I was unfaithful last night.........

[mammablueeyes]

Please if all you are going to do is fire abuse at me, don't post at all.
I am feeling really messed up and guilty but at the same time ...........not as guilty as I should?

I wouldn't tell the DH. Don't see the point.

I don't agree with the black and white attitudes displayed by many on here. Shit does happen, even within the so-called sanctity of marriage.

I'd rather be in ignorant bliss myself than spending every night forever picturing my DP with somebody else.

And I don't agree there's a double standard. I'd advise any man who had had a one night stand and bitterly regretted it to keep it to himself. So would many relationship experts - I read Virginia Ironside on this issue recently.

But there is a double standard about OWs - four pages in and nobody has called the OM a whore, a slapper or a slag, or made any suggestion that he should take part of the blame for luring OP to cheat on her husband.

Perhaps it is down to whether OP thinks her DH would want to know? I wouldn't like to live in ignorant bliss and neither would my DH. However, it seems that some are ok with this and would rather not know (as long as it's a one off), each to their own.

For me, it's not particular to the sanctity of marriage, it's simply about being honest and admitting mistakes within a relationship. If they are strong enough, they will get thru it, but also, if they were strong enough it might never have happened in the first place. This sounds like it was an emotional affair long before it was sex and besides the work situ, I don't think that OP has heard the end of the OM either.

IME, these things almost always come out in the wash one way or another.

Totally agree about the double standards re the OWs! Never thought of that one. So very true.

This just makes me really sad.

I think you need to consider very carefully and honestly what you want to do. You need to be very clear about your motivation whether you tell your DH or not.

Telling or not telling can both be selfish - you tell to get it off your chest or you don't to protect yourself (and let's be honest here, most people don't tell about affairs to protect themselves not their partners).

I was firmly in the don't tell camp until I experienced this myself.

My DH had a one-night stand 13 years ago but didn't tell me to 'protect' me. Yeah, right. And, experts or no experts, finding out 9 years later was very very much more painful than if I'd found out at the time.

Only you know the basis of your relationship and what it needs to move forwards. How would you feel if it was the other way round? What would you want to know? How would you feel if you found out in 5 years? 10 years? 20 years?

Do you have children OP?

if i found out later it would be less of a blow especially if the last 20 years were happy ones. they would never have happened if i had known because i would not be able to forgive and forget... i guess everyone is different.

Devotion, I would be able to forgive, but I would never be able to forget and that would mean the end of my relationship because I would not be able to cope with knowing that for even one night my DH was unfaithful to me and our relationship. If I found out later, however many years that might be, I think I would find it worse because it would mean he had been lying to me for all those years. And I am not sure I would ever be able to forgive that. So either way my relationship would be over, but in the second case, I would then be wondering what other lies he had told me that I hadn't found out. I would wonder whether it was in fact only a one night stand or a full blown affair. Or how many other women did he shag without me knowing? And did he put my sexual health at risk for those years as well?

How's it going?

sayithowitis - i can understand that too and like i said we would all feel different about this.

he would not be lying to you for years because you are not aware of it and he would have buried it in the past and moved on because he wanted to be with you... however if you suspected he had gone behind your back and you asked him many times over the years and he lied to you then that would be a different story.

if he made a genuine mistake and fixed it and you spent the rest of your life together happy then what would he gain from telling you?

just because someone makes a mistake once does not mean they will do it again.

mamablueeyes - how are you feeling about all these posts?

plus like you said if you found out you would wonder if there were other lies, other affairs etc, it would eat you up. You would both only lose if this happened. So i cant see the benefit of him telling you?

i know i love my dh and want to be with him forever, i would not forgive him if he betrayed me, if he made a mistake and knew he wanted to be with me then i think it would be best he didnt tell me unless he wanted to end our relationship... i hope this never happens.

There is a positive side to this, which is that the infidelity has caused the OP to have a crisis in which she is forced to make decisions about her marriage - which sounds well overdue.

If OP feels that the absolute worst thing that could happen is her DH finding out and then ending the marriage, then there is her answer. If however she is considering perhaps being unfaithful again despite the risks, then there too is a stark reality for her to deal with.

I know myself that I have come () this close to being unfaithful, and it has caused me to re-evaluate everything I hold dear, and to realise how much I stand to lose by behaving selfishly. It proved to be a learning experience, and made me look at my relationship dynamic in a whole new way.

