DH just apologised for standing in the street screaming at me that i was a whore, in front of dcs

[feelingreallysadrightnow]

DH has a temper, he is shouty. He is supposed to be working on it but is stressed and not doing so wellBut i think today crossed the line to totally unforgivable.

DD had a tantrum while out, a really bad one (temper runs in his family i think) so dh decided to put her outside car and pretend/start to drive off. This was next to a fast road (40mph dual carriageway)

I got out and strapped her in carseat, she was still screaming but was safe. DH was cross i had not supported him (i understand the sentiment but he was being silly and it was dangerous) He started shouting at me and criticising my parenting, so i got out of car and walked off

He drove off then came back, i said i wasnt going to get in if he was still talking like that, so he said fine walk home but take the kids

So i took buggy out boot strapped DS in and got DD, then he changed his mind and said he wanted ds annd this was dd's punishment for tantrumming, I wanted both kids as it was clear he was far from calm. As i wouldnt let DS go he starting screaming, still on busy road, at me calling me all names under the sun, A whore, a fucking bitch, a slag and just kept screaming give me my son

I was shocked, it was so crazy and surreal. We all came home in car as i didnt want to split the kids up am currently not speaking to dh

He just came and apologised for 'saying nasty things' but I am just left here thinking wtf?? and i cant believe he would do that, ity is just so humiliating. I was hoping at the time someone would call the police so i could just take kids it was that scary

sorry to be blunt but I think his anger issues sound like they are bordering on mental illness.

He absolutely must, must seek help, or he is not safe to be around his kids.

It's all very well to say he is not violent, but anyone who is in a state of mind where they think it's acceptable to leave an unattended 3 yo in a blind panic beside a busy road is not normal. It doesn't matter that he didn't actually drive off - she was outside the car, unrestrained, and he was inside. What would he have done if she'd just bolted into the road?

In your shoes I would give him an ultimatum - seek help (and I mean properly seek it) or seek another place to live.

feelingreallysadrightnow, hope your feeling better this morning,
hercules1 said in her post that she wishes her mother had left her dad sooner, as I said my mother hasn't left my dad, but I have spent my life wishing her to stand up to him,
even now our relationship is strained because she won't stand up to him, she says she does,
but any time he thinks he has pushed it too far thats when he will say to her I don't know how you put up with me, and that is it all is forgiven,

I was coming on this morning to tell you to sit him down and be firm that he needs help, your children are never to witness behaviour like that again and stand up to him
Noone ever stood up to my father so he always thought he was right, I stood up to him once and told him to stop shouting and he grabbed a chair and banged it on the floor so hard he broke it!
Then as I said before the last time I decided his behaviour was out of order was the day after my dd was born and I told my mum that he was not seeing me or his grandchildren until he apologised that was 2 years and 8 months ago! and he still thinks he has done nothing wrong!

but now you've found the escort agency stuff I don't know what to say, I hope you find away through this

does he drink or take drugs

my h behaved like this when he was addicted to cannabis and prescription painkillers.

the second time I kicked him out.

THEN he realsied how unacceptable his behavious was,

Im so sorry for you, it is such a shock to be treated like this. Try to take one small step at a time. You need to tell him ( if you cant leave him now) that the very next time he does anythng like that you will call the police and have him removed. And mean it.

and plan where and how you will go if necessary

good luck

I found this so upsetting to read.

He needs help. Stress won't just go away. He should see his GP immediately and get time off.

I would rather be broke than live with someone prepared to put their children at risk like that.

