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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why do i have 2 do everything

33 replies

gembobs · 15/07/2009 12:53

Last night my DH slept from 9.30 till we went bed and i was left 2 look after baby and the cat n dog, then baby wouldn't settle for 2 hours from 5.30am it was left 2 me 2 do it DH just slept as he had 2 b early 4 an interview but we when i wanted 2 get up early yesterday he didn't come off his computer till 4.00am, he has now took DC's out 2 someone's house where i ave never been but he always does that so i am used to it but if i want 2 take DC's 2 someones house i am not allowed as he aint there.

This morning he went out and left me 2 look after the 2 DC's and then he came home amd completely ignored me and then he wanted 2 take DC's out, i don't mind i get some peace n rest but it was just they i was treated.

We have started 2 argue alot (both start), i don't like arguing because of the DC's but i just feel so tired and at the moment i feel so low.

OP posts:

Theworldsbiggestdoughnut · 15/07/2009 13:19

Sorry? You are not allowed to take YOUR dc to someones house because he is not there?

My exh was like this. He was very controlling. Your dh is treating you very badly. Obviously it appears to him that you are some kind of servant who is there to look after his kids. I am not surprised you are arguing quite frankly.

I don't know what to say because I didn't leave my ex for ages and he was very like this. Would he be open to you talking to him about all this or does he get angry when you try to?

If you want advice I would get rid but I didn't take that advice for a long time so I feel a bit silly dishing it out.

SecretSlattern · 15/07/2009 13:24

DH is a bit like this wrt taking the dcs to people's houses he has never met. I kind of understand what he is getting at but it does make me question whether or not he thinks I would put them at risk. I often say to him, just because he hasn't been there, doesn't mean that I am incapable of making the judgement as to whether or not is ok for them.

Having said that though, DH wouldn't do that to me, take them somewhere I'd never been too so it kind of cancels it out. It's not because I make a fuss, more because that is what he expects of me. What I'm trying to say is that your OH is being unreasonable in that he has a rule for you but then pleases himself by doing the thing that you aren't "supposed" to.

You do need to have it out with him and again, I am not surprised you are arguing as you are.

whoisasking · 15/07/2009 13:26

I'm so sorry, but what?

Original poster

gembobs · 15/07/2009 13:27

If i talk 2 him about it yes he gets angry then tries 2 make it i am in the wrong.

My family have been telling me 4 ages 2 leave him but i love him and i know we can be happy.

I feel nobody talks 2 me anymore not even my family it is only mums on here that talk 2 me.

OP posts:

LuluMaman · 15/07/2009 13:32

so you have 4 children and he ignores you and argues with you and does not let you take the children out alone

you are isolated, from friends and family and your family do not like him

you say you know you can be happy, but you are not happy right now

he sounds very controlling and i don't thikn that is something you can change

rubyslippers · 15/07/2009 13:34

i don't think you can be happy unless things radically change

sorry - he is controlling

trying to make everything your fault is not the sign of a good commincator/partner

he stays on the computer until 4 am

he ignored you today

it is not surprising you feel low

what good things does he do for you/your children?

Original poster

gembobs · 15/07/2009 13:46

I know we have just had a baby 7 weeks ago and the sleepless nights aint helping but i just want 2 b happy and stop arguing, more the arguments.

DH aint coming bac till 4pm so by that time i will b upset n a bit peed off as i would of started 2 miss my DC's so much and then it will b a rush as it will b teatime, then bath and then bed.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 15/07/2009 13:58

You can't be happy with this tosser, sorry. He has no respect for you at all, he thinks that you are just a 'woman' and therefore he is your boss/owner and can do what he likes with you.
Contact CAB or WOmen's AId for some legal advice on getting rid of him.

LuluMaman · 15/07/2009 14:07

does he take all the children out including the 7 week old??

where is he going?

Original poster

gembobs · 15/07/2009 14:17

He takes all the children out including baby, he goes 2 his friends house who r mainly women, yes i have jealousy issues but y should other women get 2 c my children wen i aint there or can't b with my children.

OP posts:

LuluMaman · 15/07/2009 14:19

why is he taking the children out? is it to give you a break?

i am not sure i would like my 7 week old to be away from me for hours at a time, TBH, even if with my DH.. especially if he is at another woman's house

this sounds odd. i know it is great for him to be helpful, but it jsut doesn't quite ring true

i'm dubious about his motives

LuluMaman · 15/07/2009 14:20

why can;t you go out as a family?

why is he not at work?

Original poster

gembobs · 15/07/2009 14:22

LuLuMaman, my 1st 2 DS's r adopted 2 another family but i still put them down as part of my family.

OP posts:

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 15/07/2009 14:24

This doesn't sound right or good.

NotPlayingAnyMore · 15/07/2009 14:28

"but i love him and i know we can be happy."

When?

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 15/07/2009 14:31

What is the baby being fed on?

Original poster

gembobs · 15/07/2009 14:31

I wanted him 2 take the 7 week old out as i wanted some rest but i only found out after he left that it will b 4 hours till he is due back, i am not happy.

We don't do family stuff unless it is booked a week or 2 in advance. He doesn't work as he is slightly paralysed down his right side, more like an excuse, i want 2 go 2 work will go 2morrow if i had somewhere.

OP posts:

LuluMaman · 15/07/2009 14:32

even so, why is he taking your 2 children out when you are not comfortable with it?

why is he not at work and why don;t you go out as a family?

why were your other 2 children adopted?> are they his children?

has there been violence ?

LuluMaman · 15/07/2009 14:33

why does he have to stay out for 4 hours?

i don;t get this at all

you are clearly unhappy with what is going on

why do you want to be with him,when he pays so little regard to your needs?

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 15/07/2009 14:35

What are you feeding the baby on?

This man is controlling you and taking you for a fool imo.

Original poster

gembobs · 15/07/2009 14:35

We give him bottles when i want husband 2 have him 4 a bit wen baby is hungry then i feed him wen i can but most of the time he is with me so can ave the breast.

OP posts:

LuluMaman · 15/07/2009 14:37

are you expressing milk ? four + hours between breastfeeds is going to wreck your supply if you don't keep pumping ...

but the major issue is the fact he is treating you badly and you are upset

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 15/07/2009 14:37

So is he feeding him formula when he takes him from you?

Original poster

gembobs · 15/07/2009 14:51

My other 2 r his children, it is long n complicated y they r adopted. There has been violence on both parts i totally admit i am wrong 4 being like that but ss agree that because of my own abusive chidhood it is sort of normal, he plays down his violence saying he only retaliates which aint true.

I was going 2 go 4 a nap but i can't as i am missing kids.

OP posts:

LuluMaman · 15/07/2009 14:53

this is not healthy

you have lsot two children and he is abusive.

you have been abusive too

your children are going to play out those same patterns and roles

am not surprised your family won't talk to you

you have to make steps to be strong and get yourself and the other children away from him

this is a disaster

you have lost two children. that should have been your wake up to get out and get away. but you have had two more children and are trapped.

perhaps you could consider speaking to womens aid or a social worker for advice on how to get out

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