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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

intimacy :-(

43 replies

Radha99 · 13/06/2009 18:48

Hi me and my husband have been having problems he wants to be intimate all the time and my baby only sleeps for four hours in 24hours and im tired all the time and therefore have no desire to be intimate anymore it is ruining our personal relationship what can i do please help as i dont go out much and i havent got any friends i need help :-(

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 13/06/2009 18:56

hmmm how old is your baby?

lilacclaire · 13/06/2009 18:57

When do you sleep? Does your husband watch the baby so you can have some sleep? That would be a start.

mrsboogie · 13/06/2009 19:18

Has he always been like this OP or is he somehow trying to "reclaim" you now?

He is being a selfish git.

I'm very tempted to tell you to tell him to pass an bowling ball out the end of his penis have the resulting gaping hole stitched up, have a baby sucking on his nipples for 18hrs a day and get no sleep and and see how much he is in the mood for sex then...

or, you could try explaining to him that a woman who has had a baby will quite often not want to have sex for a while becasue its the body's way of preventing another baby too soon. Tell him that if he looks after the baby for a whole day and lets you go out for a walk, have a nice long bath and relax you might feel more in the mood.

or you could google bromide

Original poster
Radha99 · 15/06/2009 16:00

well my baby is now nine months old she only sleeps four hours in 24 hours and no one looks after her but me he dosent do anything but play with her for 10 mins or so and then thinks it is ok to wake me up at 4am to have sex

OP posts:
ridingjoker · 15/06/2009 17:57

when he wakes you at 4am tell him to fuck off for a start

have you asked him to help out? what does he say?

abedelia · 15/06/2009 18:24

He WAKES YOU UP??? Ffs, I am surprised you have not strangled him by now.

Tell him to take the baby out for the afternoon so you can get some rest and then you are more likely to be up for it. Nothing like exhaustion to put anyone off sex...

Original poster
Radha99 · 16/06/2009 19:23

he says he cant handle her so my mother in law who has struggled with cancer for 20 years has to look after her when i am at my wits end he sais he cant do it because shes too much of a handful

OP posts:
ridingjoker · 16/06/2009 19:30

ah but because you have a lady garden that you should automatically have the magically ability to survive on 4 hrs sleep, look after dc and.... provide him with sex???

i'm sorry, but if you dont put your foot down and get some help from him this is the way its going to continue.

lilacclaire · 16/06/2009 20:04

Are you serious, I would tell him to f* right off.

Original poster
Radha99 · 17/06/2009 17:14

how do i say it to him without him getting mad he never lets me talk about even little problems he tells me i talk at him and to leave him alone how do i approach this ?

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 17/06/2009 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Radha99 · 24/06/2009 11:55

we dont know why shes awake but my husband doesnt work and doesnt want to look for a job he says its too hard and he wont let me get a job either

OP posts:
abedelia · 24/06/2009 14:57

What a total waste of space he is. He has nothing else to do with his time but helping you out is clearly too much for him.

Given what you have said you are clearly already acting as a single mother, so I would get out. You will get more money, more help, and you will not have this uncommunicative idle 24 hour sex pest on your case. Run, woman.

MamaLazarou · 24/06/2009 16:56

We don't even have a baby yet, but if my husband woke me up at 4 in the morning for a shag I would tell him to piss off.

MamaLazarou · 24/06/2009 17:00

Radha, why don't you have any friends, sweetheart? Is there a mother & baby group nearby you could go to? Have you joined your local Mumsnet to see if there are any meet-ups in your area? You can't be expected to deal with anything without any kind of support network.

SolidGoldBrass · 24/06/2009 17:12

OK maybe he is just selfish, lazy and immature. What was he like before you had the baby? SOme men seem like OK partners before babies come along as the couple have slipped into a pattern of the woman just meeting the man's needs - then when there is a baby to look after, the man suddenly finds that he isn't getting everything he wants any more and at this point some men become uncooperative and some become violent. Is he aggressive? Have a look at this.

However, if he is just lazy, selfish and immature, could you tell him straight that it's the men who pull their weight with housework and childcare who get good sex.

mrsmerryweather · 24/06/2009 18:38

What on earth are you living on- does he have private means?

I hope the umemployment office quickly discovers that he has no intention to work, as I am not happy for my taxes to be supporting this idle man. How long has he not worked and how are you managing for money?

It is disgraceful that he is bone idle and lives off the stae and cannot even help you at home.

Original poster
Radha99 · 25/06/2009 10:00

hes never had a job hes 24 i have worked but had to stop with my pregnancy as i was helping at my local theatre im a stay at home mum and that is fine but i want my husband to get a job i know its hard at the moment because of all this credit crunch but we need him to get a job its part of life

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 25/06/2009 14:20

I think you are going to have to dump the relationship. WHy shold you put up with a parasite pestering you for sex all the time?
Get all the relevant information - you will be entitled to tax credits if you work 26 hours a week, help with housing costs etc and, depending on whose name the house is in, you might not even have to move out.

Original poster
Radha99 · 26/06/2009 11:25

i love him too much i dont want to leave him so im doing more than usual with looking after baby and cleaning the house cooking for his family etc but its good isnt it it will prepare me for later life?

OP posts:
skylark2000 · 26/06/2009 11:28

no how old are you because belive me the older they get the more selfish in ten years youll b SCREAMING!

mrsmerryweather · 26/06/2009 11:32

Does he come froma culture where women are supposedly subservient?

I simply don't know what you mean by "it will prepare me for later life."? Explain?

islandlassie · 26/06/2009 13:07

WHAT?! And i thought my H was being unfair!

That is utterly ridiculous! You cook for his family? Even if he has no sense, surely one of them does???!!!

My son is roughly the same age and if i were you i would get out now! Using, manipulating, lazy man. He needs to get a grip!

DO NOT BE TREATED LIKE THIS!!!!!

I understand you love him but (and sorry to sound so harsh) he does not love you and even if he loves that child he sure doesnt be fair to the child!!!

GET OUT! SAVE YOURSELF!

Please please do not allow this to happen to yourself. You deserve FAR more!

islandlassie · 26/06/2009 13:10

(and when i say he doesnt love you i mean that love is not just an emotion, it is what you show someone, how you treat them etc etc. I know dogs treated by their owners far better than you are describing he treats you)

Oh and as for the sex thing.... maybe you should offer a blow job to relieve him... then bite the thing off... that should relieve his urges!!!

SolidGoldBrass · 26/06/2009 18:44

Why do you think you love someone who treats you as a domestic appliance he can fuck when he feels like it? This is not 'preparation for later life' this is abuse. People do not usually live like this and there is no reason why anyone should.

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