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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you go back to this man? Please take a look at this although it is long.

104 replies

Theworldsbiggestdoughnut · 15/07/2009 08:30

My ex while we were together

Drank to excess almost every single night
Went with prostitutes regularly
Was unfaithful with other women regularly besides prostitutes.
Phoned sex lines regularly
Would go out and disappear for days at a time
Took me out on occasions and abandoned me without a word in nightclubs or pubs to go off and pursue his own night out
Did no housework whatsoever
Only took on a share of childcare after many arguments, calling me lazy and threatening behaviour.
During arguments regularly called me awful names, spat in my face and sometimes became physically violent, pushing down stairs etc
Told me he would not support me to go through college and retrain and when I tried to do it anyway I had to stop after half a term because he could not provide child care any more due to his work commitments.
Told me that financially he deserved more than me because he earned the money and I was a SAHM.
Told me he could never give 100% to a marriage or relationship because you just get shit on if you do.
He believes men are more entitled to go out, have money, decent jobs etc than women and a decent woman is one who is there for her dh and lets him have the final say in everything.

Now he tells me his different, has changed everything and I am not being fair to the dc and our family by not giving him another chance. Says he was too young to have got married (23) and he has grown up and is now ready to have a proper relationship.

I can't do it. I feel like there is something frozen inside me. I have no more chances left to give him. I am 90% sure that while he has probably improved there is something fundamentally not right about him and he will always hurt me.

I feel very guilty though, as though I am denying us the chance to be a family if he really has changed, I don't believe he has though.

I don't really know how I feel about him. I feel totally numb and frozen inside. I think I am what is called emotionally disconnected so I don't feel hate towards him, I don't feel anything really. Please give me some advice. I have name changed.

OP posts:
LuluMaman · 15/07/2009 16:57

too young to get married?

so what if he was?

at 23, i was married and knew that being unfaithful, drinking to excess, being violent etc etc were wrong !

23 is not a callow youth

he chose to behave that way and there is no excuse, not his age, not anything

if he felt too young to be married, the right thing to do would have been to file for divorce

not to behave in the disgusting way he did

he has forfeited his right to have a family with oyu and the dc by doing that, don;t let him shift the blame on to you

i bet when you turn him down he reverts to type and becomes threatening and abusive verbally

stressed2007 · 15/07/2009 17:01

No No No No No - please do not!!!!!!!!!!

mrsboogie · 15/07/2009 17:18

I do not believe it is possible to go from what he was before to a truly rehabilitated individual, not unless he spent years in treatment and counselling and oh I don't know - had a personality transplant.

What he is doing is putting on an act to make it seem like he has changed.

what would happen if you got back with him is that little by little he would slip back into his old ways, but each individual bad thing he did would not be justification enough for you to say he was still the same old bad person. If you said anything you would be accused of trying to control his every move. then he would have an excuse to start doing unforgivable things again. It would all be your fault.

Umtil eventually he was his old bad self and you had to go through it all again to get away from him.

I am sure that the right counselling would be a great help to you OP

SueMunch · 15/07/2009 17:22

If my DH did any of the top 5 on your list he would be out of here forever.

And the spitting and violence? Surely this doesn't need an answer

Keep him away for good.

MadameOvary · 15/07/2009 17:28

You need time for YOURSELF and your DC's.

Agree with everyone else. He is pure poison and will never change.

My abusive ex left me and DD for OW six months ago. I have not seen him for seven weeks and JUST beginning to feel like I have started to get to a place where I can recover and get back to me.
He is trying to get me to meet him. I wont do it, because the change in me since I got him out of my life has been so positive.

Hugs and strength to you. After a certain period of time has passed, you will laugh at the idea you even considered this.

Laquitar · 15/07/2009 17:32

If the spitting and violence was due to alchool then it is possible that he won't do it again if he truly gives up alchol.

Fannily enough for me is the last 3 points in OP's list that worry me more. Because those are more like permanent traits of his personality not something due to stress or alchol or whatever.(and i m not saying it is excusable) Those personality traits and believes won't go away easily.

Ruthie22 · 15/07/2009 17:41

No way!
Aside from the (long) list you have given, the very fact that he is trying to lay a guilt trip on you and is not taking responsibility for his past actions sets off huge alarm bells!

'...am not being fair to the dc and our family by not giving him another chance. Says he was too young to have got married...'

Are these the ideas of a changed man, willing to show respect for his partner/wife/mother of his children? I think not.

