I was unfaithful last night.........

[mammablueeyes]

Please if all you are going to do is fire abuse at me, don't post at all.
I am feeling really messed up and guilty but at the same time ...........not as guilty as I should?

You do NOT love and respect your Dh, because if you did, you would never have allowed this to happen. And you did allow it to happen. Nobody forced you.

I don't know whether you should tell your Dh or not. Imagine how you would feel if he told you he'd had a 'drunken one night stand'. Would you be able to forget it and move on? I know I couldn't. Forgiveness is one thing, but I would always have an image of him and her together and that would stop me being able to move on in my relationship. Equally, how would you/Dh feel, if this came out several years from now? I would be forever wondering if it really was just the one occasion, or if this was the only one I knew about when in reality there were more. Again, it would be enough to destroy my relationship.

Only you can decide what you do now, but personally, I feel so sorry for your husband, who probably thinks he is married to a wonderful, honest and faithful wife. When what he is actually married to is a lying cheat.

And, if you are so concerned about getting abused on here, don't post ! Given that so many of the lovely ladies on here have had their relationships destroyed by their husbands/partners doing to them what you have just done to your husband, i don't think you shaould be expecting any sympathy from them. Do you?

Thing is, it wasn't a drunken one-night stand.

That's when you go to a bar or on a pub crawl, meet someone you never met, shag him and then never see them again. May not even know their full name or any part of their name, having forgotten their forename in a drink-induced stupor, so that they're forever, 'The guy from the Netherworld' or 'The bloke from karen's hen night' or something like that.

This was a relationship that built up over time and culminated in sex, conveniently whilst her husband was away so she could spend the night and not until his engagement had broken up.

How sad. To be honest, if I was you - I'd tell your DH. Not to hurt him, but to show him at least one ounce of respect after doing this to him. Don't do it and then continue to lie about it for the rest of your life. He doesn't deserve a cheat as well as a liar for a wife, regardless of 'bedroom issues'.

It's also interesting to see "Don't tell your DH" replies. I wonder how many "Don't tell your DW" replies there would be if the OP were a man.

I think you need to have a good look at yourself. Really properly sit down and analyse how you are feeling.

Because if you can cheat like this and not feel bad, either you think nothing of yourself or you really are a heartless cow.

I'd like to be charitable and think you have some sort of problem to behave this way. Either way, if you aren't going to tell dh and are going to carry on with the relationship with him

a) do him a favour and get tested for STDs (sorry didn't read thread closely enough to see if you used protection)

b) try and figure out why you are treating yourself and him so badly and not feeling bad. Otherwise, you will just repeat this again.

No, expat, it wasn't. And IMO, that makes it even worse! I still stand by what I said though, regarding the potential consequences etc. and not posting on this type of forum about this subject but not expecting any form of abuse! ( Not that I think there has been any abuse, just some clear disaproval from most of us).

I am sorry mammablueeyes, you made a bad choice, and IMO, if you want to remain with your H, you never ever tell him, live with your guilt and do everything in your power to cut contact with this man. That is a measure of how much you love your H.

Speak to the man and make that clear and hope he has the humanity to respect your decision. His 'love' for you may be an emotional crutch as you supported him following his relationship break-up. And given the rarity of true platonic friendships, that was possibly a mistake in itself.

My marriage has broken down slowly and painfully over the last two or three years and somewhere along the line, I felt a chemistry with somebody, most of the time the guilt of that alone was enough to make me throw myself into trying to make my marriage work. I probably stayed with H longer than I would as a result of that guilt, and subjected my DC's to suffering seeing their father develop a complicated drinking problem.

Even up till recently I would have moved to give my marriage a chance, despite my feelings for someone else, and if H could have kicked drinking.

But now I am having my heart broken in every direction. H moved out today, i feel vulnerable to my feelings, because I am to all intents and purposes on my own.

'He' is married and yet the times when it has taken every fibre of my resolve not to reach out to him are enough to make me feel ashamed.

Please mbb, don't go down that road. Sort out your sexual compatibility with H. With time and effort, it can be done. Good people don't deserve to be hurt....have a life assessment, sort your priorities, forgive yourself this mistake, but resolve never, ever to do it again.

Shewillbeloved. I said not to tell him, because it would devastate him. I also think that I would rather not know if h had an affair as the pain would not be any less for being told earlier. I also advised a serious think about the relationship with her h. It was not said as a 'you got away with it this time' piece of advice.

I understand Dior I just don't think that anybody in the OP's situation should have the right to 'control' their partners life by lying to them in such a massive way for the rest of their married life.

