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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I was unfaithful last night.........

110 replies

mammablueeyes · 11/07/2009 18:28

Please if all you are going to do is fire abuse at me, don't post at all.
I am feeling really messed up and guilty but at the same time ...........not as guilty as I should?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 11/07/2009 19:09

sorry for double posts.

Simples · 11/07/2009 19:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland · 11/07/2009 19:10

i think you need to say goodbye and never see him again.

but you won't.

expatinscotland · 11/07/2009 19:12

yes, it just sort of happened.

i've been with a lot of men and sorry, but i don't buy that for a minute.

i even had an affair with a married man myself.

it never 'just happens'.

Original poster
mammablueeyes · 11/07/2009 19:12

you are all right

as far as my husband being gagging for it and me sleeping with someone else........we are very tactile and close, lots of hugs, kisses, hand holding and affection between us. I have had sexual issues always and have never been able to reach orgasm and in every relationship I have had the sex wains off for me because it kind of feels like a one way street after a while

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 11/07/2009 19:14

hmm, as the mother of a son, i hope he doesn't marry someone who does this to him.

in fact, i hope my daughters are better people than i ever was.

i did some horrible things.

but you know, making excuses for that means it's a wasted experience and all the pain i might have caused others is a waste if i didn't at least learn my lesson for it.

honestly, i think in this case you need to come clean because you're obviously going to see this man again.

i hope your husband doesn't find out.

sunfleurs · 11/07/2009 19:15

I think you are not feeling guilty because you still have all the hormones flooding about and are in that unreal post coital phase.

I think your guilt will hit you very, very hard in a couple of weeks IF you don't allow anything else to happen.

Trouble with doing it once is it opens the flood gates, the first time is always the hardest after that it gets easier and more justifiable to yourself.

You need to take practical action if you really don't want it to happen again. You can't leave your course obviously, but if it were me and I really wanted my relationship to work and to be faithful I would no longer socialise when this person is likely to be there. If you really feel you want to be in your marriage, DO NOT TELL your dh. Believe me he doesn't want to know. Don't do it to absolve your own guilt.

devotion · 11/07/2009 19:18

i think mammablueeyes knows there is more to this and is probably it hard to admit that maybe all is not perfect with her and dh.

its sad that it has taken this to make her face up to it.

i think she knew this was going to happen and could have stopped it but she didnt.

i do feel sorry for her because i just dont know if i could live with that guilt. i betrayed my past parters but i was so young, it took me two years to convince my dh to get serious with me and i would never do anything to lose him - thats what worries me about mammablueeyes.

has anyone ever had an affair when the genuinely totally loved their partner and never wanted to hurt them? - you cant even say the sentence withour contradicting yourself. i'm not sure mammablueeyes was happy with dh.

expatinscotland · 11/07/2009 19:19

'has anyone ever had an affair when the genuinely totally loved their partner and never wanted to hurt them?'

No.

And sadly, you gotta own it to change it.

Original poster
mammablueeyes · 11/07/2009 19:20

getting confused with posts now but generally get the message!

I can't not see him again because were on the course together and without one of us dropping out its impossible.

I DO love my husband and would never leave him because of the sexual issues because I know thats MY issue and not his and will always be there no matter who Im with.

Expat, you are right of course...I went for it and there is no excuse or other way of saying it. It wont happen again Im pretty sure of that just by the way we were this morning

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 11/07/2009 19:22

I hope so, mamma, but having been down that road myself, it's hard not to, especially when you love the person.

Sorry, but there you are.

Original poster
mammablueeyes · 11/07/2009 19:24

I think he is on the rebound from his relationship break down and doesnt actually 'love' me at all, I was just stupid and careless and dont deserve my husband but there is no going back in this world good or bad

OP posts:
pigsinmud · 11/07/2009 19:34

Surely you have to tell your dh? I have never been in that situation, but can you imagine keeping it a secret for years and years?

If dh cheated on me I'd want to know so we could deal with it.

