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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Another persistent OW at work

36 replies

Hadenoughnow · 07/07/2009 17:06

Name changed. I'm living in the aftermath of H's affair. Things are going very well between us and we are both feeling very positive. OW is still trying to call him on a daily basis. He's told her not to and is now refusing her calls. He's changed his mobile number twice but she has got it from colleagues. He can't not give the number to colleagues because they need to get in touch with him.

I don't know what he should do for the best. I know it's his mess and he should clean it up but I am now very worried about him. I'm 100% sure he has finished it with her. I have the impression that OW is trying to destabilise our relationship by calling all the time but it is having the opposite effect.

I don't want his career to be jeopardised by this. His chances of finding another job at the moment are virtually zero. The area he works in is quite small and close knit so if he moved to another company he would still have to have contact with the department he currently works in.

He's keeping a note of the dates and times she calls. It's affecting his work. I'm worried she will go to HR and make allegations against him when in fact she is the one harassing him. On a practical level what should he do now? What will happen if he tells HR about the affair? There have been a few odd incidents recently that have made me feel stalked. What can he/we do? He has already tried obvious tactics like asking her to stop.

I'm looking for practical advice here, not to hear how awful my husband is. I'm dealing with the situation between him and me, but the worry about the work situation is giving us both panic attacks.

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 07/07/2009 17:15

I very much doubt she would actually make any false allegations, especially given the weight of evidence against her.

She is presumably just after his attention. How long has this been going on, and has he tried just simply ignoring her? Surely she'll get the message if there's no drama or attention to be had from her approaches to him.

MildredRoper · 07/07/2009 17:16

Maybe he should get some legal advice?

I'm not sure that an affair is any of hr's business, but harrassment is. Is he in a union?

Also, does he need to be contactable at any time of the day or night or just during working hours. Sure you've probably thought of this but he could have two phones if able to switch the work one off.

amisuchabadmummy · 07/07/2009 17:18

Is it possible to ring up the phone company and get her number barred?

FenellaFudge · 07/07/2009 17:20

If this has been going on for a good while and she is still persisting then I think it would be worth getting some legal advice.

Overmydeadbody · 07/07/2009 17:27

What undignified behaviour from the OW.

Sounds like it is bordering on stalking and your DH should seek legal advice.

Original poster

Hadenoughnow · 07/07/2009 17:27

He has been ignoring her for ages and I thought she would have lost interest by now. It is his work mobile and he keeps it switched off when not at work. She is also calling his desk phone. As it is a work phone he is obliged to go through the IT dept to block a number rather than just call the provider himself.

I expect it is hard for her to accept that he has come back to me after all the claptrap he told her about me but I really thought she would have given up by now. He doesn't even know what she wants. She might just want to have it out with him but the time for that has passed.

She is also a happily married woman so I don't know why she doesn't just concentrate on her happy marriage.

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 07/07/2009 17:29

Does her DH know about the affair?

Original poster

Hadenoughnow · 07/07/2009 17:36

He does not, as far as I know. I think he has a right to know but I am scared of the repercussions of his finding out. I had a scary moment when a strange car parked outside our house for hours with a man staring at the house and I thought it might be her husband, though in the end it wasn't. That and the fact that I am here on my own with small children much of the time made me decide not to try to initiate contact with her H.

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 07/07/2009 17:39

Perhaps she wants to get in touch to beg you not to contact her DH.

Would it be worth getting your DH to answer her call just once to say 'what do you want from me'? Then at least you'd know why she keeps calling.

Please don't feel scared, I can only imagine it highly unlikely that you or your DCs are at any risk here.

Original poster

Hadenoughnow · 07/07/2009 17:46

I don't think I'm at risk of being attacked or anything but I'm quite concerned about my front garden turning into the Jeremy Kyle Show - Live. Without going into details a few unusual things have happened and I feel jittery.

OP posts:

Kimi · 07/07/2009 17:47

Could your DH speak to HR and explain she is harassing him.

Original poster

Hadenoughnow · 07/07/2009 17:52

That's what I'm leaning towards Kimi but what are the consequences for him if he goes to HR about this? Will it be on his record? Will his managers find out about the affair if they don't already know? He says nobody at work knows but I am unconvinced.

