it to my friends - I don't know if I can say it out loud to them. Sorry if I am going on. The support here counts for a lot.