I hate lies. It'll eat you up.

salvadory · 11/07/2009 19:40

don't beat yourself up about this now. It's done and youcan't undo it. Ask yourself if you're likely to do it again and if you are then you're probably best leaving your marriage. If it was a big mistake which it sounds like just learn from it and don't repeat it.
Marriage vows are really important to me and while I really hope i would never break them I can't judge you.
I have a friend who is never faithful to their partners and I always wonder why, surely the illicit sex can't be that much better than the relationship sex, can it?? If it is then the relationship probably isn't that good to start with.
Bare in mind that you have only seen the OM's 'training course' persona, you have no real idea how nice (or not) a guy he really is wheras oyu do know your husband and want to be with him.
Don't do it again if you value your marriage but don't tell your husband to make yourself feel less guilty as that's just a cop out that will make him feel terrible.
Feel the guilt and use it as to why you shouldn't do it again.
Hope you feel better soon.

noddyholder · 11/07/2009 19:47

I love all the cliches and excuses for something that is inexcusable.In reality you should tell your dh and see if he still wants to be with you but most people who have affairs don't.They cover their arses until the other half 'finds out' and is heartbroken.If you truly love your dh you will have to live with this but depends on whether you think next time you are in a close work situation you will feel the need to sleep with a colleague

TrillianDragon · 11/07/2009 19:52

You don't feel as guilty as you should. Says it all really. As for "my husband! I love him and respect him" Snort! What a load of bollocks.

Original poster
mammablueeyes · 11/07/2009 19:54

ouch! deserve it though I know.
as I have said, there is no excuse its my own fault and Im in charge of my own actions.
and no I dont know him that well out of uni and our social network, he is not local either which is a bonus. I honestly dont think it will happen again

OP posts:
devotion · 11/07/2009 19:54

i dont see the point in telling her dh at all.

it would cause him so much pain and its not worth it.

if she wants to stay with him then like salvadory said she can use the guilt to remind her why she shouldn't do it again. why put her dh through this pain and make it something that he has to live with?

if my dh had an affair and realised he made a mistake, knew it was me he wanted and then just put all his energy into me and never told me i would prefer that. because if i knew then i could never ever forgive him. its the way i am, terrible at forgiving people. it all be waste and we would both end up unhappy.

but if she does leave him then he will ask if there is someone else in which case she may find it hard to lie to his face. even then it would be nice to try and not tell him.

it would effect his future relationships and he will find it hard to trust someone again.

i think the pain should be her own and not his - its not fair on him. he done nothing wrong.

Dior · 11/07/2009 19:55

I honestly think that you should not tell your h. You will have to live with the guilt and panic. You made a mistake - now you need to think about why it happened and if your h really is what you need.

LoveBeingAMummy · 11/07/2009 21:45

I think once you see your DH you will feel different again and this is part of not feeling as bad as you thnk you should.

KTNoo · 11/07/2009 22:21

"I honestly don't think it will happen again".

Well, that says it all really. You talk as if you have no control over whether it happens again or not.

Tryharder · 11/07/2009 22:28

I don;t see the point of telling her DH either. It will only hurt him and probably lead to the breakdown of the marriage.

What's the point of ruining a marriage and family (do you have children OP?) for something which was a mistake and won't happen again.

I agree with others that it would be hard to keep a secret of that magnitude for a long time but perhaps that's the price you've got to pay plus never getting drunk again to avoid any drunken confessions.

I don't judge the OP either, far too many skeletons in my own closet...

expatinscotland · 11/07/2009 22:38

I don't see the point in telling him, either, because she'll keep doing it and, eventually, he'll find out that she did indeed have 'sex issues', but only with him.

That's going to do him the world of good, too.

expatinscotland · 11/07/2009 22:39

Let's face it: when you screw someone else and it's the result of a year-long emotional affair beforehand, your marriage is already O-V-E-R.

QuintessentialShadow · 11/07/2009 22:48

Sorry, but I agree with expat on this one.

You have been having an emotional affair for a year already, you have felt the excitement and the lust build up. You describe him like you really fancy him. Your marriage seem to me to be over. You have fallen for another student, and slept with him because you could, as your own husband is away this weekend. You say you wake up together this morning.
So, it was not a quick drunken shag followed by a "oh holy crap what have I done" you fell asleep with him after. Whose bed?

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