why do good men look at porn?i dont understand male physche.......

[freya555]

I posted y- day re fact that my Ds looked at porn after we had our child- I got some really supportive advice and we are going to councelling which is important- i do understand that he did it becos he was feeling lonely.However what I dont understand is WHY men do it - i dont think i understand men ! .One person said that it was prob no big deal to him but to me its offensive and makes me feel now that im like an objject when we have sex - and that if a guy doesnt get sex with a real woman then turning to just a picture makes me feel like i just serve a function - does that make sense.?ie if he doesnt have the real thing hey ho an imae will do and it makes me feel yakkkk! he doesnt do it now but its imbedded in a bit which is why we are going for councelling but in meantime any advice re male mind set as i just feel rather niave!!

I think we should remember there is such a huge range of porn - some of it is exploitative, but all of it isn't. There are plenty of empowered, feminist women making porn (and plenty of empowered. feminist women watching it).

I am Empowered. I am a Feminist.

However, I get my rocks off watching explicit porn. All sorts of it. And there are lots and lots of men and women just like me. They're not mutually exclusive.

someone at work was sacked for having it off in a carpark

a hospital carpark with about a zillion cctv cameras !

again, it wasn't me

ONe of the most common false arguments from the anti-porn side is along the lines of 'I wouldn't like to do this (whether it's bumsex, group sex or blowjobs) therefore no decent woman likes this, therefore every woman you see doing it is drugged/enslaved/in denial of The Truth'.
And while it is possible that some of the stuff on (for instance) Xtube is uploaded without the full consent of those who appear in it, this won't be true of all of it. Because not that many men (or women) are vindictive shits who want to humiliate former partners in that way. Most of the people who like porn, like sex, treat it lightheartedly and are perfectly pleasant human beings.

so in the whole of mumsnetdom, there has been one example of sex uploaded without consent

not an everyday occurrence then

SolidGoldBrass, that's just dumb. Of course I'm not saying "I wouldn't willingly do this, therefore no-one else would willingly do it, and must therefore be being coerced". What some radical feminists do argue, however, is that pornography is a multi-billion dollar industry that desensitizes the user and has subtle but harmful effects on the whole of society...which is a bit more complicated than your theory.

pornography harms society

Radical Feminists do take a very anti-sex stance though.

there is more than one way to enjoy yourself

because it isn't the "norm" doesn't make it wrong

coercion is wrong, forcing people into prostitution is wrong, abuse of vulnerable others is wrong

not all pornography is wrong

I got shot down in flames for outing the poster mentioned months ago |(|not saying name again as I was attacked last time)

You're right dittany, a lot of the porn industry is very exploitative. So are many industries. Is it worse to buy sweat shop made clothes, or mainstream porn I wonder? Is it ok to buy ethical porn?

I think you are deliberately misunderstanding me to make a point dittany

I am not talking about prostitution and forced participation

Right from the beginning of this thread I have been saying there is nothing wrong with consenting adults (who might be a bit kinky, but hey, whatever floats our boat) using the medium of film to enjoy themselves and titillate other like-minded people

I have said no more than this

You don't have to partake of it

The kind of sites that encourage this are pretty well signposted, so if you monitor your dc's PC use, where is the harm ?

fgs, I don't even participate in this kinda behaviour (although I realise it now certainly sounds like it), I just don't think it compares to what you keep banging on about

IMO, very thought provoking points made on both sides of the argument.

I only want to ask a question: would porn be okay if we could be sure that women (and men) involved were not under any sort of coercion? That is a very hypothetical question but I think there are more than one moral questions involved but people tend to role into one single question:

-whether the women or men are being being forced
-whether the images are degrading to women
-whether it offensive for a man to get turned on by the images of a woman other than his wife

etc

aRLcat, AnyFucker et al make some very pragmatic points but I can see that Dittany and others have what I might call a purist view on the subject which I hesitate to dismiss as there are negative subliminal messages in so much of the modern media. However, I wouldn't start with porn if I wanted to advance the female cause. I would be worried if my daughter was involved with a man who did help her at home, or who was violent or who wanted to control her. But if she was enjoying porn with him, I would say fine, enjoy your sex life.

PS I am a fairly obvious namechanger intending to turn over a new leaf as my children found out my previous name and know how to google

... daughter was involved with a man who did didn't help her at home...

Yes WRT to the 'negative' messages porn is supposed to transmit (ie that women exist only for men's benefit) this is a message transmitted far more strongly and widely through other media. I think more misery is caused to more women by them being forcefed the idea that domestic service is their destiny, that because they are (mostly) capable of having babies then that's what they are 'for' and that a woman who is not a mother is a failure in some way, that women can;t cope with demanding jobs, that women are spiteful airheads or delicate blossoms who can't make decisions for themselves, and I think addressing sexism in wider society will do far more for women than focussing purely on people's sexual choices.

TD, that says a lot (that you would be ok with porn between consenting adults as opposed to eg.controlling behaviour)

rather more eloquent than me, I feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall

Dittany, you are a very black/white person

Are there no grey areas in your life at all ?

Genuine question btw, not an attack

The reason I say that, is because when I have in the past asked you a personal question you take it as offensive for some reason

Yes, let's talk about 'love' and how harmful the peddling of love can be. About how women are often expected to stay in relationships with lazy arses or abusers because 'He loves you really', about how love, for women, seems to mean giving up on your own ambitions, needs and wishes and putting a man's wishes first.

good points SGB: I would be more concerned if my son in law uses her as his maid or hits her than if he or she were looking at porn of whatever sort (posh or rough).

back to the OP

she "loves" her husband

he uses porn

Dittany, what is she to do ?