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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Overly keen new man!

42 replies

butterflies2 · 15/06/2009 13:38

I've just started seeing someone. Really liked him from the start, and got the feeling it could be something special.

The problem is, he's made it clear he feels very strongly for me already, is always saying how he can't believe I'd like him, wanting to see me every day, etc. This has really put a dampner on how I feel about him. I know it's normal for this to happen - push too hard and the other person gets scared and retreats, but I don't want it to spoil things for us.

I can totally empathise with him as normally I'm the one behaving like this and scaring men off!

I know the obvious thing is to tell him my fears and ask to take things slowly. I was just wondering if anyone had a relationship that started like this and it developed into something good rather than one of you being scared off?

OP posts:
macdoodle · 15/06/2009 13:40

its not so bad
My new DP was like this bless him - I did ask him to slow down because he was scaring meoff - he did listen and 6-7 months later things are going well!
I would talk to him!!

AnyFucker · 15/06/2009 13:40

err, no

I would find his behaviour a total red flag and would run a mile, tbh

The words desperate and needy come to mind, and they are not attractive qualities

mrsboogie · 15/06/2009 13:59

ask him about his previous relationships and how they ended... that might enlighten you as to whether he is a bit of a strange one

orangehead · 15/06/2009 14:43

Yes my now dh told me he loved me about a month after going out. In his defence we have known each other since we were both kids, and he had liked (maybe loved) me for a while before we went out. It totally freaked me out, I had just been through a nasty divorce with a guy who apparently loved me. I just made it very clear that I wanted things to go slow and he respected that

aseriouslyblondemoment · 15/06/2009 14:48

oh sounds like the man i've started seeing
are we being two timed here lol
i told him from the off where i stood re:things and how it was v much me and my dc and a relationship was bottom of the list of my priorities as far as i was concerned it was/is casual
he appears to have accepted this(well he has to frankly!)but given the chance the refs to us and plans come into the convo!
go with what you suits you here and if things are moving too quickly then slow it down

SolidGoldBrass · 15/06/2009 14:48

Unfortunately this is a very common signal of abusive, controlling, toxic people (no-one else has ever loved them/they find it hard to trust, etc. This is because they are self-obsessed wankers).
If all his previous partners were bitches, run like the wind (you could always look one or two of them up and ask to see their scars I suppose).

YanknCock · 15/06/2009 14:48

Does he have self-esteem problems or something? What's with him saying he 'can't believe you'd like him'?

I'm sort of with AnyFucker, would find that a bit scary. And immature. I remember guys behaving like this in their teens, but am guessing he's older than that.

Heated · 15/06/2009 14:53

The 'can't believe you like him stuff' is a bit cringey tbh and would put me off. However, unless there are other negative factors and you do like him, give him a chance but tell him he's too full on and to chill. That will give you time to know him/find out about his past etc without suddenly finding yourself living together!

AnyFucker · 15/06/2009 15:01

< shudder >

Original poster
butterflies2 · 15/06/2009 15:07

He's in his forties, so yes it does seem a bit immature, but I guess anyone can be insecure. He's quite a shy person with not very much self-confidence and basically he believes I'm way out of his league lookswise. I asked him not to keep saying that because if he feels there's an imbalance between us then I'm going to start believing it too... Physical attractiveness is secondary to personality for me, as I'm sure it is for a lot of people.

OP posts:
missymousie · 15/06/2009 15:17

Have just met a similar man a few months ago and found it wonderful as really liked him as well... although we lived far enough away that we couldn't see each other every day.

Although it did feel like I was being swept along a bit I hadn't had a relationship for a while (hmmm 8 years plus and I'm only 37)I just went with the flow a bit.

About three weeks ago I began to think ah well he really likes me I could open up and relax.

Last week he said....it's not you it's me timing all wrong need some space and vanished

Apologies for not giving a happy answer but I just never expected that ending - now just think that men = confusion and you can never predict.

Take care - hope it DOES work out

AnyFucker · 15/06/2009 15:21

eww, sounds like a horrid experience missy

but tbh, these blokes who come on far too strong are just not right somehow, are they?

too much, too soon = weirdo (or worse) in my book !

makipuppy · 15/06/2009 16:14

Well you say you like him so I wouldn't say this is a bad situation. Perhaps he's totally out of touch with dating and noone's told him that these days you have to play it cool.

My friend's DP is still like this after 2 years. He practically swoons over every time he sees her, can't leave her alone for two seconds, goes all gooey whenever she speaks. I asked her about it and she said it drove her a bit nuts but she loved him anyway.

Perhaps mention how sexy you find confidence in men?

ridingjoker · 15/06/2009 17:15

its not always sign of an abusive relationship. how does he react when you say your busy or just cant be arsed to see him and want an evening on your own/with friends?

he's perhaps still in awe as you are out of his league. once it sinks in that you fart in bed and do poo's , he'll prbably chill out a bit

its still very early on. agree it would help both of you to voice your concerns he's coming on too strong.

