DH just apologised for standing in the street screaming at me that i was a whore, in front of dcs

[feelingreallysadrightnow]

DH has a temper, he is shouty. He is supposed to be working on it but is stressed and not doing so wellBut i think today crossed the line to totally unforgivable.

DD had a tantrum while out, a really bad one (temper runs in his family i think) so dh decided to put her outside car and pretend/start to drive off. This was next to a fast road (40mph dual carriageway)

I got out and strapped her in carseat, she was still screaming but was safe. DH was cross i had not supported him (i understand the sentiment but he was being silly and it was dangerous) He started shouting at me and criticising my parenting, so i got out of car and walked off

He drove off then came back, i said i wasnt going to get in if he was still talking like that, so he said fine walk home but take the kids

So i took buggy out boot strapped DS in and got DD, then he changed his mind and said he wanted ds annd this was dd's punishment for tantrumming, I wanted both kids as it was clear he was far from calm. As i wouldnt let DS go he starting screaming, still on busy road, at me calling me all names under the sun, A whore, a fucking bitch, a slag and just kept screaming give me my son

I was shocked, it was so crazy and surreal. We all came home in car as i didnt want to split the kids up am currently not speaking to dh

He just came and apologised for 'saying nasty things' but I am just left here thinking wtf?? and i cant believe he would do that, ity is just so humiliating. I was hoping at the time someone would call the police so i could just take kids it was that scary

"I dont want to decide what to do yet"

Why can't you decide to protect your children now?

He's not going to.

"he is going to get back to me with his opinions"

It's not up to him, it's up to YOU.

What are you going to do if he says "no"?

"has been drinking tonnes of red bull and taking pro plus and not sleeping for days and driving 1000s of miles"

The above includes not letting him drive the DCs again, then.

I'm sorry he's put you through this but now YOU must take control.

Does he scream abuse at his boss? Does he yell at his mates? Does he call his mother a whore? Or is it just you and the the kids? If so, it's not an anger issue, it's a control/abuse issue.

ok, tbh if this thread goes on like this i may well leave it be

yes he does loose his temper with other people, not his boss but with his mum amnd occassionally friends

as i said if i gave the actual reason as to why i would loose my name change anonimity (sp?) but there is a compelling reason as to why we both need to be at home this week, we are just staying far apart

i spoke to him and said i didnt want to be interupted or any answers at that point i wanted him to properly consider everything i said and get back to me with his own plan of action, i didnt want him just making empty promises but if he is say going to go to the drs for him to actually have at least got an appointement, phoned a helpline or whatever

the driving is work related, he doesnt drive like that with me or the kids (prob not that it makes it better but i do feel his work is to blame for this also, i just wish he could say no but having been made redundant and taking on this less well paid job as we need to eat and pay the bills while he looks for a 'proper job' is hard)

thanks

Hi feelingreally

Stick around, hang in there and be tough. Just remember that you haven't instigated any of this and nor has your dd. Its really good that you can see where his behaviours have been learned from.

Its important for you to be able to see that.

There obviously is a valid reason for there needing to be an amnesty this week between you and you have done the best that you can by speaking to him and showing him that you are capable of being in control of relationship issues.

Protect your children and yourself. Be strong and see the situation for the reality that it is. Don't try to fool yourself - you are not one.

When does your "week" end. When are you going to act?

Please stay and try and listen to what people are saying - everyone is concerned for you and your DC. I know how hard it must be for you, but I have an inkling you know deep down that you are getting sound advice here - it just hurts like hell to hear it.

Keep posting and please try and talk to someone in RL about it. Once it is 'out there' it may well goad you into action. Ignore what your MIL has said. She's talking bollocks & trying to protect her son (by blaming her 3 year old DGD!!!).

feelingsad - having read this thread and felt very sad for you I feel I cannot leave without leaving you a post. Only you truly know what goes on in your day to day live and whilst you can ask for advice from others, they do not live your life IYSWIM and we do not know what other factors are going on,

I do know that if my DP had EVER done that to my DDs he would be out the door end of. My DD2 is a tantrum in a small body and would try the patience of a saint, I have sat in a car for 30 mins being screamed at, kicked, scratched etc just because I wanted to put her in her car seat but I am the adult and she is 3 years old, 3 yos have tantrums, is she going to grow up living in fear and learning to be a good girl for fear of Daddy's temper? What will happen when she is a cheeky 5 year old, or a willful 9 year old or a teenager and has an argument with her Dad? And what of your son? Is he going to grow up thinking it is OK for women to be scared of men?