Only OP knows which side of this she's leaning towards, I agree.

Keep it to yourself.

I think there is a huge amount of over reaction to unfaithfulness generally. Anyone can make a mistake- look at it coldly- Mr X put his willie in Mrs Y and wiggled it about a bit. They got carried away. Mrs Y regrets it. Move on.

Hmmm Now I have been on both sides of this.

With ex he was cheating on me left right and centre he told me eventually and it almost destroyed me. The only reason he told me about the previous women was because I walked in on him fcuking someone who was meant to be my mate. But apparently it wasn't what it looked like. Would I have preffered not to know? YES I would have.

With DP, I slept with an ex just over a fortnight into dp and mine relationship. I told him and it broke his heart even back then, but I will never forget him telling me "I won't give you up that easily I am too old to not fight for the woman i want to be with". 4 years on we are still together, i have never cheated again and have no desire to do so.

I also while i was single had my heart broken by a married man, and I really loved him, and he me....however it was never going to work as anything more, i knew what i was doing was wrong but i loved him, i had fun with him and met his children as he did ds1.....he and I had a long chat and he moved away with his wife and their dd's. He came back to see me 10m later and the feelings were still there for both of us.....I bumped into him about 16m ago ds2 was a baby still and even though i love and respect dp and would never cheat on him again, if i had been single then well i don't think i need to spell it out. The feelings are still just as strong for this man and his are for me.....thankfully now he lives in a totally different part of the country to me and it was just a chance meeting.

OP, you need to think long and hard about what it is you want. IF you want your dh then you need to talk to uni about being moved to a different group etc you need to be away from this man.

Some moving stories here: I am not supporting people cheating on the DPs but I agree with TheLadyEvenStar that as you grow older you are better able to rationalise it as just a mistake and sex as, possibly, just a functional thing sometimes.

I always think, what would I advise my daughter/son: if partner was unfaithful then I would be supportive to DC but not push them in either direction. If, however, they were in an abusive relationship then I would definitely push hard for split. Sex is very important but there are more importanty things in life?

You must tell your DH: not to assuage your guilt, because he has the right to know. A marriage dependent on secrets to survive is no marriage at all; and imagine his sense of betrayal when he does find out. Assuming you do actually regret the incident, and are not so callous as to be uncaring about his feelings, t is his right to be able to decide from a position of knowledge whether he wishes to remain in the marriage. Shocked at all the people saying don't tell him and forget all about it - presumably that's what you'd want your DHs to do if they slept with someone else.

AllFallDown, if she wants to be with him then why hurt him? I just dont agree with what you are saying.

he is not going to find out unless she tells him, there is nothing to gain from telling him!

and i bet she would prefer it to if dh done the same.

its a bit like not needing to tell you partner all your previous history before you were with them.

there is no point.

nothing is gained.

if she had unprotected sex then she should not have sex with her dh until she has been tested.

Devotion ... It's not a bit like sharing previous history - the word "previous" is the clue ? because this is something that has happened within the marriage, and he has the right not to have secrets that are relevant to the marriage kept from him. There is nothing to be gained FOR HER from telling him, which isn't the same thjing as nothing to be gained at all. If she didn't want to hurt him, she shouldn't have been unfaithful.

I cannot urge you enough to tell your DH what has happened. I suspect you are actually embarking on an affair here and so of course you won't....but if there is even a chance that you bitterly regret this and want to stop this madness, please do your DH the courtesy of complete honesty. You will forever view him as a victim if you don't and secrecy like this destroys intimacy. If you were already having problems in that regard, this won't improve things, believe me.

You've actually got a chance here for a major shake-up and the opportunity for a relationship of equal partners. Telling your DH is going to hurt him like hell, yes, but at least then he has options and you can work through your problems together.

Affairs are never, ever the answer to marriage problems. Please do the decent thing. Either leave your DH to pursue other relationships or tell him and start trying to rebuild your marriage.

If you realize that this was a mistake and it has helped you to appreciate your marriage more then I agree with moving on and not telling your dh.

i guess it was just stir up. if not she will be here feeling not guilty but need to talk to someone
i agree with every word of expat, i think mamma just opened the door to affair, well she has been having it for the last 1 year.
im sorry but i hate people who love and respect tehir husbands this way.