AnyFucker · 15/06/2009 17:47

RJ has the solution...

Here is your plan

  1. Start farting in bed

  2. Pick your nose and eat it

  3. Leave your toe-nail clippings on the table

  4. Eat with your gob open

  5. Get pissed and embarass yourself in front of his family

  6. Leave skiddies in the toilet

  7. Use the "f" word constantly and start fights in the pub

Job done

sunshineandrainbow · 15/06/2009 18:02

I shouldnt really reply to this as i have the opposite kind of bloke at the moment and waiting for him to contact me seems to drag on and on and on... although he was at a festival this weekend... but i am not sure when i give up waiting for him to ring or text me..

But on the other hand i would find what you are experiencing difficult (so i guess i cant win!!)

I would talk to him if you really like him and dont want to lose him

hope it works out for you

rookiemater · 15/06/2009 18:04

How long have you been going out with him ?

MagNacarta · 15/06/2009 18:13

I had a bf like this, he didn't tell me he loved me, but wanted to see me all the time and would call everyday just to say nothing. After about three weeks I took him out for dinner and told him that he was coming on too strong and it was putting me off. He took it on the chin and backed off, stopped calling etc. About a week later I realised I quite missed him and gave him a call and everything was fine from then on. A couple of years later we got married. Three more years later we got divorced mostly because he never showed any emotion and was very detached in fact completely the opposite to the over enthusiastic man I'd first met.

So, yes it worked out but in my case not in the long run.

mrsboogie · 15/06/2009 18:16

My sister always gets blokes to act like this - they aren't weird or nutty at all but go gaga for her instantly, can't believe they are with her, think everyone fancies her etc...

maybe you are just too fab OP??

sparkybint · 15/06/2009 18:38

My last BF told me he loved me after 3 weeks and the rest. I was wary at first but then got taken in, a bit like missy Anyway he proposed after 4 months and I accepted (mad or what). I really felt I could trust him totally and then 3 weeks ago, after over a year together he went totally weird on me and vanished. WTF I thought to myself.

I had a similar experience with someone else years ago, so you'd think I'd have learnt by now. But I don't think you can generalise, do try and slow things down and see how he reacts and don't commit to him until he's really proved himself. He might be a good 'un but I'd be wary. Best of.

ABetaDad · 15/06/2009 19:32

Butterflies2 - it does sound like something a teenage bloke might say who cannot believe a pretty girl would actually like him. A bit odd for a forty year old though. Has he had a long relationship/marriage before?

If you stick with him though and let time pass and do its work, he might well turn into a 'good un'. You have nothing lose by giving it a try for 3/6 months.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 15/06/2009 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ridingjoker · 15/06/2009 19:51

reality has a good point there.

how is he viewed in society??

have any friends /family made any remarks of "don't hurt him, he's a nice guy" type of thing?

Original poster
butterflies2 · 15/06/2009 21:21

Thanks everyone for your posts, it's given me lots to think about!

Well just to give a bit more detail - we met a couple of months ago, swapped phone numbers last week, met up on a date on Saturday and that's when he started coming on a bit strong. We met up on Sunday as well. He also wanted to meet me for lunch today but I declined. To be fair to him, he was absolutely fine about it and hasn't been constantly texting me today or anything like that.

Obviously I can't be 100% sure, but my instincts tell me he wouldn't turn out to be abusive or anything like that. I just think he's insecure and a little inexperienced at dating. His 7 year relationship broke up in 2006 and he only had a short fling this then.

I don't really know what his friends acquaintances think of him - I haven't met any of them yet.

mrsboogie, thanks for that! I somehow think he's just a little delusional rather than me being some kind of goddess

RidingJoker and AnyFucker - well I was thinking of something similar to what you suggested, but more along the lines of just not putting so much effort into making myself look perfect for him. I'm sure if it gets to the stage of him seeing him the morning, then that will help to bring him back to earth!!

What are people's experiences of relationships where one person is supposedly more 'attractive' than the other? I guess they can work as long as both people don't have issues about it. I don't actually think I'm attractive at all (well I know I can look ok if I spend time doing my hair and putting some slap on, but underneath it I'm nothing special), but I know that he's just in disbelief that I'd fancy him...

OP posts:
macdoodle · 15/06/2009 21:44

I think maybe its a self esteem/confidence thing - I think I am relatively attractive (despite what XH told me for 10 years), and now my confidence is coming back, I am back to my confident flirty self I have never really been shy with the opposite sex!
DP on the other hand is painfully shy though has worked hard to overcome it and will make a huge effort. I happen to think he is a handsome sexy guy, my mates agree, as does my 7yr old DD1(well the handsome bit)...he however doesnt and thinks I am far too good for him - he is wrong but I think its a self confidence issue TBH!
I would love him though whatever because he is a lovely guy who treats me with utmost respect, yes he came on a bit strong to start with, but he didnt do the possesive controlling thing !
trust your instinsts!