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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anyone had a 'break' from their partner?

33 replies

Lovemyshoes · 16/06/2009 09:26

What do you think is an appropriate length of time to have a 'break' from each other.

We have been together 13 years and married 12.

But at the minute I am soooooo bloody bored and fed up, we don't talk etc and if we do go out together we end up in different pubs (some of you may remember the advice that you gave me the other night)

He does hardly anything in the house except for the laundry and cooking, this morning he got up, sat on the computer for an hour then started ranting and raving when the kids got up and wanted a drink etc with their breakfast, and also when the youngest dc said they didn't know exactly where their uniform was (after I spoke to her calmy etc about it she went and found it no problem)

He is on 6 days off and I asked him to do a few little jobs, all in all, they would take 1/2 max and he has done none and I will probably end up doing them myself.

Mornings are a joint effort in getting them ready for school etc, but, he won't help get things ready the night before to stop running around in the morning.

His shifts are due to change soon for a while and he is going to be so tired, grumpy and plain nasty sometimes and me and the dc will be walking on eggshells, some or most of the time he is off, and, I know for a fact he will be spending his days off doing nothing but his hobby.

OP posts:

Jazzicatz · 16/06/2009 09:42

It seems a little drastic to end things, sounds as if you need to have a really good heart to heart about where it is the relationship is going.

Original poster

Lovemyshoes · 16/06/2009 09:43

I don't necessarily want to end things, just have a couple of weeks whilst he's on the shit shifts so that we are not walking on eggshells.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lovemyshoes · 16/06/2009 09:44

Plus, he has a very good knack at turning things round and making it all my fault, he will start raising his voice etc.

I KNOW I'm not perfect and I can be a moody lazy cow at times, but it is not all me.

OP posts:

Jazzicatz · 16/06/2009 09:46

But having a two week break will not get to the heart of why it is he is so grumpy and you both sounding fed up and resentful. I would take some time when you are both free, without the children and really talk about both your frustrations.

Original poster

Lovemyshoes · 16/06/2009 09:51

Tonight could be the night then, otherwise there is no way he will want to discuss things when he had changed his shifts.

I always dread it though, I have had to do this before, things change and then revert back.

I am just so bored of sitting watching 'things we have recorded' a couple of times I have asked to curl up on the sofa and watch a film and chat and he always says 'why don't we get the memory down on the planner and watch some things that are recorded'

I planned a date night the other month where we would both sit and chat etc, he came in grumpy etc and it didn't happen.

OP posts:

HolyGuacamole · 16/06/2009 09:56

I remember your thread from the other night lovemyshoes.

I don't know what the best advice is. Having a proper break will impact on the children and they will wonder what is going on so I guess you'd need to be ready for that. Whilst your DH is off, is there any way you could have a couple of days away, even just out for the day at a friends or something?

It sounds like you need a bit of time out and maybe leaving things to your DH for a couple of days will make him realise how much of a job you do in the house for starters, taking you for granted? Serious wake up call or kick in the arse, is that what he needs?

Original poster

Lovemyshoes · 16/06/2009 10:11

I think I do need me time, he sees me having the house to myself (still doing housework etc) with no him or kids etc as me time.

He has no problem with me going out on a night out with male/female friends etc, all he asks is that if I am going to be after midnight to text him so he won't worry and to text when I'm in taxi home, which I feel is fair enough.

BUT, if I went out for the full day like he does he wouldn't be happy at all, and all I would get when he got home was 'how the kids had done his head in' all day etc and then be in a mood for the evening.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lovemyshoes · 16/06/2009 10:12

As for the break, I would let him see the dc whenever/wherever he wants, just not having us living together for a while, I could very very easily convince the children he is working etc as they are used to unusual shifts anyway.

OP posts:

HolyGuacamole · 16/06/2009 10:19

I think it is generally sh*te that a lot of mums cannot have time to themselves, leaving the DH to cope for a while without having to pay for it later It's so not fair!

He sounds selfish and you sound like you are almost at your limit. if you think that time out will help and you do sound as if you have given it a lot of thought, then maybe that is exactly what you should do, only you know what is best for you. Would you talk to him first and explain what you're doing and why?

