Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Overly keen new man!

42 replies

butterflies2 · 15/06/2009 13:38

I've just started seeing someone. Really liked him from the start, and got the feeling it could be something special.

The problem is, he's made it clear he feels very strongly for me already, is always saying how he can't believe I'd like him, wanting to see me every day, etc. This has really put a dampner on how I feel about him. I know it's normal for this to happen - push too hard and the other person gets scared and retreats, but I don't want it to spoil things for us.

I can totally empathise with him as normally I'm the one behaving like this and scaring men off!

I know the obvious thing is to tell him my fears and ask to take things slowly. I was just wondering if anyone had a relationship that started like this and it developed into something good rather than one of you being scared off?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 15/06/2009 21:49

well, my last message was obviously very tongue in cheek

I think a lot depends on if you like full-on blokes. I don't, it makes me feel stifled and wanting my space back.

I would run a mile, but many women like the very-attentive type with a chip on their shoulder . They can be very malleable, if you like that sorta thing.

As long as he isn't grooming you to turn suddenly into an abusive control-freak or lulling you into a false sense of superiority before he fucks off with your life savings, then it could work.

Good luck, anyways

HolyGuacamole · 15/06/2009 22:01

LOL AF

CacklingandBarking · 15/06/2009 22:04

My DH was like this. I told my mum he wasn't the one after I'd been with him for 3 weeks. But then he asked me to marry him when we'd been together for 8 weeks (admitedly after several pints and whisky chasers, but heck, it was a proposal to be sure!) and we've now been married 7 yrs and have 2 children and are v happy.

Original poster

butterflies2 · 15/06/2009 22:08

I know you were joking AF, but at least if I did all those things, I'd know for sure he really liked me

Having a very adoring partner is obviously an ego boost but personally I'd rather have a more balanced and down to earth relationship.

Here's hoping I get a huge spot on my face before I next see him

OP posts:

lilacclaire · 15/06/2009 22:43

My dp was a bit like this when we first met, he couldn't believe i'd fancy him, he does have some self esteem issues, but I think he's gorgeous.
Not to be horrible, but am much better looking than his exw (growing head) and maybe thats got something to do with it.
Tbh, I can't believe I bagged myself such a lovely gorgeous guy!
He is still very affectionate, where as I am not as much, but it does calm down a bit over time.
Give it a chance if thats the only problem, the thing is, I was petrified of letting him see me 'not done up' as he kept banging on how gorgeous I was which was a bit unnerving, but he's still here fat bits, spots, frizzy hair and all.

SolidGoldBrass · 15/06/2009 23:00

Ok, it is perfectly possible that he is just a wuss a bit insecure/shy but a ice guy underneath. So if your instincts are not suggesting anything creepy, give him a bit more of a chance if you like him, but do watch out for: cutting you off from friends, hysterical tears and self-harming if you break a date, unreasoning hjealousy etc

bumsrush · 15/06/2009 23:03

I would talk to him, perhaps he is just trying to hard and might be finding it difficult to suss you out too.

I would have an honest chat, matter of fact and get it all out in the open.

alisha29 · 15/06/2009 23:56

hmm my ex was like that but he turned out to be a bully and controlling i personally would stay away from anyone that eager but suppose not everyone is the same. id ask about his exs if their all bitches then i would be weary.

ToughDaddy · 16/06/2009 00:03

SOme guys are just nice, honest and straight forward. I learnt from experience and watching older brother the value of playing it cool but I assumed that this was less important as we got older....but perhaps we still play the same games even as adults.

ToughDaddy · 16/06/2009 06:25

Post above came out a bit wrong.... A subtle way to tell him and not hurt his feelings might be to simply say that you would like some more suspense or to be teased a bit.

ridingjoker · 16/06/2009 12:44

the thing is. i really feel sorry for this guy

he could be just a nice guy, who's smitten by op. and isn't afraid to tell her or show it.

some people dont play all these daft games of playing it cool. if they like someone they will tell them.

op is your instinct says he's a good guy then give him a chance.

and i've been in relationships before where i've been the better looking of the couple. and have found these relationships to be the ones where i get treated best.and there are definately lots of compliments and plenty of attebntion in these type of relationships.

having been in an awful controlling relationship myself too... there a massive difference between a fella who wants your company as they are in awe of you.. and someone who wants to control you.

Original poster

butterflies2 · 16/06/2009 13:46

Ridingjoker, I think you've just described him exactly - I'm almost certain there's no possibility he'd turn out to be an abuser. He seems to have just totally fallen for me, for whatever strange reason!

I just met him for lunch, and although he paid me lots of compliments he certainly wasn't overly pushy. I told him that I wasn't really in the same place as he was, i.e. he'd been single for quite a while whereas I've just gone through a break up, and he totally understood and agreed we should take things really slowly. Even said he'd be happy to wait if I wasn't ready for anything yet.

I think I'm very lucky to have found him so I'm definitely going to see how things go for a while

OP posts:

SerendipitousHarlot · 16/06/2009 14:28

But the 'disbelief' that you fancy him comes from other issues, I would say. He must have very low self esteem, which could lead to ongoing problems.

IMO, I would run a mile. Nothing makes me shudder more than someone being grateful.. ugh.

Original poster

butterflies2 · 16/06/2009 14:38

I know, SH, that's what worries me most. I'm hoping that he'll settle down and realise that I'm just as lucky to have him as he is to have me. If not then I agree it will always be a big problem.

OP posts:

Hawkmoth · 16/06/2009 14:43

DP told me he loved me after a few days! He also had issues over attractiveness that stemmed from previous weight problems and years of rejection by XW.

Sometimes you just need to be in a relationship that's right to feel honest enough to open up, confront and work on that sort of issue. It's helped me deal with all my 'worthiness' issues precisely because we could be open and honest from the start.

But then again... we were both on the same page... and if you're not, it can be cringeworthy.

ridingjoker · 16/06/2009 15:48

you know if his only problem is low self esteem..... then if you 2 are going to be a good match then he will boost your self esteem with him open attitude, and compliments.

if you learn to be open and honest with him about his attibutes that attract you to him then it will boost his confidence and could be a lasting relationship.

this is particularly true to someone who has lost their confidence down to weight issues or having an ex who has reduced your self esteem to an all time low.

but you have to be right for this guy too...

you cant be an emotional crutch for him. you will have to be able to encourage him to get out there and gain confidence in himself, by all means discuss feeling and things openly. but discourage any offloading of baggage about ex's if this is the root cause of his problems.

try and do new things and most of all have fun with him. this will do wonders about his confidence.and build a good base for a relationship as you could find shared interests

if he's a "bad un", he will not really enjoy the new things, someone who wants to be controlling are never particular comfortable doing something you have suggested and isn't their idea. they might do it for you at the beginning of a relationship. but chances are you will be able to tell if they are doing it just for you. or are genuinely enjoying a new experience.

Original poster

butterflies2 · 16/06/2009 20:52

Thanks RJ, this is all great advice. Since he said he'd slow things down a bit today, I've been feeling a lot more positive about him

I should definitely try to talk to him more about why I like him, otherwise it will always be very one-sided.

And it's great because we have so much in common, so it's easy to find things to enjoy doing together. He's recently started making an effort to get out and meet new people and try new things, which I really admire about him.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2