"ouch! deserve it though I know.
as I have said, there is no excuse its my own fault and Im in charge of my own actions.
and no I dont know him that well out of uni and our social network, he is not local either which is a bonus. I honestly dont think it will happen again"

I don't she's embarking on an affair. But, to the OP, you've allowed yourself to get very close to this man who, I presume, knows you are married. That closeness should be reserved for your dh. If something is wrong with your marriage, you owe it to your dh to tell him and to at least give him a chance to fix things. All relationships go through their stale patches. Communication is vital and if your dh doesn't know how you feel, how can he try to put things right? You owe him that chance.

As for this man, he clearly doesn't respect your dh or you for that matter. He knew you were married - is he? Yet he still went ahead with it all and no doubt now thinks that he's onto a sure thing.

If you have any self-respect left, you would own up to your mistake and try to sort your marriage out. If you no longer love your dh then do the decent thing and allow him to find someone who does love him and who won't go off to find a fuck-buddy at the first hurdle in the relationship.

For all these people who feel she should tell her dh if she wants to stay with him,

if you were in a relationship where you had no idea your dh had this secret but he knew he wanted to be with you and knew he made a mistake and so decided to tell you.

are you telling me you could forgive and move on? that you would not be broken into a million pieces and feel so let down and confused by what you thought was a happy marriage? would you be able to carry on without paranoia, jealousy and still be able to trust him. i doubt it. it would take alot of councelling, time and then it may not be enough so you may just end up splitting up.

it would have a negative effect on your relationship full stop. so i just can not see other than the other person knowing what the other person done, what good it is to tell?

i am not saying this is what i would tell every woman who has had an affair to do. but in this example, it happened once (even though she could see it coming a long time) and she said she knows she wants to be with her husband, dh hads no idea so this could be one very bad mistake that she can take to the grave with her. her guilt will be her punishment and she will make every day work for her and dh because she loves him and is so sorry for what she done.

this is a lesson for everyone, like she said in the beginning, it started with a spark, when you see it - run! i've been there before and you need to take control as soon as you realise this. it was in her control and she could have been telling a much different story.

I really relate to what you are going through with this. I'm in a very similar situation - there is a 'spark' between myself and another guy I work with. I'm 33, he's 58. We are both married. Nothing has happened, but I've thought about it! You all may lol I'm sure!

I've been married 7 years and never been unfaithful - neither has my DH as far as I know. However, we've had conversations about this in the past and came to this conclusion: anyone who gets married and suddenly never looks at anyone else again in an emotional/ sexual/ loving or otherwise way is deluded. We are all human and I can honestly say in the 8 1/2 years I've been with my husband, this is the first time I've felt a spark for anyone else. No doubt in the course of our marriage my husband has felt something similar for some else too. We are human beings - attention from other human beings makes us feel good. To all those on here just saying things like 'tell your DH/ never speak to the other guy again' - get real! If you want to blow your entire marriage apart and him never trust you again - sure go ahead and tell him!

If it was me, I'd go snog the other guy's face off once last time for the memory, then tell him it's probably a sensible idea that it doesn't go on any longer.

Good luck. X

Because if you tell your dh it shows remorse and a willingness to try again. It also stops you from making the same mistake twice. Marriages should be based on honesty, respect and trust. Keeping a secret like this is not healthy imo.

Imagine if you found out from some other source, how would you feel? If you knew that your dh had kept this from you? Wouldn't it destroy your trust in him more than if he'd just confessed at the time?

I have been cheated on twice, both long term relationships. The first chose to be open about it- I did end it but in a way I look back on that relationship with fondness despite what he did at the end, and I respect his honesty.

The second time, my ex hid it from me and even when presented with pretty strong evidence denied it, I had to speak to the other woman in the end to get the story. We ended up hating each other.

There is a big difference in on the one hand making a mistake but basically being a good, honest person and confessing and trying to put things right, and then on the other hand cheating on your partner then keeping it to yourself and lying to that partner to save yourself the hassle of having to deal with a situation you have created.

I'm sorry but the choosing the latter option makes you a dishonest, unfaithful person as opposed to a decent person who has made a mistake by being unfaithful.

Hope this waffle makes sense.