Personally I'd be absolutely furious if I ever found out that DP had hidden from me for many years that he was unfaithful in any way. It wouldn't be his choice to decide whether or not I stay with someone who has such little respect for me that he can cheat on me, and then lie to me about it to somehow protect me? Why should he care about my feelings then? He obviously didn't care when he was shagging about with someone else..

I'm not saying the OP should tell her husband, I was just saying that I think it's morally the right thing to do, and face up to any consequences he throws at her. Who knows, it may even help the relationship in the long run. Or it may leave them both open to find somebody they are compatible with, if together they aren't compatible.

If I were the betrayed party I would want to know.

Can anyone honestly say, if their partner cheated, they would rather he/she lied to them about it?

I bought my first home with an ex, who I later found out, had cheated on me. Had I known about his lack of faithfulness, I would never have entered into such a huge financial commitment with him.

You saying that the sex problems will always be there no matter who you're with excludes the possibility of change.

YOU can change this if you are prepared to be honest with yourself.

Can you masturbate to orgasm?
Can your dh masturbate you to orgasm?
With that guy the other night were you sexually turned on?

It sounds to me like you do have sexual problems but there is a part of you that is sexual and doesn't get expressed so takes control of the brain and fucks someone else. It is easier for you to fuck someone else than deal with your sexual problem.

You are likely afraid of letting go and of true intimacy.

see a sex therapist if you want to change this and think about moving forward with your dh in honesty.

You have to be prepared to love properly if you want fulfilling relationships - right now you're just fucked up like most of the population

You are human. You did something encredibly stupid. Now YOU have to fix it.

Nobody else can understand your relationship from the outside. All we can do is tell you how we would feel in your/DH's position. And as you can see from the range of opinions, how we would feel depends on who we are. You know your DH - you work out how you think he will react, and act accordingly.

If you are not going to tell him, you have a responsibility to work out exactly why it happened, and then change things - otherwise you run the risk that it will happen again.

I have been in your position (not exactly but in some ways simmilar), and have been the one cheated on Niether of us was honest at the time, and I think that was the right decision at the time,but all is in the open now, and we are able to forgive each other, and work together to fix the problems. Our relationship is stronger now than ever.

This siyuation might be fixable, but it will depend on you both, it will be hard work, and it will hurt. Good luck

Supercherry - if my dh did this and was 100% he wanted to be with me, totally ended contact with the other person then I would prefer to not know.

He he wanted to be with me then what would anyone gain from him telling me? I would not forgive him and if i did stay with him and try "work it out" then I would become jealous and paranoid and it would probably end anyway.

There is nothing to gain from her telling him only feeling like she done the right thing. I can not see how revealing this devastating news to her partner when she wants to be with him would help. Here honesty is not the main concern its about her being faithful from now on and working on being happy with her dh.

If for some reason dh suspected she was having an affair and it was eating him up and making me feel paranoid and he approached her and asked then of course she would owe it to him to come clean.

But right now hopefully he has no idea of what has been happening and as far as he is aware his dw loves him and wants to be with him.

I just think its important that she knows exactly what it is that she wants because its not fair to stay with someone and not give your whole self to them when they could get that from someone else.

I think its also worthwhile going to see a sex therapist. LaurieFairyCake wrote a good post. I think i read somewhere that only 10% of women orgasm through sex. Most probably masterbate during or after or their partner does it for them. You need to just find what works for you. Orgasms really are mental work, once you work out what you need to do then you've cracked it.

We all make mistakes! I know this had been building up and so is more 'calculated' i guess, but give the woman a break! If she didn't feel guilty, she wouldnt have posted this.

I think she can still love and respect her DH but have made a mistake.

OP - believe me I have been there - you do need to sit back and assess why this happened though - is it an issue with you and your self confidence (someone other than DH finding you sexy etc) or is it a fundamental issue in your marriage? Talk to someone - therapist etc - it really helped me come to terms with what was really going on in my head.

(((xxx)))

If my DH did this to me, I would want it to be my decision what to do about it. It would not be for him to decide that he wantes to be with me after all, but mine to decide whether I want to be with him. And sorry, but anyone who can sleep with someone else when supposedly in a loving, faithful and monogamous relationship, does not love and respect their partner.

Devotion, while I understand your viewpoint, by not telling the betrayed party one would be living a lie. The relationship thereafter would be based on a lie.

Furthermore, these things do have a nasty little habit of popping up when you least expect. What if the op's DP, somehow, in the future, finds out anyway- surely then the relationship would be doomed? Far better to be honest now and deal with it than it come back and bite you on the arse in 5yrs time because then you will not only have the initial betrayal but the years of deceipt to contend with also.

As the betrayed party I think I would have more chance of being able to forgive and rebuild trust if the guilty party showed remorse and honesty about what they had done from the start. To find out later from someone else would be even more devastating.

