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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

advice wanted

27 replies

redpoppy · 16/05/2005 13:33

Changed my name incase of dh.

Been married for 6 years. He is incredabilly selfish, in all aspects of our relationship. He spends all day if he's off in the room with the computer in, it feels like we lead separate lives and if i mention this he goes off on one. I said to him the computer would be the end of us if we got it and he said no'. I am fed up of bringing up our kids single handed, i work part time aswell, i do find it hard to talk about it, and over this weekend i have really felt like leaving, but have no where to go, because my family live elsewhere and i don't wanna leave this area becuase of schools and i really like my job and the people, was just wondering for future refence would the council help me in housing me if i walked out and said our marriage had ended? or would they say i made myself homeless?? what would happen with money?? Because i know he wouldn't leave this house. Am confussed and need advice.

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Original poster

redpoppy · 16/05/2005 13:37

bump

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koalabear · 16/05/2005 13:39

does he need computer for work? if not, perhaps a glass of water spilt in the wrong place .... i only know this because i accidently did that once to a computer and it fried the motherboard

otherwise, redpoppy, can you talk to him and let him know how close you are to the edge?

Original poster

redpoppy · 16/05/2005 13:40

Its a brand new computer and we are still paying for it, so doin't really wanna spill water on it, but i can see what you mean,

I find it hard to confront people and i do know that i will HAVE to talk to him about it, i just feel soo blue and confussed. ty for replying.

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koalabear · 16/05/2005 13:42

oh, i feel for you

i hate confronting people too - i try to say what i mean and it usually comes out all the wrong way up

is it possible to spend any time just the two of you without the kids around?

juicychops · 16/05/2005 13:43

When i was pregnant i went through something like this although things got better so i never ended up leaving. If you go to the council and really exagurate your situation and say you cant stand living there anymore they can offer you temporary housing until a council house comes up. and as you have children you should be a priority case. The best and most effective way i was told to do it though was (even though its horrible) to tell them your dh is being abusive or has a really bad temper and you fear for yours and your child's safety. They would get you out pretty quick. But them you have to be prepared for what kind of temporary housing you are put into. It could range from a nice 2 bedroom house to a dingy bedsit. You can also get housing benefit and things like that depending on how much you earn

Lonelymum · 16/05/2005 13:43

I wouldn't recommend sabotaging the computer: I think that would make him see red (justifiably) and would close off any communication channels that might exist between you. You really need to sit down with him and talk about how you are feeling.

FWIW I know someone who divorced her dh and then had him forcibly removed from the house they lived in even though it was all in his name. She was raising the children and that meant she got the house, so that the disruption to their childhoods would be kept at a minimum. She had to get a mortgage though to pay him half the cost of the house, but she only works p/t like you.

weesaidie · 16/05/2005 13:43

I think the council would help you but unfortunately even if you are homeless it can take time. Sometimes they will put you and kids up in b&b until they find a place for you.

Will he really not leave? Who owns the house?

I really feel for you redpoppy, I know it is scary but I think you need to talk to him...

hope you are okay!

koalabear · 16/05/2005 13:45

i was only joking about the computer to try to make redpoppy laugh in her obviously upset state

Original poster

redpoppy · 16/05/2005 13:47

my kids aren't really babies and go to bed really well, so that's not the problem.
It sounds silly but i hate hurting people, if you see what i mean, this has been going on for so long, ups and downs. I just keep thinking perhaps i would be happier on my own. I love him, but i get so fed up with his selfishnessi could batter him around the head with a frying pan at times. he just doesn't understand why it bothers me so. Before we had the computer he used to spend time downstaires with us, watching telly most of the time, but he was in the same room, but now, fist thing he does is on here, or watching a dvd in bed. No thought to us or the kids. and if i say something he'll turn it around and make it my fault in some way. He's very good at emotional blackmail. I soooooooo don't konw what to do. He said yesturday he doesn't feel comfortable downstaires, i said it never used to bother you. i hate him so much at times.

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koalabear · 16/05/2005 13:49

oh honey - if you feel you can't talk to him, is there any way you could get some counselling, either with or without him? it may help you to work out what YOU need, and maybe even, helps in ways of how to talk to him so he may listens/sees your point of view

Original poster

redpoppy · 16/05/2005 13:50

i don't wanna be left in this house, it needs so much work doing to it, hasn't no central heating or double glazing and he hasn't any family here at all, both our names are on the mortgage, would that make a difference??

