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Original poster

DH doesn't like sex...

34 replies

nybom · 08/07/2009 12:10

...and never has done!

he is healthy, he is straight, he is (fairly) young, and he loves me. but he finds sex boring. even back in the early days he wasn't too keen, and at first i even thought he was gay, because he was so indifferent about sex and not sexually driven, like most other men.

he's not interested in porn and he finds sexy underwear hilarious, so there is no way i can think of how to spice things up...

we've had sex twice in the last 18 months.

i'm only glad that my libido isn't what it used to be before having kids, but once a year is not enough for me! with previous BF, even after years, we had sex at least every two days. i'd be happy about once a week now...

we've been sleeping in different rooms for a while (all to do with sleeping arrangements during last pregnancy, BFin the baby etc., NOT because we don't like each other). before that, the only times we would have sex was, at night, when DH woke up and we would initially cuddle, and it all went from there... it was great, because it always was such a (pleasant) surprise.

the whole thing makes me feel rather worthless as a woman. many other men find me sexually attractive, but (of course) i ignore any advances. i'm not the type of person to start an affair, so i'm trapped with the outlook of rarely, if ever, having sex again.

DH is (very) happy with the current state of things, and if we went to a councelling or whatever and he were talked into having sex for my sakes i would feel bad about that - having to beg for sex in a marriage, as a woman, that does not feel right at all...

anybody else have a similar problem (can't imagine that...)?

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 08/07/2009 12:13

If he's definitely not gay and has no underlying issues like previous sexual abuse, horrible sexual past, if he finds you attractive and has no other intimacy problems (ie. enjoys kissing and cuddling with you) then I would be looking at a medical reason and would be encouraging him to go to the doctor.

SolidGoldBrass · 08/07/2009 12:15

If he really doesn't have a libido (and some people don't) then you need to come to an arrangement about you maybe having friends-with-benefits.
Or he is going to have to compromise. It is not ok for a situation to remain where, while one partner is 'very happy' the other is unhappy. Both of you matter. If he doesn;t want ever to have sex again then he has to agree to you having sex elsewhere. If he is happy to have sex occasionally and you would rather have sex with him than anyone else then you can work out a reasonable agreement on how frequently is OK.

expatinscotland · 08/07/2009 12:20

What SGB said.

Nail on head.

Original poster
nybom · 08/07/2009 12:21

he has no underlying issues, sexually or other, he is one of those people that rest in theirselves. and we are a very cuddly couple, actually, i don't know any (married) couple who is as cuddly as we are.

i suggested DH go to the GP but he says he feels fine and sees no reason to go (as a man he doesn't go anyway). and even i find the idea strange because he doesn't seem sick in any way.

whenever we discuss this problem we go round in circles...

OP posts:
CarGirl · 08/07/2009 12:29

SAdly over years this is likely to eat away at your self esteem and thus your relationship. Asking him to go to the Drs for a hormone level check is not big ask for the future happiness of your marriage surely?

He could just have low testosterone levels or something similar?

expatinscotland · 08/07/2009 12:34

tbh, if i were you i'd go to counselling on my own to help me make a decision i could live with then.

i do agree with SGB in that if you have a spouse or partner who doesn't want sex, refuses sex, won't go see a doctor to see if there's something physically wrong, won't see a counsellor, that you're not beyond the realms of reason to let them know you are going to have to find sexual satisfaction elsewhere.

Original poster
nybom · 08/07/2009 12:37

are low testosterone levels abnormal though?

he definitely has low testosterone levels - he has very little body hair, and his beard takes months to grow even half an inch. and he's never aggressive, he's always calmness personified...

also, wouldn't he be less fertile if something were wrong with his hormones? DSs were both conceived after one "try" only...

OP posts:
charlotte1978 · 08/07/2009 12:47

I suggest he has a testosterone imbalance. A former boyf of my friend has this problem and he went to the doctor and explained he had no sex drive. He was perfectly healthy and ate and exercised well. The doctor ran some tests and said he had a testosterone imbalance. Provided him with some pills and then he became a raging sex dog! Hence why my friend dumped him, because he wouldn't give her a rest!!!

It sounds medical to me. Get him to get him some help. Research suggests that a sexless marriage can lead to the inevitable.

Sex is an intimate interaction between people who love each other (in marriage) and when sex is missing the intimacy can break down.

I don't want to upset you but it sounds like you miss sex and if you deeply love your husband then he needs to understand your needs and get some help.

TitsalinaBumsquash · 08/07/2009 12:48

Soundly like he may have Low Testosterone tbh or he simply may be A-sexual or like SGb says some people just don't have sex drives for no reason what so ever.

What ever is going on its not fair to expect you to live in a sexless relationship.

Dior · 08/07/2009 13:37

My h is the same. Even when I am slim enough for him to fancy me (another long story), he only seems to want it once a month. He once accused me of being a sex maniac because I suggested it twice in two days. He seemed really shocked.

Believe me, I know how this can affect a relationship. Perhaps it will end yours, as it nearly did mine. All I know is that mine would never let me have a FB.

expatinscotland · 08/07/2009 13:52

Dior, he won't 'let' you have a friend with benefits, but refuses sex, too?

I don't understand how a person can expect monogamy out of a spouse and try to force them to be celibate as well.

expatinscotland · 08/07/2009 13:52

Dior, he won't 'let' you have a friend with benefits, but refuses sex, too?

I don't understand how a person can expect monogamy out of a spouse and try to force them to be celibate as well.

jarbelle · 08/07/2009 13:55

My dp is the same. Would be happy with about once every three months and we've gone 10 months before without having sex.

We've gone endlessly in circles talking about it - come to arrangement once a week which only lasted about 2 weeks.