Best of luck with everything, you deserve a great life away from this man! x

dittany · 15/07/2009 18:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElenorRigby · 15/07/2009 18:28

Its a rare time I agree with dittany but the first 3 things you described would be the end of a relationship for me, absolutely no going back

ImOverHere · 15/07/2009 18:33

Nope
Never
Not on your nelly
Nada

Really really don't consider it. Get him out of your mind and life as much as possible.

SolidGoldBrass · 15/07/2009 18:51

Not in a million years. What this man wants is, basically, his meals cooked, his laundry done, his kids looked after and his cock sucked if he's short of enough cash to pay a sex worker. He doesn't 'love' you. He doesn;t give a toss about anyone.
Now I am normally the biggest advocate of amicable family days out with co-parents, but I am a bit uneasy about this. You need to put your foot down with him a bit ie if he starts up about wanting to come back you need to say, 'No, the relationship's over and there is nothing to discuss'. If he gets agressive or angry, take the DC and walk away. You might need to get some advice from a domestic violence organisation and some support.

NotPlayingAnyMore · 15/07/2009 18:52

"Now he tells me his different, has changed everything and I am not being fair to the dc and our family by not giving him another chance."

HE has denied them the chance, NOT you. Sorry to be blunt, but anyone who tries to shame you in returning does not love you.

"Says he was too young to have got married (23) and he has grown up and is now ready to have a proper relationship."

Ever heard the saying "a lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency on mine'? He had his chance while you were ready and he blew it.

I know you say you can't imagine being with anyone ever again, but one day you'll meet someone who fits in to your lives, not the other way around.

"I can't do it. I feel like there is something frozen inside me. I have no more chances left to give him. I am 90% sure that while he has probably improved there is something fundamentally not right about him and he will always hurt me."

You've answered your own question.

Sweetheart, even if a fairy godmother waved her magic wand and changed him into the perfect man this very second, you'd still always resent him for what he put you through in the past - and rightly so.

Are you afraid of what will happen if you don't go back to him?

TotalChaos · 15/07/2009 18:55

completely agree with SGB. also wonder if the nice family days out are just prolonging the agony in a way.

your wishes and happiness are important and worthwhile - he could be a cross between brad pitt and mother teresa - that still doesn't mean it's wrong to split up from someone you don't want to be with.

AitchTwoOh · 15/07/2009 19:07

actually yes, sgb, that is true, thinking about it. i was thinking, be proud, you've managed to get to a point where you can tolerate him for the sake of the kids... but actually it doesn't sound like you've got to any point at all.

like laquitar said, it's possible that the erratic element of his behaviour has been solved by giving up drinking, but a lot of his behaviour sounded like it was under his control, not least your last few points.

"Told me he would not support me to go through college and retrain and when I tried to do it anyway I had to stop after half a term because he could not provide child care any more due to his work commitments.
Told me that financially he deserved more than me because he earned the money and I was a SAHM.
Told me he could never give 100% to a marriage or relationship because you just get shit on if you do.
He believes men are more entitled to go out, have money, decent jobs etc than women and a decent woman is one who is there for her dh and lets him have the final say in everything."

i mean, these are less dramatic than the spitting etc but they are fundamental personality traits on his part.

I try not to jump to the 'leave him, he's a bastard' line on these things, because we human beings are complicated creatures. but he really sounds like he has damaged you, in a way that you have not yet begun to repair.

however nice he's become, his interests will not be served by you getting help on this, so i'd give serious thought to cutting back on these family days out etc.

Original poster
theworldsbiggestdoughnut · 15/07/2009 19:27

I don't even know how to begin facing up to it tbh. I have a child with Special Needs and he takes up the majority of my energy, but in a wonderful way. I worry more about that and how things are for ds and I think that is probably the main reason why I can't take the time to look at what has been happening over the past 8 years. I do feel sometimes that if I deal with it all I will just crack because I have so much else going on with ds. It is just easier at the moment to continue with the days out and family time, although I am 100% sure it is finished.

Aitch you are right about the fundamental personality traits but for some reason it only seems to be with me. Why is that? What is it about me that makes him behave like that and feel that way? He is very encouraging of other women achieving, his sisters and Mum etc but not me.

I would like to think he has changed but he hasn't really, I know that. He still drinks for example, even though that is the thing that led to most of the behaviours on the list. If someone really had changed then they would stop doing the one thing that makes them behave so badly wouldn't they?

I can't even really define him. Nothing seems to sum him up. I can't say he is a 100% abusive man because he has some good traits as well. I think I made him like this. I don't think he would be like this with someone else. However it doesn't matter either way because it just means the same thing that we are wrong for each other.

