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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH just apologised for standing in the street screaming at me that i was a whore, in front of dcs

119 replies

feelingreallysadrightnow · 29/07/2009 23:22

DH has a temper, he is shouty. He is supposed to be working on it but is stressed and not doing so wellBut i think today crossed the line to totally unforgivable.

DD had a tantrum while out, a really bad one (temper runs in his family i think) so dh decided to put her outside car and pretend/start to drive off. This was next to a fast road (40mph dual carriageway)

I got out and strapped her in carseat, she was still screaming but was safe. DH was cross i had not supported him (i understand the sentiment but he was being silly and it was dangerous) He started shouting at me and criticising my parenting, so i got out of car and walked off

He drove off then came back, i said i wasnt going to get in if he was still talking like that, so he said fine walk home but take the kids

So i took buggy out boot strapped DS in and got DD, then he changed his mind and said he wanted ds annd this was dd's punishment for tantrumming, I wanted both kids as it was clear he was far from calm. As i wouldnt let DS go he starting screaming, still on busy road, at me calling me all names under the sun, A whore, a fucking bitch, a slag and just kept screaming give me my son

I was shocked, it was so crazy and surreal. We all came home in car as i didnt want to split the kids up am currently not speaking to dh

He just came and apologised for 'saying nasty things' but I am just left here thinking wtf?? and i cant believe he would do that, ity is just so humiliating. I was hoping at the time someone would call the police so i could just take kids it was that scary

OP posts:
kitkatqueen · 30/07/2009 00:07

Agree with piscesmoon, He needs help, you all do. Because this needs to either be nipped in the bud now or it IS going to escalate. He needs a reality check and I'm afraid you are going to have to provide it.

20-20 hindsight is wonderful I know however I think if I had been been at the side of the road with a partner behaving like a lunatic and frightening me and my children I would have called the police myself.

Please don't try to ignore what has happened or to try to pretend that it didn't. Re-read your op again. Look in the face what has happened - I agree with the poster who said it wasn't the 1st thing he's done, if nothing else there will have been signs and it will escalate.

I'm sorry this has happened to you and your children. It is down to you to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Good Luck.

Original poster
feelingreallysadrightnow · 30/07/2009 00:10

PLUMBUMMUM
thats part of the prob, my fil used to have a temper, my bils do so i do think that dh opininon of normal is a bit 'out'

It was just so humiliating

I cant kick him out he would never leave, i would have to go and i want my kids with me whatever happens

OP posts:
cheesesarnie · 30/07/2009 00:11

feelingreallysadrightnow try to sleep(hard i know) and try to gather your thoughts in the next few days.its shocking as a stranger to hear what happened so i cant begin to imagine what kind of state you are in.you know were all here if and when you want to talk.

GypsyMoth · 30/07/2009 00:14

Er referred WHERE?? Cheesesarnie? Where can a man like this be referred too.

I was in a similiar situation. My ex was the same. Best thing I ever did was to leave cos as our kids got older and started to answer back, well, you can imagine I bet!! No point hanging around to see what he'll do next is there?

kitkatqueen · 30/07/2009 00:23

feeling,

You are right he is a product of his fathers upbringing. His children will be too.

Its is his concept of "ok Behaviour" that is wrong - not yours - remember that. Why would leaving mean leaving him with your kids??

You take the kids with you...

Alambil · 30/07/2009 00:29

there are ways and means of getting violent people out of the family home

there are ways of MAKING him leave and having access to the children when he is stable

He is volatile, violent and unpredictable (redbull, driving thousands of miles, not sleeping - not conducive to stable mental health)

0808 2000 247 - they will know all the options, legal, practical, moral... they will not pressure you to do anything you don't want to do, but they will support you every step of the way

Think long and slow about this... the "what if's" really need to be taken into account here

SolidGoldBrass · 30/07/2009 01:25

Yes, he can be made to leave. He can be physically removed from the house by the police, locked up and forbidden to return. DOn't ever lose hold of that thought when dealing with a violent wanker like this, he is NOT entitled to mistreat you and his children, and no matter what he says or claims (that he will throw you out, get custody, bankrupt you, have you put in a mental home...) it's all bullshit. Violent men forfeit the rights that ordinary non-violent people have. Violent men lose the right to relationships with their partners, to live in the same house as their children, and may lose their liberty too.
ANd it serves them right.

hayes · 30/07/2009 01:49

a horrible experience. Contact Woman' Aid for advice. My hubby has had to work 2 damn hard jobs and cope with a busy household of 5 kids and he has never or would never behave in that way. Hop-e it works out for you

MissSunny · 30/07/2009 02:11

Message withdrawn

MissSunny · 30/07/2009 02:15

Message withdrawn

knotswapper · 30/07/2009 02:27

I'm afraid this would be a deal breaker for me. I wouldn't trust him again and never feel confident to leave him alone with the DC.