Original poster

Lovemyshoes · 16/06/2009 10:29

I am going to have to try and talk to him tonight and see how far I get. Though I know he will be very very tired

OP posts:

HolyGuacamole · 16/06/2009 10:34

Hopefully having the chat will let him see how serious you are.

Original poster

Lovemyshoes · 16/06/2009 10:47

I have done it before and he falls back.

A couple of years ago I walked out and he had no idea where I was (I did text him to let him know that we were safe etc and I needed space) we were gone one night, but, he got his sister ringing me constantly leaving nasty messages until I told him to tell her to back off.

OP posts:

HolyGuacamole · 16/06/2009 10:53

Imagine getting his sis to call you! I'd make that part of your conversation tonight, that the problems are no one elses business and not to bother getting anyone else involved.

BEAUTlFUL · 16/06/2009 11:21

This might not be any help... But I know exactly how you feel. I realised the other day that I spend my life worrying/focussing/thinking about DH's life. I'd love a "break" to blossom away from him, but as nothing is really definitely "wrong" (he just annoys me), I don't feel I can justify it.

So what I'm doing is taking a break, in my Head. For a month I'm not going to interfere, criticise or meddle in his life at all, I'm just going to focus on my own. I'm doing a Beauty Makeover (a few of us have started - it's in Style & Beauty), sorting out my work, and trying to get chores, etc, done as quickly as poss so I have time to lounge in garden ringing my friends.

I'm not going to think/wonder/ponder on DH at all this month, just bring all that attention back to my own life. it's really hard! But already I feel more positive.

I know it's not the same as taking a real break, but it's an alternative. Sort of.

Original poster

Lovemyshoes · 16/06/2009 11:31

I may join you on that BEAUTiFUL. When he mentioned last night that he was doing his thing today, he said he would be home for 2 to pick up the dc from school as I am at work.

He asked me twice this morning what time I was finishing and has just text me again asking me if I will get the dc (it's no skin off my nose and I won't have to rush/finish early) but, it's the fact he said he would do it and now because it is a nice day he wants to stay later.

OP posts:

howtotellmum · 16/06/2009 11:35

What are you wanting to achieve with a 2 wee k break?

Don't know your circumstacnes or what your DH does for a living, but if I had man who did laundry and cooked I'd think I'd died and gone to heaven!!!! That's a huge contribution.

My Dh works a 12 hr day and does the DIY and lawn cutting, and nothing else- though my DCs are older and only 1 ( adult) at home.

When they were younger he did some of the taxiing for them, but never anything remotely domestic. He was out the house at 7.30am and back at the same time in the evening, or later.

However, I did have a lot of freedom and would happily leave him to it to visit girlfriends abroad for long weekends, visit my family a long way away, or just have days out on my own at weekends, and DH was very happy to do the childcare.

I think you need to have a conversation with him- can't see how 2 weeks away will solve anything.

Chandra · 16/06/2009 11:39

Beautiful's idea is a very good one. I think that it may have a positive impact on the way you feel about the marriage.

tummytickler · 16/06/2009 12:44

Hi - I havent read all the replies so please forgive me but . . . .
Maybe a break would do you some good - could he stay with a single friend for a while?

4 years ago my dh mum died, and i was pregnant with dc3. He went completely off the rails and started to stay out til 5am drinking (in our local - our friends bought it so it was a free liscence to all night drinking!).
After 18 months (and lots of chats and me trying to be understanding but being bloody furious really) we decided he should move out for a while.
He moved out for 3 months to a friends house (who is close to both of us - he was keeping an eye on him!), and it was the best thing we could have done for our relationship. He realised things needed to change, and we missed each other terribly, but i became more confident.
He came back to see the kids every other day and for a full day at the weekend so we were still in close contact.
We told the kids he was really busy with his music and had to stay in town for the summer.

It was really positive for us. Give it a long hard think and chat about it though, because i know others where the break has not worked out as hoped.

Original poster

Lovemyshoes · 16/06/2009 12:47

thank you ladies,

From replies that I have read I have decided to:

Have a chat (hopefully I won't cry).
Distance myself as beautiful mentioned.
Have more me time.

