Thought it was getting better . . .

[whatanothernamechange]

Having been to an initial counselling session and H has been doing a lot more, making helpful / caring comments etc, I really thought maybe he is serious about change. Don't know if i'm over-reacting. Went to gp about urine infection and discussed home situation. Gp said he was just a "typical man" and I should "ignore" any nasty comments / ignoring me etc, and find something else to do. Even saying the thought of staying in this situation is intolerable, and the thought of breaking up the family makes me feel awful, and at times I feel like I just can't go on didn't really seem to register with her. She said marriage is hard and you have to work on it. Well I was almost feeling friendly to Dh when he came home (today was also better because after a week at home with "stress" he went back to work). Then I tried to phone a friend with his phone (on his say so) and he pointed out that he'd changed his pin. When I asked why, he went really cagey. Then this evening he went off to talk with a male "friend". He came back quite "chipper" and so I said "how did it go?" and again he got cagey and said "You know, the last four weeks?" and I said "well what about it?" and he was cagey. I got cross and said he was back to the same old s**t of not talking to me and he said "don't talk to me like that". The thing is, I know this person he has been talking to is not the most discrete, so tomorrow I imagine the school playground will be an interesting place to be. I'm so upset. He has been going on about me being open and so on with him, when he is keeping things from me just as he has always done. I'm very sad. Am seeing WA again tomorrow. GP was a church person and asked whether I wanted what I had said to go on my record and I said yes please. Maybe he's been right and I've been a bad wife all these years.

I know also what you are saying, tmsb, about them "appearing" to be wonderful, but you'd have to meet them. He helps and does loads around the house, is very financially astute, plays with their son. They aren't perfect but she is happy. She does not burst into tears at the thought of spending the rest of her life with her H. As I do. And I did several times this morning during the process of trying to be nice to him as it was his birthday.

why was he sulking?????

It sounds like a nightmare tbh.

I don't think you can automatically assume that this friend is the same as her H!!! It could have been a silent hug in support of her going through an awful time with her controlling dh!

There is a difference between keeping your barriers up and seeing everyone as a domineering controlling person.

WANC - nothing useful to add, other than, have you ever thought of buying yourself a pair of earplugs?

I really think it was more of the cargirl thing. We have been on holiday with them, and my friend's H has taken H off and got him washing up etc. And they don't go to your church, my friend was there when he gave me this hug.

Also despite sulking and grunting at me all afternoon, he found the time and inclination to get embroiled in a long chat with a single mum who goes to our church. They were packing up together very companionably when I walked up and I had to stifle the urge to laugh out loud.
Good luck to her, I thought and chuckled. I have to thank you all again for your support and say how much better I'm feeling now that I've separated from people who tell me that my feelings don't matter and that I'm paranoid. Immeasurably better.

Typo - our church not your church? Also I was talking about my H in second para, not my friend's.

And yes QS earplugs are definately on my shopping list!
I've a week until relate and then . . .

Also sil rang up and was quite rude and abrupt to me on the phone, even for her. When I told H he just said "Oh" mind you he's been allowing her (and other people) to be rude to me for the last 11years, why should I expect anything different now. So much for his turnaround.

bedroom

Also found out he has been lying about me, telling someone that OM was texting me and telling me to leave him etc, which is completely untrue. I can't understand why he would say all this stuff about loving me and wanting us to be together and yet still be doing so much negative stuff behind my back. Also because my friend's husband, who helped me a bit with my work assignment asked his wife (my very good friend)why H hadn't helped me, H said he wanted to "talk to" him???
You are right, he is so making himself out to be the victim here and me as the big bad brazen hussy who has had an affair (I haven't - part of me almost wishes I had, but I so don't believe in them) and who just wants to rip the family apart, and isn't trying. It's so hard when you've given yourself to someone for so long and trusted them and believed that things were ok, but that you were at fault for any issues. I have spent so long sitting and crying over this. I just need to focus. Phew!!!

I'm so for you.

I'm sure that there are men at your church that stick together mainly because he is so manipulative and lies so convincingly he gives off a saintly act to all those around who can't see through him.

Keep venting here it will stop you doing something reckless like cutting his lying tongue off such as screaming like a banishee at him.

yes, but this man has said he's not sure he knows the full story. I feel bad actually because I looked at his facebook account to find this out, and I could not believe it. I'm not sure why I did it, just a had a feeling, but I'm shocked. He told me he had only had a couple of chats with this man, actually there are 22 messages, a lot of them quite long, as is his style, (you can see if you look at the old thread herewhich is quite long. Feel really bad actually, but I know that I have to go through this. It can't stay as it was.

Just try and look to the future.

It's very clear in the bible that the husband is held accountable for his responsibilities (spiritual and otherwise) towards his wife and children - I think your dh is in for a huge shock because of course God sees through all the lies he has convinced himself of. Has your husband behaved has Christ would, been loving, kind, respectful, considerate, put your needs before his, been prepared to die for - thought not .

I just feel as if I can't take all this stress. Honestly! Sometimes I just want to walk out and never come back. I'm only here for the dc's now. I feel like screaming.
AAAAaaaarrrrgh!!!!!!!!

you can live seperately short or long term perhaps?

