Another persistent OW at work

[Hadenoughnow]

Name changed. I'm living in the aftermath of H's affair. Things are going very well between us and we are both feeling very positive. OW is still trying to call him on a daily basis. He's told her not to and is now refusing her calls. He's changed his mobile number twice but she has got it from colleagues. He can't not give the number to colleagues because they need to get in touch with him.

I don't know what he should do for the best. I know it's his mess and he should clean it up but I am now very worried about him. I'm 100% sure he has finished it with her. I have the impression that OW is trying to destabilise our relationship by calling all the time but it is having the opposite effect.

I don't want his career to be jeopardised by this. His chances of finding another job at the moment are virtually zero. The area he works in is quite small and close knit so if he moved to another company he would still have to have contact with the department he currently works in.

He's keeping a note of the dates and times she calls. It's affecting his work. I'm worried she will go to HR and make allegations against him when in fact she is the one harassing him. On a practical level what should he do now? What will happen if he tells HR about the affair? There have been a few odd incidents recently that have made me feel stalked. What can he/we do? He has already tried obvious tactics like asking her to stop.

I'm looking for practical advice here, not to hear how awful my husband is. I'm dealing with the situation between him and me, but the worry about the work situation is giving us both panic attacks.

This is just so typical - the men either dont know or forget the details - whereas us woman seem to able to retain lots of little bits of info.

My ow knew a lot about me and my life - i suspect so she could justify what she was doing by me being such a crap wife - and when i knew who it was i gathered as much info as possible - some of even h did not know and he was shocked that i could remember small things he had let slip when i first found out.

I suspect she wants to hurt you now and this the only way she can do it - we feared this for a while too.

I dont think HR can do anything really but at least they will have his account on record just in case she tries to do some thing at work. If there is a rule about no relationships then they may both be in touble - but what is done is done and so now you need to think of damage limitation. I really dont think the truth will ever hold hiim back in his career but having to always look over your shoulder is a bigger threat.

I went through a very similar situation, except it wasn't an affair and they didn't work together. It was a supposed friend of mine. Anyway we had a counsellor and he told us (and the police said the same) that under no circumstances must we respond to anything she sent. We told DH's work all about it and they were great giving him new email/mobile etc but she still found out, after several attempts, by contacting his work and pretending to be a client. She was mentally disturbed and the quickest way to get people like that out of your life is to cut them off completely. We also had a situation where she knew far more about us than we did about her. She would quiz me constantly about me, my family and DH, but me being too trusting and a bit naive didn't put it all together until it was too late. I felt very vulnerable like you but two years on I feel fine, and she only lives three miles away.

Hi,this is an awful situation for you- I know I've been there- it's like a cancer in your life and at a time when you are trying to heal it just wont go away!

In my experience the OW wouldn't go away, after my dh finally saw sense and ended it all.The positive side of it was we had to work together to solve the mess he'd made which eventually brought us closer. She kept phoning him (several number changes)emailing, then when he didn't respond sent emails to home and work under different names so he'd open them before he knew it was her, she turned up at his work- he changed jobs she did the same there, she sent post to him at work (we sealed up and sent back).......each time he didn't respond, told me -we decided together what to do.

I fear that even though your dh has ended it, the fact that her dh does not know and she realises your dh has not told him is fuelling her denial of the end of the affair. ( along the lines...he really doesn't want to end it...it's just his wife....if he really didn't want me he'd have told my dh!).

This is her not accepting it's over, not moving out of the fantasy and not getting enough of reality hitting her....she's still in escapism-which is what affairs are!
I feel she needs a sharper does of reality.

In my situation the reality came from me getting into her life...I met her dh, her parents and just simply told them that we needed her to get out of our lives completely....my dh kept telling her dh when she contacted him.

We had got to the point where he was going to tell HR (to cover himself)the next step was to meet her and us both be there together saying the same thing....it's over...we're together....get out of our lives.Then we would have got some legal advise.We never had to go that far.
Eventually it stopped.

It's been nearly 5 years now...not a word!

Thanks for all your replies. She has been in touch again today. We are going to have to decide how to handle this soon.

Had enough. Slightly different take on this situation. I wonder whether you could actually view this as an opportunity? I understand that you and your DH are rebuilding and that's great (and well done!) but I wonder whether in your mind, he has told OW WHY he is with you and not her?