OP posts:

Jazzicatz · 16/06/2009 12:50

Him seeing you cry may help him realise that this is serious and needs to be sorted out.

BEAUTlFUL · 16/06/2009 14:19

Good luck with the chat. If I were you, I'd chat after I'd given myself a few weeks of of mental "space", but it's of course up to you! I'd be tempted to leave it till afterwards, though, because:

a) You'll be happier (having focussed on your own thing -- amazing how taking care of yourself will boost your mood);

b) He'll be more receptive as you'll have been less invested/interested/attentive towards him. He might wonder what's been going on, he might even open the conversation himself -- wonders may never dease ;

c) Things might improve by themselves if you are happy, busy, doing your own thing for a month. He might feel the pressure's off and start coming your way.

Up to you -- and see you over on our Makeover Thread if you fancy it! I'll just keep you in facepacks for a month so you can't instigate any big Chats.

Original poster

Lovemyshoes · 16/06/2009 14:26

Actually BEAUTIFUL I will wait a month, I hate any sort of confrontation, it makes me ill.

I honestly do not know where to start though on focusing on ME, everything I do I always think about and consider DH. I am quite happy to and lie on the bed and read whilst listening to Elgar than watch inane television.

Could I just ask, when you say that you are not going to interfere, criticise or meddle in DH's life, what do you mean?

Would all this include making plans for myself and dc instead of including him etc?

OP posts:

howtotellmum · 16/06/2009 14:37

""Could I just ask, when you say that you are not going to interfere, criticise or meddle in DH's life, what do you mean?

Would all this include making plans for myself and dc instead of including him etc? ""

What suits one marriage may not suit yours, OP

I think the best way to help yourself is to learn to be assertive (NOT aggressive!).

You can talk about your needs without being confrontational. Avoiding confrontation means you are allowing the other person to assert themselves and their needs, to the detriment of yours.

Not sure where you go from here, but I suspect your "moving out" plan is more to do with getting your DH to miss you- and then be grateful when you come back.

I think you need to separate out what it is you are unhappy with- is it a lack of shared interests- ie you Elgar, him Big Brother, or is it the unfair distribution of household chores. Or both?

Original poster

Lovemyshoes · 16/06/2009 14:54

Its mainly chores, ie, I get 2 days off a week and spend it doing all sorts, he gets 6 out of 10 and does nothing, spending probably 3 of those days doing his hobbies etc, when he does laundry he does it hit and miss and think thats it.

We don't sit and talk anymore, he would rather watch tele and I just get bored doing that everyday, I would like to listen to music and chat or go and sit in the garden in this weather but he is happy sat in front of the tele.

This weekend was an example of where I was annoyed and he didn't see why, it was the first day in months due to his working pattern etc that we had a fully weekend to ourselves and he buggered off at 5.30 in morning and didn't come back till 5.30pm.

OP posts:

BEAUTlFUL · 16/06/2009 14:57

"Could I just ask, when you say that you are not going to interfere, criticise or meddle in DH's life, what do you mean?"

Nothing drastic! I'd noticed that I was doing loads of stuff like:

-- Giving him unsolicited career advice (I know nothing about the best way to do his job), then getting all stressed/hurt if he didn't take my advice;

-- Planning my day around what he might want to do, or what might make his life easier - without his even asking or saying anything;

-- Doing sod-all about my own career, because I was "so busy" thinking about his! (I've realised I was using that as an excuse not to do my own work);

-- Following him rather aimlessly around the house in the evenings, a bit pointlessly, instead of busying myself with my own interests;

-- Pouting when he made social plans without me, instead of making my own;

-- Not talking to friends properly when he was in the house! For some reason feeling that I couldn't relax/chat freely when he was around. He has never made me feel like this, I'd completely invented it.

I've just decided to knock all that kind of bollocks on the head, really. I would still make fun plans dor DH and DC at weekends, but would also include something that I'd like to do, say meet a friend for a coffee. I'm not going all ballsy and taking myself off to Mautitus for a month, but trying to put myself first a bit more.

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