intimacy :-(

[Radha99]

Hi me and my husband have been having problems he wants to be intimate all the time and my baby only sleeps for four hours in 24hours and im tired all the time and therefore have no desire to be intimate anymore it is ruining our personal relationship what can i do please help as i dont go out much and i havent got any friends i need help :-(

I'm 20 almost 21 and he is an indian.
Hindu

You are so young sweetie- and your DH sounds very immature.

Maybe this treatment of women is part of his culture and how he thinks women should be treated?

You don't have to put up with this- you need to talk to him, and if he won't change you have to ask if you can carry on living with him.

Do you love him? And have you anywhere to go if you wanted to leave him?

i am 20 and he is a hindu indian so i kind of took on their culture when i married him a year ago

no where to go but yes i love him with all my heart i couldnt live without him

I'd get him to have four hours sleep a night for a few months and then see if he still fancies a midnight shag.

I know this isn't the issue, but maybe you could do some gentle sleep training with your baby now, because nine months is quite old for her still to be getting so little. We started at about this age (just gentle stuff) and it really helped.

Take care

sex sounds like the east of your problems. You're stuck with a freeloader who doesn't pay his way, won't look after his child or learn to look after his child with the emotional intelligence of a 2 year old!
Start being firmer with him, make him spend time with your son, make him look seriously for a job and make him behave like an adult. I wouldn't be having sex with him either, even if I was in the mood and not tired. This all sounds very 1 way. You don't seem to be getting anything out of the relationship except a child.

of course you could live without him.

How can you love a man-child who treats you so badly?

Radha99 - this is a man talking to you.

First thing is he does not have a right to sex if you do not want it. Second he needs to pull his weight. Third, if he did pull his weight he would know how you feel.

Exactly as BottySpottom says, after our children were born I was so tired helping DW that sex was not exactly top of my agenda. When it did happen I was a stolen moment away from the child(ren), lovely, intimate, special and very gentle. Just enough sex to say I love an respect you and want to renew and restore our relationship but the child(ren) have to come first.

Sex is important and all men to some extent feel that they would like more sex after children are born than their DW/DP is able to give and I do not believe women should not just totally ignore their husband - but what is happening to you is not on.

i cany just tell him hes a very forceful man i told him to help and get a job and he just tells me to go away that i am annoying him,
then i say why cant you look after your daughter for half an hour and he says i look after her for an hour on mondays so you can dance
thats enough.
he just yells at me every time i mention a job or not wanting sex or looking after daughter he tells me i dont love him if i dont have sex with him but i love him so much ive never loved anyone like i love him

But honey, why do you love him? If you heard of a friend being treated like this by their partner you'd be really angry for them.

His culture, btw (taken from various chats with Indian and Pakistani friends and colleagues over the years), is that perhaps yes, the woman is expected to do the majority of the child rearing and home-keeping, but the man IS EXPECTED TO PROVIDE, not the bloomin' State.

I'm so sorry - he really is lazy and useless, as well as being horrifically selfish. He's just using his culture as an excuse and conveniently ignoring what it expects of him, in terms of supporting a family. what do his parents think of all this? perhaps they could bring some pressure on him?

"i couldnt live without him" - of course you could. You survived before him and you'll do much better after him too.

1 hour per week looking after his own daughter = 52 hours per year: not even an average working fortnight!

Are either of your examples really the kind you want to set her?

well thanks for all your advice i love my husband and i cnt leave him il just have to wait till she grows up a bit and get her into nursary

...by which time you may have baby no. 2 and it will happen all over again.

Sorry you don't like the advice- you obviously don't want to take any of it.

Are you serious? I know we've had a lot of trolls recently, so maybe I'm over suspicious, but I really can't believe that you are for real.

And if you were posting for advice, why don't you listen to what people are telling you?

I think you must have a very odd perspective on love, if you think that you love a man who treats you this badly.

I have Indian friends and their husbands cant do enough for them. They came over to work and the men looked after the children while the wives worked. When the children went to nursery and their English improved they then went out to work but they still share the workload. The husbands got and asked for no benefits and paid full council tax. He is using his culture as an excuse.

What exactly were you wanting help with?? Because you've had lots of excellent advice here.

Did you want someone to give you a magic spell that would make your baby sleep more or give you more energy?

I think you should see your GP - 4hrs a night isn't enough sleep for a 9 month old.

Well, chances are that the baby is picking up on the stress vibe that comes from the screwed up so-called family she has unfortunately been born into.

This isn't a relationship, the OP is being (in SGB's words) used as a domestic appliance / animated blow up doll. Sorry to be harsh but clearly kind advice isn't getting through. I would bet you a tenner he'll move on to physical violence shortly.