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cupcakes · 16/05/2005 13:52

Before you start accusing him of abuse to get a speedy response from the council (sorry, but this seems really shocking to me) how about trying something like relate? I imagine it would be hard to get him to go but you could go on your own and they could probably help you with either finding a way to talk to him constructively or give you advice on how best to leave.
here's the website: relate

juicychops · 16/05/2005 13:52

Why dont you both sit down and talk about it and maybe agree a time each day that he can go on the computer and set a family time where you all do things together and then a couple of hours or something in the evenings where its your time together. and see how that goes. If he's not willing to try that and compromise a bit then he is VERY selfish and i don't think i could stand it either! My dp is like that sometimes but his thing is going out with his mates at every opportunity. I have threatened to walk out so many times but i always end up staying cos he promises he will try and change

koalabear · 16/05/2005 13:52

maybe try your GP, they can refer you to counseller, who will often know answers to things such council assistance

i am sorry but i don't know about the ins and outs of the house which you own

cupcakes · 16/05/2005 13:52

sorry koala - crossed posts!

koalabear · 16/05/2005 13:53

relate is good suggestions cupcakes

Original poster

redpoppy · 16/05/2005 13:56

I really can't see him going to relate, but i would.
I have supported him through so many things, and have lied to my family to protect him, because he got us into so much debt and we struggle alot with money. i have a relate where i live, ty cupcakes, i hadn't thought of that.

I don't earn that much about £80.00 aweek in term time,

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Original poster

redpoppy · 16/05/2005 13:58

My sister can't wait for me to leave him and when we nearly split up before, she kept saying are you leaving him then, over and over, my mum feels the swame although won't amit to that. so much is going through my head i dunno what to do.

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koalabear · 16/05/2005 13:59

i think relate make allowances if you let them know your financial situation (or they used to at least)

Original poster

redpoppy · 16/05/2005 13:59

do you have to pay then?? i thought it was free, lol.

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MeerkatsUnite · 16/05/2005 14:12

Would suggest you go to Relate on your own if he is not willing (and from what you write he won't even consider it).

It also sounds like your family have known for a long time what he is really like (primarily controlling) and you're now waking up to it. Would also suggest you contact the CAB as well to see where you stand legally. Also some Solicitors do a free initial consult - you need legal advice in any event.

Good luck to you, you can leave him but you will need to find the courage within yourself to do so. You can do it.

Original poster

redpoppy · 16/05/2005 14:14

ty and yes i do need courage because the thought of it scares me to death.

ty all who has given advice on this, I knew mumsnet would be there for me!!

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koalabear · 16/05/2005 14:18

courage is only accumulation of small steps

take one step, and maybe the rest wont seem so hard

good luck whatever your outcome

bamik · 16/05/2005 15:18

Hi Redpoppy (sorry I messed up my last post !)

I think that you should sit hubby down (just the 2 of you) and let him know exactly how you feel. Please don't keep it to yourself as this can cause you to make descisions that you may later regret (talking from experience).

You said in an earlier post that you don't like to hurt people and I was exactly the same. Instead of telling hubby how I felt, I would just keep it to myself becuase I didn't want to upset him in any way. By doing this I was just destroying myself and my marriage.

Maybe you should tell him, I need to talk to you later this evening. I usually do this when I need to talk to hubby about a serious issue. Give him a bit of 'thinking time' and probably even scare him a bit! I don't mean to be horrible, but I think that's what it takes somethimes to get his attention and make him know that you're not messing - because this is very serious.

Could I please urge you not to walk out though. Just try and talk things through and hopefully things will work out.

Take Care. Love, Bami

Original poster

redpoppy · 16/05/2005 15:24

Ty, its hard because he works shifts , so i am on my own tonight and then i am off early in the morning and won't see him till midnight tommorow. But i will talk to him, before i make any decisions, we've been married 6 years and i don't wanna just let that go if you know what i mean.I am willing to try and make it work, but sometimes i wonder if he'll ever change. I have alot of issues before i decide on anything. But thanks for the advice and i will bear it in mind before i do anything hash. tyxx

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