Ok, so he didn't change.

You have had some clarity. Then your friends stirred the pot.

The lies are really a "last straw".

I was going to say give it 3 weeks for H to blow his top, 3 days...what was it-3 hours?

1. "It is already over, and I am not going back."

2. Why on earth would you ever look on Facebook again? Just don't. Bait Bait BAIT.

3. Find another church for you & dc today.

4. Have the divorce papers ready asap and give them to him the day after your relate session. Or have him professionally served-at church? ouch...that might be too delicious.

5. Lock door/put stick under knob for privacy...he won't know unless he tries to disturb you against your agreement.

6. I don't know your school schedule, but get this going before the next main session starts-fall? That will be better for the dc than waiting-and drawing this out. Dc tummy ache is anxiety. Resolve this soon for them WANC.

Sorry this is choppy- not much time. I'll check back later.

Yes, dittany, I was thinking about that. Print the crap out, WANC, and give to your lawyer. But dispassionately-the more crap he dishes out will be the better for your circumstances with the divorce, won't it? But don't let it upset you-it is validity and clarity. And probably par for the course for divorce territory.

But don't let it upset you; people will think what they will. Your character is obviously more well grounded and good as demonstrated by your behavior than your h's. He may think he is getting the upper hand in smearing you, but I really think that will backfire on him ultimately.

Dittany, would it do any good for WANC to not say anything to h, but post rebuttal/denials to the lies on her FB page? Just a form statement-maybe suggesting that others check with her about the validity of anything posted about her. This may include a phrase that these slanderous/libelous statements will be pursued legally. And post it (the same form statement) as a timely response to anything he says on FB. WANC-ask your lawyer about this, especially if you have a job that deals with the public.

WNAC, I do still believe that the sooner the physical split of living arrangements is done the better it will be for your dc. I am not sure about the ages of your dc, but I think it might be ok to explain his outbursts as a simple compairson to the tantrums of a small child. "He can't have his way right now, so he is just having a meltdown. He'll get over it soon. Nothing to worry about." And it sounds like it isn't that far from the truth.

Re: h hanging around the single lady in front of you--good for you for the snicker...
it would be hard not to encourage the association with gusto...but I guess do nothing. Not getting upset-you win. So enough. But encouraging the other relationship for him would relieve you of his attentions for a while anyway-tempting.

I have not been through divorce, so my thoughts may be off the mark (sorry ). You have probably already done so, but if not, check out the other threads about it.

Long, sorry Dd3 (7) made me laugh today. We were walking home and she asked "Mummy is everything ok with you and Daddy?" so I said, calmly, "No darling, it isn't, but it's ok." and gave her a hug. Two minutes later ds (10) announced that he was thinking up lines to help him "get girls" I know! But I explained that it was better to be yourself and have someone like you for you, than to just like your jokes. Ds then asked "Is that what happened when you met Dad?" to which dd3 (with knowing sideways glance at me) said "I think we should talk about something else!" I love my kids! Also dd1 (14) got annoyed with H because he took her ipod, re-wrote its name on the computer to his and rearranged / deleted her songs.
She kept saying "Why would anyone do that?"
Also fil rang, and later H asked to log onto the computer banking using my id saying he wanted to look at the accounts and our spending. so I logged him on but stayed in the room, sitting on the sofa near him, which he didn't like and eventually he moved. He apparently got timed out , odd because he was pressing buttons frequently and asked me to log on again and seemed quite impatient this time. I stayed till he'd finished and when I checked that he'd logged out, I noticed he'd logged onto his credit card account. Later he came upstairs and asked me to log on again so he could check which bills had gone out. I said ok but do it here. When I was logging on this time I noticed the "remember my id" box was ticked this time so I unticked it. He asked why he had to stay. I said as an ex bank worker I'm very cagey about anyone using my id to do financial stuff. He grudgingly bought it. That's more financial stuff in one evening than in the last year for him. Am I not meant to be wary, especially after he's had a long chat with fil who has already tried to help finance divorce proceedings. OM has contacted me. Don't care anymore, H is practically telling everyone I sh**ed him. I WONT, DON'T WORRY! But I've stopped being precious, . . . . .

. . . . as I have also noticed that he has rather a lot of messages from women on his fb acct, some signed "x" - the very thing he berated me about for OM's txts. "what would you say if women sent me messages like that." Duh?
Also he says he has lost his id toggle so that's why he needed me to log in for him. .
Also told my friend what H said about wanting to talk to her H about what he said re H not helping me do my work for the course, (which was only 'why hasn't he') and she said . . . . . "Bring it on, it's scriptural to help your wife"

Anyone else notice the discrepancy in the fact that he's been trying to touch / get near me for ages, and then suddenly wont let me sit on the same sofa as him. I wasn't close or looking at the screen and couldn't see what he was doing

Anyone else notice the discrepancy in the fact that he's been trying to touch / get near me for ages, and then suddenly wont let me sit on the same sofa as him. I wasn't close or looking at the screen and couldn't see what he was doing

Done now, sorry for double posting at end.