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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Thought it was getting better . . .

151 replies

whatanothernamechange · 29/06/2009 23:10

Having been to an initial counselling session and H has been doing a lot more, making helpful / caring comments etc, I really thought maybe he is serious about change. Don't know if i'm over-reacting. Went to gp about urine infection and discussed home situation. Gp said he was just a "typical man" and I should "ignore" any nasty comments / ignoring me etc, and find something else to do. Even saying the thought of staying in this situation is intolerable, and the thought of breaking up the family makes me feel awful, and at times I feel like I just can't go on didn't really seem to register with her. She said marriage is hard and you have to work on it. Well I was almost feeling friendly to Dh when he came home (today was also better because after a week at home with "stress" he went back to work). Then I tried to phone a friend with his phone (on his say so) and he pointed out that he'd changed his pin. When I asked why, he went really cagey. Then this evening he went off to talk with a male "friend". He came back quite "chipper" and so I said "how did it go?" and again he got cagey and said "You know, the last four weeks?" and I said "well what about it?" and he was cagey. I got cross and said he was back to the same old s**t of not talking to me and he said "don't talk to me like that". The thing is, I know this person he has been talking to is not the most discrete, so tomorrow I imagine the school playground will be an interesting place to be. I'm so upset. He has been going on about me being open and so on with him, when he is keeping things from me just as he has always done. I'm very sad. Am seeing WA again tomorrow. GP was a church person and asked whether I wanted what I had said to go on my record and I said yes please. Maybe he's been right and I've been a bad wife all these years.

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whatanothernamechange · 13/07/2009 23:23

Done now, sorry for double posting at end.

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CarGirl · 14/07/2009 11:43

Hmmmm is he in a position to financial screw you? I'm quite alarmed by his behviour over looking at bank accounts etc.

theDreadPirateRoberts · 14/07/2009 12:39

Can you start to separate the accounts? If he's running up more credit card debt, then you don't want that associated with your own current account...

whatanothernamechange · 14/07/2009 13:58

Can't get too technical but looking into things.
More together because was able to do 11.5 miles on the bike in the evening. Always helps me think straight and sorts my head out. I cycled along by the sea and out in the fields.

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whatanothernamechange · 14/07/2009 20:02

Did a 5.5mile walk today instead of the bike. I have to say that making sure I do something physical every day is what's keeping me sane. Would recommend it to anyone in the same position. It just gives me time to think. Look at the state I was in on Monday because I'd had a 'rest day' on Sunday after my 16mile stint on Saturday morning. The friend that H has been talking to on fb sent me a message saying I could talk to him. I sent him an H-like spiel asking if God thought it was ok to be unhappy and to be bullied. Not had a reply yet. I expect he's shocked.

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dittany · 14/07/2009 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whatanothernamechange · 14/07/2009 20:35

Ha ha dit, "loony-bonkersness" anyone else chuckle at that word, or is it just the endorphins still in my system. Lol.

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theDreadPirateRoberts · 14/07/2009 21:55

I'm chuckling too - well, more of a chortle

whatanothernamechange · 14/07/2009 22:25

Got his reply. It was along the lines of ."I'm sad because you're sad" and "neither of you can carry on the way it was" because until I said I wasn't happy and wanted out, H was blissfully oblivious! He also said he didn't want to take sides and that I was "brave to reply". So . Just feel condescended to and patronised. He'd also said, in his first message that he "felt for" the kids and how he'd seen dd1 walking to school looking as he she had the "weight of the world" on her shoulders. I pointed out that she was fed up because she was late for school, knew she was going to get into trouble and was tired after a weekend away camping with other teenagers. He replied "Oh yes she looked tired." Why do men think women need to be talked down to?

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theDreadPirateRoberts · 14/07/2009 22:35

So many people you don't need in your life... Are you tempted to start going to another church? Maybe take the kids as a broadening their education type thing?

toomanystuffedbears · 14/07/2009 22:46

Oh, good grief- "didn't want to take sides", really?
Hasn't he already?! I can feel the condescension from here, such a non-answer to do nothing but lay a guilt trip on you.

Good responding in the moment on your side though, well done.

loony-bonkersness snortle giggle .

dittany · 14/07/2009 22:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whatanothernamechange · 15/07/2009 12:33

Another answer about looking back on the journey and how the God of love knows. . . . LOVE!!!
Why can't people understand that just because someone says they love someone, doesn't necessarily mean they do. I don't want someone saying they love me I want them to actually love me, without having to say it, because the way they are with me just shows that they do. Otherwise I don't want anything. Aaaargh!!!
What is wrong with people???
Talk is so cheap.
I used to ring H at work, at the end of the day if I'd had a hard day and was feeling ill, and he'd never answer the phone. Once I shut the index finger of my left hand (guitar finger!!!) in the car door and got a deep gash, bruised the nerve, couldn't feel anything and he still wouldn't answer the phone. In the end I had to drive home, get my friend to take me down to the chemist and steri-strip my finger. OM found out and was furious saying I should have dropped my kids at his and gone to hospital. When H came home, he didn't even ask how it was. Another time I came off my bike on the ice on the way to work. No one was around, I was OK but grazed, bruised and shaken. At the end of the day I held up my arm to show him (wanting a bit of sympathy) and he shouted "Yes I know!" and went into another room.
Why can no one understand that I have had enough? I have had another message from my friend saying she wants us to stay together. H has put loads of stuff on fb such as I love my wife, I want to hug her, I love the way she smells, I love the sound of her sleeping peacefully next to me >> Sleep - Hah!!
Aaaargh!
Every time I go on there is all this CRAP (sorry) written up there. It's unbearable.

