ok I KNOW i shouldnt have done it, but i did and now what should I do about it?? HELP!!

[upsetandshocked]

I have been seeing my bf for about 6 months, i did something REALLY bad & looked through the texts on his phone. Don't know why really just found myself doing it. Much to my horror i found that he has been texting a girl he met last week saying how beautiful he thinks she is & would like to see her in the future
am seeing him tonight & supposed to be spending the weekend with him. He has acted completely normally with me & I am sure nothing actually happened between them when they met but obviously i feel that if he is doing that he cant really be into me.
feel sad, upset & a bit cross & dont know what to do or say
Please help

[SolidGoldBrass]

Good luck. Try to be calm about it (and then come and have arant on here if you want to). There is nothing more unhealthy or demoralising than trying to make someone 'love' you or commit to you when that person doesn't want to. It's an utter waste of effort - effort which could be expended finding someone who does want what you want.

[howtotellmum]

" continuing a relationship in the hope that soeone will commit to you when they are showing no indication of wanting to do so is a waste of time and only ends in bad feeling all round."

well, not always. My Dh showed no inclination to commit for 2.5 years- then I started seeing oterh men and he wanted to commit instantly. Now been married 25 yrs.

[upsetandshocked]

thanks for your words of support & no prob about thread hijack shine am cool to share!

am feeling in a bit of a flap already & he's not even here yet!! I do wonder if he will feel any differently when it's not all on his terms but if he doesn't then I have my answer don't I.

I know it's his right to play the field as a life choice if he wants, it just seems to me a rather shallow & ultimately lonely path to follow! Surely the togetherness of being a couple is worth more than a quick shag....?? or am i just old fashioned!!!!!

[upsetandshocked]

off for a cup of tea to steady my nerves....!
will keep you posted x

[Worriedunfortunately]

Thought I'd throw my halfpenny in.

My DP was a bit of a shit when we were first together. He was amazing with my DD, I was newly divorced and vulnerable. He was still on dating sites even though telling me we were exclusive etc.

I found out through snooping and it led to one of the darkest periods of my life. I was absolutely gutted. He begged forgiveness, he hadn't actually been on any dates had just done a lot of heavy flirting online. I found it very difficult to forgive and get the trust back.

However, 4 years later (and couples counselling) and we are incredibly happy together and are awaiting the birth of our DC. The key for me was that he realised what he'd done was wrong and was willing to do anything to put it right (even going to counselling which isnt his kind of thing at all).

Not sure whether that helps at all, I think it really depends on what he says when you ask him about it. As SGB says if hes not into it hes just not into it. x

[SolidGoldBrass]

UPsetandshocked. No. Playing the field is a valid life choice and works far, far better for people who are not monogamous than allowing themselves to end up in monogamous relationships out of inertia or boredom. By all means find a relationship that's right for you but don't fall into the trap of thinking that what you want is inherently superior to what other people want, it's just different.

[ridingjoker]

upset - people who play the field(and openly admit to not being monogamous) are usually not lonely at all. they usually have a very full and varied social life with a large network of friends and like having a choice of partners to be intimate with. they embrace their lifestyle and thoroughly enjoy themselves while doing it.


as SGB says, its not worse than your choice, just different.

[howtotellmum]

upset- I think most people want a mongamous relationship. But it's all a question of timing.

It's fine playing the field in your 20s 30s and 40s- but what about when you are older, grey and wrinkly? Somehow swingers parties won't have the same appeal.

I know that some people are proud to be not mongamous, but I wonder if a lot of people who have this life style do it as a defence to stop being hurt, or because they feel they can't find a committed partner?

I think most men are not monogamous by nature- yes, it is a gender thing- but do settle if they find the right person and they don't want to lose them ,and then hurt them.

If you want committment that's fine- but not sure if this man does. Maybe it's nothing to do with you, just the timing in his life.

Waiting to be screamed at, b imo a lot of people who play the field do so to have their egos boosted - they enjoy the frison of a new partner, and variety. Deep down they could be insecure.

Hope your conversation has gone okay!

[SolidGoldBrass]

HTTM: and some people who demand monogamy are pathologically insecure and can only find validation through choosing a victim and devoting the rest of their lives to stopping that person having sex with anyone else. Sadly many more fall for the bullshit that monogamy is inherently 'better' than other ways of living one's life, attempt monogamy, get bored with it and then everything ends up with a lot of mess and hurt feelings which would not have happened had one or both parties been strong or smart enough to say, look, monogamy isn;t for me.
And swingers are frequently in their 50s, 60s and even older, and still having lots of fun.

[howtotellmum]

OP- I do hope you had a good discussion and that something good came out of it for you- let us know!

SGB- your opinion on marriage and monogamy is well known. perhaps there is a danger in making what suits you a generalisation, without foundation?

For example, to say that people want a secure and permanent relationship to give them some kind of "validation" is surely putting a cyncial slant, and using very emotive langauge, eg patholgically insecure, victim, bullshit,to say that what they are wanting is, simply, love- not the need to be "validated" ( by which I presume you mean they feel a nonentity unless they have a permanent partner?)

Do you feel that the need for love - to love and be loved- is some kind of pathological weakness?

It's not weakness or insecurity that makes people seek love- they are not looking for a "victim".

Women have been biologically programmed for about half a million years to want the man to stay around whilst they stay in the cave and he goes out to hunt. Of course, women nowadays have the option to do the hunting themselves, and some women are more "masculine" in their approach to relationships than others, but you can't wipe out half a million years of evolution and cerebral hard-wiring just like that.

OP- I think you are perfectly entitled t o hope you will find aman who will stick with you- it's what most men and women want, ultimately.

[bohemianbint]

How did it go?