Would you go back to this man? Please take a look at this although it is long.

[Theworldsbiggestdoughnut]

My ex while we were together

Drank to excess almost every single night
Went with prostitutes regularly
Was unfaithful with other women regularly besides prostitutes.
Phoned sex lines regularly
Would go out and disappear for days at a time
Took me out on occasions and abandoned me without a word in nightclubs or pubs to go off and pursue his own night out
Did no housework whatsoever
Only took on a share of childcare after many arguments, calling me lazy and threatening behaviour.
During arguments regularly called me awful names, spat in my face and sometimes became physically violent, pushing down stairs etc
Told me he would not support me to go through college and retrain and when I tried to do it anyway I had to stop after half a term because he could not provide child care any more due to his work commitments.
Told me that financially he deserved more than me because he earned the money and I was a SAHM.
Told me he could never give 100% to a marriage or relationship because you just get shit on if you do.
He believes men are more entitled to go out, have money, decent jobs etc than women and a decent woman is one who is there for her dh and lets him have the final say in everything.

Now he tells me his different, has changed everything and I am not being fair to the dc and our family by not giving him another chance. Says he was too young to have got married (23) and he has grown up and is now ready to have a proper relationship.

I can't do it. I feel like there is something frozen inside me. I have no more chances left to give him. I am 90% sure that while he has probably improved there is something fundamentally not right about him and he will always hurt me.

I feel very guilty though, as though I am denying us the chance to be a family if he really has changed, I don't believe he has though.

I don't really know how I feel about him. I feel totally numb and frozen inside. I think I am what is called emotionally disconnected so I don't feel hate towards him, I don't feel anything really. Please give me some advice. I have name changed.

Of course you feel bad for your DC that their parents aren't living together in one happy family but that isn't your fault. It's his. He has treated you like shit. Now, that doesn't stop him being a good parent but it doesn't mean you should have him back.

Don't feel guilty. And you are quite right to be 90% sure that there is something fundamentally not right about him. He had a chance with you and he blew it.

i haven't read anything but the title of the thread and already i know that the answer is NO. if you're unsure enough to ask a bunch of strangers then it can't be the best relationship for you. when you're in love with the right person you don't ask people about it, you just do it.

No. I don't believe a leopard can change his spots - and there are so many things you list.

i've read the thread now... basically even if he is utterly changed and a wonderful father YOU deserve someone who'll make your heart skip with love when you see him. and you're never going to meet that man if you're tethered to him.

anyway, your kids deserve a better model of motherhood tbh, than someone who subjugates all their hopes and desires for them. great that you can have family days without fights, you should be proud of yourself for that. but that's enough, i think.

Nope, no chance. If ever there was a list that describes what makes a man a shit partner, that is it.

You deserve better.

No, NO, No,NO,NO,NO,NO!

don't do it!

Don't let him make you feel guilty, doughnut. You can add 'emotional manipulation' to his list of crimes.

fucking hell! no. Not even I would go back to a man like that!

no, no. no!

No way. No woman deserves that from anyone. I almost think he should be named and shamed...seriously, can anyone be that awful. I have prhaps had a slightly sheltered life, but it sounds unreal.

Poor you. Stay well away.

Well I think that is pretty categorical. Thank you, it is very helpful to have these opinons.

When you are caught up in something like this it is sometimes hard to see the wood for the trees.

Actually from reading these posts I think I am being beyond reasonable really in that I am still nice and polite to him and still do stuff as a family. I am not going to stop doing that because it is good for the dc and has actually made the seperation go quite smoothly for them. For them nothing has really changed I suppose, Mummy and Daddy still do stuff with them together, the only different thing is Daddy doesn't sleep here anymore, mind you not that he did all that much when we were together!

you would have to be certifiably insane to get back with him. He has damaged you horribly and you are not even beginning the process of recovery yet.

The fact that you can even bring yourself to speak to him is amazing.

you wanted gut reactions...

are you fucking mad to even give this head-space at all ?

are you a masochistic glutton for punishment ?

if so, then yes, give him another chance to mash your brains a little bit more...

yes, i agree, you really are being a hugely decent woman not to absolutely HATE him and want to keep him from the children. you should be proud of yourself. but he is not the man for you.