It gets me down and the total lack of intimacy is affecting our relationship to the point I've given up initating anything and sleep in the spare room (he also snores really badly).

We live more like friends and I've been thinking more about just walking away from it as the thought of the rest of our lifetimes together, living like this, bores me.

MrsMichaelSchofield · 08/07/2009 14:11

I think it's actually a lot more common than you think. My exdh was exactly the same. I lived like this for a few years and then finally divorced him for that reason

MissSunny · 08/07/2009 14:13

Message withdrawn

Original poster
nybom · 08/07/2009 14:40

before DH i had a BF who was the exact opposite - constantly wanting sex + addicted to porn. he couldn't control himself, as soon as he saw a naked woman he was immediately arroused. THAT was worse. a lot worse...

at least in this case with DH, he will never have an affair with another woman because of sexual reasons (which is why men have aaffairs). he doesn't watch the porn chanel when away on business and he doesn't hook up with female colleagues at x-mas parties. thats the pro to him being asexual...

and because he is so perfect in all other aspects, and so reliable and cuddly, i couldn't have an affair/FB. i would have an intimacy with that person which i wouldn't have with DH, and that would ruin the relationship with DH...

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 08/07/2009 15:34

then you need to get some counselling for yourself to learn to live a next-to-celibate life, because your husband is making it very clear that he's happy with how things are (he won't see a GP or go to counselling).

if you don't want a friend with benefits, and you are otherwise happy with the relationship and he's happy with it (and unwilling to do anything to change/doesn't want to change) then your couse is to be celibate/have very little sex.

Original poster
nybom · 08/07/2009 15:39

expat - nooooooooooooooooo!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 08/07/2009 15:43

well, nybom, what else is there?

you've ruled out affair.

you don't want to ruin your relationship with your husband.

he won't see a doctor or a counsellor because he's happy with how things are, from your OP, and even if he weren't it may be, as SGB points out, that he's asexual.

so it seems that you need to learn to live without sex because he doesn't see a reason to change and may in fact be unable to do so.

sorry, but that's what i've gathered from your posts here.

in a situation like this it's: a) fulfil sexual needs others b) leave the relationship c) learn to live with it because he ain't changing.

brightongirldownunder · 08/07/2009 15:49

Hi Nybom.
DH is the same and we haven't had sex for 2 years. I'm at the end of my tether. He claims he's normal and that he's just like any other man, but like you, I feel worthless and unnattractive.
I told him today that I'd mentioned to my doctor that he wasn't into sex to which he replied "oh my god, that sounds awful". It is bloody awful. I'm scared that if a sex god found me attractive at the moment I may give in.....
Anyway, just to let you know you're not the only one.

expatinscotland · 08/07/2009 15:51

sorry, meant to say 'with' others. as in fulfill sexual needs with others.

YanknCock · 08/07/2009 16:02

I had this with ExH. I ended up having an affair, told him, went to Relate, etc. Things did not improve, though at least he took some responsibility for driving me to it. His solution was for me to pay for it (I wasn't happy with that). He wouldn't let me have a FB either.

He told me I was a 'nymphomaniac' for wanting sex once a week. He made me feel shallow, sex-obsessed, and like some low-class slag. He said things like 'why is it so important to you?' and 'most women would be happy'.

We didn't have children. We were supposedly 'trying', but when you have PCOS, don't ovulate regularly, and your partner refuses sex 9/10 attempts...it's not going to happen. I wish I'd said something to the fertility specialists sooner, rather than letting myself be subjected to invasive tests. He wanked in a pot and was congratulated on his A class sperm. I got poked, prodded, and dye shoved in my uterus.

We were married for 4.5 years, and I finally left him. He was also a workaholic, and his job and social life always came before me. I felt so cheated, I moved to this country, didn't get to finish my MPH degree, completely uprooted my life for the man, and he couldn't even commit to seeing a movie with me a week in advance because there might be something better to do.

OP, if everything else is ok, then like expat said, you have the choice to live with it or leave. He's happy with the way it is. Why should he change? It's not fair at all, someone unilaterally declaring an end to your sex life. That is what's happened, and unless you kick up a big stink and make moves to leave the relationship, he's not going to lift a finger (or anything else) to change it. You have to decide what it's worth to you.

Original poster
nybom · 08/07/2009 16:10

expat - the choices seem pretty clear the way you put them (but i don't like any of them - I WANT HIM TO CHANGE (sulk)!).

brightongirl - so is your DH also refusing to talk to a health professional about it?
this just reminds me: you can probably understand how stupid i feel when my GP askes me on occasion (she's also the family planning doctor) if i need another tube of spermacide gel (i've only used the first tube twice, thankyou, haven't even started the second). it is sooo humiliating and makes me feel unwomanly, though i KNOW it is stupid as i'm quite happy with myself, and other men seem to as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
nybom · 08/07/2009 16:15

yankncock - sounds like you've been through a lot... and i now feel like i'm kicking up a fuss about nothing. i should be grateful for DH. actually, that is one of the reasons why i haven't taken any action - most women would be happy about a little less sex, no? and we have children, friends, jobs, money and a good relationship (apart from sex)...

OP posts:
YanknCock · 08/07/2009 16:18

Ooh, forgot to add on the medical side... ExH had an attached frenulum and possibly a bit of phimosis (too-tight foreskin). I cajoled him into going to the GP to have it looked at, because he said he 'didn't get much pleasure out of sex'. The GP recommended a small procedure to loosen the frenulum, but ExH wouldn't do it because the GP wouldn't 'guarantee' it would make sex feel better.

Thing is, the physical problem was probably caused or exacerbated by the fact that he never masturbated until his very late teens (no desire to). Growing up in the U.S. at my age, we don't know much about foreskins, but now having done some research it seems he could have avoided the problem by stretching the foreskin more in his younger days.