why do good men look at porn?i dont understand male physche.......

[freya555]

I posted y- day re fact that my Ds looked at porn after we had our child- I got some really supportive advice and we are going to councelling which is important- i do understand that he did it becos he was feeling lonely.However what I dont understand is WHY men do it - i dont think i understand men ! .One person said that it was prob no big deal to him but to me its offensive and makes me feel now that im like an objject when we have sex - and that if a guy doesnt get sex with a real woman then turning to just a picture makes me feel like i just serve a function - does that make sense.?ie if he doesnt have the real thing hey ho an imae will do and it makes me feel yakkkk! he doesnt do it now but its imbedded in a bit which is why we are going for councelling but in meantime any advice re male mind set as i just feel rather niave!!

Most women do not look at porn ime. Are there stats to say otherwise?

I don't like the idea of men looking at porn either, and I will never accept the MN norm that porn is absolutely fine and that we should all just chill out.

My opinion is as valid as a porn user's, thank you very much.

As a man, I agree with (in no particular order):
aRLcat,
AMumInScotland
Anyfucker
Shiney
gagamama
SolidGoldBrass
ILoveTIFFANY
MamaLaz arou
(well, everyone, really - sorry if i missed you out)

and I feel so much better that the majority of women (at best) realise there's nothing to be scared of and join in, and (at very least) understand it's nothing against them or the relationship and no big deal.

(Ex is nightmare anyway, but had particular anti-wanking thing. Not anti-porn, just anti me wanking.)

May I also suggest another source reason for his porn use?

He may be somewhat unsure of, well, everything since the birth, and in need of some attention. Even if it's not your first child. It's often far easier to get negative attention by doing something you know will upset / annoy, than feel able to just ask for some positive attention.

Please. Don't be too hard on yourself, or on him. Especially if everything else is good.

I don't really like the social acceptance of porn either. It's as if, if you have a problem with porn then it's you who needs counselling - says who? I think the porn industry is criminal and corrupt and it abuses women.

OP, if your man respects you then he'll try to understand your pov. Because from your post it seems that it's YOU who's trying here, YOU who is going to counselling. What's HE doing? Does he understand how it makes you feel?

Everyone is different and if you don't like porn, feel uncomfortable with it, no-one should try to make you feel like you are the one with the problem. You are entitled to feel how you like. I would feel the same way tbh.

Thankyou all for your views - im not saying im right to feel this way ,and i dont meant to be hard on him-im just trying to address my feelings, get them out explore them, and move on.I didnt make him go to councelling because he had a wank -its not as simple as that its because i felt awkward about it and it affected our communication overtime ,which is what we are tring to sort out in councelling u see ...

good luck freya, I hope the councelling helps you both to communicate better

out of interest, when you found out he had been watching porn, did you react with tears/anger/disgust?

yes i did im afraid - tears and anger - i feel really bad that has haunted me and ive let it get in way of our relationship.quite a few replies say im hard on him but in a way ive been hard on myself - as someone said its more about me than him and i do know that ..

I think your reaction had more to do with the fact that you are young, you've just had a child, you feel quite low and still shell-shocked and the fact that he's turned to porn, has just made you feel even worse about yourself and you feel betrayed.

All very normal feelings imo.

Have a good chat with him, let him know how you feel. Perhaps once you feel better about yourself you won't be quite as bothered? But this is a vulnerable time for you and he would do well to remember that.

aww, you do sound young and sheltered

how old are you ?

did you have your dh on somewhat of a pedestal before this?

In actually in my 40 s !!!!!!!!!! HOWEVER you are totally correct that i had him on pedesatl b4 this happened which was a long way for him to fall !!!!!!!thankyou that is so perceptive of u how did you know? !!!I think he is one of first people i trusted u c and i took it as a rejection somehow..but im working on it ...

What's wrong with tears, anger, disgust etc? If that's how you feel than that's how you feel.

You'd be in even worse need of conselling if you did the apparently 'right thing' and acted cool about something that in fact upsets, angers and disgusts you.

I too reacted like that once in a past relationship. We broke up anyway but I will never deny my feelings about what I found and don't see why I should.

Maybe I have a problem, maybe porn users do. But at least can we communicate openly about it and not have to pretend to feel things that we don't.

sorry, you must be young in your outlook though

I am in the 40's and just jaded lol

I thought I would be right about the pedestal, what a long way he had to fall.....

He is human, that is all

he isn't rejecting you, wanking to porn is a cheap and grubby way to get his rocks off, but not perverted or in judgment of you and your post-baby body

most reasonable men know that pneumatic tits and airbrushed skin is just fantasy, and that what they have at home is real

freya555 - I do not like porn and I am sure DW would be as unhappy as you are in a simlar situation. I/we do not use it. Others do and some couples enjoy it together an make no judgement on that or the ethical issues.

Are you really only upset by the porn? Are you also upset by the masturbation if you had DH on a pedestal? The really important things to remember are:

1. Men tend to need sexual release (orgasm/ejaculation ) much more often than women and almost all men do regularly masturbate and often do so if they do not want to pester their partner and esecially just before and after the birth of a child. Often therefore men do it because they are being considerate to their partner. It is not an overall bad thing if it does not affect the rest of the relationship. Men do often feel lonely and do miss sex at those times. DH is telling the truth on that.

1. I have seen a survey that shows men overwhelmingly think about their GF/DW/DP while masturbating.

1. Masturbation for men fullfills a physical need and is nothing like sex except it results in ejaculation. It has no bearing on their feelings for their GF/DW/DP.

