I was unfaithful last night.........

[mammablueeyes]

Please if all you are going to do is fire abuse at me, don't post at all.
I am feeling really messed up and guilty but at the same time ...........not as guilty as I should?

The thought of being lied to and unknowingly sleeping with a partner who's dick has been elsewhere- yuck.

I agree 100%. I can tell you (from experience) that ignorance really is not bliss at all. To quote a poster's name; secrets kill relationships. They really do.

Whatever is done, I hope think that the children's well being are kept central as they are the most innocent parties in this.

i don't know - i think i would prefer not to know if my partner slept with someone once, and vowed not to do it again, even if they had been having an emotional relationship. If he did continue the relationship in any form, with the intention of hiding it from me, i would then very much want to know.

i would feel the same about my own actions. if i slipped up in such a major way, and regretted it and knew it wouldn't happen again, i definitely wouldn't want to tell.

secrets do suck, but they are not the end of the world. time passes and if it truly is a one-off, you can move on.

and someone said affairs aren't instigated by people who genuinely love their partners and are happy. I disagree - shit happens.

don't tell your dh.
Don't do it again.
learn from the experience

and join the millions of others who have done exactly as you have and gone on to have good happy marriages if that is what you want.

This is not a tragedy of epic proportions. You didn't commit a murder

op (huggs) , i think you are very confused , and that the om took advantage of that. He didnt make a move on you when he was engaged, didnt want to risk his own relationship did he ? But he doesnt mind messing your marriage up? nice person? i dont think so ! he's a slime bag! A nice man would wait for you to be free, or leave you alone, not pretend he was a friend then seduce you when your vunerable and your DH is away.
You've made a mistake. Guilt can be a good thing, its a warning against hurting your DH...LISTEN TO IT! . i really do believe that sometimes people do make mistakes, and they are sorry for them.and that some relationships can recover from affairs... but they must be worked at and given 110%.
So if your prepared to give your DH 110% , and cut the slimbag out completely then you shouldnt tell your DH!.. i hope things work out for you and your DH.

where is the OP ?

dont know where she's gone, but hope she's ok! .mabey she's got a lost internet signal or something, or perhaps she's talking to her DH....... its just heartbreaking tbh.

Devotion : 'he would not be lying to you for years because you are not aware of it and he would have buried it in the past and moved on because he wanted to be with you.' Lying is not just about what you say. it is also about what you don't say. AFAIC, keeping quiet about something like this, for any length of time, is lying. Whether i am aware of it or not is irrelevant. The fact is that I am being deceived. And i still maintain that it would no longer be the choice of the cheater whether they want to continue the relationship. That privilege, and it is a privilege belongs to the person who was cheated on.

I'm also not sure you can truly bury things anyway, I think they have a tendency to fester. The only way to deal with something is to face up to it completely.

So, maybe an alternative to the tell him/don't tell him debate would be to talk to someone else (eg a counsellor) to work through it. That way you could work out your motivations and deal with your guilt etc without using your partner.

Then, maybe, it's not a secret. It's a mistake which you've owned up to and taken responsibility for. Then it doesn't have the opportunity to fester and can, genuinely, be left in the past.

And you still have the option to tell/not tell dependant on your relationship.