Just my opinion of course, mammablueeyes needs to make her own choices.

I'd tell him. The 'other man' might tell your dh, or other man might tell someone else who passes it on.

If I found dh had sept with someone else my heart would break. I think I would expect that amount of respect from him though. If I found out from someone other than him, I might try to kill him in all honesty! I'd be so ultra insulted.

So I would really not want to carry the fear of him finding out around with me. I don't think you can protect him from this tbh.

you know what? prior to my current relationship i was never faithful to anyone (have had lots of relationships-not all that serious) but 4 years into a five year relationship I shagged someone I had known for some time and had been growing closer to over the course of about a year. When it happened I was gutted and wanted someone to help me through it (yeah-i know,me me me!)the only person who i actually wanted to tell was my then dp-clearly i couldn't-i held onto that feeling of just being GUTTED at what i had done to him and didn't do it again (during that relationship)
I think you can never say never-and if you are so complacent that you think you wont ever get hit by the thunderbolt then you are deluded a bit.
i don't think i would ever cheat on my current partner-i can't say that if Jason Orange presented himself in a loin cloth at my front door with a rose between his teeth I wouldn't have a go...
OP-don't beat yourself up about it-look at it for what it was-a wrong shag with a wrong man in a bit of a sordid way-don't tell your hubby-don't do it again-stop romanticising it-you've already said the sex was shit so just don't do it again eh? and work at your marriage if that's what you want to do...only you know that?

Sometimes I see double standards on MN and it sincerely confuses me.

If this was a woman saying "oh, I suspect my husband has secretly slept with someone last night, what am I going to do?", then there would be a plethora of advice. The DH would be all the bastards under the sun and there would be many suggestions as to how the wife could find out if he has indeed been doing the dirty and so on.

At the same time, if a man came on here and gave a similar scenario as the OP, there would also be a bit of an uproar and virtual arse kicking for the man in question.

So, why on this occasion, is the OP being encouraged to forget it, move on and keep the secret?

I think it stinks. OP should be honest, fess up and allow her DH the choice of whether he wants to be with someone who has made the mistake of cheating on him. If it were my DH, I'd absolutely, 100% want to know.

I don't like this whole business of lying in a relationship. It is not fair to deceive someone, treat people the way you want to be treated etc.

IMO:

-you should remember to consider the interest of your DC.

-you should make an effort to get into the swing of things with your DH if you stay together. IF you don't use it then you will lose it.

How can you be sure that OM is just after the physical side. Some men will say anything to get their way.

Best wishes

Absolutely Holyguacamole. I don't get why , when a woman posts this type of secnario, she is told it is up to her to decide whether to tell and take whatever her Dh decides,or to keep quiet and base the relationship on a lie. If a woman posted the exact same scenario from the POV of the wife whose Dh had cheated, she would still be told it is her decision etc. And if she said that the DH had insisted it was a one time only error that happened ages ago and had never been repeated, the wife would be told not to believe him. It is double standards.

SiS, I don't consider myself complacent within my marriage at all, but I do know that I place my wedding vows, particularly the one to remain faithful to Dh, as very, very high on my list of priorities within my relationship. I realise that anyone can get 'struck by a thinderbolt', but unless you are prepared to end the long term relationship first, IMO you do not act on it. You at least owe it to the long term partner to be honest, because when you cheat you sure as hell are not showing them any love or respect.

Don't tell DH. And sorry but those who say don't beat yourself up about it are wrong. You have broken the rules and betrayed your DH. You chose to marry him and say those words in the marriage ceremony. No-one forced you to at gun point, did they?

Now you live with it. YOu live with the pain and the guilt and you find a way to cope. Don't offload on your DH and leave it to him to make the next move. That is a cop out. You decide what you have to do now. And once you have decided, stick to it.

Don't tell him, but really think you need to decide if he is the right man for you. I was the one who got cheated on and to be totally honest I wish he had never told me, I was happy and if he had kept it quiet I would have been blissfully unaware and probably happy. He told me, I ended it and miss him like crazy, he was the one and he made a mistake, he wanted to work it out I wanted blood. I couldn't get past it so whatever he tried to make thigs better didn't work. If he had never told me we would probably still been together and happy. You messed up once. But do think what you want to do and make a choice. Your married or your not. Good luck.

My reason for saying not to admit to the mistake is based on this;

not to keep it a secret, and as such get away with it, or to live with a lie, but in large we confess to things because we can not live with the guilt and that sharing the 'secret' will somehow assuage the guilt with eventual forgiveness following whatever horror the admission initially brings.

I am not judging the OP but if she is truly repentant then she lives with the guilt as her penance. Perhaps she can write a letter to her DH to store at her bank explaining such a decision should it ever come to light.