Good God, I am speechless

And in tears

I have nothing to add to all the good advice except you cannot live like this

feelingreallysad i have been where you are right now, dh and i had a very similar bust up at the start of the year and even though he did not put my dc in danger they witnessed things that i never ever wanted them to see/hear.

dh had a lot of issues going back years and had/has a terrible anger problem. most of the time he is a gem and the best dad/husband you could wish for but when the switch gets flicked he turns into another person.

after it happened i waited for him to calm down then told him he would be leaving, i explained how much i loved him but i could not live with this "third person" in our marrage. he tried all the usual grovelling etc but i stuck to my guns and told him if we had any future he had to get help and sort himself out.

he went to the doctor the next day and luckily for his started getting councelling through his work right away. it was 8 weeks before i let him move back in and 6 months down the line he is still seeing a doctor.

he finds it so much easier to control his temper now, its not perfect but when things get to much he drops what he is doing and walks away from the situation.

i hope to god we do manage to stay together, the dc and i both adore him and i want to grow old with him but he knows that what he did was unacceptable and even though i dont want to end up a single parent i am not afraid to become one.

please give him the kick up the arse that he needs to get help for himself, if he is unwilling to do it then its time to pack up and start over with your dc.

I'm really sorry to hear this appalling OP.

It's normal on MN to be told to go for counselling, relate and see your GP etc but I personally just think 'get rid' in 99% of these situations.

I just don't see how people can be counselled out of being vile, abusive bastards.

Look at all the horrible criminals reported on daily in the newspapers - did they just not get to relate in time?

Sorry but I'm cynical about the value of such services when dealing with crises like this.

However OP should definitely seek counselling for herself to help her cope with whatever she has to deal with next. But this should be for her, not for him. He needs to sort himself out.

hows it going feelingreallysadrightnow?

does he know what youve found on his computer?i cant offer computer advice-im rubbish!

Just another person growing up with a father like this here. He began to manipulate me later on (I'm the oldest) with expensive presents but also used me as a sounding board about their relationship problems. I was well aware at the time that the gifts were a 'keep your mouth shut' message. All while treating my mother & the family generally like shit. As a teenager, I was monumentally screwed up.

We walked on eggshells round him for most of my childhood. I am only recently becoming aware of how destructive he is - had denied things until I saw my nearly 3 year old's reaction to one of his tantrums & remembered my own feelings from childhood. We have not been back since, that was 2 years ago. I was 32.

Your husband is not thinking of the children's best interests, he (for whatever reasons) has unrealistic expectations of them & he is failing in his duty to protect them from danger. When you rightly challenged him, he physically removed your son from your arms so was prepared to potentially hurt another child to win his point against you. He is using your normal parental love & protection to control you & the children. He knows that you will back down from him to protect them.

DO you want to raise children with this man? You have the responsibility & the maturity & the love for your children to see that this isn't right. Does he have any respect for you & your children?

Only you can answer those questions. I send you huge amounts of support & thoughts in going through this. Womens Aid can help. Samaritans can too, just to offload.

I think you need one.

Feelingreallysadrightnow, hugs and support from me too. I was so shocked to read your OP, and can totally see how you couldn't believe it was for real either.

How are things going now with you?

What matters most in all this is the babies because they are defenceless and they learn all the time, from everything they see/hear. If your DH carries on like this then your son will learn that's how men/fathers/husbands should be, and become like his dad and his grandad and his uncle. How would you feel if your son grew up thinking it was OK to call you a whore? Your daughter will learn to accept/expect this violent disrespect from men and one day may well be in the horrendous situation you yourself are in and think it's "normal".

This is NOT normal behaviour! Stress, caffeine and work are EXCUSES not underlying causes. He has already put your kids in danger. Leaving a panicking 3 yrs old by a busy road is dangerous and wrong! Doesn't matter if he never meant to drive off, the wee girl was alone&scared outside the car near traffic that could have killed her.

Maybe you feel able to live with someone who flips into rages unpredictably, who calls you a whore and who looks for escorts online. Maybe that's ok for you, it's your love your life your choice. But your babies CAN'T CHOOSE. They need you to choose for them.

Think of how you would like them to grow up and then start acting towards that. When things get sad, confusing, lonely and everything seems impossible - try to think of how you want your kids to be at age 5, 9, 17, 44, whatever. I'm not saying the only way is to leave him. Maybe GP / counselling / Relate will help. But you need to make sure this kind of behaviour doesn't become normal, because it isn't.