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dittany · 15/07/2009 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whatanothernamechange · 15/07/2009 14:39

It's not a particular church. It's several that we've been to over the years. The trouble is that if something upset's people's worldview, it must be "wrong". I totally believe in the whole "marriage for life" thing and monogamy, which is why I think this has been so difficult for me.

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toomanystuffedbears · 15/07/2009 15:46

Excellent post dittany.

Marriage for life: But you should have a working understanding for the existence and acceptance of divorce, by now, too.

Re: facebook-This is why I said avoid it. Can you manage it better? Just print or screen shot or some kind of record without reading it? Or set aside a specific time once a week (whatever interval) to (take that toxic bath) read through it?

Have you set up a time frame for action, WANC? What is holding you back? Is it childcare- while you exercise/perform? If you never exercised or performed again, WANC, splitting will still be the best/right thing to do for your mental health and that of your dc-for their entire lives. Don't you think?

I wish you luck.
I am taking a break from MN/computer for a while to devote more time to me-I am going to start sewing quilts again.

whatanothernamechange · 15/07/2009 17:16

No it's not the childcare aspect. It's just that I said I'd try relate and I haven't done that yet. I have also repeatedly told him to go, and he won't.

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theDreadPirateRoberts · 15/07/2009 23:49

Just a quick post to say I'm away from all computers now till Monday. Hopefully I'll come back to some good news? I can see why you want to see Relate, because you're a person of your word. I do believe that once you've told the counsellor what's going on, he or she will be explaining to H that they can't counsel abusive relationships...

Re the telling him to go - would it be worth seeing if one of the church 'friends' will take him in temporarily? Not by actually saying 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'... Give you some breathing space?

Anyway, hope you have a good weekend, have compiled your notes for Relate (those examples you gave earlier would be good), and get lots of bike rides in.

xx

whatanothernamechange · 17/07/2009 00:33

Ok, well, today was hot. Decided to take DCs to park for picnic after school. When we got home, H was there and wanted to come, asked in front of DC's and then started crying because I didn't want him to. I told him to stop, he said no. . . . . So, I ended up making sandwiches for everyone, they went to the park while I went somewhere else on the bike to eat my tea on my own. Of course it was good on the bike in the sun,I did just under 10 miles in total, I found a nice spot to eat, ate, lay down and fell asleep in the sun for a good half hour or more, then woke up and cycled home, but . . . Why should I have missed out on the picnic? When I thought about him coming, I started crying uncontrollably. I told him I couldn't do this any more (again) and he said - "Yes you can, I'm going to fight" (again) leaving us at a stalemate.
I went out to see my friend's band play (on my own!) and sat there thinking "men are arses" for most of the evening. But better than sitting at home thinking it.

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whatanothernamechange · 17/07/2009 00:45

H also gave me the "ins and outs" about a couple we know who have split up recently. Lots of info. . . When I asked him how he'd found out, he said the man he's been "talking to" had told him. When I asked him if he was happy discussing our situation with someone who so easily divulged details of other people's relationships, he started to say something, then couldn't!
And guess what, it's 12.44 am and a timer has just gone off in the bedroom. It would have woken me up if I'd been asleep. I wondered why the kitchen timers had suddenly appeared in my bedroom . I'm sure he'd know nothing about it if questioned though.

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whatanothernamechange · 17/07/2009 10:08

This morning he asked very sweetly if I had slept well. I'd forgotten about the timer incident, because of then course I hadn't been woken up by it and so had had a relatively good night. Later I remembered it and asked if he knew anything about the timer going off at 12.45am. Of course he didn't. I seem to have woken up with a bit more perspective this morning - also have found that with all the cycling I've been doing, I've got a "waist" again.

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dittany · 17/07/2009 17:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whatanothernamechange · 17/07/2009 22:04

you know I am restricted as to what I write on here. Do you have my email? send me a message

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theDreadPirateRoberts · 22/07/2009 19:43

Just in case Whatanother's MIL or SIL are reading this -

LOOK AT YOUR SON/BROTHER

He is at best disrespectful and immature, at worst abusive. He sets kitchen timers to stop his wife getting enough sleep, runs up debts that she has to help clear, and makes his own children cry in order to make her feel bad.

So maybe you should cut her some slack. And give her some respect. And maybe you should give your son/brother the stiff talking-to which is the least of his needs.

OK?

whatanothernamechange · 22/07/2009 23:12

lol dpr! I sent you a song

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