Would you go back to this man? Please take a look at this although it is long.

[Theworldsbiggestdoughnut]

My ex while we were together

Drank to excess almost every single night
Went with prostitutes regularly
Was unfaithful with other women regularly besides prostitutes.
Phoned sex lines regularly
Would go out and disappear for days at a time
Took me out on occasions and abandoned me without a word in nightclubs or pubs to go off and pursue his own night out
Did no housework whatsoever
Only took on a share of childcare after many arguments, calling me lazy and threatening behaviour.
During arguments regularly called me awful names, spat in my face and sometimes became physically violent, pushing down stairs etc
Told me he would not support me to go through college and retrain and when I tried to do it anyway I had to stop after half a term because he could not provide child care any more due to his work commitments.
Told me that financially he deserved more than me because he earned the money and I was a SAHM.
Told me he could never give 100% to a marriage or relationship because you just get shit on if you do.
He believes men are more entitled to go out, have money, decent jobs etc than women and a decent woman is one who is there for her dh and lets him have the final say in everything.

Now he tells me his different, has changed everything and I am not being fair to the dc and our family by not giving him another chance. Says he was too young to have got married (23) and he has grown up and is now ready to have a proper relationship.

I can't do it. I feel like there is something frozen inside me. I have no more chances left to give him. I am 90% sure that while he has probably improved there is something fundamentally not right about him and he will always hurt me.

I feel very guilty though, as though I am denying us the chance to be a family if he really has changed, I don't believe he has though.

I don't really know how I feel about him. I feel totally numb and frozen inside. I think I am what is called emotionally disconnected so I don't feel hate towards him, I don't feel anything really. Please give me some advice. I have name changed.

yes, i agree, you are still caught up in his abusive behaviour. i'm so sad for you, doughnut, you have been placed in a terrible position. i hate men like this, i really think my friend's husband is evil. and if you've ever seen me on here before, you'll know i'm not given to such statements.

I've just read through this entire thread and was so glad when i got to JuJusDad's comments because I agree 100% with them.

He is still messing with your head. He is still controlling you. He's got you believing that you'll never find another (better) partner when you're only 38, he's got you believing that he's not 100% bad and so help me he's even got you believing that he's a good father.

He's been messing with your head for years, so that you even said you wonder if there's something in you that makes him that way. He's got you to take the blame on yourself for his behaviour. And I agree with the many other people who have said not all his behaviour could have come from drinking, a lot of it is far more fundemental than that.

You say you've split but it also sounds like he's there all the time - to see his DC - but that also gives him access to you. He's still in control.

If he can make you think how he wants you to think, he can do it to your children too. Young children are pretty much programmed to trust and love, and he sounds like someone well able to manipulate that for his own ends.

You don't feel hate because he's sucked all the emotion from you. I'd feel better if you did hate him, if you still had the energy for it.

He is a controlling bastard and I would give serious thought to protecting your children from his machinations.

I'd recommend a book entitled "The Sociopath Next Door", because frankly he sounds like one. Sociopaths basically don't see the rest of us as their equals we're just there to supply their needs, and the brighter ones can 'do' charming because that's the easiest way to get the rest of us to do what they want. Consider the possibility that he seems supportive of his mother/sister because that suits his purposes and that he seems a 'good father' because that suits his purposes too. And as soon as it didn't, he wouldn't be.

Hi Doughnut, hope you're feeling a bit better this morning if you're reading this.

I just wanted to add my two pence worth having read the whole thread after your OP. I don't think I have anything expert to add, or anything different to say than anyone else. All I would say is no no no no no, people do not change. They honestly, honestly don't. Not in the fundamental, and many, ways that this man would have to change in order to make him an acceptable human being.

I can totally empathise with the reticence I feel from your posts, where I know you KNOW the right things to do but you are finding it hard to really BELIEVE and FEEL them. I have an emotional abusive mother (though nothing like the scale of your ex's abuse) and to this day (and after years of counselling) I still have a gut reaction that tells me I should be asking 'how high, mummy?' every time she says, 'jump'. Actuually, she dpesn't even have to SAY 'jump'. she just has to look at me a certain way or use a certain tone of voice and I'm already on that treadmill!!

But nevertheless I, like you, can totally rationalise how wrong that is, how wrong her behaviour is and was, and how strong I am being when I do take stands against her and forge my own life. That doesn't mean I really feel disconnected from her yet, however much I would love to be. I think you, like me, fear the reality of the power and strength (good power and strength, not the bad kind he has exerted over you) that you would feel if you really said (and meant) 'fuck off, I am the one calling the shots here and you don't get anything I don't choose to allow you.'

I'm sure that is scary to you and I am so sorry that you have had such a terrible time. But all I would say, speaking as someone who was emotionally abused by a parent, you HAVE to try to find that power, for your kids' sake. I know you think they are OK and I am sure you are a wonderful, wonderful mother who wants only the very best for them, so please do not think I am being nasty by saying this!!! - but of course they are suffering from their father's behaviour. My own father, all my schoolfriends, nobody would ever have said I was suffering emotional abuse from my very comitted, 'caring' mother, who just happened to be a narcissist with a personality disorder. It took a total nervous breakdown at the age of 23, eating disorders galore, and years of therapy for me to even be able to admit the EA to myself. My siblings who went through the same thing are still totally unaware of how abnormal our upbringing was but are damanged in their own very significant ways. Your kids ARE affected. They will be fine, they have you, but they are affected. Please try, baby steps, for their sake.

Very very best of luck, apologies for the long post (!) and I hope I have not offended you - I honestly am in awe of your strength so far.

emeraldgirl I am in no way offended by anything written in this thread. I got all the answers I was hoping for if I am honest. A lot of your post rings bells with me and not just because of exh. Other Family relationships too but it is too much to go into on here.

Not all to do with the thread, I think I was getting there anyway but I feel like I have come out of a bit of a fog. I have been thinking about my ex boyfriends and how NOT ONE of them ever treated me like this even though I thought some of them were arses at the time. I believe my exh actively dislikes me, not hate, thats too passionate. I believe he resents me and uses me to take all his frustrations out on and because he has no self control tries to control me and the dc to try to have some control over some area of his life.

I have ordered that book Whereyouleftit. I have read up on Antisocial Personality Disorder before in relation to him and he has a lot of the traits. I don't understand why it is only with me though. He gets on well at work, has friends, gets on with his family etc. It just seems to be me he can't treat decently. I think that is why I have put up with him for so long because I thought it must just be me as he manages his other relationships fairly well.

JuJus Dad, thanks for your post. I have been on antidepressants before and heartily recommended them to my sister when she was having a bad time. I came off them and coped well but I am having a ALOT of panic attacks again now so I am definitely open to a low dose just to help me cope. I don't think I would ask for supervised contact at this point. I think anyone would be angry if this happened to them so I can't use that as a benchmark to measure whether the old exH comes back.

I have not seen so much of him this week because he has been working long hours and that has really helped so I am aware the more I see of him the harder it is to move on. I has been a good week in fact, seeing so little of him. Maybe it could be a new trend. I do believe he will lose interest once he has found someone else.