If you are only upset the by porn, please do not think that your DH is comparing you with what he saw in the pictures he saw. Honestly, he is not. He undoubtedly feels very upset about this and you feel upset. It is quite possible DH feels deeply deeply ashamed and feels you are upset about him masturbating not just the porn. You need to work together to resolve this. He undobtedly feels he cannot talk about it to you but without that you cannot move forward.

If someone showed me a picture of a naked woman now, or a scene involving nudity unexpectedly came on TV in a film I might become somewhat aroused. Absolutely nothing I can do about that, it is a very primeval part of my brain that responds. I am a nice normal man though and love my DW very much. Your DH is the same.

I think it is very hard for women to properly understand how men feel about porn and vice versa. I also think there are sometimes very unkind/unfair/uninformed things said about men on MN in relation to their sex drive, masturbation and how they feel about sex - but what has been said on this thread is very good indeed even if I do not agree with all points of view.

morris, I didn't mean that she should deny those feelings she had, of course she cannot help how she feels

however, if I were confronted with that reaction when "caught" doing something I didn't see a problem with, then my reaction would likely to be one of self-defence and obstinacy

in fact, I would have told her to sod off and stop trying to control me, tbh (no offence, OP )

what would have been more beneficial was a calm talk about why he had to resort to this, how it made me feel bad and could we come to some compromise in the future

hopefully these two will get some help to communicate better in the future

good post ABD, very supportive of both people in this situation

Blimey freya, I'm sorry you're so upset over this.

I love a good old fiddle myself And the more dirty the porn, the better!

MorrisZapp interesting that you're asking for statistics, when a lot of the women here have quite clearly that they like porn and masturbation

hi freya i responded to your thread yesterday

I am sorry to see you are still so upset.

it is really good you are taking steps to address things and understand why you are feeling liek this

has something happened in your past? a previous relationship or something that has given you the impression that men who look at porn are bad?

you must think he is a good man, your DH, so you need to focus on his good points rather than one or two instances of him looking at porn.

if you don't like it, obviously he needs to respect that, BUT he is not using it to the detriment of you and the children... he is not addicted and spending time and money on it that he can't afford

You see, I do think that a blanket opposition to 'porn' ie a refusal to accept that it's perfectly all right to look at sexually-explicit entertainment material, and an insistence that all sexually-explicit entertainment material is a) made by coercing unwilling performers into performing and b) transmits negative social messages and nothing but negative social messages is a sign of sexual dysfunction - at the very least of sexual bigotry.

SolidGoldBrass - I agree, all "porn" is not all the same. Some of it is undeniably exploitative, but actually the stuff I seek is most definitely not and the women involved would definitely not consider themselves victims.

MorrisZapp - I don't know about statistics, but I am a lot more interested in porn/erotica than my DP is.

I asked for stats in relation to a post that said 'most men and women look at porn'. I don't think that most men look at porn, and I'm certain that most women don't.

Does anybody have actual stats on this issue? I'm well aware that lots of women look at porn, I just seriously doubt that most do.

MZ: I do not know of any stats or anything other than anecdotal evidence, and FWIW any study purporting to show how many people of any gender regularly enjoy porn would be completely useless. Because unless the people questioned were given truth drugs or put under an unethical level of surveillance there would be no way to tell how truthful their answers to questions were (this, by the way is why all surveys on sexual behaviour should be treated with considerable scepticism except some of Kinsey's). From reading threads on the subject on MN, for instance, it is not unreasonable to say that quite a number of women look at sexually explicit material for the purpose of arousal. But whether that's even most MNers would be a hard one to guesss (given the numbers of MNers who don't discuss such things and/or don#t go on any topics other than ante-natal/potty-training/chicken-keeping).

Fair comment. I know that for many, porn is just a normal and harmless part of life. But for me - and many others ime - it isn't.

So I don't accept that anybody who finds porn upsetting or disgusting 'has a problem'.

I have used porn too, a couple of times, but didn't enjoy it beyond feeling physically aroused without my brain engaged if you know what I mean. ie it made my body want to have sex in the same way that my stomach wants a MacDonalds if I watch an advert for it.

I didn't like the feeling of manipulation. And I do have issues with how it portrays women and how this translates to wider attitudes in society.

Each to their own - I don't advocate a ban on porn or anything, but I will never accept the MN mantra of chill out it's normal.

limonchik/MorrisZapp - as we are discussing the issue, here is an interesting observation I made yesterday.

As I was queuing up to buy my FT and Sunday Times I noticed a woman maybe 25 year sold buying a copy of current Cosmopolitan magazine. I happened to see the front cover and splashed across it was an invitation to buy it on the basis that inside was a special sealed section containing pictures of "Cosmopolitan Strip: 21 Celeb Men Butt Naked".

I must admit I was quiet surprised but am not offended. Is that porn? Women are surely looking at it in fairly large numbers? I could equally link to fairly mainstream men's magazines showing similar pictures.

cosmo is traditionally full of smut

"1001 ways to get a cracking orgasm..."

"what do I do with my clitoris/his nob/spit or swallow etc etc...."

that kinda stuff

but that's OK, cos its aimed at women ??

I happen to know a few blokes who have used Cosmo to get their jolies.......

AnyFucker - I must admit I feel you may be right about the slight dicotomy of views about male versus female magazines.

The trouble with a discussion of 'porn' is that some people always use the word to mean 'all sexually explicit stuff', others mean 'just the stuff that I don't like'. So - one for the anti-porners. Do you think that all sexually explicit entertainment material is wrong? If not, how and where do you draw the line? It often seems as though the line is 'if women buy it it's OK but men are all vile beasts therefore anything they look at is wrong.'
Mind you, it is vitally important to remember that sexual pleasure without love and having sex with yourself alone are Good Things, not bad ones.