I think you have responsibility to protect your children first and foremost, I can understand your DH is under a lot of stress and it's a hard time for him but it does not excuse his behaviour, until HE and HE alone understands it is unacceptable and seeks help for it then I fear for you all.

I do wish you the best and hope that be does get help and you get through this.

Hi OP

Thanks for getting back to us. I know its really hard to take the first steps toward ending / changing a relationship. Just remind yourself you deserve more. Well done for speaking to your husband.

Good luck with the next steps and please keep us posted if you can - we're concerned about you.

I just wanted to say, having not read all of the thread, that maybe there is a good chance he can get some help over this?

You say that he went to the drs before but nothing really happened because he hadn't done anything - so that seems to me like he was willing to accept that he had a problem? If he goes back and explains that his realtionship is going to break down and that he is concerned about the affects on his kids then maybe he will get more help? Maybe he needs to push the issue himself or try seeing another GP who would take this seriously.

I know that alot of the responses are that you should just leave him but I understand that it so easy to say when you are not in this situation.

I have a bad, very occasionally violent temper (I have thrown things and once kicked my DP) that i work very hard at controlling. I do this for the sake of my DS, my DP and for my own sanity. If i felt I was losing it to the extent your DH seems to be, I would not stop until i got some help to get myself right.

Your DH could be suffering, i'm not trying to make excuses I think what he did was unforgiveable, but this could be a sign of depression - a mental illness that he might be able to get help with.

I hope whatever you decide it all works out for the sake of your DC's.

feelingsad have you thought about immediately separating on a temporary basis while he sorts himself out rather than staying together while he sorts himself out~it will give him a strong message,give you some self respect/confidence and keep you all safe and give you some distance,
hope you are ok
xx

feelingreally, I know this thread must be very tough to read. I know you feel very criticized. But hang in there, fight the temptation to minimize what your H did. It really was bad, you know. I think you did the right thing in the moment and I know you´re looking for the right course of action now.

Tbh, if your H isn´t so appalled by his own actions that he´s already marched himself off to find a solution (without you having to push him), then I don´t have a huge amount of hope that he gets how out of order he is.

Fellingreallysadrightnow ,

how are you doing?

Yes, I'm thinking of you too, feelingreally.

Feelingreally - I just wanted to say - that the one thing that stuck out for me in your posts is when you said that you thought things might get better, because your H isn't going abroad for a while.

When I was in a relationship like this, I was always finding a reason why things might get better... it'll be better after we've found a flat, flat hunting is stressful... if we could just get to our holiday, we both need a break... if we can get past this stage at work...

Nothing changed his anger. All I could do in the end was remove myself from it.

Just read the entire thread. OP - if you ever come back, to add to the whole ream of advice already here, I grew up with someone who could lose their temper like a flick of a switch. It was utterly terrifying and soul destroying and fucks kids up.

So you MIL thinks that your 3 year old baby should have been good and not set him off. As someone else says up the thread, pack him off back to his mother's. Twats like this don't change.

Please don't let him use caffeine as an excuse fgs. I work 11 hour days and exist on tea, coffee and proplus. I don't kick my kids out of a car and call my partner all the names under the sun.

And if it is a genuine anger problem, he will kick off at everyone, work, friends, random people, boss etc. If it is just you and your children, he is an abuser.

If I was in your shoes I don't think I could forgive this.

Hi, I dont often post on here, just very occasionally. Why oh why would you defend a man that has called you those names. Treated your child like that. I have been in your situation and believe me it never gets better. Take your kids and tell him to get the f out. simple as that, Who does he think he is!!!!