How truly horrible for you . How is your DD now?

HolyGuacamole · 30/07/2009 02:37

missunny - there is a history of bad temper, being shouty and the DH working on it (which would point to there having been discussions regarding his temper before, otherwise why would he need to work on it?). There is also a history of the DH coming from a family environment himself where this is normal.

There is a world of difference between having a one off episode of red mist (which happens to us all) and leaving a 3 year old child on the busy street pretending to drive off, taking a complete berky, then calling his wife "a whore, a fucking bitch and a slag" in the middle of a street Good fathers do not humiliate the mothers of their children in this way - regardless.

If a particular behaviour is a trend, then there is a likliehood that the trend will indeed continue or in a lot of cases, get worse.

Something that is inherent (if it is inherent) in a persons personality cannot readily be changed.

posieparkerinChina · 30/07/2009 03:13

Relate have some really good links with organisations for men with tempers it may be worthwhile looking at their website or giving them a call.

Rindercella · 30/07/2009 06:23

It is truly awful what he did. Putting your DD in danger, grabbing your DS off you. Screeching at you in front of your DC, in the middle of the street. All of it totally unacceptable.

You said in an earlier post that you couldn't tell anyone about this in RL. Maybe if you did, it would make it more real, and that would be for the better? By keeping this behaviour a 'secret' just condones it really. I understand that's a pretty scary thing to do right now, but your H's behaviour in unacceptable and something needs to be done before it spirals totally out of control.

I hope you get the advice and support you need.

hercules1 · 30/07/2009 06:48

I grew up with a father who had a temper like this. It was only when I was in my twenties did my mother leave him. I have lots of memories like your original post.
I wish to god my mother had left when we were babies instead of subjecting our whole childhood lives to a wanker like that.

Thankfully I havent seen him for nearly 20 years.

hercules1 · 30/07/2009 06:49

No gp or saying sorry (he didnt as he never believed he was in the wrong) would have made a jot of difference.

MmeLindt · 30/07/2009 07:22

This is one of the most horrific OPs that I have read on MN.

He put your child in danger.

That is the breaking point for me.

Yes, the screaming at you was unacceptable and humiliating and frightening. But you are an adult and have the ability to DO something to change the situation.

Your children are helpless against their bullying abusive father.

I don't think you should be packing your bags, but he needs an ultimatum. Either he cuts back on work, and the stimulants and gets some proper counselling (not just a halfhearted visit to the GP) or he had to go.

PollyLogos · 30/07/2009 07:32

I think that you need to start planning your future. Not necessarily to leave now but you must get out once you have made arrangements.

Why? Because living in this enviroment your son will think this is how fathers/husbands behave and your daughter will believe this is the best she can hope for and that she just has to accept this sort of relationship.

Get out, let him sort himself out and then if you both want to you can try to build a new relationship.

Be strong.

Laquitar · 30/07/2009 07:54

'it was so humiliating''.

I 'm afraid it is more than humiliating.
Your children are at risk. Emotionally and physically. Even if he doesn't harm them directly (yet) he could kill them with the way he drives. And he damages them emotionally.
Please take all the information the other posters give you and plan your exit very carefully.

Your situation is not 'humiliating'. It is dangerous.

Original poster
feelingreallysadrightnow · 30/07/2009 08:57

Thanks for all the advice last night

I got up this morning and reealised that it prob would be a good idea to clear the history on my laptop, all our comps are linked in some sort of network so i cleared the history as suggested on womens aid page

I then went on dhs laptop (he is asleep) and looked at his history to see if he could access my comp that way (dont think so) and it appears he spent yesterday searching escort services in local area, there are about 20 websites visited

I really dont understand him now and have lost most of my respect for him. This is really out of character

If anyone knows anything about rremote access of a comp and thinks that clearing my history wont cover me pls let me know

OP posts:
Rindercella · 30/07/2009 09:06

Oh fuck. This is really bad feelingreallysad.

Firstly, one of the things you will need to do is get rid of any suspicious (to your H)cookies stored as those can be a give away. You can either do this by:

In IE go to Tools >> Internet Options >> General Tab >> Browsing History / Delete... >> Delete Cookies / history and hit the delete buttons.

Next you will also need to delete these from the recycle bin stored on your desktop.

Tortington · 30/07/2009 09:11

clear you cookies

Original poster
feelingreallysadrightnow · 30/07/2009 09:12

Just found the recycling bin and it lists 0 items already so i hope that works

Am supposed to be going to playgroup this morning, dont feel up to it but was planning to use the time to get some info as i can go out all morning with no suspicion but then realised dd would probably blurt it out that we didnt go to playgroup

OP posts:
Original poster
feelingreallysadrightnow · 30/07/2009 09:13

have deleted all internet hist options through 'tools' in internet explorer

OP posts:
seaturtle · 30/07/2009 09:17

OP- please listen to these people. What he did is NOT, NEVER OK xxxx

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