Thanks for all taking the time to let me talk this out and giving me such great advice.

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 15/07/2009 19:38

i think that's the great lie, tbh, about abusers, that they have to be consistently abusive to everyone and all the time.

there is a list that women's aid has that is designed to help women come to terms with the fact that they are in an abusive relationship. there are, let's say, fifty things on the list... hitting, spitting, using prostitutes, hits on your pals, etc etc they're all on there, you can imagine the sort of thing.

i had a friend who was involved with a profoundly abusive man (still is, but that's a different story) and she went through the list... i remember her saying 'well he's done 47 out of the fifty things, he's never made me eat off the floor for example. so he can't be an abuser as such because he's got some good traits.' it was about the saddest thing i ever heard.

i can understand that it's helping to compartmentalise things at the moment, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate. one day at a time and all that, but to answer your question, no, i'd not go back to that man.

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 15/07/2009 19:43

Stay away.....well away

Laquitar · 15/07/2009 19:50

And 'you haven't make him like this' OP. Noway

Chrysanthemums · 15/07/2009 19:52

I know what you're feeling and I understand it. The only way to get past this stage is to open the inner floodgates and get FUCKING ANGRY towards this bloke, you mustn't take it out on anyone, maybe a counsellor, or talk to others about it, us even but GET angry in yourself, about the way he has taken these liberties - would you treat a person like he has? No? No. So it's a bloody cheek of him to expect you still to even be TALKING to him let alone trying to manipulate you into getting back with the git.

Gte angry, it'll hurt and you'll feel bad that you took the shit for so long - that's part of it though. The longer you blank it all out and do nothing, say nothing FEEL nothing, the more anger there is and the harder it is to face. Once you face it, feel the pain of having allowed yourslef to be hurt in this way, you can start to set up new barriers to stop it EVER happening again.

Hope that makes sense. He sounds such a bastard to you, and worst of all seems to think he's got away with it. Were you treated badly by someone when you were young, that might have made you think this was normal? That's often something that can happen

SammyK · 15/07/2009 20:06

just read thread in full and so at your thinking you made him behave like this. Don't think I need to answer your OP but my answer would be NO!

He treated you appallingly while you were together, and is lucky you still give him the time of day, and even now is emotionally blackmailing you to try and get you to let him worm his way back in.

I know you have a ds but do you have a dd?

I think counselling would be really helpful for you, perhaps women's aid, your children's centre, GP or relate, can find someone local to you. I totally understand you feeling you are on autopilot, it is emotionally and physically draining when one of your dcs has special needs. Much as we love and cherish them it's true. You do need to work through your feelings though, you owe it to yourself and your dcs to do so.

SolidGoldBrass · 15/07/2009 22:27

It's also a very common trait in abusers, particularly the more articulate/educated ones, to insist that they have 'changed' (sometimes after going through some or other ropey self-help programme that encourages them to be even more self-obsessed and nasty and teaches them new tricks WRT headfucking other people). They will come and hang out with you and almost overbomb you with 'niceness' but then start abusing you all over again by demanding forgiveness and then hitting and pushing and spitting and raping you because you won't 'make the effort' ie start servicing and obeying them again.
It's understandable that you want your DC to have a relationship with their father and that you need some help with the childcare, but I think it's important that this is handled in such a way that your needs and wellbeing are acknowledged and it's not just a case of you having to cater to his whims.

mrsboogie · 15/07/2009 22:37

there is one other thing I wanted to say to you - deep down somewhere inside you there will be great anger about how he has treated you, that anger is suppressed for now and maybe that has been a necessity. However suppressed anger can sometimes eventually lead to depression.

It needs to come out and this needs to be done in a safe way for you.

Quattrocento · 15/07/2009 22:39

Don't be silly. You know he is an arse.

Bellsa · 15/07/2009 22:46

He WILL NOT change. If you went back to him you'd be going into the same situation, and that's dangerous for you, and also emotionally for your children.

Chrysanthemums · 16/07/2009 07:37

Also I'd say it doesn't have to be him helping with the childcare. I'd rather anyone but my ex, tbh. I bet if you asked, everyone will be really grateful to you if you leave him properly - they are probably just afraid to say it. I know my family were, despite my thinking they would be angry with me and blame me - I just had to mention it and they were begging me to leave him. I was pregnant as well and they helped me with that.

I can be done. Life is so much finer now some sod isn't bullying me into putting his needs first.