Sorry if this was long winded but I have seen too many women put up with violence in the name of peaceful living. It won't go away by ignoring it, it'll end up destroying your happiness and your children's happiness too.

Really feel for you. Let us know how it goes. Think that so many people are reading your words and sending you solidarity.

protect your children.

holy mother of god - i cant believe any man would put a panicking three year old on her own next to a dual carraigeway. I have been accused of having a temper but jesus. Of course he just switches off. He is an abuser - its in his makeup. Please god for the sake of your children get out.

just finished reading thread,
i was in a abusive relationship and as soon as my ex treated my children the way he did he was out! (also controlled and bullied me but kid's come first and foremost).it won't get better you know.

Feelingreallysadrightnow - hope you are ok?

Keep posting if you can because everyone is on your side no matter what.

Best wishes.

OP are you ok? Please keep posting, a lot of people here are thinking of you.

Feelingreallysad

Everyone's said it all, very sad. Thinking of you.

Keep posting and let us know how you and your dcs are doing.

I didnt want to not post as i know how irritating it can be when the op just leaves a thread

However not much has happened here, i spoke to dh mentioning a trial seperation etc and he is going to get back to me with his opinions

For reasons that i cant explain for fear of unmasking my name change nothing can happen this week so we are just continuing in routrione this week far apart, dh isnt due to work abroad so should be far less tired and calmer and i am taking the kids out for most of the day so we are well out of each others way

I have had a good read of the womens aid website and taken all the revelant info, but i do seem to have a slightly diff prob in with dh it is an 'anger' issue and is not about control iyswim. If someone else had been there he would have been equally angry with them

I also spoke to mil (my fil is dead)and she was very cross about what happened but did place some blame on dd which irritated me but makes it much clearer in my head how this behaviour has developed, as she sees it as 'oh you know what he is like, dd should be a good girl and do what she is told' (which of course she should) but dh and dh alone is responsible for his actions. So if he is going to change it needs to be a massive rethink of the values he was brought up with.

So dh has some time now to decide on how he wants to handle it, i have promised to listen fully to him (as he did me) and together we will decide how to progress, i think that a seperation for a trial period while he demonstrates this will prob be the wayy to go rather than getting divorced immediately.

your call obviously but all far too REASONABLE.

he is being controlling by the way- by getting enraged and sounding off/punishing whomever is the target of his anger, he's hoping they'll be scared into submission.

that is controlling.

it really isn't a different problem that what is outlined on womens aid. you need to accept the nature of this problem... only then will you begin to take the appropriate measures

Just read OP and a couple of posts - Good God .

He sounds like a fucking lunatic. Your children are going to be completely messed up with this kind of parenting you know. Driving off while leaving by the roadside....what the...I am so shocked. You need to get the hell out of there and bring your poor children with you.

While HE gets back to you with his options?

You pack his bags and send him to his mothers. End of.

feelingreallysad - glad you have sat down and talked with dh and made him listen. But do take care.

Anger is a form of control, btw, as blinks says. He got you back into the car, didn't he? And forced ds out of your arms?

Just read your last post - your MIL response is actually sickening.

I don't understand why he is getting back to you with options? what does this mean?

I don't think you realise how serious this is tbh. Sorry.

"dd should be a good girl and do what she is told' (which of course she should)" She is 3 why should she be conditioned to behave out of fear of making her father angry - that is control and it is sad that even mil can see it but turn it round so it is not his "fault" iyswim. Maybe she should take some responsibitly too. The danger is over time it will somehow become your fault and you won't be able to make the distinction. Sorry he either gets help now - working on it alone isn't enough clearly - or you take a break. This is way beyond "saying nasty things" and the humiliation of that incident.

Oh so MIL blames the child that explains everything. There's single mum bashing going on the other thread but the real scum are mums who enable their abusive sons. I hope you get rid of the tosser and his "mum".