OP posts:

abedelia · 07/07/2009 18:01

Get DH to speak to HR - pre-empting her is the best way. They can log her calls and their frequency. Keep a record of texts - download them to a computer via a card reader (£5 off Ebay).

Personally, I'd tell her H as I think people have a right to know who and what they have married (and with him keeping an eye on her it is likely to stop). But others will have a different view, I know. If my H's OW's H hand't have known she'd have kept on for all eternity.

Any funny stuff and you can then bring in solicitors and the police. It's very, very unlikely you or your dcs will suffer and nutters usually give a warning if they are up to stuff, which can be passed on to the authorities.

MIAonline · 07/07/2009 18:01

If I am being really honest (and this is not necessarily good advice) I would phone her, or ask DH to, and tell her if she doesn't stop phoning your DH, you might take it upon yourself to pester her DH with phone calls.

What does she think is going to happen. She is lucky you haven't already let her DH know, She wants to continue trying to split you and your DH up whilst keeping her DH in the dark.

Has your DH told her that you know?

HappyWoman · 07/07/2009 18:01

I would imagine people at work already know anyway. I remember when my thought no-one knew when in reality it was old office gossip.
I would make hr aware of it - it is harrasment and can turn nasty - they was a girl in h office who accussed a man of inappropriate behaviour - she was paid off and then they found she had done it several times before .

You owe her nothing - and should not have to feel bad about telling people what she is up to now.

Kimi · 07/07/2009 18:02

Well I think it is a chance he may have to take, if you think she may try and get him in bother I really think he needs to look for help from the HR department, can he have an "informal" chat

Original poster

Hadenoughnow · 07/07/2009 18:18

That's what I think, that people at work know. He would like me to go on nights out with his work colleagues because I've never gone but I could never go now, knowing that they all probably know.

Have any of you actually reported this sort of thing to HR?

She knows I know. I think because of all the tripe he told her about me she may think he is back with me under duress and biding his time until I let my guard down. She might not want him back at all. But what else could it be? She's not pregnant and we've been checked for STIs. It seems to me that she either wants to restart the relationship or discuss the end of the relationship with him. I believe we have moved on in every respect apart from this and I have been telling myself for weeks that she will get bored soon after getting no response.

OP posts:

Simples · 07/07/2009 18:21

This isnt related to the washing is it?

Original poster

Hadenoughnow · 07/07/2009 18:29

Washing? No.

OP posts:

SparkleyBaubles · 07/07/2009 20:02

Her husband should be told. By your Husband preferably. She is hiding behind the fact she hasn't been found out.

ginnny · 07/07/2009 21:36

You should go to the work nights out. YOU have nothing to be ashamed of. Who cares what his colleagues know - its him who should feel shamefaced for cheating on his wife. Also if she is there and sees you and DH happy and secure then it might make her see through all the crap he told her.
I think he should answer and ask what she wants, then tell her if she carries on he'll tell her DH and HR.
That might be enough to scare her off.

Original poster

Hadenoughnow · 08/07/2009 10:44

I find the work nights out very unappealing and they are something I have always avoided. I used to make valiant efforts to avoid going out with my own colleagues. OW won't be there as she works in a different department.

How would I go about telling her husband? The only thing I can think of is turning up on their doorstep but that isn't my style. I don't even know where he works. One recurring theme of the affair is that my H seems to know very little about the OW's day to day life but she knows every little detail about us and our lives. My H is quite other worldly and wouldn't ask lots of questions about things which were not relevant to him but it seems she has questioned him in a lot of detail about me and our life together.

OP posts:

katemumtwo · 08/07/2009 11:40

If you know her full name then it's as simple as looking on 192.com, they'll probably be on the electoral roll, possibly with phone number.

Original poster

Hadenoughnow · 08/07/2009 13:51

They're not on 192. I think you can opt out of the version of the electoral register that is sold on commercially. Not in phone book either. I can't imagine ringing up and asking to speak to him and telling him this.

OP posts:

katemumtwo · 08/07/2009 14:20

Well, if you know the address then put a note in the post, asking him to call you urgently.

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