"you are not even beginning the process of recovery yet."

That is what I am scared of MrsBoogie. I don't think I have even begun to address what has happened. I have a book that says when people have been emotionally abused they become emotionally disconnected and stop feeling to cope with it. I know this has happened to me. Maybe why I can't feel how bad this is. It was going on for so long that it just became a way of life.

I know he is not the man for me. Quite honestly I can't imagine ever being with man again. I could never trust anyone again or allow myself to open up to anyone. Think that side of life is closed to me now. I am 38 as well, not like it would be easy to meet anyone else but thats fine.

Thanks for all posts again. I was thinking maybe I find it easy to be nice to him because I don't love him anymore whereas all of you see this from how you would feel because you love your partners/husbands. Or maybe I have bottled it all up. I don't know.

better no man than the wrong one, imo.

how are you getting help dealing with all this? can you access a counsellor?

You need to "just be" for a while before thinking about another relationship. You need to get reconnected with yourself and to give you and your dc a chance to settle into a "normal" lifestyle with a secure homelife without all that crap going on.

There's nothing wrong with being nice to your ex - just don't be taken in by him again......

And btw - you're only 38 - that not old!

sorry only read the first 5 things on the list and the answer is NO

your list is horrific. So NO.

I do believe that people can change - especially when they have lost the family and had a wake up call.

But they change behaviour not PERSONALITY.

For example if was only the drink problem, yes many people have given up for good and as a result their behaviour has changed to better. But in your ex's case it is not just the drink, it's his whole personality, sorry. Those believes he has don't change overnight, they 've been there all his life. He can look different for while and then go back to his old ways .

expat is right. You can co-parent.

I haven't read anything other than the OP so I can just say what I honestly feel.

He is the one who has denied his children a "proper" family life, not you.

If the love and feelings have gone, they have gone and can only come back if you feel it is what you want and by spending lots of time together and talking.

If he has truly changed and wants you back he has to show you by his actions, not with words and give you all the time you need to feel you can trust him again as well as love him.

It doesn't really matter what anyone else would do - you have to do what is right for you then right for your children.

Remember - YOUR TERMS NOW.

you know they say that the opposite of love isn't hate but indifference? he has probably exhausted you of all emotion.

It is of course easier to deal with his necessary but unfortunate continued presence in your life because of the DC if you do not confront the reality of what he has done.

But you may not be able to move on until you do.

I once had a deeply unedifying relationship with a wrong 'un which ended very horribly. I actually continued seeing him for months after this and seemed able to separate my hatred of what he had done from my ability to enjoy his err company. There was a definite element of fear of him also in there too.

However it wasn't until I moved away (we didn't have DC for which I will be eternally grateful) that I started to kick myself for wasting so much of my life with him, for putting up with what I had and I really grew to regret ever knowing him.

I know it seems easier to stay in your shell, not to confront the past, and never to risk love again but this will be to waste the rest of your life. You are young (I was only a year or two younger than you when I was in that position) and you only have one life and it could yet be a happy and fulfilled one.

You may natuarrly come out of this protective mechanism one day anyway when your emotional self has accepted that the danger is past. (sorry if that sounds a bit hippyish)

No, I am not afraid of him. Only in so much as there are certain things I wouldn't say to him because it just isn't worth the row. He doesn't make me spend time with him or anything like that. I like doing things as a family, we usually have a good laugh and the kids enjoy it. But I have a feeling I am not facing up to the reality of the situation.

I do think that there might be some truth in the not moving on because it is the harder thing to do idea. Its easy to stay like this at the moment, not having to deal with any emotional upheaval with dc or myself. Think I have shut down.

My confusion comes from the difference I see in him. Is it possible for someone who was that abusive to change so much or is it just a big old show to get things back to how he wants them to be?

Thanks for taking the time to reply to me, it is giving me a lot to think about. Think I will speak to GP about counselling.