DH doesn't like sex...

[nybom]

...and never has done!

he is healthy, he is straight, he is (fairly) young, and he loves me. but he finds sex boring. even back in the early days he wasn't too keen, and at first i even thought he was gay, because he was so indifferent about sex and not sexually driven, like most other men.

he's not interested in porn and he finds sexy underwear hilarious, so there is no way i can think of how to spice things up...

we've had sex twice in the last 18 months.

i'm only glad that my libido isn't what it used to be before having kids, but once a year is not enough for me! with previous BF, even after years, we had sex at least every two days. i'd be happy about once a week now...

we've been sleeping in different rooms for a while (all to do with sleeping arrangements during last pregnancy, BFin the baby etc., NOT because we don't like each other). before that, the only times we would have sex was, at night, when DH woke up and we would initially cuddle, and it all went from there... it was great, because it always was such a (pleasant) surprise.

the whole thing makes me feel rather worthless as a woman. many other men find me sexually attractive, but (of course) i ignore any advances. i'm not the type of person to start an affair, so i'm trapped with the outlook of rarely, if ever, having sex again.

DH is (very) happy with the current state of things, and if we went to a councelling or whatever and he were talked into having sex for my sakes i would feel bad about that - having to beg for sex in a marriage, as a woman, that does not feel right at all...

anybody else have a similar problem (can't imagine that...)?

DH seems to think everythings ok.
I have to admit my problem was with thrush when I went to see doc and immediately she said "have you asked your partner if he is having any irritation down below" and all I could think was "I should be so lucky".
I just don't think a friendship can last. Sex creates that beautiful intimacy between a couple and I really miss that.

nybom, it isn't NOTHING! I think it's worse for you because you've got many reasons to stay, and a culture that tells you you should be grateful for not being 'pestered'!

You don't have to be 'most women'. You are yourself, and you want to have sex. That is completely normal. Look at all the people who've responded, you are not alone. But because it's more traditionally the man saying 'I don't get enough', we suffer in silence and think we should be grateful for whatever scraps are dealt out.

No one can tell you how to handle it, but if you feel 'worthless as a woman' and bad for asking him for sex, it's going to impact on the rest of your relationship sooner or later.

I wouldn't expect a man to be happy with twice a year so why should a woman only be happy with twice a year? We're the same species, sex is a very very important part of making a marriage work.

YankNCock puts it brilliantly!

I do know two women, friends of my mother's, who were in marriages similar to yours (well, my mother's nearly 70 and one of the friends in question is now a widow), who had long-term affairs with men whose wives wanted little or no sex.

What most other people would and would not like sexually is totally irrelevant, OP. What matters is what you want. You say you want your H to change for your benefit, unfortunately he is not likely to do so (because what's in it for him?) We can;t force other people to change, we can only change the way we relate to them.
I wonder if, in fact, you and him were ever sexually compatible ie if you married him because his low libido was a relief after your XP's high libido? Do you maybe have a few issues around what's 'acceptable' in terms of sex, as well?
ONe reason I am asking this is that sometimes people who appear to have little or no libido actually have a specific fetish which they are ashamed of. It doesn't have to be anything unethical but it might be something that he is terrified to mention in case you laugh or are disgusted. Have the two of you ever talked about types of sexual activity?

Interesting, SGB. I once knew someone like that (thankfully it was a housemate, not me who was sleeping - or not - with him); he was a cross dresser, which nowadays in terms of fetishes is so vanilla it's not true, but it terrified him to the point where he didn't want to start letting go.

Op, If your husband has little body hair and a reducing interest in sex please get him checked out by GP - my son began to have reducing body hair only a couple of years after going through puberty and showed no interest in sex at all - turned out he had a Prolactinoma ( growth of part of pituitary gland that makes prolactin and when it enlarges stops testosterone production) it is usually easily cleared up with drugs, but pressure on the optic nerve can cause blindness if you ignore it.

Yes OP: given that there is (from what you have posted) a possibility that there is a medical reason for your H's low libido, if he won't go to the GP on the grounds that you are unhappy, maybe you could scare him into consulting the doctor by pointing out that he might actually be ill and in danger of getting worse. Because he's obviously keen on his own wellbeing and thinks he matters more than you do, or he would be at least discussing the issue with you and trying to work with you on finding a compromise.

I would suggest you talk to a doctor or a counsellor. I was in a similar position - although it was fine early in our marriage, we got to the point when my H just wasn't interested and we went for years without having sex at all. Like you, we were quite affectionate and cuddly, and always got on well. I just thought he had a low sex drive and I put up with it - got used to it, actually. But lo and behold, he then had an affair. If he had a low sex drive that was because of me - we had lost intimacy. I really regret not having addressed the problem - you at least have discussed it with him. I was afraid to do that because I feared the answer I would get to why he didn't want sex was that he just didn't fancy me any more