In so many ways, I'd love the OW in our case to get in touch. I was in so much shock nearly a year ago when my DH ended it with her, that I didn't have the clarity to insist he told her some home truths. I still worry that she thinks he committed to our marriage because of the children - or our lifestyle. Most days I would give anything for her to contact him again and hear the truth.

Can I suggest that he hears what she has to say (in your presence)and tells her exactly why it has ended and how bitterly he regrets the whole thing? He should tell her that if she persists in contacting him, he will inform her DH and consider a harassment order. It goes without saying that your DH should be man enough to face up to an angry husband and should be prepared to go through the indignity of facing the police with a complaint.

Most people, however deranged and volatile, will retreat once they really know it's over. She's got an awful lot to lose too. I suspect ignoring her will not work in this case and I think you're going to get far more peace of mind in the long term if you confront this together as a team. I completely understand your fears at being in the house on your own with DCs, but try to see this as a golden opportunity to give you peace of mind and certainty in the long term.

Just one other thought - having read through the entire thread and seen that he keeps his phone switched off while at home - I assume you are checking his phone yourself?

I don't know if that would work WWIFN. He told her so many lies about me and our relationship that I don't think she believes he is happy with me and if he told her so she would think I had put him up to it. I certainly don't want to meet her.

She is under the impression that our marriage is deeply flawed and doomed to failure. I watched him very closely for a time and found that while he said some unpleasant things about me she was the one saying the really awful things. At first I thought it was because that's what he wanted to hear - poor lamb, having to live with that dragon - but now I think it was because she really believed it. While I would like her to know that everything is not as she was led to believe I don't want to be part of it.

He has only started keeping the phone switched off since she got hold of his replacement number. I've no worries on that score. It is definitely over.

Had enough. This sounds very odd - almost like you are disconnected from the whole thing. I don't think you have said how recent this all was, but is it possible you are still in shock?

I can remember that despite my shock, I did say to DH that he had to be absolutely emphatic that it was over with her and although it took a while (and she E mailed and phoned a lot in the first few days) the killer punch was when she asked him whether he would contact her again if things didn't work out with me. He said that he absolutely would not. I like to think that she realised then that actually, he would have finished the relationship with her whether he was married or single.

She acted a bit like a woman scorned for a while, but in a remote, cowardly way (networking sites) as in truth, she was far too much of a coward to confront me or him in person. I suspect her husband didn't know either (although she said she had told him). The trouble with her though was she was an absolute fantasist and told the most awful lies all of the time - and neither me nor my DH believe now that her H actually knows.

One of my biggest regrets is that we didn't tell him, but like you, I was terrified that we'd have some angry H on the drive and privacy (and the children's blissful ignorance about all this) is terribly important to me. I realise now that I should have actually insisted my DH phoned her H and apologised personally. In our case, OW's H had been unfaithful himself twice, so he could hardly have taken the high ground with my H - but I do believe this could be the answer to your problem.

Get your H to phone her H. This will have the dual effect of making your H acknowledge his actions - and giving you a sign that he is really contrite.

I also genuinely believe that other betrayed spouses have a right to know what has been going on and I am still wracked with guilt that some poor sod might have children with this bitch....

So in summary, get your H to tell her H. Can almost guarantee that will solve the problem in one fell swoop and it will also solve a few other problems along the way. Your H can appeal to the H's better instincts by asking him NOT to turn up at your house, as it's not fair on you and the DCs, who are innocent parties in all this. But your DH should be quite prepared to face the wrath of her H.

I take it that you were monitoring his communications with her before discovery day, so are you monitoring them now?

I did wonder for a while if I was in shock because I am remarkably calm about the whole thing but on reflection I think I am just dealing with it better than I ever thought possible. At first H was suggesting all sorts of things were wrong with our relationship but he eventually admitted there wasn't really anything wrong. I think it was just an aberration on his part. I do believe we have a great future together and H is full of regret. I have discovered myself to be stronger than I imagined. I probably sound quite detached but I am a practical person and I try to stick to the facts when posting on here.

I also feel it is better that I remain calm because the OW is displaying signs of what I would describe as mental illness. There's more to her behaviour than I have written here, but what you say about your OW being a fantasist rings very true.

Yes, I'm keeping a close eye on things, communication wise.